Transman Diaries

My friend is making a movie!

2010-03-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

Hey all,

one of my very best friends is making his first feature film! In order to raise funds for his movie, he has a raffle going on. Raffle tickets are $25 a piece and you could win an Apple iPad, Apple 15'' Macbook Pro, Apple iPod Touch, Apple iPod Nano, and an Apple iPod Shuffle.

Tickets can be purchased online on his website: www.wtfmovie.com.

The raffle is April 9,2010 so get your tickets now!!

Thanks for supporting another great artist!

My new article is up!

2010-02-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

You can view and read my latest article here:

http://www.ourbiggayborhood.com/2010/02/when-genders-collide/

Enjoy!

Shameful

2010-02-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Shameful, shameful.

I have so many of you who try to keep up with my life and what's going on and I have the nerve to NOT blog for such a long time. I'm sorry about that, I really am.
I think it's hard sometimes for me to keep blogging about my transition when it feels like it is/was at a standstill. The only thing left that I have yet to complete is to have top surgery...
And guess what!?!??! It looks like I may be able to do that before the year is over!! I thought it wouldn't happen for years and now I think it is going to happen so much sooner! Naturally, I felt obliged to share this on my blog!

A few things to catch you up on....My mother, the infamous Randee, came to visit me in Los Angeles. She was accompanied by one of her best friends, also named Randi (spelled differently, obviously). We had a very enjoyable time. Randi with an i, is very liberal, really into the GLBTQ community, has always known I was trans, even from when I was young. I have mentioned her before on my blog. Well, she was able to spend some quality time with my mother and help her to understand me a little better. This produced some WONDERFUL results for me.
My mom has agreed to help finance my top surgery. THIS IS HUGE. She disowned me 2 years ago when I came out to her as trans and I'd say now she has turned a huge corner. Even though she's not entirely comfortable and doesn't completely "get it", she does get that this is important to me and necessary for me to be happy and successful. So, I will be looking into some dates, surgeons, prices,etc in the next few months.

Other than that, Jordyn and I are still together. We are coming up on our one year anniversary. I almost can't believe it. We are still going strong. She has been and continues to be amazing.
Also, her family has come around slightly. Her mom sent me a birthday card for my birthday and now will actually ask how I am. Her dad called on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get to talk to him, but he left such a nice message. He has been great.

I also got a new writing gig! It's for a new website: www.ourbiggayborhood.com. Their tag line is "where the queers write". But it's not just queers, they have straight allies as well. It's awesome! It's got a lot of good stuff, writers from all different walks of life. I find a lot of it is humorous and well written. You should check it out! I will be writing for them once a month and my articles will be published to the site the 26th of each month. That means you should check that site in 4 days from now to see my first one!

I am also due to put a video up soon as well so you can see how much more handsome I get with each day. :)

That's all for now folks!

Halloween!

2009-11-01T13:47:00.001-08:00

I dressed up as Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween and Jordyn was Deb, the girl with the side pony tail who does the"Glamour Shots". We had a great time.

Check out this video of me!

It went well!

2009-10-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that I met Jordyn's family and it actually went pretty well. Her mom was nice to me and made an effort to talk to me. She was much warmer than I had anticipated after everything she had previously said. I also met Jordyn's father, and both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents don't know I'm trans and I'm perfectly ok with that. The meeting of the family was something I was anticipating for so long and I was somewhat fearful. So I am so happy that it went as well as it did.
After spending a day in Philly with Jordyn and her family, we departed on our road trip to Los Angeles. We had a lot of fun. We stopped all over the country and stayed mostly with our friends and my family. We made the drive in 6 days, which wasn't too bad.
I'm so happy to finally have my girlfriend living in the same city as me. She is such a huge support to me.

Now, our next project together is raising enough money for me to have top surgery. We are hoping to plan a party/benefit to help raise the funds. So, if you are in the LA area, make sure to check back for updates. We are looking to have something in Jan or Feb.

Meeting Jordyn's Family Finally

2009-10-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

A few updates since my last entry…

Jordyn is moving to Los Angeles, which is so exciting!! When is she doing this? Next week!!! How is she doing this?? Well, being the glorious boyfriend that I am, I am flying out East tonight to help her drive her car and stuff to LA.

This also means I am meeting her family. If you recall, her mother reacted very badly to the news that her daughter is dating a transman. She is still not doing well with that. Her mom initially responded by freaking out, calling me names, and telling Jordyn she never wanted to meet me, hear about me, or have anything to do with me. So, I guess meeting her is progress, but I’m still not sure how it will go. Her mom hasn’t been taking any major steps towards wanting to understand us, getting to know me, but she will at least listen to Jordyn talk about me and is letting me stay in her house for one night. I just feel a lot of pressure about all of this. I really want to be able to go into this with my head balanced on my shoulders properly. But after all the trash talking this woman has done about me, without knowing me or how well I treat her daughter, it obviously hurts me and angers me. And yet, it is on me to be the good guy, to block all the crazy shit out she has done and said, so that I can make a good impression and let her see I’m just a guy. I feel like I’m going to be under a microscope and she is going to be staring at me looking for any signs that indicate I was born female. The thought of that is obviously uncomfortable. I don’t really want to be stared at like I have something wrong me or like I have the plague. So, needless to say, it is very challenging to try and be the bigger person, the educator, the person on display so people can learn and grow, all while I still deal with my own issues of being trans.

I’m also meeting Jordyn’s father as well as both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents do not know that I’m a transman and I think I’d like to keep it that way.

So, this is 7 months of up and down bullshit dealing with Jordyn's family. I am not sure how it will go. I just need to focus on the fact that I cannot control other people, I can only control me. I just need to be myself.

Keep on Truckin'

2009-08-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a somewhat busy summer for me. I have been keeping busy with work. I also went to San Francisco for their Pride parade, that was fun. My girlfriend has just returned to the U.S. after being abroad for two months and she was just in LA to visit me for a long weekend. That was great as well. I'm very happy to be dating someone who I can safely say, completely accepts me for who I am. She loves me MORE for the fact that I am trans, she just totally gets that it is a part of who I am and I would not be who I am if I weren't. She's just incredible. And having a supportive partner really makes a world of difference. Most of us trans folks, or at least the ones in my life (me included), talk a lot about how we feel like we may never find love because we are trans. We often experience a lot of difficulty finding a partner who will love and accept us for who we are. Someone recently said something to the effect of deciding to transition may mean you sacrifice a love life in order to be who you really are. When I heard that statement, it made me sad, but it is somewhat true, at least for some. And I thought I was going to be in that boat, but thankfully, I'm not. As I've had this blog, I've dated a few different people, so the problem hasn't been finding someone to date, but someone who really accepts me. The breakups I've had with the last two people I dated had some issues around the fact that I am trans, and it was very painful to go through. So, I just cannot express how thankful I am to be dating someone I feel really accepts me. It's an incredible feeling, it's freeing. And I'm madly, crazily in love with Jordyn. She's an incredible person, and someone who has been one of my best friends for a few years. She's strong willed, independent, smart, and so so so loving. The next time we are together, I'm hoping to have her film a video blog with me. I want her to share a little bit about her and her views on me being trans. I want to be able to give some hope to the trans people or people in general I know who feel that they may never find someone. I think her perspective is a very important one to hear, and I'm hoping she'll want to share her true feelings and opinions as someone who is "heterosexual", or what I like to call "straight with a twist" (me being the twist :) ).

New Video!

2009-06-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

Check it out! I posted a new video!

Tough week

2009-06-01T23:12:00.001-07:00

I have had a rough week this past week. Prop 8 was upheld in California. That was a real downer. I hope to become more politically involved in that hot button topic. I think its ridiculous that it even got passed in the first place. So, that started off the week.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.

Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.

Some updates

2009-05-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's been a while since I've blogged. So, I have some updates.

1. So, Jordyn told her family we were dating. They didn't respond well at all, to say the least. Her mom called me all sorts of names (freak,abnormal,etc, and claims not to know who her daughter is. Furthermore, her family suggest that I brainwashed her. Needless to say, this has been very hard for us to deal with.
We both thought her sister and her mother would be very understanding and happy for us, but we were very wrong. And I think part of dealing with their reaction is so hard just because we didn't see it coming, at all.
It's obviously going to take a lot of time for them to process and hopefully accept me and us as a couple. I really hope they come around, especially for Jordyn's sake. I would say she is fairly close to both her mother and her sister, and these kinds of reactions are hurting her relationship with both of them.
It feels awful to be judged by two people who don't know me at all, and to be judged so harshly. I know, without a doubt, that if Jordyn's mom didn't know I was trans, she would think I was the perfect Jewish boy for her daughter. The whole thing just makes me so angry and so livid. But, I try not to focus on the anger. I try to just focus on giving Jordyn the support she needs and having her feel safe and secure. She's been handling it incredibly well. She hasn't allowed her family's reaction to influence how she feels toward me at all. She has reached out for support and has even gone to a PFLAG meeting by herself. (Parents and Friends of GLBT people, support group) She's so brave. I just feel bad because she shouldn't have to go through all of this when she's not even the one who is trans! It's like she is coming out and having to deal with all of the coming out issues. It's not fair, it's really not, but she just continues to take everything in and to deal with it as it comes. She's amazing and strong. Thank goodness for that.

2. Jordyn came to surprise me in LA two weekends ago. She planned the whole thing with my roommate/best friend and she showed up at my work!! It was awesome. We had an awesome weekend together, and it was very good timing because Jordyn needed to be away from her family for a little while and we needed each other's support and to just spend some quality time together.

3. I went to the family wedding this past weekend. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People were surprised, but overall, I wouldn't say that anyone had a very negative or hateful reaction at all. I was able to dance, socialize, and have a decent time. My mom even introduced me as her son, which was a HUGE step for her. I got to see my niece and nephew, my sister, and spend some time with them. That was also nice. My niece is 2 and my nephew is 5. They are lots of fun! I also got to catch up with some sort of distant family members. A few chatted with me and told me they had been reading my blog, which meant a lot to me. They were incredibly supportive.

4. I went to the doctor and found out I need to have a mammogram. I'm definitely nervous about it. I'm nervous to get the results and I'm nervous to even have it done. I have to go to like a Womens center of some sort. My doctor says men have mammograms there also, but I doubt there are many transmen who go in. I really wish there was access to safer healthcare for trans people...so yeah, I need to get that done. I also had my t levels checked and they are great, which I am happy about. So, my dose will stay the same as it has been. I inject myself once every three weeks and I use Testim gel everyday.

Those are the updates in a nutshell. I'm working and busy as always. Life is probably the best it has been for me in a while. I have a steady job, a comfortable place to live, a girlfriend who I adore,friends, and some family that I can go to for support. I'm finally living the life I've wanted to live for years and I'm living for me, not for others. It's very freeing.

Great Weekend and RANT

2009-04-27T17:25:00.001-07:00

4.27/2009-I had a fantastic weekend this past weekend. I got to see Jordyn and spend some quality time with her and really solidify my relationship with her. I also got to see a lot of my friends from college who were incredibly supportive. They hadn't seen me in 2 years, since I began transitioning, and they all reacted so positively. It was an awesome, awesome, weekend. I never thought I would have support in such numbers. And it really made me reflect on when I first decided I was going to transition and all of the fears I had.

Being trans is something that is obviously not easy to deal with. On one hand, you want to be true to yourself, and deal with the fact you are trans. But on the other hand, you know that in doing so, you are isolating yourself and the way people can relate to you. People in general are not familiar with transgender people, what it is to be trans, how to deal with it, etc. And so, I think a part of me honestly thought that when I decided I was going to transition, I would have to get used to the idea that I would not really be dating a lot, if at all. I also thought that I wouldn't have many friends because they would think it was so weird.

5/1/2009-Ok, so I wrote that last portion a few days ago and was still working on it. But now I have some other stuff on my mind. And it's ironic. I was writing before about what support I had and what a fantastic weekend I had, and now I'm angry and need to rant about the support I don't have.

I'm feeling very emotionally charged and upset. So, here it goes.

When you decide to judge me for being trans, I wish you would take a step back. I wish that you would realize that I am a person first and foremost, with thoughts, feelings, and a life like anyone else. I am funny, outgoing, hardworking, motivated, and a good person. I am giving, caring, a dedicated and loyal friend, an uncle, a brother, a son. These are all a part of who I am, in addition to being trans. Being trans is not the only quality that makes me me. So, when you are going to judge me, judge me on ALL of who I am, not just a part. Take a look at the whole picture, and don't just focus on the part that is different or unfamiliar to you. Challenge yourself to grow, to learn, and then to judge. At least reserve judgment once you are educated. And once you place judgment, try evaluating how your judgment and harsh words affect those around you.

If we all walked around and judged each person we met on just one part of who they are, we wouldn't have any friends. People come as a package, they are comprised of many qualities, features, attributes. And it's the person as a whole that we evaluate. You don't decide you are going to marry someone because they are tall or because they are brunette. You decide who you are going to marry based on several factors, not just one.

I am sick and tired of people judging me solely on the basis of being trans. What I do or don't have between my legs should not be what determines my entire life, who I date, where I work, who my friends are. WHO I AM should be first and foremost. It seems like this principle is such a simple one that most people think they abide by, but, there are still several others who don't.

I do not need to be reminded by others that I am different, that I wasn't born a biological man. I live with myself and I am aware of this fact everyday of my life. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wasn't born into the physical body of a man. I can only make do with what I have and the tools I was given, and live as a man the best way that I know how. I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for who I am and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed about who I am either.

Sometimes I get so sick of having to deal with everyone's thoughts and feelings on the topic of me being trans. I get frustrated because people make it about them, and it's like, maybe it should be about ME. What about my thoughts and feelings on the issue because afterall, IM THE ONE WHO IS TRANSITIONING. What about all of the internalized issues and feelings I face within myself on this issue? People often forget to stop and think about that. They only focus on the fact that it is hard for them to understand something different and new, not the fact that I'm going through it. And I get run down. I try to carry the torch and be the educator, the strong one. To have the ability to lay out on the table who you are in such a detailed way, to educate people, to defend your life and to explain it and reveal yourself in that way, takes a lot of time and emotional energy. People don't appreciate that enough. They just want answers when they want them.

I'm thankful to have people who read my blog regularly and I do hope that you get something out of it. I hope you are able to learn and that you apply what you learn if and when you have other trans people in your life. I write this blog as a record, as a reminder, as an educational tool, for everyone, regardless of what your sexual orientation or gender is.

Thanks for reading.

Quick Video Post

2009-04-19T22:57:00.003-07:00

Here's a quick video post. I will be updating the written part this week. Enjoy!

HR paper work and updates

2009-04-12T16:00:00.001-07:00

I hit my three month mark at my job, which meant it was time to fill out the necessary paperwork for benefits, health insurance, dental insurance, eye insurance, life insurance, etc. This would have been a huge issue for most trans people, I'm sure. I've heard many horror stories surrounding it, how to go about it, what to say. I'm lucky because everyone in my office knows I'm trans and they are very supportive.

So, when it came time to fill out all of the papers, I was able to openly explain to my employer how I needed my papers filled out and I was able to get some of their advice on it as well. I put myself as male for dental, vision, and life insurance, and female for the medical insurance. But I had questions about the life insurance and my boss was able to help me determine which sex to put for that because she knew the way that that stuff got handled. The problem is, my driver's license says that I'm male, but my passport and birth certificate say female. So, if I were to die, (G-d forbid), I had to ask my boss which paperwork the insurance company would be checking, and she said they would only need my driver's license, so we went with male on that one.

