Today was an eventful day.
I started therapy with a new therapist who specializes in gender issues and so far, I love her.
She seems to really know her stuff, she's written and published 3 books, including a medical text book.
After meeting with me for only an hour, I've deemed her the "guru" all on things gender related. She really has devoted her life to studying all issues dealing with gender and I find her to be incredibly knowledgeable. She also happens to be the wife of my new doctor! I love that they are this married, heterosexual couple that just happen to specialize in treating people with gender issues.
My actual therapy with her though was somewhat emotional. She was easy to talk to, and learned right away the right questions to ask to get me to talk.
I gave her the whole history of me, and in doing so, it made me emotional. I didn't think it would at all. But I guess as I sit here and think about it, it makes sense that it would be emotional to recount to someone else your entire life history, all of the issues you have personally, where they started, where they are going, how I came to terms with my gender issues.
It was also a very freeing experience. It felt safe and comfortable. I could say anything and it was as if she knew what I was talking about and had heard it before, obviously a much different experience than talking to Barrie, my old therapist, who judged me and made me feel like I was losing my mind.
The new therapist stressed to me some very important points also. She talked a lot about my transition on the inside vs. the outside. She told me this transition would be something I need to also grow with and into emotionally, and I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, it was a little scary to me for some reason. I think because I just realized in her office once again, how my entire life is in transition and it's up to me to make it what I want it to be and to work hard for the changes I want.
From therapy, I went to meet my new tutor for the LSAT. The tutor is very nice and she is easy to understand for the most part so that's good. I think just actually getting started on the studying itself was stressful. I see how far I have to go and also how hard I need to work for this too.
It was a productive day overall though and I'm happy about that.
I should also mention that I came out to my dentist yesterday and he handled it rather well. He seemed pretty comfortable for the most part and asked me questions about how I feel on the hormones, how often I'm taking them, etc. It was nice that I could talk with him about it.
I also made an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed by the woman I've seen since I was 12. My sister sees her now and told her about my transition. She knows I'm coming in to have her re-shape my eyebrows, but in a metrosexual, male kind of way. That appointment is next week.
Not much else to report. It sounds like I have a cold when I talk now, and I think as time goes on, that is going to get worse for a little while. I also have a sore throat during the day sometimes as well. The singing is still not coming as easily as it was, but all of this will clear up in time. I just have to be patient.
So, here are some new videos.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
New city, new doctor
I went to my new doctor in Illinois yesterday and I have to say that I am very fond of him. He is very thorough. He has a lot of trans patients and he's completely comfortable talking about all of the issues, medication, surgeries, everything. Most importantly, he didn't make me feel rushed in the least. He took the time to talk to me, answer all of my questions, all of Rebecca's questions, and it was great. So, I'm happy and feeling more comfortable knowing that I have a medical professional I can talk to about anything.
Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.
I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.
I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.
I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.
He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.
I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.
And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.
As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.
I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)
My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.
I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.
I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.
My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.
Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.
Enjoy!
Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.
I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.
I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.
I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.
He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.
I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.
And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.
As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.
I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)
My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.
I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.
I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.
My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.
Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.
Enjoy!
Monday, August 11, 2008
I'm finally home
Sorry it has taken me so long to blog. I drove cross country from LA to Chicago, and what an interesting journey that was.
I changed the sex on my California driver's license to say Male instead of Female, and until it arrives, I am driving on a temporary, paper license. And that made the road trip to Chicago more interesting when I got pulled over in UTAH for speeding.
The officer was actually really nice. He took the paper license, gave me a ticket, and mostly sent us on our way. It was a little confusing though because on his copy of my ticket, my information printed out with "FEMALE" on it, but then he crossed it out and wrote male when he saw my paper license. But then when he was headed back to his car, he said something to my girlfriend about making sure she "slows HER down" (referring to me). So truthfully, I have no idea what gender he thought I was. And it could have been really bad, but it actually went really well, except for the part where I got the ticket.
Overall though, the road trip was smoothly. No other tickets, mishaps, or car trouble, so I'm thankful for that. I think I'm not the road tripping kind of guy. I like to just get where I am going.
