New city, new doctor

I went to my new doctor in Illinois yesterday and I have to say that I am very fond of him. He is very thorough. He has a lot of trans patients and he's completely comfortable talking about all of the issues, medication, surgeries, everything. Most importantly, he didn't make me feel rushed in the least. He took the time to talk to me, answer all of my questions, all of Rebecca's questions, and it was great. So, I'm happy and feeling more comfortable knowing that I have a medical professional I can talk to about anything.

Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.

I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.


I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.

I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.

He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.

I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.


And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.


As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.

I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)

My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.

I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.

I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.

My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.

Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.

Enjoy!