The medical one needs to stay as female because I still need access to female related health services and that would definitely not be covered under male insurance stuff.

Overall, it was a painless process and it was an eye opening experience for some of the staff in my office. I feel like they gained a greater awareness of how to deal with trans employees should we have another one join our team.

Other than that, I'm preparing myself for the wedding in Miami the best that I can. Nothing much has changed on that front. My plane ticket is booked and I will be in attendance.

Love life is good, well great actually. Jordyn is the kind of girl I could only have thought existed in dreams. She's an amazing support to me in every way possible, and then there's the love connection on top of that. So, I'm happier than I've ever been in that department.

In other news, I got a facebook message from some girls I went to overnight camp with when I was 12. They seem to have no idea that I've transitioned as the message was addressed to "the girls". They want to have a reunion in Pittsburgh sometime in the near future. I need to respond to that message and let them know that I've transitioned, and also whether or not I'd like to go to this mini reunion. I have mixed feelings about it. I think it would be nice I guess, but I seriously haven't seen or talked to some of them in over 10 years. I'll have to feel it out and see.

Those are the major updates for now.

Public Speaking, Transgender Summit, and Family Drama

2009-03-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty big week this past week. On Thursday, I went and publicly spoke to a highschool in Manhattan Beach, California on "Transgender Awareness" with a friend of mine. We spoke to roughly 1500 highschoolers, in three separate sessions.

It was amazing. I went in not too sure how we would be received or how to connect with this type of audience. It was compromised of students ranging from freshman to senior, and with a huge group like that, it's tough to create a "safe space" where these kinds of issues can be talked about openly. But we managed to pull it off. They were incredibly receptive, they loved hearing our personal stories, our journies. It really could not have gone any better than it did. We had a lot of people come up to us after we were done speaking and let us know just how much they learned and how we impacted them. It makes me feel so good and so on top of the world when I have the chance to speak to people in that manner. It was really just so incredible. And it is so rare that a highschool would bring in Trans speakers just for transgender awareness. Usually, I'm brought in with gay, lesbian, and bisexual speakers and we cover all of the issues together. It was really nice to have the floor to only address the trans issues. And we got really really great feedback from the staff, and that was also important to me. I feel very proud of the job I did that day.

So after that, Friday, I headed down to San Diego for the Transgender Summit, which was also a good experience. I went with my best friend and her trans boyfriend which was also very nice. It was good to have their support and their company.

I attended workshops and such about all different issues surrounding the Transgender community. I got to hear from some interesting speakers, especially the really politically active ones that I have so much respect for. I got to hear a "state of the union" address on trans issues which was very enlightening. It really inspired me to want to become more involved politically and socially in the Trans Movement.
It was nice to meet up with other Trans community members as well and to do some networking.

I met with two trans women after one of the seminars they gave on "Trans and Media". They have their own podcast on itunes, and they have a dedicated audience. I spoke with them about getting my own podcast started, and they told me they would help me promote it and that we could work with each other. And that was very exciting. To start a podcast though will take a lot of work and energy and time. So, before I just jump into it, I want to map out what I think the podcast would entail, what it would address, and what I'd want people to get out of it. So, if any of you have any ideas regarding that, please send me an email. I'm open.

So, now we are into the new week. And things with the family are a little stressful at the moment, well not the entire family, but a few choice members.

Recently, I've had more contact with my extended family on both sides, mostly cousins reaching out to me and letting me know how much they support me. It really has made such an impact on me. It means so much when extended, lost, family members reach out in general, but when they make an effort to contact me and write me lengthy emails telling me that they support my transition, that is just overwhelming and awesome. That kind of support couldn't have come at a better time.

I'm still dealing with the issues surrounding attending my cousin's wedding in Miami, Florida. I'm very nervous about it. I will be seeing so many people that haven't seen me in years, people who have no idea I'm transitioning, and unfortunately, I don't think most of them will be supportive. Things with my mom aren't going very well, so I can't really rely on her as a source of support, so basically, the only support I have is my sister and brother-in-law. So, knowing this, I emailed my cousin and asked her if I was invited to her wedding with a date, or if I could be. I explained that it would really mean a lot to me and why I would need support. And unfortunately, my request was rejected. At first, my cousin explained it as she needed to be fair and that my other cousins as well as other guests weren't invited with dates. But then she threw in that some of my cousins may show up with dates. So, I got confused. I was being honest and up front about wanting to bring a date, and she left me with the impression that I shouldn't have been honest and up front, and then it would have been ok. There is some kind of double standard going on here clearly. My cousin was either lying about the fact that other people weren't invited with dates, or she was saying to me without saying it directly that it's ok for other people to bring dates, but not me. She also went on to say that she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and that if I was only attending the wedding so that her feelings wouldnt' be hurt, that she would understand if it was too much for me and I didn't want to go. I honestly couldn't tell though, if she was trying to be sincere and sensitive to my feelings, or if this was her way of telling me she didn't want me at her wedding under the radar. Well, needless to say, after this conversation, I was crushed. I am at a loss to understand why exactly I am treated this way.
My first thought was not to attend the wedding at all because clearly, there is some issue about me being a man now. But my second thought was that I want to attend the wedding. I do not want my family to think that I am in any way, ashamed of who I am and that I will back down any time I face resistance. So, I've decided I'm still going to attend this wedding. I'm sure it will be a challenge, I'm sure it will be hard, but in my gut, I feel it is the right thing to do.
This is also an opportunity for me to spend some time with my sister, my neice and nephew, who I adore, and I don't know when I will see them next now that we live so far away.
I'm definitely trying to be the bigger person in this situation, and I'm pushing my own limits. But I don't want to look back on this and regret not going to the wedding, and I think I would regret not going more than just attending.

What is fantastic about all of this though is that when I have been upset this past week, I have had a lot of support. My best friends were able to counsel me, console me, listen to me, and help me deal. I really appreciate them for that. I have a hard time being vulnerable, but when I am, these people really know how to take care of me and that's really important to me. I'd say that my best friends are the family I've always wanted but never had until now. They are who have my back in life more so than anyone else (besides my sister).

In terms of the transition physically, I think I'm hitting another awkward phase with my voice. I'm having difficulty singing again and the higher notes that I used to be able to hear are disappearing at a very quick rate, which I am not happy about. My voice is cracking a lot when I speak. I do talk a lot at work, I'm on the phone or dealing with customers most of the day, so it could be that I'm losing my voice, but I think it's also in combination with my voice dropping again.

I'm still experiencing "growing pains" in my legs and arms. Sometimes they keep me up at night. I just feel restless and can't get rid of the "ache" I feel.

I'm trying to stretch as much as possible, but even when I go to stretch, I get muscle spasms everywhere. I just need to keep eating bananas and keep my potassium levels up, that seems to help.

Those are the updates. I'll be sure to post a video soon.

Drag and Gender bending show

2009-03-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I performed in a drag show that was also about gender bending and variety in general. I didn't actually dress up as a woman. I was just myself but it was a lot of fun. I got to sing and perform as a "drag king" in a number.

I like the kind of audience that we were able to pull in. There were queer people and straight people from all walks of life. Even some of my coworkers came to support it and that was pretty awesome. I also had a really good friend of mine from college drive down from San Francisco to attend.

It was a really great weekend overall. It was so nice to see people come together and to support a show like this, and to support me. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends who accept me and love me as I am.

I'm in a good mood these days also because I have a new love interest in my life. Her name is Jordyn. She's been a part of my life for a few years now, but the "love" part is just starting to develop. And it's incredible.

This girl has been one of my best friends basically since the day I met her. We connect so well and we get each other on another level. I met her during my senior year of college, and we only lived in the same place as each other for 5 months, if that, and we have managed to stay in touch and stay connected since I graduated college.

She's one of the few people that I came out to as trans in college, in fact. As part of a homework assignment for a class we took together, we had to watch a tv show and comment on it. We decided we would watch the Tyra Banks show, and the topic just happened to be transgender kids/people. And after we watched the show, I was of course, emotional. And that was when I decided to tell her I was trans and looking into transitioning. She was incredibly accepting, very supportive. I think that was really the catalyst for me being able to tell other people in my life. Having one person so supportive and so accepting, especially at that time, made all the difference.

Now fast forward in time to present day. It had been a year and a half since I had seen her. She came out to LA for her spring break with a good friend of hers and I finally got to reunite with her. It was amazing. Instantly, everything I felt and more came rushing back. It was straight out of a movie. And something was different this time also, and that was I could tell she was feeling something for me also. And indeed she is. This is definitely the beginning of something much bigger and I can't wait to see where it goes. We are in the butterfly/honeymoon stage, which is obviously THE BEST.

Nothing at this point in my life feels better to me than someone totally understanding me, who I am, what I'm about, and loving me for it. I'm especially grateful when it comes along because it is lacking from my family, where it shouldn't be. So when it comes from other places, it really means a lot. And I definitely get this kind of support/love from Jordyn. I've had it for the past two years, it's just changing its shape a little.

Other than the show and my love life, the transition is going well. People all around are really starting to notice just how deep my voice is. A few people have mentioned that they have gone back to my first and second videos and they can really hear a difference. I myself went back and was in shock at just how high my voice used to be. so awkward lol

I'm still having some muscle spasms, and some nausea. I've become an incredibly picky eater and I'm trying so hard to eat 150 grams of protein a day, it's a struggle. But its still worth it to me.

I would really like to make top surgery happen sooner rather than later, but it looks like it's going to have to wait for a little while. And that really depresses me. I'm still trying to lose weight and get finances in order to make it all happen. I'll just have to see how long each of those takes.

That about sums everything up. Hope everyone has a great week!

Talking Vlog

2009-03-17T16:59:00.001-07:00

And here's one more video update, this one is just spoken. :)

Two singing and one talking Video blog update

2009-03-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Check out my vlogs! TWo singing ones, and I'll be uploading a talking one later! Enjoy!

So much to say and I don't know where to begin

2009-03-05T06:43:00.001-08:00

Clearly it's been a little while since I've posted and a lot has happened since my last post.

For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.

Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.

I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.

One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.

I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.

That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.

I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)

My first FTM meeting

2009-02-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I went to a support group for FTM (female to male) men. And it was great. It was my first time really being a part of a group of trans guys. I'm sorry that I waited so long to reach out for support. It was great just to be in the presence of other transmen. It made me feel a sense of community, belonging. The group had two parts. The first part was open to FTMs and their friends, family, partners, support, etc. And the second half we split up so that one group was just the FTMs and the other group was for everyone else. I benefitted from both. It was nice to see people have support at all. Some people had friends, even parents in attendance. And I was surprised that a lot of people also had romantic partners. I've heard so often that it is hard for transmen to find people to date and that was definitely not the case with the people I met.
I really liked when the group split up though and we could talk about issues that transmen face such as side effects of testosterone, finding doctors, dealing with people when you ask them to switch pronouns and use He instead of She. There were a lot of different perspectives on each issue and that was also helpful. Some people at the meeting recognized me from the articles I've written as well as my blog. So people do actually pay attention and read this thing which I'm glad to hear.
Overall I had a good time and made some new friends both trans and non trans.
Other than that, I am now a full-time adult with a full time job which means I'm tired, a lot. The doctor says I need to be sleeping more than 8 hours a night because my body needs it a lot more now that I'm going through puberty again. He explained to me that that was why I was probably tired a lot as a teenager as well. Our bodies need more sleep during puberty. No wonder. I'm also trying to meet my protein goal each day which isn't happening either. I'm supposed to eat 120 grams of protein a day and that's hard to do. When I do come close to hitting that, it's because I've had several protein shakes in a day. And drinking those gets boring very quickly.
The hair on my face seems to be growing thicker now, but I'm still struggling with my sideburns. They grow but they don't grow in fully the way I'd like them to. I'm hoping that starts to happen soon.
Two of my very best friends are coming to visit this week and next week and I'm excited and nervous to see them. They haven't seen me since I even started transitioning. So I'm sure there will be some shock to deal with there, nothing bad. But I want to see how they react and what they think once they do see me. They'll have honest and good input I think.
Valentine's day was this past weekend and that was also kind of rough. Another one of the holidays that I hadn't celebrated alone in over a decade. It was interesting. I partied with my friends and went out dancing and what not. I went to a gay club and ran into Perez Hilton and Janice Dickenson. That was interesting. So weird to go to a club and run into celebrities like that. I had an ok time. It was mostly a gay guy club with few women. I blended right in. I found myself checking some guys out but I'm still confused about my attraction to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at them because I'd like to look like them and other times I'm not sure. That's still a work in progress. I'm still attracted to women, that hasn't changed at least.

Those are my major updates for now. Remember to send me any questions, comments, feedback. That stuff is always appreciated.

Thanks!

Life is good

2009-02-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

I've just been working a lot these past couple of weeks. Things at my new job are interesting. Some people know I'm trans and some don't. Nobody treats me any differently though. They all refer to me as a "HE" and go about their business. It's great to be able to walk into a work setting and have people refer to me as male from the beginning. It's a very different experience compared to my last job where I had to tell people and correct them and put up with their bullshit.

Things in LA are good for the most part overall. I'm living with another transman which is nice. He and I are able to discuss our issues, feelings, physical side effects, etc. We are good support for one another. And we have been on t for almost the same amount of time.

Speaking of, soon it's going to be a year since I have been on T!! It's so crazy! So much of me has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I know there are definite physical changes but I kind of expected my body to change shape a little more. Maybe that comes in the second year of T though. Time will tell.

Recently, my dad's side of the family discovered my video blog and written blog. And that's interesting because I really don't have a relationship with my father so he doesn't even know that I'm transitioning. So that was interesting. I was happy to hear from his family that they are supportive and happy for me. I wonder what my dad's reaction will be when he hears through the grapevine.

Other than working and the stuff I've mentioned, not too much else is going on. I'm focused on making friends and supporting myself with positive people and that has been going well. California is full of such diversity and an appreciation for diversity and that is what I love about it. It's easy to find somewhere to fit in and I've found my place. :)

Hope everyone is well. Feel free to send along comments and questions as always.

I moved

2009-01-28T18:51:00.001-08:00

Sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to blogging. It's hard to keep up with myself in this life of mine sometimes.

I relocated once again. I decided to put off law school and to move back to Los Angeles. I left Los Angeles a little too early last time so it's a city I'm not quite done with. I'm happier here, I have a job and a place to live, so things are going well.

I have been more moody recently, and that could be because I moved, but also because of the hormones. I just notice a lot of up and down mood swinging happening at random and it's hard to deal with sometimes. I hope it levels out soon.

I'm getting hairier, as if that were even possible. I'm Jewish and was naturally hairy but the T found a way to add a little more. I'm also breaking out more on my body and face, another down side to taking the t.

I'm now researching surgeons a little bit for top surgery. I'm coming up to being on hormones for a year so now surgery is even a possibility and that's exciting.

That's all for now!

And now I'm becoming attracted to men?.......

2009-01-17T01:09:00.000-08:00

A day that I thought would never happen. But now I find myself becoming more attracted to men. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would happen to me, nor did anyone else in my life who knew just how girl crazy I was.