A day or two after I arrived in Chicago, I went traveling again. This time, I went to Canada. It was my first time and I had a blast. I went to Niagara Falls.
I was nervous crossing the border because my passport says female still, but they really didn't question it at all. I was with a few other people which I think made it easier as well.
My passport wasn't required to get into Canada, but I'm still using a paper driver's license so I needed a photo ID of some sort.
Now I'm back from Canada, and trying to get back into the swing of things here at home.
I'm happy to report that my mother has been unusually cooperative in the last two visits I've had with her this week. She met my new girlfriend, and has been attempting to say "HE" and call me her son. THIS IS HUGE. I know she is struggling, but the fact that she is making the effort at all means a lot. I hope she continues to.
My sister has also been great. She's been reinforcing that I am a boy to my niece and nephew, and also trying hard to switch pronouns.
So, my homecoming so far has been totally unexpected and very much appreciated.
I'm also currently on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. I have a few recommendations that I am going to follow up on in the next couple of days.
And other than that, it's time to bury myself in the house and study for my LSAT exam.
In terms of my actual transition and physical changes, my voice continues to play tricks on me. Some days I feel it going deeper and coming in stronger, other days I feel raspy and have a sore throat. I still struggle most days with my singing voice. Randomly, I crack and have breaks in my voice where I didn't used to. I'm also trying to teach myself to breathe in different ways to hit the lower notes. Sometimes it is really frustrating, but I know in the end, it will all be fine. It's just that literally, I'm like a 12 year old boy, and that's ok, as long as it isn't permanent.
My body continues to have tightness and cramping, especially in my legs. Still feel like I'm having growing pains. I'm sure I need to be taking more vitamins to help with that though.
The hair on my face, arms, armpits, and legs is starting to come in more and thicker. Looks like I'm going to be the typical hairy jewish guy :)
My appetite is also weird. I wake up very early in the morning from hunger pains sometimes and now I enjoy eating a large breakfast usually consisting of some type of omelette. I didn't used to be a real breakfast person.
My moods continue to be up and down. I feel strong surges of emotion at random times of day and sometimes when I should feel a strong surge of emotion, I don't. That continues to be frustrating and not easy to deal with, but I'm just trying to ride the wave and deal. I think the more I am aware of it, the easier it becomes to deal with until it passes.
I think that about sums up everything going on with me for now. :)
I changed the sex on my California driver's license to say Male instead of Female, and until it arrives, I am driving on a temporary, paper license. And that made the road trip to Chicago more interesting when I got pulled over in UTAH for speeding.
The officer was actually really nice. He took the paper license, gave me a ticket, and mostly sent us on our way. It was a little confusing though because on his copy of my ticket, my information printed out with "FEMALE" on it, but then he crossed it out and wrote male when he saw my paper license. But then when he was headed back to his car, he said something to my girlfriend about making sure she "slows HER down" (referring to me). So truthfully, I have no idea what gender he thought I was. And it could have been really bad, but it actually went really well, except for the part where I got the ticket.
Overall though, the road trip was smoothly. No other tickets, mishaps, or car trouble, so I'm thankful for that. I think I'm not the road tripping kind of guy. I like to just get where I am going.
A day or two after I arrived in Chicago, I went traveling again. This time, I went to Canada. It was my first time and I had a blast. I went to Niagara Falls.
I was nervous crossing the border because my passport says female still, but they really didn't question it at all. I was with a few other people which I think made it easier as well.
My passport wasn't required to get into Canada, but I'm still using a paper driver's license so I needed a photo ID of some sort.
Now I'm back from Canada, and trying to get back into the swing of things here at home.
I'm happy to report that my mother has been unusually cooperative in the last two visits I've had with her this week. She met my new girlfriend, and has been attempting to say "HE" and call me her son. THIS IS HUGE. I know she is struggling, but the fact that she is making the effort at all means a lot. I hope she continues to.
My sister has also been great. She's been reinforcing that I am a boy to my niece and nephew, and also trying hard to switch pronouns.
So, my homecoming so far has been totally unexpected and very much appreciated.
I'm also currently on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. I have a few recommendations that I am going to follow up on in the next couple of days.
And other than that, it's time to bury myself in the house and study for my LSAT exam.
