Jamie...coming to a couch near you

Ok, so I gave the update on my job interview, but now it is time for me to tell you what went down with the rest of my night last night and there is no logical way or normal way to explain what happened, so you'll just have to trust what I say. And if you know me personally, and you know my family and Ive told you about this quack of a therapist, you know what I'm about to tell you is entirely true, no exaggerations.

I got 2 voice mails after my job interview yesterday from my mom and our family therapist. The therapist's message said "Jamie, this is an emergency, we are dealing with a crisis. I need you to call me back immediately". My mom's voicemail said "CALL YOUR MOTHER IMMEDIATELY". I was panicked. I thought my mom was sick again( she has an incurable blood disease she almost died from) or something awful had happened. I called my mom back, and her first sentence was, "STOP TAKING THE HORMONES IMMEDIATELY". This is what the crisis is?? She then asked me to call the therapist and I did. I was caught so off guard I had nothing more to say to her at that very moment. And I also became angry. So I called the therapist and he said the same thing. I need to stop taking hormones immediately, etc etc. He also brought up some other family issues and told me that that was why this was a true emergency. I was angry. I asked him why he would ever refer to these issues as a crisis or an emergency and why he would ever leave me a voice mail that induces panic like that and that that was not the way to address me or these issues. And you know how he responded?? HE TOLD ME I WAS ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH and not to tell him how to leave messages for his clients and that this was indeed serious and that I was trying to create bullshit to take away from the issues, when in fact, I was trying to bring him down a notch and letting him know that my hormone therapy is not an emergency. I tried to tell him that I've been in therapy discussing this matter, who I am seeing, what their credentials are, that my mom knew I was exploring this for a long time, that I let her know every step of the process as it was happening.Ladies and gentlemen, this is called a MIND FUCK. This is also called, an ethical violation. He is so uneducated in this matter and homophobic and transphobic, that he spent his time on the phone trying to tell me that I am not transgendered and that I do not belong in treatment for it. And let me also say, that when I saw him years ago and came out as a lesbian, he also told me I was not a lesbian. This is his pattern. He is a bigot. I've tried very hard to educate him and my mother, to have them be as informed as they want to be. I'm a public speaker and I've spent my highschool and college years educating thousands of people!!!! I am well educated, informed, and I know how to communicate effectively for others. My conclusion on this matter is that this therapist is uneducated and unwilling to be educated, and most damaging, is willing to diagnose me with his ignorance.

Unfortunately, my mother turns a blind eye and a deaf ear when it comes to me and my issues also. She has done it my whole life. She did it when I came out as a lesbian, she did it when I struggled in highschool, and she is doing it again now. She doesn't like to face reality, and when she finally does, a panic is induced. I did not simply call her one day and say, "Hi mom, I'm on hormones and becoming a man. Talk to you soon". She has known every step of the way and has simply not wanted to deal with it. She knew when I moved to LA six months ago, that I was seeing someone for my gender issues and exploring the option of a sex change. And now that she is finally realizing this is going to impact her in some way, she panicked. I'm not angry at her for panicking, but I am angry that I become a victim of that panic. Just because people don't have a clear understanding of me or who I am or how I feel, does not mean that I am wrong in any way and it does not mean that I failed to communicate. And I was trying to explain this to the therapist in Chicago, but he wasn't very receptive. He just kept telling me I was making excuses and that I must be suffering underneath from a lot of emotional stuff to turn to this course of action. And unfortunately for me, my mom thinks this man is G-d. We continued to battle it out on the phone about family issues, my personal issues, my gender issues. What is most important to me though, is sharing with you this list of reasons he and my mother came up with for why I need to stop taking hormones:

1) I have no idea what I'm doing and I must be doing this illegally(my mother)
2) the people treating me in LA must not be fully licensed(my mother)
3) I don't come across as male in any way, and that I must be hurting from some other issue and turning to this as some sort of vice(Barrie, the therapist)
4)I'm doing this because I am overweight(Barrie, the therapist)
5)I haven't thought this through at all(Barrie and my mom)
6) I must not really feel like a boy if I haven't discussed it at length with either one of them(Barrie and my mom)
7) I'm doing this because of my scarred relationship with my father(Barrie)
8)Im doing this because of my break up with Stefanie(Barrie)
9) i'm doing this because i'm depressed or trying to rebel(Barrie and my mom)


None of the reasons mentioned above are reasons I have sought out hormone therapy. I can assure myself as well as the world around me, I have obviously thought through this. I have sought out professional help. I have wrestled with these feelings since I was little and have discussed these issues at length since I was in highschool. I'm not doing this to spite my father or my ex girlfriend. It has nothing to do with anyone else, except me. And I've spent years in therapy exploring these issues and finally coming to my own conclusions on the matter.