I am noticing men more often in every day life. I am actually checking them out sometimes, and finding myself attracted. I just need to sort out in which way I'm attracted. I get confused easily because sometimes I feel an attraction to a man I want to look like, and then sometimes I feel attracted to a man who I just happen to think is attractive.

I'm not sure that these attractions I'm feeling are anything that I would act upon, but I guess it's a possibility.

I've been really struggling with this though. It is scary and new. I talked with a few friends of mine about it and they were in shock. I almost didn't want to put it in my blog because it's such a sensitive topic, but I'm all about being open and honest.

I'll be sure to update everyone as I figure it out. But I have a feeling it's going to be a slow process. We'll see what happens.

Today is my birthday!

2009-01-08T15:43:00.001-08:00

Today I turn 26. Today is my first birthday as a man. Today is a day I have been dreaming about since I was young. I'm a happy happy boy! :)

Previously I mentioned that I would be doing a question and answer blog. I am still planning on doing that. So, if you have any questions about me, my transition, anything you want to know, please feel free to submit them to me. You can leave them as you comment on my blog or send me an email. My email address is jamie.machotka@gmail.com.

Thanks everyone who continues to read my blog. I hope you continue to find it interesting and insightful!

I HAVE BACK HAIR

2009-01-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

Well, now I know for sure my testosterone is working. I now have hair growing on my back.

When I embarked on this transition, I knew it was a possibility, I wasn't necessarily hoping for it, but it's a side effect. It's not terribly thick or anything yet, but it's there. I noticed it today when I got out of the shower! I noticed it on the upper part of my back near my shoulders.

I could be imagining things, but I also feel for some reason like my hands are getting bigger. I don't think that can happen, but I swear it is happening. My hands seem like they are so much bigger and longer than they used to be. It's that or I never really noticed that I have rather large hands!

Onto other things, I finally have uploaded the video interview with two of my friends. This interview took place November 21, 2008, so it's a month or so old.

Enjoy!

That thing called family

2008-12-30T21:14:00.000-08:00

We all have a thing we call family. Mine happens to be driving me nuts right now.

I'm referring to my aunt and uncle, and one of their kids, my cousin Staci, who is getting married.

There's a big hooplah in my family whenever anyone is getting married because it then comes to deciding who is standing up in the wedding. My cousin Staci stood up in my sister's wedding so naturally, my sister and I both expected to stand up in her wedding.

Well, that is not going to be the case, for several reasons, and I'm ticked about it.

First of all, I think we aren't getting asked to stand up in Staci's wedding because we aren't skinny mini people, like the rest of the people standing up. Second, I know I am specifically not being asked to stand up in the wedding, because I requested to be a groomsman and not a bridesmaid.

I came out to my cousin shortly before she got engaged. And after she got engaged she felt it necessary to tell me that she hadn't decided who would be standing up in her wedding yet, but that she totally loved me and accepted me for who I am and wanted me to know that. I appreciated the gesture but I knew that she didn't fully accept me. When we talked about the possibility of me standing up in her wedding, I tried to explain to her that I walk, talk, and in fact, I am a man now. I had to explain this to her because it had been a while since she had seen me. I don't think it registered because after I explained that and told her I'd want to be treated like a man would in terms of the wedding plans, she asked if I would still be attending her bridal shower, which would consist of all women. I explained that I would not be attending her bridal shower because men didn't attend those.

I'm sure she's trying in her own way to accept me, to understand me, but it's just not cutting it.

Furthermore, when my sister and I found out we would not be standing up in the wedding, we were also informed that my aunt and uncle were "adamantly" opposed to me standing up as a groomsman and that just really pissed me off. If I were going to be standing up in the wedding according to them, it would have to be as a bridesmaid, and that is just not going to happen.

They have all seen me since I've started transitioning, as recently as a month ago. So, I cannot understand why they are so opposed. I mean, I get why they are. They care what people think, what they'll say, I really believe that is the main motivation. But what would they be thinking if I showed up to a bridal shower or as a bridesmaid? People would do a lot more talking about a man in any of those two things.

So, as I said before, I'm just sort of ticked off about all of this. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am, and the harsh reality is that that is not always going to happen the way I envision it. Lesson learned.

The holidays

2008-12-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

I am celebrating my first Channukah and Christmas as a man. I feel much more at ease with who I am, how I present myself, and overall, a chip has been lifted off of my shoulders.

It's nice to be around friends and family who accept me for who I am and what I am about. It's refreshing that people can still see me for who I am and what I'm about, regardless of the transition. I'm very thankful for that.

People lose their homes, their families, their friends, their jobs. I haven't really lost any of these. I haven't had anyone who stopped speaking to me (other than my mother, for a few months, but now we speak). Overall, people weren't shocked or surprised to hear I was transitioning. I've been able to keep my close friends and to make new ones. I am able to seek and keep employment and I even came out on the job at my last job.

I will admit though, that this holiday season is new for me in other ways also. It is my first holiday season being single in 10+ years. I've always had a girlfriend during these times so this is new. It's kind of lonely as I'm just getting used to being single again, but it's also good. It's nice not having to run around to a million places to see two or more families and friends. I'm on my own schedule and I can adhere to my own agenda.

In terms of the transition itself, I am going through another big drop in my voice I think. The last time I could tell my voice dropped significantly, I had a few weeks where I couldn't really sing and I was cracking all over the place. The same thing is happening again. I am not able to sing as well as I'd like to and I am cracking a lot. I've got a lot more muscle spasms happening now too, and I think this is because I am working out.

I just had my t shot tuesday so my moods are a bit better. They are usually pretty good for the first week after my t shot. Then they start to go up and down a little more.

Those are the updates for now.

Happy holidays everyone!

And it's over

2008-12-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

I finally took my LSAT exam last week Saturday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but we will just have to wait and see how I did. I think I may take it one more time before I apply to law school, so it's now looking like I won't be attending law school in the fall of 2009. So, now I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life in the meantime. But I'm happy for now that I took the exam and that I'm done studying for now. I need the break.

And now I need to start looking for jobs. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach looking for a job. I know I pass completely for a male, so when I apply this time around, I think I will have an easier time finding a job vs. when I was applying as a butch lesbian. However, when the job asks for back up documentation like my driver's license,birth certificate or my passport, I'm going to have to out myself, which sucks. My driver's license says I'm male, but the birth certificate and passport say female. And I'm scared of losing potential job opportunities because I'm going to have to out myself. But then on the other hand, I'm thinking that I'd probably out myself anyhow. I don't think I'm one of the transmen in the world who want to remain anonymous and have the world think that I am a bio boy (biological). I'm proud of the fact that I am a transman, and the fact that I was a woman first is an important part of me, my identity, and where I came from. So, maybe it's a blessing as much as it is a curse. I guess I'll find out after I start applying for jobs and I see how it goes.

I don't really want to talk about it in depth, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Rebecca and I did break up about a month ago. So, that is something else that I have also been dealing with.

As for the transition, things are still going pretty much the same way they were. I took my t shot and my body is feeling better now. I tend to get more muscle cramps after the injection, but my moods level out more after that. I mean, I'm still moody,sensitive, hard to deal with at times, but the high highs and the low lows are less extreme when I've had my shot. The feelings of insecurity still remain though, no matter where I am on my t shot schedule. I still have random moments that come from out of the blue. I just feel insecure in my own skin. I think it's partly because I am transitioning, I'm changing and doing things to my being and I'm just not where I want to be yet. And the hardest part of that is feeling in between. And that's where I am at. I am a man with female genitalia and that is sometimes really hard to cope with.

It is especially challenging when it comes to meeting potential people I would date. I don't quite know the right way to address where I am at. I don't really feel it's necessary to introduce myself to people and then tell them right off the bat about my genitalia. On the other hand, I think it's important for people I would potentially date to know who I am and what I'm about before getting involved. I would want to know what I was getting into if roles were reversed. This is something that will be a work in progress and I'll just have to take it as it comes. I haven't had any trouble meeting anyone to date yet, but I fear that I will.

Last update-I've been working out a few times a week and I'm seeing my muscles grow and develop right before my eyes, which is pretty cool. It takes no time at all to see my biceps get bigger, which is awesome and very motivating. I need to lose a lot of weight in order to have top surgery go the way I want it to, so it's important that I continue to work out. I am not eligible to have top surgery until I have been on hormones for at least a year. And the year mark is coming up in April, which is crazy. Time has begun to really fly.

Those are all of the updates for now!

Day in Day Out

2008-12-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

It is clearly time for me to do my shot again today. I can always feel it a few days before. I become more moody than usual, my body cramps more, and overall I just feel kind of icky. It feels like withdrawal from a drug in some senses. I'm not too happy about it, but it's what I have to go through to complete my transition.
My shots used to be once a week, so I'd feel the effects every four days or so. Now that my shot is once every three weeks but it's a larger dose, I only have to deal with the feelings of withdrawal once every 2 and half weeks, which is better.
It's just amazing how much more I have to be conscious about everything I do in general because of this transition.
If I don't eat enough protein each day, my body also feels icky. It like craves protein and it seems that the more protein I eat and the more water I drink, the more manageable my moods and my cramps are.
When I'm moody for no reason, I feel the need to isolate myself so that I can just deal and not take my feelings out on anyone else. Sometimes that part of it is really lonely. I have all of these thoughts and feelings that are a direct result of the shots and it's hard to break it down and explain it to people. When I tell people I'm really going through puberty again, I feel like they just don't get it and can't get it.
When we all went through puberty the first time, we had to just deal with it the best we could at the time. We didn't know what was coming, we had never experienced it before, but at least we were all going through it at the same time.

It is a much different experience to go through it again and to do it at 25, knowing what already came before and what's to come. It's sometimes hard for me to function in the 25 year old world with all of these thoughts and feelings within me that make me feel 12. And I think it's hard for those around me to understand. They try, but really they just think I'm choosing to act young. I do my best to control the moodiness, the temper tantrums I have, the awkwardness, but I'm realizing some it is just beyond my control.

I have days I just want to be alone. I have days when I need lots of attention. I have days when I see a pretty girl and I blush and lose my words. The worst part is feeling insecure. It's very strange and new feeling for me. I've never been known to be a person that was insecure. I believe in myself. I'm outgoing, social, a public speaker, have friends from all walks of life, know how to relate to people, never had a problem meeting people to date. And now I have some new personna currently that has been created by these feelings of insecurity. I question everything in a way I never have before, and it is making me crazy. I don't know what to do with this feeling or how to get rid of it. And then on top of everything, I feel like I never know what mood is coming my way.

I kind of feel like I have no idea how I'm going to be day to day.
I don't like to wake up and be in a bad mood for the day, but sometimes it happens. And it's hard for me to admit I don't have control over some of this because I am such a believer that people have such power and control over their lives. I am such a strong believer in people taking action to correct what they don't like in life. I can't stand people who play the victim or who feel powerless, because we each have so much power within us. So for me to feel like I have so much power and then to feel powerless some days is rather defeating. I feel like a walking contradiction.

My doctors reassure me though that this is normal and that I just need to do the best I can to cope with the rollercoaster I'm on because it will get better and it will get easier. I just don't know when exactly.

The only thing constant about me that remains constant is my desire to have sex. No matter what kind of mood I'm in or how I'm feeling emotionally, I'm always wanting to have sex. Sometimes that can be exciting, but somedays it's a nightmare. It can be a real nuisance. I was a pretty sexual person before I started transitioning, I wouldn't say that I needed anything to added to that side of things. And now I feel like my sex drive has quadrupled, if that was even possible.

So, this is a lot to put myself through, I realize, as I reflect and reread this blog to myself. But, it's worth it to me. I'm still achieving the results I am after and in some other ways, I'm feeling a lot better about myself.

Some feelings of insecurity that I used to have are now gone. I didn't enjoy being perceived as a butch lesbian. I wasn't ashamed of it, it just didn't match how I feel about myself and who I really am. Now that I'm perceived as a male on a day to day basis, I am more relaxed, more calm, and at ease. That part feels great. Getting checked out by people as a male feels great also. I think I'll end it on that positive note :)

My 3rd article has been published!!

2008-11-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to announce that my third article has been published. You can read it by following this link. http://www.inlamagazine.com/1121/features/feat_2.html

Enjoy!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T07:45:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was interesting this year. First off, it was my first Thanksgiving as a man and that felt somewhat liberating.

I spent the first part of my day with the Silvers Family, a family of 5 children and a mom that have always been closer to me than my own family. The oldest of the 5 children is 27 or 28, and the youngest is about to be 18. I cherish all of them dearly. I am close with all of them and some of them live out of town so it was nice to have them all back in one house for the holiday. For some of them, it was their first time seeing me at all since I started transitioning and they all handled it so well. Each of them are incredibly supportive. They just know and love me as me, and whatever I choose to be or choose not to be is totally fine by them. I couldn't have asked for a warmer welcoming. They asked me questions about how I take the hormones and what changes I've noticed and they commented on how much they like my facial hair. :)

After I got to spend some time with them, it was off to Angie's house, my mom's best friend. I was told that there were going to be a lot of different people at Angie's house, some of Angie's family, some of her and my mom's friends, so kind of a random group. And I was slightly nervous. I had a feeling my mom wasn't going to talk about my transition with anyone or warn them ahead of time and I was right. I was going back and forth about whether or not I was going to shave my face for the occasion, and I decided not to. I really didn't want to shave and the only reason I was going to consider shaving was so that I didn't have to come out to a bunch of people and make the holiday about me and my transition. But that would just be avoiding reality. So, I didn't shave and I walked in sporting my scruffy face. When I walked in the door and saw some familiar faces, it was a little awkward. I could tell by the way some people were looking at me that they clearly had not been told. But it was ok. No one shunned me or looked at me in an unsupportive way. I mostly just got looks of people putting the pieces together, like Jamie has a beard now, oh so that must mean Jamie is male. It went more smoothly then I thought it would, though I was slightly put off by my mom's attitude of avoidance. I got to spend some time with my sister and her children which was nice also. They were a good distraction for me as I was feeling like all eyes were on me for a little while. I also got to catch up with a childhood buddy of mine. He is Angie's son and was my best friend in the world when I was younger. He was also really supportive which was important to me. I also spent my time chit chatting with him and catching up. Another nice distraction.

After I was at Angie's, I then returned to the Silvers house for dessert. When we are all together, we like to sing as a family. Each year we sing some songs from Rent, an this year we also sang a little bit from Wicked. Each year I would normally sing a duet with Joanna (the musical theatre major of the family, and an aspiring Broadway Star). We usually sing "Take me or Leave me", but this year was different. I can no longer sing those notes so we decided to have me sing the reprise of "I'll cover you". And I did it, and I hit all of the notes. And they all applauded so loudly and said, "Congratulations, this is your celebration into manhood. You've officially become a man". I got teary eyed. It was awesome. They just love me and were so supportive. They as a whole, don't think twice about accepting people as they are. They are truly the most loving people I know. So, they really made my Thanksgiving a happy one, the happiest one I've had in a long time.

