I dressed up as Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween and Jordyn was Deb, the girl with the side pony tail who does the"Glamour Shots". We had a great time.
Check out this video of me!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It went well!
I'm happy to report that I met Jordyn's family and it actually went pretty well. Her mom was nice to me and made an effort to talk to me. She was much warmer than I had anticipated after everything she had previously said. I also met Jordyn's father, and both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents don't know I'm trans and I'm perfectly ok with that. The meeting of the family was something I was anticipating for so long and I was somewhat fearful. So I am so happy that it went as well as it did.
After spending a day in Philly with Jordyn and her family, we departed on our road trip to Los Angeles. We had a lot of fun. We stopped all over the country and stayed mostly with our friends and my family. We made the drive in 6 days, which wasn't too bad.
I'm so happy to finally have my girlfriend living in the same city as me. She is such a huge support to me.
Now, our next project together is raising enough money for me to have top surgery. We are hoping to plan a party/benefit to help raise the funds. So, if you are in the LA area, make sure to check back for updates. We are looking to have something in Jan or Feb.
After spending a day in Philly with Jordyn and her family, we departed on our road trip to Los Angeles. We had a lot of fun. We stopped all over the country and stayed mostly with our friends and my family. We made the drive in 6 days, which wasn't too bad.
I'm so happy to finally have my girlfriend living in the same city as me. She is such a huge support to me.
Now, our next project together is raising enough money for me to have top surgery. We are hoping to plan a party/benefit to help raise the funds. So, if you are in the LA area, make sure to check back for updates. We are looking to have something in Jan or Feb.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Meeting Jordyn's Family Finally
A few updates since my last entry…
Jordyn is moving to Los Angeles, which is so exciting!! When is she doing this? Next week!!! How is she doing this?? Well, being the glorious boyfriend that I am, I am flying out East tonight to help her drive her car and stuff to LA.
This also means I am meeting her family. If you recall, her mother reacted very badly to the news that her daughter is dating a transman. She is still not doing well with that. Her mom initially responded by freaking out, calling me names, and telling Jordyn she never wanted to meet me, hear about me, or have anything to do with me. So, I guess meeting her is progress, but I’m still not sure how it will go. Her mom hasn’t been taking any major steps towards wanting to understand us, getting to know me, but she will at least listen to Jordyn talk about me and is letting me stay in her house for one night. I just feel a lot of pressure about all of this. I really want to be able to go into this with my head balanced on my shoulders properly. But after all the trash talking this woman has done about me, without knowing me or how well I treat her daughter, it obviously hurts me and angers me. And yet, it is on me to be the good guy, to block all the crazy shit out she has done and said, so that I can make a good impression and let her see I’m just a guy. I feel like I’m going to be under a microscope and she is going to be staring at me looking for any signs that indicate I was born female. The thought of that is obviously uncomfortable. I don’t really want to be stared at like I have something wrong me or like I have the plague. So, needless to say, it is very challenging to try and be the bigger person, the educator, the person on display so people can learn and grow, all while I still deal with my own issues of being trans.
I’m also meeting Jordyn’s father as well as both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents do not know that I’m a transman and I think I’d like to keep it that way.
So, this is 7 months of up and down bullshit dealing with Jordyn's family. I am not sure how it will go. I just need to focus on the fact that I cannot control other people, I can only control me. I just need to be myself.
Jordyn is moving to Los Angeles, which is so exciting!! When is she doing this? Next week!!! How is she doing this?? Well, being the glorious boyfriend that I am, I am flying out East tonight to help her drive her car and stuff to LA.
This also means I am meeting her family. If you recall, her mother reacted very badly to the news that her daughter is dating a transman. She is still not doing well with that. Her mom initially responded by freaking out, calling me names, and telling Jordyn she never wanted to meet me, hear about me, or have anything to do with me. So, I guess meeting her is progress, but I’m still not sure how it will go. Her mom hasn’t been taking any major steps towards wanting to understand us, getting to know me, but she will at least listen to Jordyn talk about me and is letting me stay in her house for one night. I just feel a lot of pressure about all of this. I really want to be able to go into this with my head balanced on my shoulders properly. But after all the trash talking this woman has done about me, without knowing me or how well I treat her daughter, it obviously hurts me and angers me. And yet, it is on me to be the good guy, to block all the crazy shit out she has done and said, so that I can make a good impression and let her see I’m just a guy. I feel like I’m going to be under a microscope and she is going to be staring at me looking for any signs that indicate I was born female. The thought of that is obviously uncomfortable. I don’t really want to be stared at like I have something wrong me or like I have the plague. So, needless to say, it is very challenging to try and be the bigger person, the educator, the person on display so people can learn and grow, all while I still deal with my own issues of being trans.
