Just some thoughts

It's a fine Saturday morning here in Los Angeles. I'm up at 7am because I think I've come down with a terrible sinus infection and sore throat. It's 110 degrees here and I can't stop sweating, and now I'm drinking tea and honey. I'd like to share with you what that feels like. It feels like death. My body is already trying to keep me cooled down by making me sweat and then I add in a hot drink and I feel like I'm going to faint every time I take a sip. But I'd take the fainting feeling over the pain I have in my nasal passage and throat. A great start to a very busy, overbooked weekend I have ahead of me.

Today is my law firm's annual party, and they decided to rent out the Rose Bowl! I think that is so awesome! And we are supposed to have a flag football game and I'm signed up to play, but I'm nervous. The people in my office still see me as female and I know I can pass for a male no problem with some of the other people that are going to be there today. So, it'll probably be a day where I'm switching depending on who I am talking to. I need to come up with a plan to tell my co workers. I think people are starting to catch on.

There are two women I am closer with overall and they keep asking me if I have a cold (its because my voice is getting deeper, not just that I'm sick as I happen to be now). And one of them invited me to her wedding. I told her I'd be wearing a tuxedo and she's down with that. I'm just not sure if she's getting that I'm transgendered vs. a butch lesbian. It's a tough line because I sit in such close quarters with these people that when I tell them, its going to be tense I think for a little while. But if any office environment is going to handle it well at all, I think it will be the one I'm in because there is such diversity going on at all levels. We'll see though. I've definitely been wrong before, but I am trying to stay positive. I'm thinking about telling the two that are close to me by showing them the article I wrote in the magazine. I feel like maybe if they read it and get part of my story and some quick answers to general questions, it might go more smoothly. I've also thought about just telling them at lunch one day. I usually follow my instincts in situations like these, but I have so many worrisome thoughts that I'm unable to decipher what my instincts are telling me. I need to focus and get to the bottom of that because not dealing with this head on and letting go on for longer is making me more anxious about it. I really am proud of who I am and what I'm about. I just want my work environment to remain unaffected and I wish I didn't have to come out to anyone about this. But the reality is that people care, people judge, and people want to know every last detail about something juicy going on. So, something needs to be said about my transition.

When I was beginning my transition, I was very consumed with worries about who I would date, how I would tell people. who would be supportive, who wouldn't. My friend Phoenix gave me the best advice (he's also a transman). He told me not to worry about it, that it would all fall into place, and that if I just keep the focus on me, the right people will come my way when it is time. And I'm happy to report that that is finally coming true. I meet lots of new people each day and they have all been supportive. I've also met people who are interested in dating me and are also totally supportive. It's not really awkward at all, as I had anticipated it would be. I'm so glad its finally going this way. I don't have time to worry about what others think of me, but I mean in reality, we all worry sometimes. We all want people to find us attractive, to find us as dating material, to support who we are in life, and I've definitely been on a journey to find all of this. I'm finally building a core group of friends in LA, a family really. And they are so supportive and loving its unreal. I'm very thankful still for finding them. It took a while, but it was worth the wait.


I've had great responses to my blog this far, and I'm pretty happy about it. I've gotten some more requests in recent days to do more video blogging about my day in general. It has been suggested that I film myself as I go through my daily routine. I will attempt to do that. I wish I could film a day in my life at the law firm because it would be hilarious, but I'm thinking I just can't swing that. But I will def try to get some more shots of me in everyday life.

Ok, now that I've finished my hot tea in 110 degree weather, I'm going to attempt to sleep this nasty sicky off.