Here's a quick Vlog update

some kind of fluke

2008-11-23T16:47:00.000-08:00

Today I went to go fill my prescription of the testosterone gel/cream at Walgreens. It usually costs me $300 for the one month supply, but today, by some miracle, my insurance covered $260 of it!! So, I think it was some kind of fluke, but I'm not sure. I can't imagine a medical reason that my stingy insurance company would cover testosterone gel for a "female". In any event, I'm just thankful I saved some money. That was nice.

Today at the gym my quads felt like they were in fire. I was on the elliptical, and the spot where I gave myself my last injection, on my right quad, started cramping terribly. I've never felt a muscle cramp like this. It is the kind of cramp I've only experienced in my toes randomly, in the middle of the night. You know the kind, where your toe cramps and your foot cramps so badly, your toe is able to get stuck by itself pointing in some weird direction, and it hurts like a bitch! Well, that is what occurred today in my right qaud and I thought I was going to fall off of the elliptical. After a few stops and restarts though, the cramp finally went away on its own. I love puberty.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is so soon. We are doing it in a weird style this year. Usually, we go to my Aunt Sherri's house, but this year, we aren't. Instead, we are going to my mom's best friend's house. I'm not that excited though because I have a feeling a lot of random people and families will be there as well, and they will be people who haven't heard about me at all, or if they even know who I am, they will not have heard about my transition. I'm fine with coming out on my own and owning who I am, but I wish when it came to my mom's close friends, that she were comfortable enough to talk to them about my transition and to inform them.

So, I'm hesitant to just show up there with my 5 o'clock shadow, but I don't want to have to shave for the occasion either. I want to be able to be me, to come out to people if necessary, but not to make the holiday all about me and my transition at the same time. There's a delicate balance I need to strike, and I'm not sure at all how to go about doing it.

I really felt like most of my coming out days were over since mostly everyone knows. But I forget about the holidays when you see a million people you don't normally see and what not. It's stressing me out because I don't even know who I'm goin to run into at this point.

I'll just have to take each moment and each person as they come I suppose.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm having some internet problems at home currently, that are impairing my ability to upload videos. They keep timing out. I hope to have that fixed asap because I have some new videos to post.

One of the videos is a quick interview with two girls, Danielle and Brittany, that I grew up with. We have all known each other since we were 3 or 4. I asked them how they felt about my transition, what they struggle with most, how they feel about it overall, stuff like that. And I can't wait to share the video with everyone.

a little down

2008-11-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

I've just been trying to stay busy by studying my ass off for my exam. I'm not even sure that I'm going to be ready to take it. Even after all of this preparation, I'm considering postponing it. I really don't want to, so we'll just see what happens as I get closer to the exam.

Some good news though... I went with my mother and my sister to get a pedicure and a manicure ( I like to be a well-groomed gentleman :P ). We went to a place where my mom is well known. I had never been there before and my mom introduced me as her son and used male pronouns the entire time I was there. This was a huge accomplishment. I hope she is finally turning the corner and getting to a point where she won't revert back to her old ways.

My facial hair is a little less "spotty" these days. It's starting to fill in. And my eyebrows look like "man" brows now. I used to have incredibly girly, arched eyebrows, so it's been a process to get them to where they are today. I have a great esthetician who I have been seeing since I was 12. Her name is Marina and she is very accepting of me so thats comforting as well.

I've also started working out more and I can already tell a difference in my body. Literally the shape of my entire body is changing. I can totally tell that my hips are different for sure. It's so strange, but I just look in the mirror and I look different all over. My tshirts are even fitting me differently. I know part of this is due to weight loss, but some of it is also due to the T I think.

The dose of T that I inject myself got doubled, but now I do it less frequently. I used to give myself .5 cc every week. Now I give myself 1 cc every three weeks. I felt a huge surge in energy and spirit after the injection, now it's starting to wear off a little more. I also use the gel that rubs into my skin daily and that seems to help.

But as I get further into the transition, my moods are just a nightmare. I am so up and so down and I really wish that would level out some more. I do have stress in life that is also adding to the pile, but, it's still a lot to deal with even when nothing is going on.

This round of puberty is much worse than my first one. I know I'm going through it for a good reason and for the end result that I'm looking forward to, but being in the actual transition right now and dealing with all of this weighs on me.

I am just so moody, most of the time, for no good reason at all. And I find the people around me at a loss for how to deal with me sometimes. I think it really is hard for people to grasp that I am an adult going through puberty and that some of this just cannot be helped. It truly is physiological in nature. I'm doing my part to cope with it, therapy, writing, reading, talking, exercise, and even with my best foot forward, it can still sometimes get in the way.

That would be my biggest complaint of the transition overall. I don't like feeling awkward randomly, losing my words, feeling insecure for no good reason, but I think if I can just learn to accept it all for now and not be so hard on myself, that that may help it ease up a bit. As mentioned before, I am a harsh self critic. Aren't we all though?

That's the scoop for now.

busy busy busy

2008-11-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

My LSAT exam is one month away! That is crazy! I have been studying a lot for this exam and I have a lot riding on it.

That said, I'm sorry I haven't been better about blogging. As soon as this exam is over, I hope to be back on track. For the time being though, I am aiming to update my blog once a week.

This week I'm feeling very crabby. I had to skip my t shot for the week because my doctor wants my blood drawn, and he wants to see what my testosterone level is at without my next injection. I am feeling withdrawals from it and it's making me a cranker pants!

I'm having my blood drawn tomorrow though, so after that, I should be feeling better :) I'm nervous to go and have my blood drawn though because I'm going to have to explain that I'm trans. I have to explain it usually because I have to fill out the forms to bill my medical insurance and according to my insurance I am still female. That really bothers me and I wish I could change that stuff already, but I have to wait to legally change my sex until I've had a surgery of some sort, and that won't be happening for at least another 6 months.

When I do get to do my shot tomorrow, my dose has gone up. I will be injecting myself with 1cc of t, but I will only be doing that every three weeks. And, I will be using a half tube of the testim gel daily. The gel has really been helping level me out. When I wasn't using the gel and just injecting myself weekly, I would feel a surge of energy and goodness at the beginning of each week, and then it would level off and have me feeling kind of crappy towards the end of the week. So, the gel kind of helps me stay more even keeled and it's nice.

My facial hair is coming in thicker around my chin, but not necessarily thicker around my whole face so thats kind of irritating. I mean I sport a pretty nice 5 o clock shadow, but I would like it to come in evenly. Doctor says that should be happening soon, especially because my dose is increasing.

My body seems like it is changing shape some more also. I just feel like my pants sit differently around my waist. I don't know how else to describe it.

I'm still binding everyday, which can get irritating, but its necessary if I want to pass so I just suck up and deal.

I saw a school psychologist last week and was tested for learning disabilities. It turns out I actually have one, and its directly related to math, which has always been and continues to be my worst subject. So, in some ways I feel better knowing that there is a rational, logical reason I always did so poorly and struggled in math.

My mother and some of my close friends are still struggling to call me "He". And now that I wear a 5 o clock shadow on my face pretty much everyday, now its become really embarrassing to be referred to as a "She". My mom did it yesterday while we were shopping in the mens section of a store, and the clerk looked at her like she was senile. I laughed, but at the same time, I just wish she could get it right. Some days she tries, but most days I feel like she is still fighting against me.

Those are the updates for now. I will try to post a talking video later!

6 month mark!

2008-10-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've officially been on hormones now for 6 months!

I'm ok, thanks everyone

2008-10-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm doing ok now. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me after reading/watching my sad panda blog.

I'm just still dealing with a lot of personal issues/demons. I'm on a transition physically,emotionally, and spiritually, and sometimes it all just catches up with me.
I'm trying so hard to change the things I don't like about myself and the way I handle relationships, romantic,familial, and the like. And sometimes I'm not pulling my weight or doing the things I really need to do, and other times I'm pushing too hard. I'm learning that in life things really are about balance, equilibrium, and I'm still figuring out how to find my balance with all of it. And I'm a very sensitive person too, and I'm trying to balance being sensitive and upset about something legitimate, and being upset for no reason at all. I am learning to choose my battles and fight wisely instead of choosing to fight everyone and everything. But sometimes, to do all of these things at once, feels impossible. So, then I try to separate them and deal with them each on their own, but they really are intertwined and can't be separated. Trial and Error seems to be the method I've chosen. .

"Mama said there'd be days like this" is the quote that comes to mind to describe it.

Overall though, I'd say things are better, at least for the last few days they have been.

It's also like I'm trying to complete this giant project for school or something, and I just want it to be finished and over with already, and I get impatient. And sometimes when I get impatient, I take it out on other people around me when it's my issue.

I'm sure some of what I am saying is ringing true with some of you even if you aren't transitioning.

Other updates:

I'm going to be speaking to the GLBT group at one of the community colleges I attended 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to that. I'll be speaking about being transgendered . I really do enjoy public speaking so I'm very excited.

My voice is still dropping. Singing has become a little easier over the last two weeks or so, so I'm relieved at that. I just hope it continues to get easier.

I get a lot of compliments from people about how well I sing, and I appreciate that, but it is taking me so much more effort, time, and control. And, when I was a girl, it was a lot more effortless! So, I'm slightly bitter about it, but as I said, it got a little better, so hopefully it continues to.

I'm getting hairier. In some places, that is ok with me. In other places, I feel like I'm hairy enough. But I can't really pick and choose where the hair comes in, so I just have to go with it. lol

My muscles have started to feel achy and shifty, if that makes any sense. It feels like I have growing pains, only I'm not getting any taller, my body is just shifting some stuff around.

I pass for a boy pretty much everywhere I go now, though mostly I think still as a gay boy, which is fine by me.

It is funny to witness though sometimes when I can tell someone is looking at me like I'm a gay guy. When I'm out with my girlfriend, I can totally tell when I'm receiving looks from oncomers and they are thinking "that boy is gay, why is he holding hands with that girl?".. I just laugh to myself. I know people are sensing I'm "different" than just a typical, straight male sometimes, and that's ok, I just know that if all the strangers I had encountered received the proper explanation, I think they'd understand why they sensed "weird, not so typical male" when they saw me, and wouldn't think I was a gay guy.

I'm still studying for my LSAT exam, which is in December. I wish I felt like a rockstar and really solid about it, but I don't. It's just one more thing to add to the pile of shit I need to work on and work toward. It is what it is though. If I don't do well after putting in the time and studying, then it wasn't meant to be. So, we'll just have to see what happens.

Those are the main updates for now!

Sometimes when words alone fail me, I sing

2008-10-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sad today because I hurt someone that I love very much. I hurt them and continue to keep hurting them. And when they hurt, I in turn hurt as well. I hate that. I hate that when you hurt someone you can't take the pain away, the apology is not effective, especially if it is overused, and you're just stuck, hoping that time, love, and hard work will take it away. Actions do speak louder than words and I just need to make sure my actions are the ones I want and ought to be demonstrating.

Sorry it's been so long

2008-09-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since my last update.

Since my last update, I helped move my mother out of her house, started studying with two tutors for the LSAT.

I'm hoping to pick up the guitar in the next month or so as well. I'm hoping to treat myself to that as a reward for studying hard :)

So, the short and the skinny on me and my transition..

well, these last few weeks I don't think I've seen much physical change within me. The only change that I continue to see and that is really bothering me is my voice dropping, only it doesn't just drop. It gets squeaky and awkward, sometimes raspy, and is making it very very difficult to sing, which is depressing me. I used to have a pretty good female voice and I always used to sing, for fun, to relieve stress, whatever. And now that I can't really sing without a struggle, I need to find a new outlet, which is why I'm looking into playing the guitar.

I mostly pass in public these days for a guy and the voice is definitely helping that.

I just wish I could cut my boobs off already. I wish there weren't requirements about when and how to have surgery. But I know it's in my best interest to wait so that I can lose weight and be on hormones for a year and be sure it's what I want to do.

But I'm telling you, some days they really get to me, especially in the summer and when it's warm out.

I long for the day I can walk anywhere, anytime, without a shirt on and have a male chest.

Oh, and I should mention, that because my boobs are so big, I wear an uncomfortable binder everyday, and that is getting old. Even with it on, my boobs still look kind of obvious in some shirts, so I also try to leave my face scruffy and with a shadow so that I pass more easily.

The other day though, I shaved my face and then I went to the grocery store and the cashier called me ma'am.....And it was like I went into shock...I've been called "HE" so often that to hear a stranger call me she was so weird. I corrected him and said "HE", so I guess now he thinks I'm a gay guy, which most people think anyway.

And, I'm one step closer to telling the rest of my family (that I don't really talk to) about my transition..

I called my father today and he asked what was wrong with me and my voice. He said I sounded like I had a cold. I told him that it was possible I did and then I attempted to make a plan to meet up with him.

I'm not close to him in the least, but I do believe that when revealing any kind of big news, it's best to do it in person. So, that's what I'm going to do.

And with the other members of my family, well, my mother has committed me to attending Rosh Hashanah with them (jewish new year), and that is next week Tuesday. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going, but if I do, then it will all come out there. I feel like once they see me it will be obvious because they haven't seen me in a year or so.

But, I do have to say, that I have caught up with some old friends and I got mixed reactions. Some could totally tell I was a boy now, and others said I hadn't changed at all. I think its interesting that the reactions are on both sides of the spectrum rather than bunched up in the middle.

I got to talk with my friend Brittany's mom and that was an interesting conversation. She told me that she wasn't surprised at me transitioning in the least and she's very supportive. She told me when I was little and played house with Brittany, I always wanted to be the Dad or the dog. I guess I chose the dog because the dog could be seen as gender neutral....lol oy

And when I've gotten to sit down with a woman who has been like a mother to me, Wendy, I've also received interesting feedback. She pushes me emotionally to challenge myself, my inner being, the "depth" of me, my emotions, etc. Her report that is some of the issues I have are very "male"..in that I'm stubborn, sometimes controlling, that kind of stuff.

Another thing I seem to be struggling with is the ability to cry, and my doctor says that could definitely be from the testosterone.

I used to be able to cry when something really upset me. The tears would just come, I'd cry, and then I'd feel a release.

These days I need to have a good cry, maybe even for no good reason at all, but the tears just don't come.

I've had a few reasons to cry really hard and nothing happens. It's like I feel upset, but not as much as I used to, and not enough to cry in the least. And sometimes when I am upset, I try to push myself to cry, and still nothing happens.

I'm one of the most sensitive people on this Earth, so for me to struggle with crying is so confusing. In some ways, I'm glad I don't cry so easily, but I still want the ability to cry. And I don't really know how I go about fixing that one. I guess I'll just have to hope that I'm still adjusting and transitioning, and that I will level out.

In addition to that, I might also mention that I think about sex A LOT more than I ever used to. It's kind of like I can't help it sometimes..and that is really weird to deal with also.

Ok, and now for my favorite thing to share with you all...

So my sister has been really good at teaching her kids (Hannah and Jordan, my niece and nephew) to call me "Jamie" and "He". Well, Hannah is still learning HOW to speak in general. So we've been trying to teach her my name, having her sound it out, whatever it takes. She hadn't really been calling me much of anything. And when I went there the other day, Pam said "Who's that Hannah?" and pointed to me, and Hannah said "Guy". At first I thought it was a fluke, I mean I laughed my ass off, but I thought she was just confused, like maybe she was pointing out A GUY vs. A GIRL, no no.
She calls me GUY every time I see her, and I think she thinks she is saying Jamie. It's hilarious, and ironic.