I’m also meeting Jordyn’s father as well as both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents do not know that I’m a transman and I think I’d like to keep it that way.
So, this is 7 months of up and down bullshit dealing with Jordyn's family. I am not sure how it will go. I just need to focus on the fact that I cannot control other people, I can only control me. I just need to be myself.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Keep on Truckin'
It's been a somewhat busy summer for me. I have been keeping busy with work. I also went to San Francisco for their Pride parade, that was fun. My girlfriend has just returned to the U.S. after being abroad for two months and she was just in LA to visit me for a long weekend. That was great as well. I'm very happy to be dating someone who I can safely say, completely accepts me for who I am. She loves me MORE for the fact that I am trans, she just totally gets that it is a part of who I am and I would not be who I am if I weren't. She's just incredible. And having a supportive partner really makes a world of difference. Most of us trans folks, or at least the ones in my life (me included), talk a lot about how we feel like we may never find love because we are trans. We often experience a lot of difficulty finding a partner who will love and accept us for who we are. Someone recently said something to the effect of deciding to transition may mean you sacrifice a love life in order to be who you really are. When I heard that statement, it made me sad, but it is somewhat true, at least for some. And I thought I was going to be in that boat, but thankfully, I'm not. As I've had this blog, I've dated a few different people, so the problem hasn't been finding someone to date, but someone who really accepts me. The breakups I've had with the last two people I dated had some issues around the fact that I am trans, and it was very painful to go through. So, I just cannot express how thankful I am to be dating someone I feel really accepts me. It's an incredible feeling, it's freeing. And I'm madly, crazily in love with Jordyn. She's an incredible person, and someone who has been one of my best friends for a few years. She's strong willed, independent, smart, and so so so loving. The next time we are together, I'm hoping to have her film a video blog with me. I want her to share a little bit about her and her views on me being trans. I want to be able to give some hope to the trans people or people in general I know who feel that they may never find someone. I think her perspective is a very important one to hear, and I'm hoping she'll want to share her true feelings and opinions as someone who is "heterosexual", or what I like to call "straight with a twist" (me being the twist :) ).
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Tough week
I have had a rough week this past week. Prop 8 was upheld in California. That was a real downer. I hope to become more politically involved in that hot button topic. I think its ridiculous that it even got passed in the first place. So, that started off the week.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.
Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.
Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Some updates
Ok, it's been a while since I've blogged. So, I have some updates.
1. So, Jordyn told her family we were dating. They didn't respond well at all, to say the least. Her mom called me all sorts of names (freak,abnormal,etc, and claims not to know who her daughter is. Furthermore, her family suggest that I brainwashed her. Needless to say, this has been very hard for us to deal with.
We both thought her sister and her mother would be very understanding and happy for us, but we were very wrong. And I think part of dealing with their reaction is so hard just because we didn't see it coming, at all.
It's obviously going to take a lot of time for them to process and hopefully accept me and us as a couple. I really hope they come around, especially for Jordyn's sake. I would say she is fairly close to both her mother and her sister, and these kinds of reactions are hurting her relationship with both of them.
It feels awful to be judged by two people who don't know me at all, and to be judged so harshly. I know, without a doubt, that if Jordyn's mom didn't know I was trans, she would think I was the perfect Jewish boy for her daughter. The whole thing just makes me so angry and so livid. But, I try not to focus on the anger. I try to just focus on giving Jordyn the support she needs and having her feel safe and secure. She's been handling it incredibly well. She hasn't allowed her family's reaction to influence how she feels toward me at all. She has reached out for support and has even gone to a PFLAG meeting by herself. (Parents and Friends of GLBT people, support group) She's so brave. I just feel bad because she shouldn't have to go through all of this when she's not even the one who is trans! It's like she is coming out and having to deal with all of the coming out issues. It's not fair, it's really not, but she just continues to take everything in and to deal with it as it comes. She's amazing and strong. Thank goodness for that.
2. Jordyn came to surprise me in LA two weekends ago. She planned the whole thing with my roommate/best friend and she showed up at my work!! It was awesome. We had an awesome weekend together, and it was very good timing because Jordyn needed to be away from her family for a little while and we needed each other's support and to just spend some quality time together.