Now, for the skeptics out there, some of these reasons may sound somewhat intriguing to you. I do have a terrible relationship with my father and I did have a terrible break up with a girl named Stefanie. However, put yourself in my shoes. For those of you who have had a break up or a bad relationship with a family member, DO YOU THINK THE VICE YOU'D TURN TO IS HORMONE THERAPY!!??!?!?!?! There are so many drugs out there, so many different alcoholic beverages, cigarettes, the list goes on. I don't know many people who get themselves into hormone therapy!!! And the last time I checked, I dont see an epidemic where fat people are so unhappy being overweight they have decided to have sex changes.
And don't think I didn't think of these concerns myself. I had to make absolutely sure that there was not some Freudian thing going on with me and that I'm not doing this to become the father I never had or some bullshit like that. I also had to make sure that I didn't have urges to become a man because my ex girlfriend left me for one. I can sleep at night and am at peace with my decision because I have explored all of the issues on my own.
Furthermore, there are safeguards in place so that if G-d forbid, someone was trying to do this, the doctors and therapists would catch it!!! I'm under the care of THREE fully licensed professionals!! 3!!! not one, not two, BUT THREE.
And all of them have had to sign off on my treatment. They had to be ABSOLUTELY sure that I was ready for this and that I was right for this course of treatment, a treatment that cannot be reversed for the most part. I highly doubt three professionals are willing to lose their licenses over lil ol me. Trust me, I'm ready.

I called my mother after having this awful phone call with Barrie. I began by telling her he called me a little bitch and my mom said, "So what Jamie?" I kid you not. It doesn't phase her because she thinks my one goal in life is to come up with as many ways as possible to make her suffer and miserable. She also thinks I made it up because what therapist would ever say that to a patient? Unbelievable.
I told her I understood that she was panicked and concerned. I told her I would be happy to sit down with her, and only her, anytime to discuss my hormone therapy or anything else she wanted to be informed on. And she flipped out. She then gave me an ultimatum. "Jamie, you either come home this weekend and sit down with me and Barrie, or lose my number. You will be cut off". I offered again to come home but to sit down with a different therapist. She said no, and repeated her ultimatum. I can't win.

Perhaps if Barrie and my mom would listen to me, they'd understand. I always learned that in order to have a successful conversation, there has to be active listening on both sides, and I'm definitely not receiving that. What I wish is that my mom and Barrie would listen to me and my reasons. They claim they want to have a sit down, but I've been down this road before with them, my entire life. And they never give me the respect or time that I deserve when I present my case.

So now, I'm stuck. I was obviously hysterical about this the entire night last night. I called my sister and I called my best friend Peter. When I tell my sister what happened, I can hear how horrified she is over the phone. And this is what is telling to me. I ask my sister what I should do, and she can't answer me. She says that part of her wants me to do both. I think if the family dynamic were normal, and my mom were a loving parent who was really committed to my well being, my sister would tell me to come home and try to work through it. But her answer was not that. Part of my sister knows that I have been abused by my mother and that it never changes. Peter, one of my oldest friends who has witnessed 10 years worth of this, thinks I should absolutely not go home. They both pointed out that this is my mother's pattern. She takes whatever I value in life, and she tries to destroy it, and she always always tries to control me with the money.
Needless to say, I had a nervous breakdown last night and had to have Peter take me to see my therapist late in the evening. My therapist is an angel sent to me from heaven. I'm so thankful she was able to see me last night. She and Peter both helped me draw some very meaningful conclusions.

1)The only reason I am still speaking to my mother at this point in my life at all aside from this, is because she is helping me financially. I have been her favorite person to abuse mentally from the time I was born, and those around me have seen it with their own eyes. I should have stopped speaking to her long ago because all she does is take me down.

2) I keep going back for more abuse because I long for a relationship with at least one parent, and I keep believing she will change, and she doesn't.

3) I believe in the word "family" and I keep trying to create one

4) Nothing good will result from me visiting Chicago.

5) I need set boundaries.

6) My entire life, my friends have really been family.

So basically, I'm about to lose my mom because of her ultimatum. She is unwilling to talk to me without Barrie. She isn't willing to support me financially until I get a job. She wants to take back the car she bought me, cancel my car insurance, cancel my medical insurance, take back my iphone, and never speak to me again. And this time, I'm not going to stop her.

I've been spoiled my whole life with material wealth. My family spoiled me with material things because love and emotion weren't available. And if you know me at all, you know that I am all about the love and emotion. Yes, I like gadgets and nice things and my nice car, but these things don't make me happy. And yes, it will be pretty difficult to go from having everything material to having nothing. But I'm willing to do it. For the first time in my life, I am finally doing what I need to for myself without putting others first. And now I would like to continue doing what I need to do, without anymore mental abuse and control from my mother.

I do love my mom, and she does have good qualities in her. I would like to have a relationship with her. I have offered to go to therapy with her to a different therapist, I have offered to sit down with her one on one. She does not wish to choose either one of these options and that makes me feel really awful, but that is her choice. I do hope that she won't really cut me off or do any of the stuff she has threatened, but if she does do it, I'm ready. I'm hoping that me finally standing up for myself for the first time in 25 years will say something to her about where I am at now.

If anyone has seen the movie or read the book, "Running with Scissors", that is where I feel like I am right now. My life is a movie.
Please don't ever do this to any of your friends or family. If you have doubts or you question anyone around you on big issues like this, I hope you go about discussing it the right way. This has definitely done some damage to me and will take me some time to recover. I will forgive, but I will never forget.

So, that is why the title of this blog is "Jamie..coming to a couch near you". LOL I try to have a sense of humor, even during some of the most awful times in life. It has truly been what has kept me going.

Thank you for the emails, comments, and phone calls. Please keep them coming. I don't know if I failed to mention this, but just in case I did, I'm on hormones and fucking with my entire body as all of this goes on so it feels like double the fun!!!

Love you all,

Jam