In terms of my actual transition and physical changes, my voice continues to play tricks on me. Some days I feel it going deeper and coming in stronger, other days I feel raspy and have a sore throat. I still struggle most days with my singing voice. Randomly, I crack and have breaks in my voice where I didn't used to. I'm also trying to teach myself to breathe in different ways to hit the lower notes. Sometimes it is really frustrating, but I know in the end, it will all be fine. It's just that literally, I'm like a 12 year old boy, and that's ok, as long as it isn't permanent.
My body continues to have tightness and cramping, especially in my legs. Still feel like I'm having growing pains. I'm sure I need to be taking more vitamins to help with that though.
The hair on my face, arms, armpits, and legs is starting to come in more and thicker. Looks like I'm going to be the typical hairy jewish guy :)
My appetite is also weird. I wake up very early in the morning from hunger pains sometimes and now I enjoy eating a large breakfast usually consisting of some type of omelette. I didn't used to be a real breakfast person.
My moods continue to be up and down. I feel strong surges of emotion at random times of day and sometimes when I should feel a strong surge of emotion, I don't. That continues to be frustrating and not easy to deal with, but I'm just trying to ride the wave and deal. I think the more I am aware of it, the easier it becomes to deal with until it passes.
I think that about sums up everything going on with me for now. :)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thoughts about LA
So,
today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!
It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.
In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.
My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.
I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.
I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.
He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.
I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.
So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.
My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.
Ok, now off to pack some more!
today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!
It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.
In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.
My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.
I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.
I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.
He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.
I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.
So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.
My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.
Ok, now off to pack some more!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Everything is coming together
Finally,
I am happy to report that I think things are starting to come together more. I took a lot of time to think, ponder, change my mind a million and a half times, and I've made some important decisions in the past week.
I was about to sign a lease in LA for the next nine months. And I just couldn't do it. I had people around me questioning why I was committing to LA another 9 months and what I had here, and the answer was, I don't know, and I don't feel like I have much if anything at all.
I gave LA my best shot for now. I became disillusioned with the dream of being a comic and what it really takes in a city like this. I also started transitioning and I think ultimately I had to choose one journey over the other. The transition came first, and I'm happy about it. Nonetheless, I'm done with LA as a result.
I need to be near my major support systems and right now, they are in Chicago. So, I have a year to kill while I prepare to take the LSAT in December and then apply to law school. I decided I want to spend that time with my family, close friends, and girlfriend. It's important, ESPECIALLY at this time.
So, I've made my decision. I'm leaving LA next week and I couldn't be more excited.
I'll be driving home this time and I'm kind of looking forward to the road trip. I've never been to some of the states I'll be driving through.
I'm also happy to report that I will be applying for a new driver's license that says I'm a male!!! California is apparently one of the only states that lets you change your sex on your license before you have surgery. I just had to have my doctor here fill out a form. I'm going to apply for my new license tomorrow!!!
I know I'll be driving on a California license in Illinois, but that's ok with me. It's safer for me to have that license saying I'm male now that I fully present as one, then me getting pulled over in the suburbs of Chicago and having a license that says female while I have a 5 o'clock shadow.
Also, I've been asked to write another article for IN LA magazine!!! The first one got a lot of feedback, great reviews, and they like my story. So, I'll be sure to keep you posted on when the next one is published!
It is a little overwhelming to be working 40 hours a week and packing up all my stuff, but it has also been therapeutic. I feel a lot more at peace this week than I have in a long time, and I'm very very grateful.
In terms of physical changes this week, there are a few. Those of you who know me and my singing voice know that one of my favorite tunes to sing at karaoke was Bonnie Rait, Let's Give Em Something to talk about. I'm sad and proud to report that I can no longer hit the high notes in that song!!!! It's crazy!! In one week, I feel like my voice dropped so much!!!
I've also been getting a lot hairier on my legs and my facial hair is coming in thicker. The hair on my head also feels like the texture is changing and like I'm losing some of it....I swear if I get male pattern baldness as a result of this....I'm definitely going to the Hair Club for Men.
The transition of my entire life continues. Stay tuned!!
I am happy to report that I think things are starting to come together more. I took a lot of time to think, ponder, change my mind a million and a half times, and I've made some important decisions in the past week.