I will try to post some videos tomorrow so you can see just how beautiful I am these days :)

thoughts

2008-09-05T19:42:00.001-07:00

In everyday life, I tend to feel lost

Trying to find the I the ME the We

Riding this roller coaster is one heavy burden

but i think about what I am going to see when I get off of the ride

The other part of me that I have waited so long for.

But there are those times on the ride that make me queasy, make me dizzy with worry, anxiety

and all I can do is hang on tight

no one else is on the ride with me, I have only myself

I can wave to the other people who can see me from a distance on the ride

they smile, wave, cheer me on, but that is all they can do

they can't take away the intensity, the feelings that the ride brings

they offer their support in all the ways they can, but its from a distance.

I'm unreachable, untouchable, unable to communicate from where I am.

I have only me.

And its scary.

I'm learning and understanding myself in a whole new way. I have to take apart everything that I was and rebuild anew. I need to rebuild the inside and the outside of me.

I've learned so much already in such a short period of time. I'm learning what makes me tick, what I really want in life, what I'm capable of achieving, the way my mind works, the issues I have and where they come from, and most importantly, how to confront everything that hasn't been confronted already.

I like that I can sense the wheels turning and the forward motion of my progress. I like that I am pushing myself to search, to question, to resolve, to forgive. I am slowly chipping away at the "rock" that has lived within me my whole life, that still pile of "stuff" that I just kept storing and didn't want to face or deal with.

It's like I opened the door half way to pull out my gender issues and to start transitioning, and so it would only make sense that the rest of the stuff hidden behind a half open door would begin to fall out.

My first reaction was to try to stuff it back inside, but, a part of me sensed it was time to begin sorting and dealing and discovering.

As I start to look at all of the stuff, I realize I don't know what half of it is or where it came from, I only know I didn't want to deal with it and didn't know how to throw it out so I just stored it.

And now I'm taking my time, sorting through it all, piece by piece. And I feel a sense of relief that I'm finally facing it all. It feels better to struggle in facing it all then to continue to just let it all sit there in a bunched up pile.

I'm awake and conscious, feeling everything entirely, for the first time ever in my life. I am putting bad habits of anger, resentment, stubbornness, and denial aside in order to get to the root of myself. I'm instead trying to focus on all of the good, the goals I want to achieve, and setting a path to get there.

And it's about time. :)

The Chiropractor

2008-09-02T08:38:00.001-07:00

Ok,

so while I'm on this kick to overall health and wellness, my girlfriend suggested that I go to the chiropractor with her last week, Friday. She called ahead to get us both in.

I was nervous to have to come out to yet another medical professional, especially one that was located in Suburbia and not affiliated with a well known hospital or anything. I was scared that they would have a negative reaction to me.

I knew I had to come out to them though if I wanted treatment because my medical insurance still says that I'm female, so in order to process the claims, I would have to be upfront.

And so I was. And they really handled it very well I think. The chiropractor's wife was the receptionist/office manager and was really great. She called me "he" from the beginning and so did the rest of her employees and they did so without reservation or judgment which was very nice.

When I had my actual exam with the chiro himself, I told him on his own and in a very matter of fact way. I could sense he was uncomfortable, but handled it well also. HE continued with my exam and treatment plan and still continued to make small talk.

I think he may have been taken aback because he never would have guessed I was born female. I had a full five o clock shadow the day I saw him last week.

Then I went back to the chiro again today. And today, I had a massage with a massage therapist named Jaime. We talked about how she spelled hers JAIME and I spell mine JAMIE. She said, "Well, of course you spell yours that way, you are a boy silly!" And I was happy she saw me as a boy, but I also knew in that moment she had no idea I was trans.

I had to get undressed for my massage, and I decided to just leave on my boxers. I laid face down on the table, and then she came in and we started.

As she began the massage, she ran her hand across the middle of my back where there was an indentation from my sports bra and she said, "Were you laying on something that left a mark in your back?" I was like, "yeah". I knew I was going to have to tell her about me, especially if I ended up getting a full body massage later (I was only having my back and hip worked on today).

The massage continued and she asked me about my girlfriend and how we met, if I thought she was the one, if I wanted children, the typical get to know you questions. And she was telling me not to get Rebecca pregnant unless I was sure I wanted to have children, and that I'm lucky we have had no accidents yet, things like that.

We had a very easy going, flowing conversation. She answered the questions for me as well.

She was working on my back and telling me I was going to have to flip over so she could work on my hip more. And that is when I got really nervous. She would be looking for a flat chest and a bulge in my boxers that I didn't have. But she said she'd be working on my back for a while so we would get to the hip later.

Then as the conversation continued, she kept bringing up her gay guy friends, about how one of them was in denial for a long time, he finally came out and was comfortable with himself, how she knows a gay couple in Madison, etc.

And she's doing this assuming I'm a heterosexual, biological male.

I've had many people do this before. And I know it's because I come off as a gay guy to most people. I do have feminine qualities and I'm somewhat flamboyant, and I'm totally ok with that. But it's important for me to establish with people who I am and where I've come from so that they don't feel the need to label me as a gay guy who is afraid to come out. Once they understand that I am a transman, they have a better understanding of who I am.

So, I know she's totally trying to make me feel comfortable, and tell me it's ok to be gay.

And this is when I decided I had to tell her about me because clearly she had no idea.

When she asked me why I moved back to Illinois I had just briefly said LA wasn't for me right now.

I decided to expand by telling her I went to LA to transition from female to male and that I started hormones.

She was shocked, but not bad shocked, good shocked really. She was like, "Oh my god, I never would have guessed!! Really?? Are you sure??" And then she's like, "So do you still have a va jay jay and boobs?" And I was like, "yes, and that is what that mark on my back is from. I was wearing a sports bra and binder."

She was very supportive and thought it was really cool. She asked questions and wanted to know more. She was a little more blunt than most people are when they first find out, but I appreciated it.

Once I was done with the massage and got dressed, she definitely was taking a second look at me and I could see her studying me, probably trying to see the "female" in me, trying to see how she could have ever missed the fact that I was female first.

Now that she knows though, I'm sure I can relax more when she's massaging me. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything or lacking anything that she might be looking for, which is good.

I then got adjusted by the chiro when I was done with the massage. He was nice. Whenever he addresses me, he calls me buddy. How are you feeling buddy? How was your weekend buddy? Good to see you buddy!

So, another good experience on the books. I'm very surprised but happy.

And I saw the new therapist and the LSAT tutor

2008-08-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today was an eventful day.

I started therapy with a new therapist who specializes in gender issues and so far, I love her.

She seems to really know her stuff, she's written and published 3 books, including a medical text book.

After meeting with me for only an hour, I've deemed her the "guru" all on things gender related. She really has devoted her life to studying all issues dealing with gender and I find her to be incredibly knowledgeable. She also happens to be the wife of my new doctor! I love that they are this married, heterosexual couple that just happen to specialize in treating people with gender issues.

My actual therapy with her though was somewhat emotional. She was easy to talk to, and learned right away the right questions to ask to get me to talk.

I gave her the whole history of me, and in doing so, it made me emotional. I didn't think it would at all. But I guess as I sit here and think about it, it makes sense that it would be emotional to recount to someone else your entire life history, all of the issues you have personally, where they started, where they are going, how I came to terms with my gender issues.

It was also a very freeing experience. It felt safe and comfortable. I could say anything and it was as if she knew what I was talking about and had heard it before, obviously a much different experience than talking to Barrie, my old therapist, who judged me and made me feel like I was losing my mind.

The new therapist stressed to me some very important points also. She talked a lot about my transition on the inside vs. the outside. She told me this transition would be something I need to also grow with and into emotionally, and I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, it was a little scary to me for some reason. I think because I just realized in her office once again, how my entire life is in transition and it's up to me to make it what I want it to be and to work hard for the changes I want.

From therapy, I went to meet my new tutor for the LSAT. The tutor is very nice and she is easy to understand for the most part so that's good. I think just actually getting started on the studying itself was stressful. I see how far I have to go and also how hard I need to work for this too.

It was a productive day overall though and I'm happy about that.

I should also mention that I came out to my dentist yesterday and he handled it rather well. He seemed pretty comfortable for the most part and asked me questions about how I feel on the hormones, how often I'm taking them, etc. It was nice that I could talk with him about it.

I also made an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed by the woman I've seen since I was 12. My sister sees her now and told her about my transition. She knows I'm coming in to have her re-shape my eyebrows, but in a metrosexual, male kind of way. That appointment is next week.

Not much else to report. It sounds like I have a cold when I talk now, and I think as time goes on, that is going to get worse for a little while. I also have a sore throat during the day sometimes as well. The singing is still not coming as easily as it was, but all of this will clear up in time. I just have to be patient.

So, here are some new videos.

Enjoy!

New city, new doctor

2008-08-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

I went to my new doctor in Illinois yesterday and I have to say that I am very fond of him. He is very thorough. He has a lot of trans patients and he's completely comfortable talking about all of the issues, medication, surgeries, everything. Most importantly, he didn't make me feel rushed in the least. He took the time to talk to me, answer all of my questions, all of Rebecca's questions, and it was great. So, I'm happy and feeling more comfortable knowing that I have a medical professional I can talk to about anything.

Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.

I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.

I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.

I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.

He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.

I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.

And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.

As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.

I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)

My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.

I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.

I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.

My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.

Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.

Enjoy!

I'm finally home

2008-08-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to blog. I drove cross country from LA to Chicago, and what an interesting journey that was.

I changed the sex on my California driver's license to say Male instead of Female, and until it arrives, I am driving on a temporary, paper license. And that made the road trip to Chicago more interesting when I got pulled over in UTAH for speeding.

The officer was actually really nice. He took the paper license, gave me a ticket, and mostly sent us on our way. It was a little confusing though because on his copy of my ticket, my information printed out with "FEMALE" on it, but then he crossed it out and wrote male when he saw my paper license. But then when he was headed back to his car, he said something to my girlfriend about making sure she "slows HER down" (referring to me). So truthfully, I have no idea what gender he thought I was. And it could have been really bad, but it actually went really well, except for the part where I got the ticket.

Overall though, the road trip was smoothly. No other tickets, mishaps, or car trouble, so I'm thankful for that. I think I'm not the road tripping kind of guy. I like to just get where I am going.

A day or two after I arrived in Chicago, I went traveling again. This time, I went to Canada. It was my first time and I had a blast. I went to Niagara Falls.

I was nervous crossing the border because my passport says female still, but they really didn't question it at all. I was with a few other people which I think made it easier as well.

My passport wasn't required to get into Canada, but I'm still using a paper driver's license so I needed a photo ID of some sort.

Now I'm back from Canada, and trying to get back into the swing of things here at home.

I'm happy to report that my mother has been unusually cooperative in the last two visits I've had with her this week. She met my new girlfriend, and has been attempting to say "HE" and call me her son. THIS IS HUGE. I know she is struggling, but the fact that she is making the effort at all means a lot. I hope she continues to.

My sister has also been great. She's been reinforcing that I am a boy to my niece and nephew, and also trying hard to switch pronouns.

So, my homecoming so far has been totally unexpected and very much appreciated.

I'm also currently on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. I have a few recommendations that I am going to follow up on in the next couple of days.

And other than that, it's time to bury myself in the house and study for my LSAT exam.

In terms of my actual transition and physical changes, my voice continues to play tricks on me. Some days I feel it going deeper and coming in stronger, other days I feel raspy and have a sore throat. I still struggle most days with my singing voice. Randomly, I crack and have breaks in my voice where I didn't used to. I'm also trying to teach myself to breathe in different ways to hit the lower notes. Sometimes it is really frustrating, but I know in the end, it will all be fine. It's just that literally, I'm like a 12 year old boy, and that's ok, as long as it isn't permanent.

My body continues to have tightness and cramping, especially in my legs. Still feel like I'm having growing pains. I'm sure I need to be taking more vitamins to help with that though.

The hair on my face, arms, armpits, and legs is starting to come in more and thicker. Looks like I'm going to be the typical hairy jewish guy :)

My appetite is also weird. I wake up very early in the morning from hunger pains sometimes and now I enjoy eating a large breakfast usually consisting of some type of omelette. I didn't used to be a real breakfast person.

My moods continue to be up and down. I feel strong surges of emotion at random times of day and sometimes when I should feel a strong surge of emotion, I don't. That continues to be frustrating and not easy to deal with, but I'm just trying to ride the wave and deal. I think the more I am aware of it, the easier it becomes to deal with until it passes.

I think that about sums up everything going on with me for now. :)

Thoughts about LA

2008-07-29T17:57:00.001-07:00

So,

today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!

It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.

In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.

My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.

I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.

I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.

He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.

I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.

So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.

My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.

Ok, now off to pack some more!

Everything is coming together

2008-07-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

Finally,

I am happy to report that I think things are starting to come together more. I took a lot of time to think, ponder, change my mind a million and a half times, and I've made some important decisions in the past week.

I was about to sign a lease in LA for the next nine months. And I just couldn't do it. I had people around me questioning why I was committing to LA another 9 months and what I had here, and the answer was, I don't know, and I don't feel like I have much if anything at all.

I gave LA my best shot for now. I became disillusioned with the dream of being a comic and what it really takes in a city like this. I also started transitioning and I think ultimately I had to choose one journey over the other. The transition came first, and I'm happy about it. Nonetheless, I'm done with LA as a result.

I need to be near my major support systems and right now, they are in Chicago. So, I have a year to kill while I prepare to take the LSAT in December and then apply to law school. I decided I want to spend that time with my family, close friends, and girlfriend. It's important, ESPECIALLY at this time.

So, I've made my decision. I'm leaving LA next week and I couldn't be more excited.
I'll be driving home this time and I'm kind of looking forward to the road trip. I've never been to some of the states I'll be driving through.

I'm also happy to report that I will be applying for a new driver's license that says I'm a male!!! California is apparently one of the only states that lets you change your sex on your license before you have surgery. I just had to have my doctor here fill out a form. I'm going to apply for my new license tomorrow!!!

I know I'll be driving on a California license in Illinois, but that's ok with me. It's safer for me to have that license saying I'm male now that I fully present as one, then me getting pulled over in the suburbs of Chicago and having a license that says female while I have a 5 o'clock shadow.

Also, I've been asked to write another article for IN LA magazine!!! The first one got a lot of feedback, great reviews, and they like my story. So, I'll be sure to keep you posted on when the next one is published!

It is a little overwhelming to be working 40 hours a week and packing up all my stuff, but it has also been therapeutic. I feel a lot more at peace this week than I have in a long time, and I'm very very grateful.

In terms of physical changes this week, there are a few. Those of you who know me and my singing voice know that one of my favorite tunes to sing at karaoke was Bonnie Rait, Let's Give Em Something to talk about. I'm sad and proud to report that I can no longer hit the high notes in that song!!!! It's crazy!! In one week, I feel like my voice dropped so much!!!

I've also been getting a lot hairier on my legs and my facial hair is coming in thicker. The hair on my head also feels like the texture is changing and like I'm losing some of it....I swear if I get male pattern baldness as a result of this....I'm definitely going to the Hair Club for Men.

The transition of my entire life continues. Stay tuned!!

Emotionally all over the place

2008-07-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

So,

I have increased my dose of t to once a week instead of once every two weeks. I was super excited to speed things up now that I am out at work and most of my life knows. However, I am really feeling some major effects this week, and I'm not sure what is going on.

