Another day another dose

So, today I did another dose of t and I'm feeling this one a lot. My heart kind of speeds up and makes me feel like I want to run a marathon or lift really heavy things and see how long I can hold them. My moods were kind of all over the place today also. I think thats the hardest thing to deal with really. I have a lot of big issues going on in life and having them amplified wouldn't be easy on anyone. So, I'm just trying to take it all in stride.

Today I'm mostly upset about my current living situation. I still live in Peter's living room and it's pretty tough. I've tried to have a really positive attitude and get through it, but today its really getting to me. It's hard to feel homeless. It's hard to rely on people. It's hard to have to live out of suitcases and have no where for your stuff. At the same time, I'm thankful I have somewhere to sleep, but coming from the spoiled life I lead, this is hitting me in some big ways. It is humbling, but it also upsets me.

I came to LA in search of a dream and when I got here 9 months ago, I never could have predicted I'd be where I am currently. I didn't think I'd make it big overnight, but I didn't think I'd be struggling like I am or living in someone else's space instead of my own. Although I was spoiled, I was and still am very self sufficient. I have a strong work ethic and I like to do things for myself without relying on other people. Even allowing myself to live in Peter's space was a battle within me. And now its kind of getting old. Peter is kind of fed up with me living in his space, which is understandable. It's cramped and not good and affecting us both in bad ways. I need to get out.

The question is, where the fuck am I going? Am I supposed to get an apartment and stick it out in LA longer? Am I supposed to go back home and stay with my sister?? Am I going to apply to some program abroad that pays my living expenses? Law school? Grad school? I have no idea. I always tell myself to stay put until I know what my plan is, but I feel like I've been saying that for the last 9 months. And its frustrating to feel like I'm supposed to be moving in a direction and going nowhere.

Someone who I recently became close with helped me realize that maybe my journey to LA was not about the career in comedy, but about my transition. It was about getting away from everything that was in my way and giving me the space I need to grow and change into the me I want to be and am. And having recently accepted that thought, it does ring true and bring me some peace. Thank you for helping me realize that Rebecca.

I've also established a real sense of independence that I think I was lacking my whole life. I've really learned how to take care of myself and what I need to be ok. I'm still a work in progress on that, but I'm at least learning and taking copious notes.

And yet, even with the growth I've achieved, I'm still never happy, the harsh self critic within me always has the loudest opinion.

So its just been one of those days of reflection that begs the questions from me to myself over and over again.

I have the moments where I tell myself its ok to not know where I'm going, but I do also still have the moments where I freak out. I have control issues. I like having a plan. I like to know ahead of time what I'm doing and I'm learning in the hardest way possible, that life is not going to give me that every time, if ever.


Trying to find your place in the universe is a lot more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I think I just need to take more time to listen to what it is trying to tell me.

I also need to have more faith and trust that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and that everything does happen for a reason. My whole life is in transition and I need to trust that this will lead me to great things.

I'll get there, just gotta take it one step at a time. Oh these emotions :)