I was about to sign a lease in LA for the next nine months. And I just couldn't do it. I had people around me questioning why I was committing to LA another 9 months and what I had here, and the answer was, I don't know, and I don't feel like I have much if anything at all.
I gave LA my best shot for now. I became disillusioned with the dream of being a comic and what it really takes in a city like this. I also started transitioning and I think ultimately I had to choose one journey over the other. The transition came first, and I'm happy about it. Nonetheless, I'm done with LA as a result.
I need to be near my major support systems and right now, they are in Chicago. So, I have a year to kill while I prepare to take the LSAT in December and then apply to law school. I decided I want to spend that time with my family, close friends, and girlfriend. It's important, ESPECIALLY at this time.
So, I've made my decision. I'm leaving LA next week and I couldn't be more excited.
I'll be driving home this time and I'm kind of looking forward to the road trip. I've never been to some of the states I'll be driving through.
I'm also happy to report that I will be applying for a new driver's license that says I'm a male!!! California is apparently one of the only states that lets you change your sex on your license before you have surgery. I just had to have my doctor here fill out a form. I'm going to apply for my new license tomorrow!!!
I know I'll be driving on a California license in Illinois, but that's ok with me. It's safer for me to have that license saying I'm male now that I fully present as one, then me getting pulled over in the suburbs of Chicago and having a license that says female while I have a 5 o'clock shadow.
Also, I've been asked to write another article for IN LA magazine!!! The first one got a lot of feedback, great reviews, and they like my story. So, I'll be sure to keep you posted on when the next one is published!
It is a little overwhelming to be working 40 hours a week and packing up all my stuff, but it has also been therapeutic. I feel a lot more at peace this week than I have in a long time, and I'm very very grateful.
In terms of physical changes this week, there are a few. Those of you who know me and my singing voice know that one of my favorite tunes to sing at karaoke was Bonnie Rait, Let's Give Em Something to talk about. I'm sad and proud to report that I can no longer hit the high notes in that song!!!! It's crazy!! In one week, I feel like my voice dropped so much!!!
I've also been getting a lot hairier on my legs and my facial hair is coming in thicker. The hair on my head also feels like the texture is changing and like I'm losing some of it....I swear if I get male pattern baldness as a result of this....I'm definitely going to the Hair Club for Men.
The transition of my entire life continues. Stay tuned!!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Emotionally all over the place
So,
I have increased my dose of t to once a week instead of once every two weeks. I was super excited to speed things up now that I am out at work and most of my life knows. However, I am really feeling some major effects this week, and I'm not sure what is going on.
For one, my mood swings are at an all time high. I've got extreme highs and lows going on. And its also affecting the way I communicate with others and treat others. I flipped out on my girlfriend and my best friend within a few days of each other. And when I say flip out, I mean I did so entirely in a disrespectful and destructive manner. And I feel ashamed. And yet I don't know where it came from or why, or how to really prevent it...which is scary. My best friend told me she had never seen me act that way and she was surprised, shocked, etc..but that she understood. She was very understanding and I apologized profusely once I realized just how bad it was. Same goes for my girlfriend.
I truly feel like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. I'm relearning my own body as if it is for the first time. I'm dealing with the mood swings, acne, awkward feelings, inability to communicate effectively, all of it. And it sucks right now. It feels like it just snuck up on me. And as the week ends, I feel a lot worse. My body starts to crave the t, its like I can feel an imbalance and I need my t shot. It's not an addiction, it's more like a crave...like the way I would crave junk food when I got my period...hope that makes sense.
On the days I take my t shot, I feel high as a kite. I feel like a million bucks. But after that first day passes, the awkwardness creeps in, the insecure feelings, I really had no idea I was going to be experiencing all of this in quite this way. And then I'm trying to balance these feelings of puberty in an adult life with adult relationships and a job and its challenging. It's hard to stay in check with everyone else when I can't stay in check with myself. I feel like I'm just supposed to follow the journey and follow the path but sometimes I feel like I get so lost and I don't know where its headed for a little while....and then I somehow re-center and find my way back.