For one, my mood swings are at an all time high. I've got extreme highs and lows going on. And its also affecting the way I communicate with others and treat others. I flipped out on my girlfriend and my best friend within a few days of each other. And when I say flip out, I mean I did so entirely in a disrespectful and destructive manner. And I feel ashamed. And yet I don't know where it came from or why, or how to really prevent it...which is scary. My best friend told me she had never seen me act that way and she was surprised, shocked, etc..but that she understood. She was very understanding and I apologized profusely once I realized just how bad it was. Same goes for my girlfriend.

I truly feel like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. I'm relearning my own body as if it is for the first time. I'm dealing with the mood swings, acne, awkward feelings, inability to communicate effectively, all of it. And it sucks right now. It feels like it just snuck up on me. And as the week ends, I feel a lot worse. My body starts to crave the t, its like I can feel an imbalance and I need my t shot. It's not an addiction, it's more like a crave...like the way I would crave junk food when I got my period...hope that makes sense.

On the days I take my t shot, I feel high as a kite. I feel like a million bucks. But after that first day passes, the awkwardness creeps in, the insecure feelings, I really had no idea I was going to be experiencing all of this in quite this way. And then I'm trying to balance these feelings of puberty in an adult life with adult relationships and a job and its challenging. It's hard to stay in check with everyone else when I can't stay in check with myself. I feel like I'm just supposed to follow the journey and follow the path but sometimes I feel like I get so lost and I don't know where its headed for a little while....and then I somehow re-center and find my way back.

But I feel all of this up and down, lost and found on a weekly basis. And I just HOPE that as my body gets used to having these doses more frequently, I will level out. I need to. I've been so moody and so crabby and I really don't want to be.

Positive changes to note from the increase though...my voice is already dropping more :) One of my co-workers even noticed today so that made me happy. I'm getting more hair on my chest and legs. My facial hair is coming in more and filling in the patches where no hair existed. My muscles are extremely sore and tight, but I can feel them shifting somehow. My arms feel more muscular and so do my calves.

And I pass more for a guy on a daily basis overall. And it feels great. It feels nice to be noticed for who I am. :)

Now I'm still apartment hunting and need to close in on one very soon, like by this weekend. I can't wait to have my own space. I think that will definitely help me be less moody. :)

My weekend and some more updates

2008-07-09T18:17:00.001-07:00

Ok,

so since I was in a bit of a funk the other day, I didn't get to go into a lot of detail about my weekend, which I would like to do now.

As I said, I had an incredible weekend and spent time with incredible people, one in particular. Her name is Rebecca and she's from the Chicagoland area. I've known her for a year and only recently did we grow closer.

She came to visit for the 4th of July and I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends of my life with her. I don't want to go into too much depth. I just want to say that I've met someone incredible and I'm very excited to see where this goes. I really wasn't looking for anyone or anything, and that is when it always seems to happen. She's incredibly comfortable with herself, with me, and SUPPORTIVE of me and who I am and this transition. And that is exactly what I need. I'm living proof that when one door closes, another opens. It all goes just the way it is supposed to. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.

I went to therapy last night and I'm starting to figure my stuff out slowly. I have started to semi-develop a plan so thats good. I think I may be heading to law school in the next year or so, which means it's time to get my ass in gear for the LSAT exam. So, I think for the time being I'll stay put in LA while studying for that and planning the rest out. I also don't want to uproot myself while still transitioning at this point. I like my "team", if you will. They are incredibly important to me.

Thank you to those of you who commented with some advice. It was much needed and I did listen. I'm trying to relax,journal, dream, and take it one step at a time.

It's so easy to get all caught up in the anxiety and the questions about what to do and how to do it. But I need to give myself more credit and have more faith in the universe and trust that everything will fall into place.

Overall, things at work are getting better. People are making the effort to use male pronouns and I call them out on it to help them. It's nice not to have to worry about my transition at work now. Being comfortable has allowed me to increase my dosage of testosterone as well so that should speed up the overall process.

I'm already exhibiting more signs. I have more facial hair, more chest hair, my voice is cracking A LOT lately. Although it's an intense process to go through, it feels totally "normal" and "natural" to me overall. Like, I'm just going through puberty to become who I've been meant to be my whole life. That part of it feels good. I've been passing as a man for the most part in my day to day life which is also great.

Emotionally though, I've had a very tough week. My most recent dose of t was on Monday and since then I've felt a surge of random emotions throughout the week. Although I have been having issues that are legit, the t has amplified my reactions to everything, which hasn't exactly been helping. But, I'm hoping increasing my dose will help speed things up and may possibly help me get off the rollercoaster I'm on. My body literally starts to crave the testosterone after a week or so, it's so weird.

My mom is going to be coming to LA in 3 weeks or so to help me find an apartment. I'm nervous about how she is going to react to me because I think I look significantly different than I used to. Should be interesting....I'll be sure to blog on that when it occurs.

That's about it for now.

Now its time to face the rest of my life

2008-07-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

I'm apartment hunting and not sure where I want to live. I don't even know if I want to stay in LA. I know I want to remain in LA for maybe 6 more months just to finish transitioning in one place with the same doctors and support I've built myself. But my original goal in moving to LA was to pursue a career in the entertainment industry and I'm just not sure if that is what I want anymore. This transition is about so much more than my physical being. All of me is transforming and while I'm grateful for the experience, it is so much to deal with at once.

Currently, I'm re-evaluating everything in my life, how I look at life, what is important to me, where I want to go. While I feel I have a strong grasp on who I am and what I'm about, I have no idea what I want to do. I had thoughts of going to law school or grad school in the past, and those thoughts are starting to come up on me again. I graduated college a year ago and I feel like time stood still. I don't feel like I'm anywhere I thought I'd be, except for the transitioning.

I'm 25 and I have the world at my feet. I really do. And I have no fucking idea what to do with it all. I'm so scared to commit to grad school or law school and pick the wrong profession. I'm scared to close the door on a career in entertainment. I'm so scared but I'm not doing anything about it and nor do I know what to do about it. And part of me doesn't want to do anything about anything until I'm further along in the transition. So basically I have myself running into walls. And I had another dose of testosterone this morning which definitely could be heightening things. It really feels like going through puberty all over again. I haven't been so touchy in 10+ years!! And I'm choosing to do all of this voluntarily...so I guess that tells us all something. I'm really serious about this.

If anyone has any advice on how to confront the issues of life or words of encouragement or suggestions on how to help me find my way, please feel free to share.

I came out at work!

2008-06-30T18:21:00.001-07:00

I'm happy to report that I came out at work today and it was totally unexpected.

I was waiting for my instincts to tell me how and when to tell my co-workers and today the perfect opportunity presented itself. I have a semi-gay co-worker (as he calls himself). He was talking about his issues with being gay and why it's uncomfortable and how he feels about it, and it became kind of a counseling session with the whole office chiming in. And everyone was supportive. Not one person had anything negative to say in any way about being gay. They were all voicing opinions that said be true to yourself, whatever that is. And it was nice. It was like we all bonded.

Then someone brought up the fact that they had watched a special on Barbara Walters' show over the weekend about transgendered youth and kids,etc etc. And everyone was talking about how interesting it was to learn about that and what a struggle it must be to go through something like that. And at that moment, I knew it was time. So, I told them that while we were on the topic that I had something to share with them. And I passed out copies of my magazine article to everyone and let them read. They were all so supportive. I could see them piecing the puzzle together as they got a brief introduction into my life and what the past year has been like for me.

One of my co-workers started crying and hugged me and thanked me for sharing my story. And she told me how its so important to her that there are people like me to share stories and to educate and how much she respected me for putting myself out there. It was very nice to hear. It was truly a blessing in fact.

My other co workers were very supportive also. They asked questions, they wanted to know if they should use male pronouns, if I was changing my name, etc etc.

I had one co worker though who told me I was like the pregnant man on Oprah and that the pregnant man wasn't really a man because he was born a woman. So, she was basically telling me she'd call me HE but always see me as a SHE because that is how I was born. I tried not to let it upset me. I hope to do some more research and educating on the issue with her because her reaction really did affect me. But I tried to stay in the moment and focus on the fact that the majority of my co-workers were really really great.

It made me super emotional. I told my supervisor I was scared I was going to have to quit my job or that I'd lose my job. She told me not to worry and also told me that of all places to work this is the place because everyone is so accepting and all about diversity. She also said she'd start calling me muchacho and amigo instead of muchacha and amiga. It was really sweet.

I cannot believe that it all just happened like that. But I'm thankful it did. And I also think it made my semi-gay co-worker feel better. I think he may be able to see me as a role model because I'm taking the bull by the horns and I've accepted myself for who I am. I think he's a great guy and I hope to become closer to him in the coming months.

Another day another dose

2008-06-25T19:29:00.001-07:00

So, today I did another dose of t and I'm feeling this one a lot. My heart kind of speeds up and makes me feel like I want to run a marathon or lift really heavy things and see how long I can hold them. My moods were kind of all over the place today also. I think thats the hardest thing to deal with really. I have a lot of big issues going on in life and having them amplified wouldn't be easy on anyone. So, I'm just trying to take it all in stride.

Today I'm mostly upset about my current living situation. I still live in Peter's living room and it's pretty tough. I've tried to have a really positive attitude and get through it, but today its really getting to me. It's hard to feel homeless. It's hard to rely on people. It's hard to have to live out of suitcases and have no where for your stuff. At the same time, I'm thankful I have somewhere to sleep, but coming from the spoiled life I lead, this is hitting me in some big ways. It is humbling, but it also upsets me.

I came to LA in search of a dream and when I got here 9 months ago, I never could have predicted I'd be where I am currently. I didn't think I'd make it big overnight, but I didn't think I'd be struggling like I am or living in someone else's space instead of my own. Although I was spoiled, I was and still am very self sufficient. I have a strong work ethic and I like to do things for myself without relying on other people. Even allowing myself to live in Peter's space was a battle within me. And now its kind of getting old. Peter is kind of fed up with me living in his space, which is understandable. It's cramped and not good and affecting us both in bad ways. I need to get out.

The question is, where the fuck am I going? Am I supposed to get an apartment and stick it out in LA longer? Am I supposed to go back home and stay with my sister?? Am I going to apply to some program abroad that pays my living expenses? Law school? Grad school? I have no idea. I always tell myself to stay put until I know what my plan is, but I feel like I've been saying that for the last 9 months. And its frustrating to feel like I'm supposed to be moving in a direction and going nowhere.

Someone who I recently became close with helped me realize that maybe my journey to LA was not about the career in comedy, but about my transition. It was about getting away from everything that was in my way and giving me the space I need to grow and change into the me I want to be and am. And having recently accepted that thought, it does ring true and bring me some peace. Thank you for helping me realize that Rebecca.

I've also established a real sense of independence that I think I was lacking my whole life. I've really learned how to take care of myself and what I need to be ok. I'm still a work in progress on that, but I'm at least learning and taking copious notes.

And yet, even with the growth I've achieved, I'm still never happy, the harsh self critic within me always has the loudest opinion.

So its just been one of those days of reflection that begs the questions from me to myself over and over again.

I have the moments where I tell myself its ok to not know where I'm going, but I do also still have the moments where I freak out. I have control issues. I like having a plan. I like to know ahead of time what I'm doing and I'm learning in the hardest way possible, that life is not going to give me that every time, if ever.

Trying to find your place in the universe is a lot more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I think I just need to take more time to listen to what it is trying to tell me.

I also need to have more faith and trust that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and that everything does happen for a reason. My whole life is in transition and I need to trust that this will lead me to great things.

I'll get there, just gotta take it one step at a time. Oh these emotions :)

Just some thoughts

2008-06-21T07:26:00.001-07:00

It's a fine Saturday morning here in Los Angeles. I'm up at 7am because I think I've come down with a terrible sinus infection and sore throat. It's 110 degrees here and I can't stop sweating, and now I'm drinking tea and honey. I'd like to share with you what that feels like. It feels like death. My body is already trying to keep me cooled down by making me sweat and then I add in a hot drink and I feel like I'm going to faint every time I take a sip. But I'd take the fainting feeling over the pain I have in my nasal passage and throat. A great start to a very busy, overbooked weekend I have ahead of me.

Today is my law firm's annual party, and they decided to rent out the Rose Bowl! I think that is so awesome! And we are supposed to have a flag football game and I'm signed up to play, but I'm nervous. The people in my office still see me as female and I know I can pass for a male no problem with some of the other people that are going to be there today. So, it'll probably be a day where I'm switching depending on who I am talking to. I need to come up with a plan to tell my co workers. I think people are starting to catch on.

There are two women I am closer with overall and they keep asking me if I have a cold (its because my voice is getting deeper, not just that I'm sick as I happen to be now). And one of them invited me to her wedding. I told her I'd be wearing a tuxedo and she's down with that. I'm just not sure if she's getting that I'm transgendered vs. a butch lesbian. It's a tough line because I sit in such close quarters with these people that when I tell them, its going to be tense I think for a little while. But if any office environment is going to handle it well at all, I think it will be the one I'm in because there is such diversity going on at all levels. We'll see though. I've definitely been wrong before, but I am trying to stay positive. I'm thinking about telling the two that are close to me by showing them the article I wrote in the magazine. I feel like maybe if they read it and get part of my story and some quick answers to general questions, it might go more smoothly. I've also thought about just telling them at lunch one day. I usually follow my instincts in situations like these, but I have so many worrisome thoughts that I'm unable to decipher what my instincts are telling me. I need to focus and get to the bottom of that because not dealing with this head on and letting go on for longer is making me more anxious about it. I really am proud of who I am and what I'm about. I just want my work environment to remain unaffected and I wish I didn't have to come out to anyone about this. But the reality is that people care, people judge, and people want to know every last detail about something juicy going on. So, something needs to be said about my transition.

When I was beginning my transition, I was very consumed with worries about who I would date, how I would tell people. who would be supportive, who wouldn't. My friend Phoenix gave me the best advice (he's also a transman). He told me not to worry about it, that it would all fall into place, and that if I just keep the focus on me, the right people will come my way when it is time. And I'm happy to report that that is finally coming true. I meet lots of new people each day and they have all been supportive. I've also met people who are interested in dating me and are also totally supportive. It's not really awkward at all, as I had anticipated it would be. I'm so glad its finally going this way. I don't have time to worry about what others think of me, but I mean in reality, we all worry sometimes. We all want people to find us attractive, to find us as dating material, to support who we are in life, and I've definitely been on a journey to find all of this. I'm finally building a core group of friends in LA, a family really. And they are so supportive and loving its unreal. I'm very thankful still for finding them. It took a while, but it was worth the wait.

I've had great responses to my blog this far, and I'm pretty happy about it. I've gotten some more requests in recent days to do more video blogging about my day in general. It has been suggested that I film myself as I go through my daily routine. I will attempt to do that. I wish I could film a day in my life at the law firm because it would be hilarious, but I'm thinking I just can't swing that. But I will def try to get some more shots of me in everyday life.

Ok, now that I've finished my hot tea in 110 degree weather, I'm going to attempt to sleep this nasty sicky off.

