Ok, so today is Monday and I'm high anxiety today because I have a job interview. To most people, high anxiety or some anxiety on an interviewing day is normal. The interview process causes others anxiety because they want to do well at the job interview, land the job, etc. I do not usually get nervous about that kind of stuff. I know how to sell myself, how to talk to people, how to land a job. What makes me nervous is, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM. And by that I mean, which sex I am supposed to say I am?? There is no guidebook for me on this one. Before I was just a butch lesbian and I owned that, making sure I dropped small hints (or large ones) to let people know I was female. Now that I'm transitioning though, I do not know what the hell to tell them!! Let's brainstorm this shall we?
Problems with telling future employers I'm female:
1) I look like a guy and sometimes people don't believe me
2)I'm BECOMING a guy, so maybe it would be easier to just tell them I'm a guy from the start??!
3) Sometimes when I'm perceived as a butch lesbian, I face A LOT of discrimination bc im not just a lesbian who adheres to normal gender roles and clothing, I cross the line in some peoples eyes, and it really bothers them!
Problems with telling future employers I'm MALE:
1) my voice is too high to pass for a real guy and they will think i'm lying
2) if I pass for a guy, then they ask for my identification (drivers license, passport), and those documents say FEMALE, so they won't hire me if that happens
So this is a very tricky position to be in. I'm in DIRE need of a job though and so I just keep trying to feel out the interview. But I'm starting to freak out a little because I'm actually taking hormones and I will be changing physically. And also, this whole process is a HUGE coming out. I already came out once and that was awful, and now I have to do it ALL over again. So its just tough to pick and choose where and when, and in this situation, it doesn't feel like I have a clear choice. I have no idea what will happen today.
And I guess the more I think about it, even when I am a guy, I really wish I didn't have to pick all the time. I wish that it didn't matter which sex I was. I believe there is a reason I was born and given a neutral name like JAMIE. And it just totally goes against all that when I walk into an interview and they start their sentence with "Hello, Miiiissssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttter??? um miisterrrrrrrrrrrrrsssszssssss??" It comes out so awkwardly and part of me wants to just laugh at them and with them. They address me in the same confused way I address myself at this point!!!!
I wish I had a doctorate in something so that I could avoid the categories altogether. They could call me Dr. Jamie or Dr. Machotka and be as confused as I am in this process!!!
Ok, well, I at least feel better after blogging about it. I just need to trust that what is meant to happen will happen, and I will be sure to put a post up later letting you know how all of this went down. Should be interesting!!!
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5 comments:
Hey, all good points. It is hard with the english language where pronouns he and she are everywhere.
When I taught we were told by the case worker to ask the kids what their preferred pronoun is. So I'd say go with what you prefer and explain later.
But what I want to know is, How'd it go? I hope it wasn't like the scene in L-word where max tells his boss he once was a she. I bet it was way better than that. But if it wasn't BIG HUGS to you!
I'm very proud of you dear friend!
Jamie, tried to blog but it got lost in cyberspace...
Suggestions, "I identify as male, but please, just call me Jamie."
Love,
Karla.
I like Karla's suggestion. I think that you should identify yourself as who you really are - regardless of what organs you have.
BarbRyan
Hey
I am Dion June Ijeh. I will felt that something is missing until I figured out I want to become a transman. I have made some chang like cutting my hair and adding a male name, Dion. Finally made an appointment to see a doctor about changing gender.
But I do not know how i am going to explain this to my mother.
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