I had a pretty big week this past week. On Thursday, I went and publicly spoke to a highschool in Manhattan Beach, California on "Transgender Awareness" with a friend of mine. We spoke to roughly 1500 highschoolers, in three separate sessions.
It was amazing. I went in not too sure how we would be received or how to connect with this type of audience. It was compromised of students ranging from freshman to senior, and with a huge group like that, it's tough to create a "safe space" where these kinds of issues can be talked about openly. But we managed to pull it off. They were incredibly receptive, they loved hearing our personal stories, our journies. It really could not have gone any better than it did. We had a lot of people come up to us after we were done speaking and let us know just how much they learned and how we impacted them. It makes me feel so good and so on top of the world when I have the chance to speak to people in that manner. It was really just so incredible. And it is so rare that a highschool would bring in Trans speakers just for transgender awareness. Usually, I'm brought in with gay, lesbian, and bisexual speakers and we cover all of the issues together. It was really nice to have the floor to only address the trans issues. And we got really really great feedback from the staff, and that was also important to me. I feel very proud of the job I did that day.
So after that, Friday, I headed down to San Diego for the Transgender Summit, which was also a good experience. I went with my best friend and her trans boyfriend which was also very nice. It was good to have their support and their company.
I attended workshops and such about all different issues surrounding the Transgender community. I got to hear from some interesting speakers, especially the really politically active ones that I have so much respect for. I got to hear a "state of the union" address on trans issues which was very enlightening. It really inspired me to want to become more involved politically and socially in the Trans Movement.
It was nice to meet up with other Trans community members as well and to do some networking.
I met with two trans women after one of the seminars they gave on "Trans and Media". They have their own podcast on itunes, and they have a dedicated audience. I spoke with them about getting my own podcast started, and they told me they would help me promote it and that we could work with each other. And that was very exciting. To start a podcast though will take a lot of work and energy and time. So, before I just jump into it, I want to map out what I think the podcast would entail, what it would address, and what I'd want people to get out of it. So, if any of you have any ideas regarding that, please send me an email. I'm open.
So, now we are into the new week. And things with the family are a little stressful at the moment, well not the entire family, but a few choice members.
Recently, I've had more contact with my extended family on both sides, mostly cousins reaching out to me and letting me know how much they support me. It really has made such an impact on me. It means so much when extended, lost, family members reach out in general, but when they make an effort to contact me and write me lengthy emails telling me that they support my transition, that is just overwhelming and awesome. That kind of support couldn't have come at a better time.
I'm still dealing with the issues surrounding attending my cousin's wedding in Miami, Florida. I'm very nervous about it. I will be seeing so many people that haven't seen me in years, people who have no idea I'm transitioning, and unfortunately, I don't think most of them will be supportive. Things with my mom aren't going very well, so I can't really rely on her as a source of support, so basically, the only support I have is my sister and brother-in-law. So, knowing this, I emailed my cousin and asked her if I was invited to her wedding with a date, or if I could be. I explained that it would really mean a lot to me and why I would need support. And unfortunately, my request was rejected. At first, my cousin explained it as she needed to be fair and that my other cousins as well as other guests weren't invited with dates. But then she threw in that some of my cousins may show up with dates. So, I got confused. I was being honest and up front about wanting to bring a date, and she left me with the impression that I shouldn't have been honest and up front, and then it would have been ok. There is some kind of double standard going on here clearly. My cousin was either lying about the fact that other people weren't invited with dates, or she was saying to me without saying it directly that it's ok for other people to bring dates, but not me. She also went on to say that she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and that if I was only attending the wedding so that her feelings wouldnt' be hurt, that she would understand if it was too much for me and I didn't want to go. I honestly couldn't tell though, if she was trying to be sincere and sensitive to my feelings, or if this was her way of telling me she didn't want me at her wedding under the radar. Well, needless to say, after this conversation, I was crushed. I am at a loss to understand why exactly I am treated this way.
My first thought was not to attend the wedding at all because clearly, there is some issue about me being a man now. But my second thought was that I want to attend the wedding. I do not want my family to think that I am in any way, ashamed of who I am and that I will back down any time I face resistance. So, I've decided I'm still going to attend this wedding. I'm sure it will be a challenge, I'm sure it will be hard, but in my gut, I feel it is the right thing to do.
This is also an opportunity for me to spend some time with my sister, my neice and nephew, who I adore, and I don't know when I will see them next now that we live so far away.
I'm definitely trying to be the bigger person in this situation, and I'm pushing my own limits. But I don't want to look back on this and regret not going to the wedding, and I think I would regret not going more than just attending.
What is fantastic about all of this though is that when I have been upset this past week, I have had a lot of support. My best friends were able to counsel me, console me, listen to me, and help me deal. I really appreciate them for that. I have a hard time being vulnerable, but when I am, these people really know how to take care of me and that's really important to me. I'd say that my best friends are the family I've always wanted but never had until now. They are who have my back in life more so than anyone else (besides my sister).
In terms of the transition physically, I think I'm hitting another awkward phase with my voice. I'm having difficulty singing again and the higher notes that I used to be able to hear are disappearing at a very quick rate, which I am not happy about. My voice is cracking a lot when I speak. I do talk a lot at work, I'm on the phone or dealing with customers most of the day, so it could be that I'm losing my voice, but I think it's also in combination with my voice dropping again.
I'm still experiencing "growing pains" in my legs and arms. Sometimes they keep me up at night. I just feel restless and can't get rid of the "ache" I feel.
I'm trying to stretch as much as possible, but even when I go to stretch, I get muscle spasms everywhere. I just need to keep eating bananas and keep my potassium levels up, that seems to help.
Those are the updates. I'll be sure to post a video soon.
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