So I went home to see my mother

2008-06-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

I went home to see my mother. I was home from Wed to Sun. The trip wasn't as bad as I expected. My mom is in a pretty deep depression over the loss of her best friend and boyfriend, as I expected. She was warmer to me than usual, but still kind of off her rocker. We didn't talk about my transition at all because she just couldn't go there about any issue. She can hardly decide what she is wearing each day. So as much as I had anticipated a huge talk and laying out of the law, I see that this was not an opportune time. And maybe in some way it was a good thing. I think partly it was good for her to see that I"m still me. I'm still funny, outgoing, my personality hasn't changed. I've just started to change physically. And I think she was also able to see me finally be a lot more happy. I'm just more secure in who I am now that I'm facing all of this. I was pretty confident in who I was before, but having the body to match is an important part.

I got to spend a lot of time with my niece, Hannah, who is one, and my nephew, Jordan, who is 4. It was so great to see them because I am so crazy about them.
My nephew is very curious and into everything. And he's just a real character. He is confused on whether or not I'm a boy or a girl. He uses both pronouns which I think is cute. When my sister said Jamie was coming in, my nephew replied, "Why is she he coming in?"

He used to call me Auntie, but now we have him just using Jamie. He's been good about it.

But I think the cutest story of all is this. When I was getting into the shower, my curious nephew came wondering into the bathroom looking for me and when he saw me naked he said, "Jamie, how did you get boobs?" So I'm guessing he sees me more as a male. I didn't answer his question, I just smiled and sent him on his way.

I think what I love about children is that they aren't exposed to the prejudices and small minded ideas of society. My nephew loves me because I'm Jamie, not because I'm a boy or a girl. He loves the attention I give him, he loves to hang out with me and play, and that is what it should be about, always.

I also got to spend some quality time with my sister who is pretty awesome. She's my best friend who I can call at any time for anything. Really she is more like a mother to me in a lot of ways. She tries to pick up where my mom left off. She's very supportive of my transition, and I think she is able to start seeing the changes in me physically as well. I'm also lucky to have a brother in law who is supportive. He's a very relaxed, non judgmental straight guy, which I think is rare. He openly asks me how my shots are going and how I'm feeling. Just simple gestures like that make all the difference to me.

I got to see a lot of my close friends when I was home. And honestly, the nicest part about it was sharing my article with them, and having them not treat me any differently. They know I'm transitioning, and I'm also still the same old Jamie to them. It was very nice to feel so supported.

This trip also entailed coming out and telling of my story to people close to me in my life and I'm thankful to say that their responses were also good and supportive. People never cease to amaze me, and I'm glad that it was mostly good overall.

There are of course, always the disappointments. But I'm trying not to focus on those so much right now because they aren't going to get me anywhere.

Right now I'm very thankful to just be where I am. Finally happy I'm taking the journey I've longed to take for my whole life, and doing it with tons of support behind me. I feel very blessed and emotional about this. I'm very sensitive, but do I feel a touch of the hormones giving me a little edge. I think its just when you come from a place of having no support for so long, you are grateful for any that comes your way, and for once, I have a plethora, and its awesome.

Love you all.

Gay Pride Los Angeles Style

2008-06-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the Gay Pride festival in Los Angeles. I decided to partake in the festivities by volunteering for my friend's cheerleading squad. They are called Cheer LA and they perform various stunts and dances to raise money for non profits such as Aid for Aids. So, while they performed I collected donations from the crowd. It was nice to be a part of something that gave back to charity. It was a long and crazy day though. I walked so far for so long and I can hardly feel my feet. But, I still feel good.

Other than that, I'm preparing myself for what I see as a very emotional trip home. I haven't been home in 4 months, which is a very long time in my family. I used to go home once a month or once every two months. That was before I was cut off and disowned because of my transition.

Now I don't know what to expect. I know my mom loves me, I really do, I just know the dynamic between is a fucked up one. And with everything she has said and done to me, I'm curious to see my own reaction when I am finally face to face with her. I'm trying to be the bigger man and understand she is grieving a great loss and needs me to step up, but at the same time, I've stepped up my whole life. And the line needs to be drawn. So I'm anticipating my confusion with where I am to draw my boundaries and how.

I'm hoping for a peaceful weekend, one that doesn't involve some kind of blow out. I'm hoping to see my sister, my brother in law, my niece and nephew, and some close friends. And I hope that it all goes as smoothly as it can.

The Break UP

2008-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

I try not to have too many personal things up on my blog, but I don't know why when I think about it. The point of a blog, especially one like this, is to dive into the personal.

So, here goes.

Christine and I are sadly no longer together. I can't even point out what went wrong, we both just know now is not the right time, if ever. It's sad, and all those things a break up should be, but at the same time, I know I need to be alone right now. I need to figure myself out and see this transition through.

And of course, this all has to happen in the midst of my already dramatic life. I'm not sure what else could go wrong, but I hesitate in saying that because I don't want the universe to point anything else out to me.

I went out last night for my friend's birthday to Eleven in West Hollywood. It was a very interesting experience. People are starting to recognize me after reading my article in IN LA Magazine. It kind of caught me off guard, but it was nice to be noticed and nice to know that people are actually taking the time to read.

The other interesting part of my experience was that I was being noticed by both men and women. People really couldn't tell which gender I was. I thought it was funny, but at the same time, I felt a little put off. It started bringing up my own questions about how I'm going to meet women I want to date when I'm ready. I don't know how to approach lesbian women just yet and explain that I'm a transman. I feel like with other transguys you can just tell sometimes because of their "badboy" style with their tattoos, alternative clothing, I don't know, something about that has always given it away to me. But I don't dress that way in the least and it was obvious to me last night that a lot of lesbians thought I was some ignorant straight dude at a lesbian night. Kind of emotional to be dealing with that in addition to everything else on my mind yesterday.

I'm excited for LA Pride this weekend at least. I hope it will be a nice experience and will keep my mind off of the serious stuff. I'm volunteering on Saturday with Cheer LA for a few hours so I think that'll feel good as well.

I'm also flying home on Wed, June 11th for a long weekend. Should be interesting. If all goes wrong with my mother, I will at least get to see my niece and nephew, who I adore. I will also get some quality time with my sister, who is really more a like a parent to me anyhow.

So, with these things going on, I hope to remain distracted for as long as possible. Sometimes distraction can be a great aid to helping heal the heart.

Life and more life

2008-05-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

So,

I didn't end up going home for the funeral for David because it was on such short notice and I just started my new job, but it looks like I'm going to home in two weeks for just a weekend. I'll be able to face my mom in person and see if we can come to some sort of resolution on everything she has said and done to me.

We are still talking every other day or so, but mostly I just check in with her to see how she's doing. She's having a pretty hard time and even though she can never show e the empathy and sympathy I need and want, somehow I still find it in me to show it to her. I just think what she is dealing with is terrible and I don't want t compromise myself and my values by treating her as shitty as she treated me.

Other than that, I'm still taking the hormones and my voice dropped a little more significantly this week. I'm starting to crack and be awkward, and I can feel my body changing more and more. Each day I really do feel like I look less and less feminine.

Also, my article was published in a magazine called IN LA MAGAZINE. If you are in the Los Angeles area, pick up a copy wherever. I believe they are free. If you are not in Los Angeles, the article can be viewed online at www.inlamagazine.com. It should be up online by next week.

Here's my new VLOG. Hope everyone is well.

My life=lifetime movie

2008-05-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

So,

some more major updates that I didn't need added to my lifetime movie of a life. My mom's boyfriend of 10+ years died suddenly last week Monday. He was only 50 and he had a massive heart attack that killed him. He was a really great guy who was good to my mom and I was very sad to receive this news.
My mom called me to tell me herself and she just sort of acted like she and I were fine. She told me how much she loved me and how proud of me she was that I got a job at a law firm. We definitely need to discuss my gender/transition though because I did not take what she said to me lightly. I know death can bring to light so many of the important things in life and I'm glad my mom is speaking to me, but there is a lot to resolve and I just don't know how to go about resolving it. I didn't end up going home for the funeral because my mom preferred that I come in at a later time (if at all, in my opinion). It's not that I don't want to be there to comfort her, I just can't keep sacrificing my needs in the process, and I need some kind of resolve on what has happened between us. We don't speak for well over a month and then suddenly a tragedy occurs and she thinks all is well between us.

So, I've been obviously dealing a lot with that issue in itself, grieving in my own way, still working at a new job, and transitioning. It's a lot. I'm a tough cookie, and its a lot for me.

So, theres my mini update for now. I plan to post a video this weekend.

Hope all is well out there for the rest of you.

Me singing

2008-05-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

A lot of people who know me know that I like to sing. Well, I thought I'd post a video of me singing one of my favorite songs. I'm starting to hit lower notes that I've never been able to hit. So, here's the video. Enjoy!

Transitioning on the job....

2008-05-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

So,

I started my new job this week. So far, I like it a lot. It is at a major law firm in downtown Los Angeles. I'm working in the accounting department.

The issue I'm having is an interesting one though. They are so nice at this law firm, and so in favor of diversity, that everyone is going out of their way to be SUPER nice to me...like in this way that says, "WE LOVE GAY PEOPLE JAMIE. AND WE KNOW YOU ARE A BUTCH GIRL AND WE ACCEPT YOU" kind of way...its almost funny actually lol. I can very easily be mistaken for a boy (which is obviously what I want), but since I've been hired as a female, its interesting to see how hard people are working to make it known to everyone that I'm female...

So, now that I'm going to be showing more signs of transitioning, I don't know how exactly I'm going to "come out". I don't want to jeopardize my job, and it shouldn't be an issue, but we all know sometimes how things go.

I feel like some of my co workers are fine with me being gay, but they wouldn't be so fine seeing me transition from female to male.

I'm just going to continue to take it day by day. That's all I really know how to do.

In other news, I just wrote an article for IN Magazine in Los Angeles about my transition. It will be published in the PRIDE issue in a week or two, so keep an eye out for that!

I've been MIA!!

2008-05-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

So sorry for the long delay and not getting to blog for a little while. I've had a couple things going on.

I've been working over 50+ hours a week. I also was getting ready to move into my best friend's living room now that I have been cut off by my mother. My girlfriend was also in town helping me move and getting situated in my new temporary home.

I am happy to say I am now officially moved into my new home and starting a new job tomorrow!! I got the job I had interviewed for a few weeks ago at a law firm in Downtown L.A. I'm excited, but also nervous. It will be great to have a permanent position vs. a temporary position though, and that will help me get back on my feet.

My transition is still going well so far. I have started to get a few pimples on my face and back, which I don't love, but so far its managable. When it turns into full blown acne, we may have a problem then!

I have decided to delay my T shots a little though because of the new job. They interviewed me as a female, and because of that, I want to be able to start the job and feel it out before I start to show any more signs of transitioning.

Those are my small life updates for now. I'll be sure to let you know how my first day on the job goes!

I AM GETTING PIMPLES

2008-04-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

OMG I am actually getting pimples!! Everyone around me may not be noticing just yet, but I am used to having very clear skin, so the one or two pimples that I see starting to appear are a big deal, and I know thats hardly the worst to come!!

I also am experiencing itching under my arms!! It makes me crazy!! And no, its not from a lack of hygiene or not showering or something, they itch all the time, even after the shower. I have no idea if this is from testosterone or not. My theory is maybe I itch bc more hair is starting to grow there? Straaaaaange.

My girlfriend is flying in tonight and I am so so so excited to see her!! We are doing the long distance thing so sometimes we go months without seeing each other, which I hate.

I'm hoping to introduce her to everyone (via the web). I want to get her in on at least one video while she is here and maybe get her perspective on my transition. I think that could be interesting.

This is a mini update, so I will totally write more later. I realize that blogging is like having a full time job,and I must stay more up to date with what is going on with me!!!

Almost 3 weeks on T

2008-04-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

just a small weekly update

1st T shot on my own=hilarious

2008-04-10T01:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, the shot didn't go exactly as planned and by that I mean it was almost a total disaster. The entire process took over a half hour, but the video was edited down to 6 minutes or so just to capture the important parts.

I hope you enjoy!!!

2nd dose of T in T minus 4 days

2008-04-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a video recap of everything. Basically, I got a temp job that started Friday. I'm giving myself an injection of testosterone Wednesday that I'm going to record for you all!!

My mother=Hitler

2008-04-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Ok,

I thought I was angry before, but now I'm beyond. I will never speak to my mother again.

My closest friends may know this, but for those of you who don't, my doctor found a lump in my right breast. I was scheduled for an ultra sound to get a better look at what type of lump it is, and I had to cancel it because I don't have enough money for my co-payment. My sister relayed this onto my mother. When my mother heard this, her response was "Good. I'm glad the ultra sound got canceled. Then the doctor won't give Jamie anymore hormones until they know what is going on with the lump".
What kind of parent says that? What kind of parent thinks that way? I highly doubt I have breast cancer at 25, but what parent wouldn't want to make sure, KNOWING IT RUNS IN OUR FAMILY???????? And to make matters worse, she has threatened my sister and my sister is not allowed to give me any money at all.

I wish that I were writing the script to a movie and not the script of what is going on in my life right now. I am beyond outraged and hurt.

The only positive thing to say about this is that I am more driven to succeed than I have ever been in this life. Ever. And I live for the day that I make it big in whatever career path I choose, financially stable, and surrounded with a family that I have always longed for and deserved.

Officially Disowned

2008-04-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have been officially disowned and cut off. I believe I'm doing the right thing for myself finally though.

I'm getting a lot of positive feedback about my blog. People I don't even know are contacting me from the cyber world and thanking me for doing this. Well, there is more you can do to thank me. If you enjoy my blog and think its a worthy cause, then please think about donating to this cause. I've joined paypal and am now receiving donations. The donations will go directly to my transition costs, allowing me to actually continue transitioning as well as documenting my experience. No amount is too small, even if its $5.

Also, another way to help me is to hire me to publicly speak at your school, youth group, social group, etc. I have an extensive background, and over 10 years in public speaking (yes, that means I started when I was 15). I run sensitivity trainings in junior and highschools, colleges. I also have extensive experience in assisting GLBTQ groups in highschools and on college campuses with raising awareness and planning large scale events and speakers. In addition to that, I also speak publicly about what it means to be a part of the GLBTQ community, and I open myself up to answer most questions from the audience. If you are interested in hiring me for any of these, feel free to contact me at jamie.machotka@gmail.com

Thanks again to everyone for their continued support.

Jamie...coming to a couch near you

2008-04-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I gave the update on my job interview, but now it is time for me to tell you what went down with the rest of my night last night and there is no logical way or normal way to explain what happened, so you'll just have to trust what I say. And if you know me personally, and you know my family and Ive told you about this quack of a therapist, you know what I'm about to tell you is entirely true, no exaggerations.