3. I went to the family wedding this past weekend. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People were surprised, but overall, I wouldn't say that anyone had a very negative or hateful reaction at all. I was able to dance, socialize, and have a decent time. My mom even introduced me as her son, which was a HUGE step for her. I got to see my niece and nephew, my sister, and spend some time with them. That was also nice. My niece is 2 and my nephew is 5. They are lots of fun! I also got to catch up with some sort of distant family members. A few chatted with me and told me they had been reading my blog, which meant a lot to me. They were incredibly supportive.
4. I went to the doctor and found out I need to have a mammogram. I'm definitely nervous about it. I'm nervous to get the results and I'm nervous to even have it done. I have to go to like a Womens center of some sort. My doctor says men have mammograms there also, but I doubt there are many transmen who go in. I really wish there was access to safer healthcare for trans people...so yeah, I need to get that done. I also had my t levels checked and they are great, which I am happy about. So, my dose will stay the same as it has been. I inject myself once every three weeks and I use Testim gel everyday.
Those are the updates in a nutshell. I'm working and busy as always. Life is probably the best it has been for me in a while. I have a steady job, a comfortable place to live, a girlfriend who I adore,friends, and some family that I can go to for support. I'm finally living the life I've wanted to live for years and I'm living for me, not for others. It's very freeing.
1. So, Jordyn told her family we were dating. They didn't respond well at all, to say the least. Her mom called me all sorts of names (freak,abnormal,etc, and claims not to know who her daughter is. Furthermore, her family suggest that I brainwashed her. Needless to say, this has been very hard for us to deal with.
We both thought her sister and her mother would be very understanding and happy for us, but we were very wrong. And I think part of dealing with their reaction is so hard just because we didn't see it coming, at all.
It's obviously going to take a lot of time for them to process and hopefully accept me and us as a couple. I really hope they come around, especially for Jordyn's sake. I would say she is fairly close to both her mother and her sister, and these kinds of reactions are hurting her relationship with both of them.
It feels awful to be judged by two people who don't know me at all, and to be judged so harshly. I know, without a doubt, that if Jordyn's mom didn't know I was trans, she would think I was the perfect Jewish boy for her daughter. The whole thing just makes me so angry and so livid. But, I try not to focus on the anger. I try to just focus on giving Jordyn the support she needs and having her feel safe and secure. She's been handling it incredibly well. She hasn't allowed her family's reaction to influence how she feels toward me at all. She has reached out for support and has even gone to a PFLAG meeting by herself. (Parents and Friends of GLBT people, support group) She's so brave. I just feel bad because she shouldn't have to go through all of this when she's not even the one who is trans! It's like she is coming out and having to deal with all of the coming out issues. It's not fair, it's really not, but she just continues to take everything in and to deal with it as it comes. She's amazing and strong. Thank goodness for that.
2. Jordyn came to surprise me in LA two weekends ago. She planned the whole thing with my roommate/best friend and she showed up at my work!! It was awesome. We had an awesome weekend together, and it was very good timing because Jordyn needed to be away from her family for a little while and we needed each other's support and to just spend some quality time together.
3. I went to the family wedding this past weekend. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People were surprised, but overall, I wouldn't say that anyone had a very negative or hateful reaction at all. I was able to dance, socialize, and have a decent time. My mom even introduced me as her son, which was a HUGE step for her. I got to see my niece and nephew, my sister, and spend some time with them. That was also nice. My niece is 2 and my nephew is 5. They are lots of fun! I also got to catch up with some sort of distant family members. A few chatted with me and told me they had been reading my blog, which meant a lot to me. They were incredibly supportive.
4. I went to the doctor and found out I need to have a mammogram. I'm definitely nervous about it. I'm nervous to get the results and I'm nervous to even have it done. I have to go to like a Womens center of some sort. My doctor says men have mammograms there also, but I doubt there are many transmen who go in. I really wish there was access to safer healthcare for trans people...so yeah, I need to get that done. I also had my t levels checked and they are great, which I am happy about. So, my dose will stay the same as it has been. I inject myself once every three weeks and I use Testim gel everyday.
Those are the updates in a nutshell. I'm working and busy as always. Life is probably the best it has been for me in a while. I have a steady job, a comfortable place to live, a girlfriend who I adore,friends, and some family that I can go to for support. I'm finally living the life I've wanted to live for years and I'm living for me, not for others. It's very freeing.
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