a little down

I've just been trying to stay busy by studying my ass off for my exam. I'm not even sure that I'm going to be ready to take it. Even after all of this preparation, I'm considering postponing it. I really don't want to, so we'll just see what happens as I get closer to the exam.

Some good news though... I went with my mother and my sister to get a pedicure and a manicure ( I like to be a well-groomed gentleman :P ). We went to a place where my mom is well known. I had never been there before and my mom introduced me as her son and used male pronouns the entire time I was there. This was a huge accomplishment. I hope she is finally turning the corner and getting to a point where she won't revert back to her old ways.

My facial hair is a little less "spotty" these days. It's starting to fill in. And my eyebrows look like "man" brows now. I used to have incredibly girly, arched eyebrows, so it's been a process to get them to where they are today. I have a great esthetician who I have been seeing since I was 12. Her name is Marina and she is very accepting of me so thats comforting as well.

I've also started working out more and I can already tell a difference in my body. Literally the shape of my entire body is changing. I can totally tell that my hips are different for sure. It's so strange, but I just look in the mirror and I look different all over. My tshirts are even fitting me differently. I know part of this is due to weight loss, but some of it is also due to the T I think.

The dose of T that I inject myself got doubled, but now I do it less frequently. I used to give myself .5 cc every week. Now I give myself 1 cc every three weeks. I felt a huge surge in energy and spirit after the injection, now it's starting to wear off a little more. I also use the gel that rubs into my skin daily and that seems to help.

But as I get further into the transition, my moods are just a nightmare. I am so up and so down and I really wish that would level out some more. I do have stress in life that is also adding to the pile, but, it's still a lot to deal with even when nothing is going on.

This round of puberty is much worse than my first one. I know I'm going through it for a good reason and for the end result that I'm looking forward to, but being in the actual transition right now and dealing with all of this weighs on me.

I am just so moody, most of the time, for no good reason at all. And I find the people around me at a loss for how to deal with me sometimes. I think it really is hard for people to grasp that I am an adult going through puberty and that some of this just cannot be helped. It truly is physiological in nature. I'm doing my part to cope with it, therapy, writing, reading, talking, exercise, and even with my best foot forward, it can still sometimes get in the way.

That would be my biggest complaint of the transition overall. I don't like feeling awkward randomly, losing my words, feeling insecure for no good reason, but I think if I can just learn to accept it all for now and not be so hard on myself, that that may help it ease up a bit. As mentioned before, I am a harsh self critic. Aren't we all though?

That's the scoop for now.