Day in Day Out

It is clearly time for me to do my shot again today. I can always feel it a few days before. I become more moody than usual, my body cramps more, and overall I just feel kind of icky. It feels like withdrawal from a drug in some senses. I'm not too happy about it, but it's what I have to go through to complete my transition.
My shots used to be once a week, so I'd feel the effects every four days or so. Now that my shot is once every three weeks but it's a larger dose, I only have to deal with the feelings of withdrawal once every 2 and half weeks, which is better.
It's just amazing how much more I have to be conscious about everything I do in general because of this transition.
If I don't eat enough protein each day, my body also feels icky. It like craves protein and it seems that the more protein I eat and the more water I drink, the more manageable my moods and my cramps are.
When I'm moody for no reason, I feel the need to isolate myself so that I can just deal and not take my feelings out on anyone else. Sometimes that part of it is really lonely. I have all of these thoughts and feelings that are a direct result of the shots and it's hard to break it down and explain it to people. When I tell people I'm really going through puberty again, I feel like they just don't get it and can't get it.
When we all went through puberty the first time, we had to just deal with it the best we could at the time. We didn't know what was coming, we had never experienced it before, but at least we were all going through it at the same time.

It is a much different experience to go through it again and to do it at 25, knowing what already came before and what's to come. It's sometimes hard for me to function in the 25 year old world with all of these thoughts and feelings within me that make me feel 12. And I think it's hard for those around me to understand. They try, but really they just think I'm choosing to act young. I do my best to control the moodiness, the temper tantrums I have, the awkwardness, but I'm realizing some it is just beyond my control.

I have days I just want to be alone. I have days when I need lots of attention. I have days when I see a pretty girl and I blush and lose my words. The worst part is feeling insecure. It's very strange and new feeling for me. I've never been known to be a person that was insecure. I believe in myself. I'm outgoing, social, a public speaker, have friends from all walks of life, know how to relate to people, never had a problem meeting people to date. And now I have some new personna currently that has been created by these feelings of insecurity. I question everything in a way I never have before, and it is making me crazy. I don't know what to do with this feeling or how to get rid of it. And then on top of everything, I feel like I never know what mood is coming my way.

I kind of feel like I have no idea how I'm going to be day to day.
I don't like to wake up and be in a bad mood for the day, but sometimes it happens. And it's hard for me to admit I don't have control over some of this because I am such a believer that people have such power and control over their lives. I am such a strong believer in people taking action to correct what they don't like in life. I can't stand people who play the victim or who feel powerless, because we each have so much power within us. So for me to feel like I have so much power and then to feel powerless some days is rather defeating. I feel like a walking contradiction.

My doctors reassure me though that this is normal and that I just need to do the best I can to cope with the rollercoaster I'm on because it will get better and it will get easier. I just don't know when exactly.

The only thing constant about me that remains constant is my desire to have sex. No matter what kind of mood I'm in or how I'm feeling emotionally, I'm always wanting to have sex. Sometimes that can be exciting, but somedays it's a nightmare. It can be a real nuisance. I was a pretty sexual person before I started transitioning, I wouldn't say that I needed anything to added to that side of things. And now I feel like my sex drive has quadrupled, if that was even possible.

So, this is a lot to put myself through, I realize, as I reflect and reread this blog to myself. But, it's worth it to me. I'm still achieving the results I am after and in some other ways, I'm feeling a lot better about myself.

Some feelings of insecurity that I used to have are now gone. I didn't enjoy being perceived as a butch lesbian. I wasn't ashamed of it, it just didn't match how I feel about myself and who I really am. Now that I'm perceived as a male on a day to day basis, I am more relaxed, more calm, and at ease. That part feels great. Getting checked out by people as a male feels great also. I think I'll end it on that positive note :)