Clearly it's been a little while since I've posted and a lot has happened since my last post.
For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.
Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.
I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.
One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.
One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.
I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.
That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.
I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My first FTM meeting
This past weekend I went to a support group for FTM (female to male) men. And it was great. It was my first time really being a part of a group of trans guys. I'm sorry that I waited so long to reach out for support. It was great just to be in the presence of other transmen. It made me feel a sense of community, belonging. The group had two parts. The first part was open to FTMs and their friends, family, partners, support, etc. And the second half we split up so that one group was just the FTMs and the other group was for everyone else. I benefitted from both. It was nice to see people have support at all. Some people had friends, even parents in attendance. And I was surprised that a lot of people also had romantic partners. I've heard so often that it is hard for transmen to find people to date and that was definitely not the case with the people I met.
I really liked when the group split up though and we could talk about issues that transmen face such as side effects of testosterone, finding doctors, dealing with people when you ask them to switch pronouns and use He instead of She. There were a lot of different perspectives on each issue and that was also helpful. Some people at the meeting recognized me from the articles I've written as well as my blog. So people do actually pay attention and read this thing which I'm glad to hear.
Overall I had a good time and made some new friends both trans and non trans.
Other than that, I am now a full-time adult with a full time job which means I'm tired, a lot. The doctor says I need to be sleeping more than 8 hours a night because my body needs it a lot more now that I'm going through puberty again. He explained to me that that was why I was probably tired a lot as a teenager as well. Our bodies need more sleep during puberty. No wonder. I'm also trying to meet my protein goal each day which isn't happening either. I'm supposed to eat 120 grams of protein a day and that's hard to do. When I do come close to hitting that, it's because I've had several protein shakes in a day. And drinking those gets boring very quickly.
The hair on my face seems to be growing thicker now, but I'm still struggling with my sideburns. They grow but they don't grow in fully the way I'd like them to. I'm hoping that starts to happen soon.
Two of my very best friends are coming to visit this week and next week and I'm excited and nervous to see them. They haven't seen me since I even started transitioning. So I'm sure there will be some shock to deal with there, nothing bad. But I want to see how they react and what they think once they do see me. They'll have honest and good input I think.
Valentine's day was this past weekend and that was also kind of rough. Another one of the holidays that I hadn't celebrated alone in over a decade. It was interesting. I partied with my friends and went out dancing and what not. I went to a gay club and ran into Perez Hilton and Janice Dickenson. That was interesting. So weird to go to a club and run into celebrities like that. I had an ok time. It was mostly a gay guy club with few women. I blended right in. I found myself checking some guys out but I'm still confused about my attraction to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at them because I'd like to look like them and other times I'm not sure. That's still a work in progress. I'm still attracted to women, that hasn't changed at least.
Those are my major updates for now. Remember to send me any questions, comments, feedback. That stuff is always appreciated.
Thanks!
I really liked when the group split up though and we could talk about issues that transmen face such as side effects of testosterone, finding doctors, dealing with people when you ask them to switch pronouns and use He instead of She. There were a lot of different perspectives on each issue and that was also helpful. Some people at the meeting recognized me from the articles I've written as well as my blog. So people do actually pay attention and read this thing which I'm glad to hear.
Overall I had a good time and made some new friends both trans and non trans.
Other than that, I am now a full-time adult with a full time job which means I'm tired, a lot. The doctor says I need to be sleeping more than 8 hours a night because my body needs it a lot more now that I'm going through puberty again. He explained to me that that was why I was probably tired a lot as a teenager as well. Our bodies need more sleep during puberty. No wonder. I'm also trying to meet my protein goal each day which isn't happening either. I'm supposed to eat 120 grams of protein a day and that's hard to do. When I do come close to hitting that, it's because I've had several protein shakes in a day. And drinking those gets boring very quickly.
The hair on my face seems to be growing thicker now, but I'm still struggling with my sideburns. They grow but they don't grow in fully the way I'd like them to. I'm hoping that starts to happen soon.
Two of my very best friends are coming to visit this week and next week and I'm excited and nervous to see them. They haven't seen me since I even started transitioning. So I'm sure there will be some shock to deal with there, nothing bad. But I want to see how they react and what they think once they do see me. They'll have honest and good input I think.