But I feel all of this up and down, lost and found on a weekly basis. And I just HOPE that as my body gets used to having these doses more frequently, I will level out. I need to. I've been so moody and so crabby and I really don't want to be.
Positive changes to note from the increase though...my voice is already dropping more :) One of my co-workers even noticed today so that made me happy. I'm getting more hair on my chest and legs. My facial hair is coming in more and filling in the patches where no hair existed. My muscles are extremely sore and tight, but I can feel them shifting somehow. My arms feel more muscular and so do my calves.
And I pass more for a guy on a daily basis overall. And it feels great. It feels nice to be noticed for who I am. :)
Now I'm still apartment hunting and need to close in on one very soon, like by this weekend. I can't wait to have my own space. I think that will definitely help me be less moody. :)
I have increased my dose of t to once a week instead of once every two weeks. I was super excited to speed things up now that I am out at work and most of my life knows. However, I am really feeling some major effects this week, and I'm not sure what is going on.
For one, my mood swings are at an all time high. I've got extreme highs and lows going on. And its also affecting the way I communicate with others and treat others. I flipped out on my girlfriend and my best friend within a few days of each other. And when I say flip out, I mean I did so entirely in a disrespectful and destructive manner. And I feel ashamed. And yet I don't know where it came from or why, or how to really prevent it...which is scary. My best friend told me she had never seen me act that way and she was surprised, shocked, etc..but that she understood. She was very understanding and I apologized profusely once I realized just how bad it was. Same goes for my girlfriend.
I truly feel like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. I'm relearning my own body as if it is for the first time. I'm dealing with the mood swings, acne, awkward feelings, inability to communicate effectively, all of it. And it sucks right now. It feels like it just snuck up on me. And as the week ends, I feel a lot worse. My body starts to crave the t, its like I can feel an imbalance and I need my t shot. It's not an addiction, it's more like a crave...like the way I would crave junk food when I got my period...hope that makes sense.
On the days I take my t shot, I feel high as a kite. I feel like a million bucks. But after that first day passes, the awkwardness creeps in, the insecure feelings, I really had no idea I was going to be experiencing all of this in quite this way. And then I'm trying to balance these feelings of puberty in an adult life with adult relationships and a job and its challenging. It's hard to stay in check with everyone else when I can't stay in check with myself. I feel like I'm just supposed to follow the journey and follow the path but sometimes I feel like I get so lost and I don't know where its headed for a little while....and then I somehow re-center and find my way back.
But I feel all of this up and down, lost and found on a weekly basis. And I just HOPE that as my body gets used to having these doses more frequently, I will level out. I need to. I've been so moody and so crabby and I really don't want to be.
Positive changes to note from the increase though...my voice is already dropping more :) One of my co-workers even noticed today so that made me happy. I'm getting more hair on my chest and legs. My facial hair is coming in more and filling in the patches where no hair existed. My muscles are extremely sore and tight, but I can feel them shifting somehow. My arms feel more muscular and so do my calves.
And I pass more for a guy on a daily basis overall. And it feels great. It feels nice to be noticed for who I am. :)
Now I'm still apartment hunting and need to close in on one very soon, like by this weekend. I can't wait to have my own space. I think that will definitely help me be less moody. :)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My weekend and some more updates
Ok,
so since I was in a bit of a funk the other day, I didn't get to go into a lot of detail about my weekend, which I would like to do now.
As I said, I had an incredible weekend and spent time with incredible people, one in particular. Her name is Rebecca and she's from the Chicagoland area. I've known her for a year and only recently did we grow closer.
She came to visit for the 4th of July and I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends of my life with her. I don't want to go into too much depth. I just want to say that I've met someone incredible and I'm very excited to see where this goes. I really wasn't looking for anyone or anything, and that is when it always seems to happen. She's incredibly comfortable with herself, with me, and SUPPORTIVE of me and who I am and this transition. And that is exactly what I need. I'm living proof that when one door closes, another opens. It all goes just the way it is supposed to. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.
I went to therapy last night and I'm starting to figure my stuff out slowly. I have started to semi-develop a plan so thats good. I think I may be heading to law school in the next year or so, which means it's time to get my ass in gear for the LSAT exam. So, I think for the time being I'll stay put in LA while studying for that and planning the rest out. I also don't want to uproot myself while still transitioning at this point. I like my "team", if you will. They are incredibly important to me.
