thoughts

In everyday life, I tend to feel lost

Trying to find the I the ME the We

Riding this roller coaster is one heavy burden

but i think about what I am going to see when I get off of the ride

The other part of me that I have waited so long for.

But there are those times on the ride that make me queasy, make me dizzy with worry, anxiety

and all I can do is hang on tight

no one else is on the ride with me, I have only myself

I can wave to the other people who can see me from a distance on the ride

they smile, wave, cheer me on, but that is all they can do

they can't take away the intensity, the feelings that the ride brings

they offer their support in all the ways they can, but its from a distance.

I'm unreachable, untouchable, unable to communicate from where I am.

I have only me.

And its scary.


I'm learning and understanding myself in a whole new way. I have to take apart everything that I was and rebuild anew. I need to rebuild the inside and the outside of me.

I've learned so much already in such a short period of time. I'm learning what makes me tick, what I really want in life, what I'm capable of achieving, the way my mind works, the issues I have and where they come from, and most importantly, how to confront everything that hasn't been confronted already.


I like that I can sense the wheels turning and the forward motion of my progress. I like that I am pushing myself to search, to question, to resolve, to forgive. I am slowly chipping away at the "rock" that has lived within me my whole life, that still pile of "stuff" that I just kept storing and didn't want to face or deal with.

It's like I opened the door half way to pull out my gender issues and to start transitioning, and so it would only make sense that the rest of the stuff hidden behind a half open door would begin to fall out.

My first reaction was to try to stuff it back inside, but, a part of me sensed it was time to begin sorting and dealing and discovering.

As I start to look at all of the stuff, I realize I don't know what half of it is or where it came from, I only know I didn't want to deal with it and didn't know how to throw it out so I just stored it.

And now I'm taking my time, sorting through it all, piece by piece. And I feel a sense of relief that I'm finally facing it all. It feels better to struggle in facing it all then to continue to just let it all sit there in a bunched up pile.

I'm awake and conscious, feeling everything entirely, for the first time ever in my life. I am putting bad habits of anger, resentment, stubbornness, and denial aside in order to get to the root of myself. I'm instead trying to focus on all of the good, the goals I want to achieve, and setting a path to get there.

And it's about time. :)