Valentine's day was this past weekend and that was also kind of rough. Another one of the holidays that I hadn't celebrated alone in over a decade. It was interesting. I partied with my friends and went out dancing and what not. I went to a gay club and ran into Perez Hilton and Janice Dickenson. That was interesting. So weird to go to a club and run into celebrities like that. I had an ok time. It was mostly a gay guy club with few women. I blended right in. I found myself checking some guys out but I'm still confused about my attraction to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at them because I'd like to look like them and other times I'm not sure. That's still a work in progress. I'm still attracted to women, that hasn't changed at least.
Those are my major updates for now. Remember to send me any questions, comments, feedback. That stuff is always appreciated.
Thanks!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Life is good
I've just been working a lot these past couple of weeks. Things at my new job are interesting. Some people know I'm trans and some don't. Nobody treats me any differently though. They all refer to me as a "HE" and go about their business. It's great to be able to walk into a work setting and have people refer to me as male from the beginning. It's a very different experience compared to my last job where I had to tell people and correct them and put up with their bullshit.
Things in LA are good for the most part overall. I'm living with another transman which is nice. He and I are able to discuss our issues, feelings, physical side effects, etc. We are good support for one another. And we have been on t for almost the same amount of time.
Speaking of, soon it's going to be a year since I have been on T!! It's so crazy! So much of me has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I know there are definite physical changes but I kind of expected my body to change shape a little more. Maybe that comes in the second year of T though. Time will tell.
Recently, my dad's side of the family discovered my video blog and written blog. And that's interesting because I really don't have a relationship with my father so he doesn't even know that I'm transitioning. So that was interesting. I was happy to hear from his family that they are supportive and happy for me. I wonder what my dad's reaction will be when he hears through the grapevine.
Other than working and the stuff I've mentioned, not too much else is going on. I'm focused on making friends and supporting myself with positive people and that has been going well. California is full of such diversity and an appreciation for diversity and that is what I love about it. It's easy to find somewhere to fit in and I've found my place. :)
Hope everyone is well. Feel free to send along comments and questions as always.
Things in LA are good for the most part overall. I'm living with another transman which is nice. He and I are able to discuss our issues, feelings, physical side effects, etc. We are good support for one another. And we have been on t for almost the same amount of time.
Speaking of, soon it's going to be a year since I have been on T!! It's so crazy! So much of me has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I know there are definite physical changes but I kind of expected my body to change shape a little more. Maybe that comes in the second year of T though. Time will tell.
Recently, my dad's side of the family discovered my video blog and written blog. And that's interesting because I really don't have a relationship with my father so he doesn't even know that I'm transitioning. So that was interesting. I was happy to hear from his family that they are supportive and happy for me. I wonder what my dad's reaction will be when he hears through the grapevine.
Other than working and the stuff I've mentioned, not too much else is going on. I'm focused on making friends and supporting myself with positive people and that has been going well. California is full of such diversity and an appreciation for diversity and that is what I love about it. It's easy to find somewhere to fit in and I've found my place. :)
Hope everyone is well. Feel free to send along comments and questions as always.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I moved
Sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to blogging. It's hard to keep up with myself in this life of mine sometimes.
I relocated once again. I decided to put off law school and to move back to Los Angeles. I left Los Angeles a little too early last time so it's a city I'm not quite done with. I'm happier here, I have a job and a place to live, so things are going well.
I have been more moody recently, and that could be because I moved, but also because of the hormones. I just notice a lot of up and down mood swinging happening at random and it's hard to deal with sometimes. I hope it levels out soon.
I'm getting hairier, as if that were even possible. I'm Jewish and was naturally hairy but the T found a way to add a little more. I'm also breaking out more on my body and face, another down side to taking the t.
I'm now researching surgeons a little bit for top surgery. I'm coming up to being on hormones for a year so now surgery is even a possibility and that's exciting.
That's all for now!
I relocated once again. I decided to put off law school and to move back to Los Angeles. I left Los Angeles a little too early last time so it's a city I'm not quite done with. I'm happier here, I have a job and a place to live, so things are going well.