Thank you to those of you who commented with some advice. It was much needed and I did listen. I'm trying to relax,journal, dream, and take it one step at a time.
It's so easy to get all caught up in the anxiety and the questions about what to do and how to do it. But I need to give myself more credit and have more faith in the universe and trust that everything will fall into place.
Overall, things at work are getting better. People are making the effort to use male pronouns and I call them out on it to help them. It's nice not to have to worry about my transition at work now. Being comfortable has allowed me to increase my dosage of testosterone as well so that should speed up the overall process.
I'm already exhibiting more signs. I have more facial hair, more chest hair, my voice is cracking A LOT lately. Although it's an intense process to go through, it feels totally "normal" and "natural" to me overall. Like, I'm just going through puberty to become who I've been meant to be my whole life. That part of it feels good. I've been passing as a man for the most part in my day to day life which is also great.
Emotionally though, I've had a very tough week. My most recent dose of t was on Monday and since then I've felt a surge of random emotions throughout the week. Although I have been having issues that are legit, the t has amplified my reactions to everything, which hasn't exactly been helping. But, I'm hoping increasing my dose will help speed things up and may possibly help me get off the rollercoaster I'm on. My body literally starts to crave the testosterone after a week or so, it's so weird.
My mom is going to be coming to LA in 3 weeks or so to help me find an apartment. I'm nervous about how she is going to react to me because I think I look significantly different than I used to. Should be interesting....I'll be sure to blog on that when it occurs.
That's about it for now.
so since I was in a bit of a funk the other day, I didn't get to go into a lot of detail about my weekend, which I would like to do now.
As I said, I had an incredible weekend and spent time with incredible people, one in particular. Her name is Rebecca and she's from the Chicagoland area. I've known her for a year and only recently did we grow closer.
She came to visit for the 4th of July and I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends of my life with her. I don't want to go into too much depth. I just want to say that I've met someone incredible and I'm very excited to see where this goes. I really wasn't looking for anyone or anything, and that is when it always seems to happen. She's incredibly comfortable with herself, with me, and SUPPORTIVE of me and who I am and this transition. And that is exactly what I need. I'm living proof that when one door closes, another opens. It all goes just the way it is supposed to. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.
I went to therapy last night and I'm starting to figure my stuff out slowly. I have started to semi-develop a plan so thats good. I think I may be heading to law school in the next year or so, which means it's time to get my ass in gear for the LSAT exam. So, I think for the time being I'll stay put in LA while studying for that and planning the rest out. I also don't want to uproot myself while still transitioning at this point. I like my "team", if you will. They are incredibly important to me.
Thank you to those of you who commented with some advice. It was much needed and I did listen. I'm trying to relax,journal, dream, and take it one step at a time.
It's so easy to get all caught up in the anxiety and the questions about what to do and how to do it. But I need to give myself more credit and have more faith in the universe and trust that everything will fall into place.
Overall, things at work are getting better. People are making the effort to use male pronouns and I call them out on it to help them. It's nice not to have to worry about my transition at work now. Being comfortable has allowed me to increase my dosage of testosterone as well so that should speed up the overall process.
I'm already exhibiting more signs. I have more facial hair, more chest hair, my voice is cracking A LOT lately. Although it's an intense process to go through, it feels totally "normal" and "natural" to me overall. Like, I'm just going through puberty to become who I've been meant to be my whole life. That part of it feels good. I've been passing as a man for the most part in my day to day life which is also great.
Emotionally though, I've had a very tough week. My most recent dose of t was on Monday and since then I've felt a surge of random emotions throughout the week. Although I have been having issues that are legit, the t has amplified my reactions to everything, which hasn't exactly been helping. But, I'm hoping increasing my dose will help speed things up and may possibly help me get off the rollercoaster I'm on. My body literally starts to crave the testosterone after a week or so, it's so weird.
My mom is going to be coming to LA in 3 weeks or so to help me find an apartment. I'm nervous about how she is going to react to me because I think I look significantly different than I used to. Should be interesting....I'll be sure to blog on that when it occurs.
That's about it for now.
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