Sorry it's been so long

Sorry it has been so long since my last update.

Since my last update, I helped move my mother out of her house, started studying with two tutors for the LSAT.

I'm hoping to pick up the guitar in the next month or so as well. I'm hoping to treat myself to that as a reward for studying hard :)

So, the short and the skinny on me and my transition..

well, these last few weeks I don't think I've seen much physical change within me. The only change that I continue to see and that is really bothering me is my voice dropping, only it doesn't just drop. It gets squeaky and awkward, sometimes raspy, and is making it very very difficult to sing, which is depressing me. I used to have a pretty good female voice and I always used to sing, for fun, to relieve stress, whatever. And now that I can't really sing without a struggle, I need to find a new outlet, which is why I'm looking into playing the guitar.

I mostly pass in public these days for a guy and the voice is definitely helping that.


I just wish I could cut my boobs off already. I wish there weren't requirements about when and how to have surgery. But I know it's in my best interest to wait so that I can lose weight and be on hormones for a year and be sure it's what I want to do.

But I'm telling you, some days they really get to me, especially in the summer and when it's warm out.

I long for the day I can walk anywhere, anytime, without a shirt on and have a male chest.

Oh, and I should mention, that because my boobs are so big, I wear an uncomfortable binder everyday, and that is getting old. Even with it on, my boobs still look kind of obvious in some shirts, so I also try to leave my face scruffy and with a shadow so that I pass more easily.

The other day though, I shaved my face and then I went to the grocery store and the cashier called me ma'am.....And it was like I went into shock...I've been called "HE" so often that to hear a stranger call me she was so weird. I corrected him and said "HE", so I guess now he thinks I'm a gay guy, which most people think anyway.

And, I'm one step closer to telling the rest of my family (that I don't really talk to) about my transition..

I called my father today and he asked what was wrong with me and my voice. He said I sounded like I had a cold. I told him that it was possible I did and then I attempted to make a plan to meet up with him.

I'm not close to him in the least, but I do believe that when revealing any kind of big news, it's best to do it in person. So, that's what I'm going to do.

And with the other members of my family, well, my mother has committed me to attending Rosh Hashanah with them (jewish new year), and that is next week Tuesday. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going, but if I do, then it will all come out there. I feel like once they see me it will be obvious because they haven't seen me in a year or so.

But, I do have to say, that I have caught up with some old friends and I got mixed reactions. Some could totally tell I was a boy now, and others said I hadn't changed at all. I think its interesting that the reactions are on both sides of the spectrum rather than bunched up in the middle.

I got to talk with my friend Brittany's mom and that was an interesting conversation. She told me that she wasn't surprised at me transitioning in the least and she's very supportive. She told me when I was little and played house with Brittany, I always wanted to be the Dad or the dog. I guess I chose the dog because the dog could be seen as gender neutral....lol oy

And when I've gotten to sit down with a woman who has been like a mother to me, Wendy, I've also received interesting feedback. She pushes me emotionally to challenge myself, my inner being, the "depth" of me, my emotions, etc. Her report that is some of the issues I have are very "male"..in that I'm stubborn, sometimes controlling, that kind of stuff.

Another thing I seem to be struggling with is the ability to cry, and my doctor says that could definitely be from the testosterone.

I used to be able to cry when something really upset me. The tears would just come, I'd cry, and then I'd feel a release.

These days I need to have a good cry, maybe even for no good reason at all, but the tears just don't come.

I've had a few reasons to cry really hard and nothing happens. It's like I feel upset, but not as much as I used to, and not enough to cry in the least. And sometimes when I am upset, I try to push myself to cry, and still nothing happens.

I'm one of the most sensitive people on this Earth, so for me to struggle with crying is so confusing. In some ways, I'm glad I don't cry so easily, but I still want the ability to cry. And I don't really know how I go about fixing that one. I guess I'll just have to hope that I'm still adjusting and transitioning, and that I will level out.

In addition to that, I might also mention that I think about sex A LOT more than I ever used to. It's kind of like I can't help it sometimes..and that is really weird to deal with also.

Ok, and now for my favorite thing to share with you all...

So my sister has been really good at teaching her kids (Hannah and Jordan, my niece and nephew) to call me "Jamie" and "He". Well, Hannah is still learning HOW to speak in general. So we've been trying to teach her my name, having her sound it out, whatever it takes. She hadn't really been calling me much of anything. And when I went there the other day, Pam said "Who's that Hannah?" and pointed to me, and Hannah said "Guy". At first I thought it was a fluke, I mean I laughed my ass off, but I thought she was just confused, like maybe she was pointing out A GUY vs. A GIRL, no no.
She calls me GUY every time I see her, and I think she thinks she is saying Jamie. It's hilarious, and ironic.

I will try to post some videos tomorrow so you can see just how beautiful I am these days :)