I got 2 voice mails after my job interview yesterday from my mom and our family therapist. The therapist's message said "Jamie, this is an emergency, we are dealing with a crisis. I need you to call me back immediately". My mom's voicemail said "CALL YOUR MOTHER IMMEDIATELY". I was panicked. I thought my mom was sick again( she has an incurable blood disease she almost died from) or something awful had happened. I called my mom back, and her first sentence was, "STOP TAKING THE HORMONES IMMEDIATELY". This is what the crisis is?? She then asked me to call the therapist and I did. I was caught so off guard I had nothing more to say to her at that very moment. And I also became angry. So I called the therapist and he said the same thing. I need to stop taking hormones immediately, etc etc. He also brought up some other family issues and told me that that was why this was a true emergency. I was angry. I asked him why he would ever refer to these issues as a crisis or an emergency and why he would ever leave me a voice mail that induces panic like that and that that was not the way to address me or these issues. And you know how he responded?? HE TOLD ME I WAS ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH and not to tell him how to leave messages for his clients and that this was indeed serious and that I was trying to create bullshit to take away from the issues, when in fact, I was trying to bring him down a notch and letting him know that my hormone therapy is not an emergency. I tried to tell him that I've been in therapy discussing this matter, who I am seeing, what their credentials are, that my mom knew I was exploring this for a long time, that I let her know every step of the process as it was happening.Ladies and gentlemen, this is called a MIND FUCK. This is also called, an ethical violation. He is so uneducated in this matter and homophobic and transphobic, that he spent his time on the phone trying to tell me that I am not transgendered and that I do not belong in treatment for it. And let me also say, that when I saw him years ago and came out as a lesbian, he also told me I was not a lesbian. This is his pattern. He is a bigot. I've tried very hard to educate him and my mother, to have them be as informed as they want to be. I'm a public speaker and I've spent my highschool and college years educating thousands of people!!!! I am well educated, informed, and I know how to communicate effectively for others. My conclusion on this matter is that this therapist is uneducated and unwilling to be educated, and most damaging, is willing to diagnose me with his ignorance.

Unfortunately, my mother turns a blind eye and a deaf ear when it comes to me and my issues also. She has done it my whole life. She did it when I came out as a lesbian, she did it when I struggled in highschool, and she is doing it again now. She doesn't like to face reality, and when she finally does, a panic is induced. I did not simply call her one day and say, "Hi mom, I'm on hormones and becoming a man. Talk to you soon". She has known every step of the way and has simply not wanted to deal with it. She knew when I moved to LA six months ago, that I was seeing someone for my gender issues and exploring the option of a sex change. And now that she is finally realizing this is going to impact her in some way, she panicked. I'm not angry at her for panicking, but I am angry that I become a victim of that panic. Just because people don't have a clear understanding of me or who I am or how I feel, does not mean that I am wrong in any way and it does not mean that I failed to communicate. And I was trying to explain this to the therapist in Chicago, but he wasn't very receptive. He just kept telling me I was making excuses and that I must be suffering underneath from a lot of emotional stuff to turn to this course of action. And unfortunately for me, my mom thinks this man is G-d. We continued to battle it out on the phone about family issues, my personal issues, my gender issues. What is most important to me though, is sharing with you this list of reasons he and my mother came up with for why I need to stop taking hormones:

1) I have no idea what I'm doing and I must be doing this illegally(my mother)
2) the people treating me in LA must not be fully licensed(my mother)
3) I don't come across as male in any way, and that I must be hurting from some other issue and turning to this as some sort of vice(Barrie, the therapist)
4)I'm doing this because I am overweight(Barrie, the therapist)
5)I haven't thought this through at all(Barrie and my mom)
6) I must not really feel like a boy if I haven't discussed it at length with either one of them(Barrie and my mom)
7) I'm doing this because of my scarred relationship with my father(Barrie)
8)Im doing this because of my break up with Stefanie(Barrie)
9) i'm doing this because i'm depressed or trying to rebel(Barrie and my mom)

None of the reasons mentioned above are reasons I have sought out hormone therapy. I can assure myself as well as the world around me, I have obviously thought through this. I have sought out professional help. I have wrestled with these feelings since I was little and have discussed these issues at length since I was in highschool. I'm not doing this to spite my father or my ex girlfriend. It has nothing to do with anyone else, except me. And I've spent years in therapy exploring these issues and finally coming to my own conclusions on the matter.

Now, for the skeptics out there, some of these reasons may sound somewhat intriguing to you. I do have a terrible relationship with my father and I did have a terrible break up with a girl named Stefanie. However, put yourself in my shoes. For those of you who have had a break up or a bad relationship with a family member, DO YOU THINK THE VICE YOU'D TURN TO IS HORMONE THERAPY!!??!?!?!?! There are so many drugs out there, so many different alcoholic beverages, cigarettes, the list goes on. I don't know many people who get themselves into hormone therapy!!! And the last time I checked, I dont see an epidemic where fat people are so unhappy being overweight they have decided to have sex changes.
And don't think I didn't think of these concerns myself. I had to make absolutely sure that there was not some Freudian thing going on with me and that I'm not doing this to become the father I never had or some bullshit like that. I also had to make sure that I didn't have urges to become a man because my ex girlfriend left me for one. I can sleep at night and am at peace with my decision because I have explored all of the issues on my own.
Furthermore, there are safeguards in place so that if G-d forbid, someone was trying to do this, the doctors and therapists would catch it!!! I'm under the care of THREE fully licensed professionals!! 3!!! not one, not two, BUT THREE.
And all of them have had to sign off on my treatment. They had to be ABSOLUTELY sure that I was ready for this and that I was right for this course of treatment, a treatment that cannot be reversed for the most part. I highly doubt three professionals are willing to lose their licenses over lil ol me. Trust me, I'm ready.

I called my mother after having this awful phone call with Barrie. I began by telling her he called me a little bitch and my mom said, "So what Jamie?" I kid you not. It doesn't phase her because she thinks my one goal in life is to come up with as many ways as possible to make her suffer and miserable. She also thinks I made it up because what therapist would ever say that to a patient? Unbelievable.
I told her I understood that she was panicked and concerned. I told her I would be happy to sit down with her, and only her, anytime to discuss my hormone therapy or anything else she wanted to be informed on. And she flipped out. She then gave me an ultimatum. "Jamie, you either come home this weekend and sit down with me and Barrie, or lose my number. You will be cut off". I offered again to come home but to sit down with a different therapist. She said no, and repeated her ultimatum. I can't win.

Perhaps if Barrie and my mom would listen to me, they'd understand. I always learned that in order to have a successful conversation, there has to be active listening on both sides, and I'm definitely not receiving that. What I wish is that my mom and Barrie would listen to me and my reasons. They claim they want to have a sit down, but I've been down this road before with them, my entire life. And they never give me the respect or time that I deserve when I present my case.

So now, I'm stuck. I was obviously hysterical about this the entire night last night. I called my sister and I called my best friend Peter. When I tell my sister what happened, I can hear how horrified she is over the phone. And this is what is telling to me. I ask my sister what I should do, and she can't answer me. She says that part of her wants me to do both. I think if the family dynamic were normal, and my mom were a loving parent who was really committed to my well being, my sister would tell me to come home and try to work through it. But her answer was not that. Part of my sister knows that I have been abused by my mother and that it never changes. Peter, one of my oldest friends who has witnessed 10 years worth of this, thinks I should absolutely not go home. They both pointed out that this is my mother's pattern. She takes whatever I value in life, and she tries to destroy it, and she always always tries to control me with the money.
Needless to say, I had a nervous breakdown last night and had to have Peter take me to see my therapist late in the evening. My therapist is an angel sent to me from heaven. I'm so thankful she was able to see me last night. She and Peter both helped me draw some very meaningful conclusions.

1)The only reason I am still speaking to my mother at this point in my life at all aside from this, is because she is helping me financially. I have been her favorite person to abuse mentally from the time I was born, and those around me have seen it with their own eyes. I should have stopped speaking to her long ago because all she does is take me down.

2) I keep going back for more abuse because I long for a relationship with at least one parent, and I keep believing she will change, and she doesn't.

3) I believe in the word "family" and I keep trying to create one

4) Nothing good will result from me visiting Chicago.

5) I need set boundaries.

6) My entire life, my friends have really been family.

So basically, I'm about to lose my mom because of her ultimatum. She is unwilling to talk to me without Barrie. She isn't willing to support me financially until I get a job. She wants to take back the car she bought me, cancel my car insurance, cancel my medical insurance, take back my iphone, and never speak to me again. And this time, I'm not going to stop her.

I've been spoiled my whole life with material wealth. My family spoiled me with material things because love and emotion weren't available. And if you know me at all, you know that I am all about the love and emotion. Yes, I like gadgets and nice things and my nice car, but these things don't make me happy. And yes, it will be pretty difficult to go from having everything material to having nothing. But I'm willing to do it. For the first time in my life, I am finally doing what I need to for myself without putting others first. And now I would like to continue doing what I need to do, without anymore mental abuse and control from my mother.

I do love my mom, and she does have good qualities in her. I would like to have a relationship with her. I have offered to go to therapy with her to a different therapist, I have offered to sit down with her one on one. She does not wish to choose either one of these options and that makes me feel really awful, but that is her choice. I do hope that she won't really cut me off or do any of the stuff she has threatened, but if she does do it, I'm ready. I'm hoping that me finally standing up for myself for the first time in 25 years will say something to her about where I am at now.

If anyone has seen the movie or read the book, "Running with Scissors", that is where I feel like I am right now. My life is a movie.
Please don't ever do this to any of your friends or family. If you have doubts or you question anyone around you on big issues like this, I hope you go about discussing it the right way. This has definitely done some damage to me and will take me some time to recover. I will forgive, but I will never forget.

So, that is why the title of this blog is "Jamie..coming to a couch near you". LOL I try to have a sense of humor, even during some of the most awful times in life. It has truly been what has kept me going.

Thank you for the emails, comments, and phone calls. Please keep them coming. I don't know if I failed to mention this, but just in case I did, I'm on hormones and fucking with my entire body as all of this goes on so it feels like double the fun!!!

Love you all,

Jam

Job Interview...

2008-04-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

So I'm sure you are all curious to know how my job interview went and what went down.

Well, I decided to dress sort of ambiguously since the person who scheduled my interview told me to feel free to dress casually. So, I wore black dress pants and a blue and white striped button down (tucked in, with a belt of course).

The woman at the interview was nice. Clearly, she was bewildered though. She could not tell which sex I was and she didn't attempt to assign me one, which was good. In the end though I feel like she thought I was a guy, which is fine. I hope to receiving a callback from her. We will see.

In the meantime, I have an interview at a nonprofit organization today which I'm excited about. When I first interviewed with them, I said I was female. I have no idea why. I think I said female because its a temporary position so I didn't feel the need to fill them in on all my drama.

I swear as I read what I am writing it seems as if I'm living some kind of double life when I'm a male at one interview and a female at the next. lol Oh the life of a trans person....

Male or Female?? Funny you should ask, I'm a...BOTH

2008-03-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today is Monday and I'm high anxiety today because I have a job interview. To most people, high anxiety or some anxiety on an interviewing day is normal. The interview process causes others anxiety because they want to do well at the job interview, land the job, etc. I do not usually get nervous about that kind of stuff. I know how to sell myself, how to talk to people, how to land a job. What makes me nervous is, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM. And by that I mean, which sex I am supposed to say I am?? There is no guidebook for me on this one. Before I was just a butch lesbian and I owned that, making sure I dropped small hints (or large ones) to let people know I was female. Now that I'm transitioning though, I do not know what the hell to tell them!! Let's brainstorm this shall we?

Problems with telling future employers I'm female:

1) I look like a guy and sometimes people don't believe me
2)I'm BECOMING a guy, so maybe it would be easier to just tell them I'm a guy from the start??!
3) Sometimes when I'm perceived as a butch lesbian, I face A LOT of discrimination bc im not just a lesbian who adheres to normal gender roles and clothing, I cross the line in some peoples eyes, and it really bothers them!

Problems with telling future employers I'm MALE:

1) my voice is too high to pass for a real guy and they will think i'm lying
2) if I pass for a guy, then they ask for my identification (drivers license, passport), and those documents say FEMALE, so they won't hire me if that happens

So this is a very tricky position to be in. I'm in DIRE need of a job though and so I just keep trying to feel out the interview. But I'm starting to freak out a little because I'm actually taking hormones and I will be changing physically. And also, this whole process is a HUGE coming out. I already came out once and that was awful, and now I have to do it ALL over again. So its just tough to pick and choose where and when, and in this situation, it doesn't feel like I have a clear choice. I have no idea what will happen today.

And I guess the more I think about it, even when I am a guy, I really wish I didn't have to pick all the time. I wish that it didn't matter which sex I was. I believe there is a reason I was born and given a neutral name like JAMIE. And it just totally goes against all that when I walk into an interview and they start their sentence with "Hello, Miiiissssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttter??? um miisterrrrrrrrrrrrrsssszssssss??" It comes out so awkwardly and part of me wants to just laugh at them and with them. They address me in the same confused way I address myself at this point!!!!

I wish I had a doctorate in something so that I could avoid the categories altogether. They could call me Dr. Jamie or Dr. Machotka and be as confused as I am in this process!!!

Ok, well, I at least feel better after blogging about it. I just need to trust that what is meant to happen will happen, and I will be sure to put a post up later letting you know how all of this went down. Should be interesting!!!

Week 1 of Testosterone Treatment

2008-03-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

So clearly, if you came to see my blog, you can tell from the title of it that this is about my transition. I was born female and I am now transitioning to become a male. I felt starting this blog would be important for several reasons.

1) It would inform people about my actual transition

2) It would keep people updated on how I am changing day to day, including photos and video!!

3) It would be educational, maybe even fun!!

4) Perhaps it will help other people who are dealing with this

5) It will help raise awareness

Some questions I think I should answer in the beginning of this blog.

What is involved in transitioning?

Well, basically, it involves alot of counseling and eventually hormones, and the option of surgeries. I will be sure to get into the details later.

Why did I decide to transition?

I've felt like a boy since I was young. I thought that perhaps I was just a butch lesbian and have attempted living that way, and I still wasn't happy. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I feel like I've been born into the wrong body and I would like how I feel on the inside to match with how I feel on the outside. After I graduated from college and moved to LA, I decided it was time to take this whole thing on. I know that I am not happy as I am, and I need to see this through. So I began therapy in November, and I have just recently been cleared and allowed to start my hormone treatment.

I received my first dose of testosterone on Wednesday, March 26th. It was an injection that went into my upper thigh. There are side effects of the testosterone such as increased appetite, increased sex drive, emotions all over the place. Basically, I will be going through puberty for a second time!! Oy, but I know it will be worth it in the end. My voice will deepen, I will develop facial hair, my muscles will be more developed, my body will redistribute my fat differently, my face may become more square. I could also develop acne!! I believe within 6 months to a year people will not be able to tell that I was born a female. I don't know how soon I will be feeling these side effects. I can tell you it has been a weird week already though. I'm going through so much emotionally already. I've been searching for a job for six months, I'm coming out to people all over again, I'm building a new network in a new city, etc. So maybe its the placebo effect, but I do feel different a little already. My emotions seem to be a little weird and I literally have had moments where I feel like a 12 year old awkward boy. But maybe I feel that way because I know what I'm about to embark on, so who knows.

However,I am so excited to finally start this part of my life and I want to be able to share it with everyone around me. Having the support of my friends and family is especially critical at this time in my life. So, please, send some positive energy my way in the form of comments on my blog, emails, phone calls, anything. I want to hear from everyone!!! I need to hear from my network of support!!! And please, if you have any questions at all, please ask!! If you feel they are too personal for the blog, email them to me and I will be happy to answer you!!! I love you Check out the video I just posted. This video was shot the day before my 1st dose of "T".