I have been more moody recently, and that could be because I moved, but also because of the hormones. I just notice a lot of up and down mood swinging happening at random and it's hard to deal with sometimes. I hope it levels out soon.
I'm getting hairier, as if that were even possible. I'm Jewish and was naturally hairy but the T found a way to add a little more. I'm also breaking out more on my body and face, another down side to taking the t.
I'm now researching surgeons a little bit for top surgery. I'm coming up to being on hormones for a year so now surgery is even a possibility and that's exciting.
That's all for now!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And now I'm becoming attracted to men?.......
A day that I thought would never happen. But now I find myself becoming more attracted to men. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would happen to me, nor did anyone else in my life who knew just how girl crazy I was.
I am noticing men more often in every day life. I am actually checking them out sometimes, and finding myself attracted. I just need to sort out in which way I'm attracted. I get confused easily because sometimes I feel an attraction to a man I want to look like, and then sometimes I feel attracted to a man who I just happen to think is attractive.
I'm not sure that these attractions I'm feeling are anything that I would act upon, but I guess it's a possibility.
I've been really struggling with this though. It is scary and new. I talked with a few friends of mine about it and they were in shock. I almost didn't want to put it in my blog because it's such a sensitive topic, but I'm all about being open and honest.
I'll be sure to update everyone as I figure it out. But I have a feeling it's going to be a slow process. We'll see what happens.
I am noticing men more often in every day life. I am actually checking them out sometimes, and finding myself attracted. I just need to sort out in which way I'm attracted. I get confused easily because sometimes I feel an attraction to a man I want to look like, and then sometimes I feel attracted to a man who I just happen to think is attractive.
I'm not sure that these attractions I'm feeling are anything that I would act upon, but I guess it's a possibility.
I've been really struggling with this though. It is scary and new. I talked with a few friends of mine about it and they were in shock. I almost didn't want to put it in my blog because it's such a sensitive topic, but I'm all about being open and honest.
I'll be sure to update everyone as I figure it out. But I have a feeling it's going to be a slow process. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Today is my birthday!
Today I turn 26. Today is my first birthday as a man. Today is a day I have been dreaming about since I was young. I'm a happy happy boy! :)
Previously I mentioned that I would be doing a question and answer blog. I am still planning on doing that. So, if you have any questions about me, my transition, anything you want to know, please feel free to submit them to me. You can leave them as you comment on my blog or send me an email. My email address is jamie.machotka@gmail.com.
Thanks everyone who continues to read my blog. I hope you continue to find it interesting and insightful!
Previously I mentioned that I would be doing a question and answer blog. I am still planning on doing that. So, if you have any questions about me, my transition, anything you want to know, please feel free to submit them to me. You can leave them as you comment on my blog or send me an email. My email address is jamie.machotka@gmail.com.
Thanks everyone who continues to read my blog. I hope you continue to find it interesting and insightful!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I HAVE BACK HAIR
Well, now I know for sure my testosterone is working. I now have hair growing on my back.
When I embarked on this transition, I knew it was a possibility, I wasn't necessarily hoping for it, but it's a side effect. It's not terribly thick or anything yet, but it's there. I noticed it today when I got out of the shower! I noticed it on the upper part of my back near my shoulders.
I could be imagining things, but I also feel for some reason like my hands are getting bigger. I don't think that can happen, but I swear it is happening. My hands seem like they are so much bigger and longer than they used to be. It's that or I never really noticed that I have rather large hands!
Onto other things, I finally have uploaded the video interview with two of my friends. This interview took place November 21, 2008, so it's a month or so old.
Enjoy!
When I embarked on this transition, I knew it was a possibility, I wasn't necessarily hoping for it, but it's a side effect. It's not terribly thick or anything yet, but it's there. I noticed it today when I got out of the shower! I noticed it on the upper part of my back near my shoulders.
I could be imagining things, but I also feel for some reason like my hands are getting bigger. I don't think that can happen, but I swear it is happening. My hands seem like they are so much bigger and longer than they used to be. It's that or I never really noticed that I have rather large hands!
Onto other things, I finally have uploaded the video interview with two of my friends. This interview took place November 21, 2008, so it's a month or so old.
Enjoy!
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