Clearly it's been a little while since I've posted and a lot has happened since my last post.
For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.
Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.
I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.
One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.
One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.
I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.
That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.
I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)
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6 comments:
Hey Jamie. You are looking handsome these days. :) My name's Jon. I'm a queer guy (mostly gay). Although I'm primarily interested in cis-gendered men, every once in a while I'll find trans guys super attractive (whether I know they're trans or not). Last weekend I met a beautiful trans boy. I'm head-over-heels in love. He used to be a radical lesbian feminist and is now gay and male-identified. I've read a lot of Queer theory and post-feminist / transgender theory stuff; I have a real affinity for it all. But even so, I wasn't sure why a former radical lesbian was now a gay man. I've been looking into this partly because I feel a little bit confused as to my attraction for this FTM friend. One interesting book I found was called Self-made Men which is all about FTMs indicates that some FTMs come out first as lesbians and then after they transition want to still be read as gay/queer and to feel accepted in the lgbt community and so they change their object of sexual preference. But how does one just do that?! I'm sorry for this long post but I'm really just trying to figure all these things out. I love lesbians and trans people and often feel most comfortable with them over most of my other friends. If you have any insight you'd like to share, please do. I wish you the best with your transition. Thanks for sharing your experience. :) -Jon
P.S. I forgot to mention this before but interestingly enough, my crush on this FTM guy really makes me feel like the possible has become possible; that is, that I can actually be in a relationship with a straight man. This trans guy is like a pretty butch gay guy... he could pass as straight, but he identifies as gay and is proud of it. There's something extremely appealing there. That might just add another layer of complexity to everything but I felt it was too important to leave out. And also, how should I as a "gay" guy approach trying to date a trans guy? I still have to get to know him better (clearly I'm just at the head-over-heels-up-in-mars phase at this point). In addition, he didn't tell me he was trans. I heard from other queer friends at that party. So should I pretend I don't know the next time we hang out or when we go on a date? Ahhh!! I'd be very curious and appreciative to hear your musings on my current crush. Thanks for your time Jamie! Lots of queer love. :)
Well, first of all, thanks for taking time to read my blog.
I'm excited to hear about your recent love interest with an FTM! I think it's great!
As for your questions...I can only speak for myself but I don't know how I would go about changing my object of sexual preference. I don't know that anyone can just change that. What I can tell you is that I have become more attracted to men after starting my transition and I also used to be a hardcore, lesbian feminist. I don't know why I became more attracted to men, I'm still trying to figure it out.
And as for your approach to knowing that your love interest is trans, I guess my best advice is go to with your instincts. Some trans people do not like when other people know they are trans. They choose to just be perceived as a regular male like everyone else. Some, like me, don't mind if others know they are trans. So I guess if and when you go on a date, you'll have to play it by ear. I'd be yourself, treat him like you would any other guy, and see if him being trans comes up or needs to come up. Best of luck!
I'm glad to hear that your dad responded well, and hope that the situation improves with your mom.
As far as the orientation goes, yeah, it can be somewhat disorienting (no pun intended) but the way I see it, don't worry. You like who you like. Easier said than done, though, eh? :)
Jamie, thanks so much for your advice! It looks like we're going to hang out this weekend. I'll keep you posted. And by the way, you're very welcome (about me taking the time to read your blog). It's my pleasure. You're a very awesome person and I wish I knew you in real life. Keep on rocking people's worlds but most importantly, keep on being you! :) As cliche as this might sound: ::several octaves lower:: "I'll be back." ;)
Jamie,
I just happened to come upon your blog,I can't deny that there was an initial shock factor, but I have now stabilized. I have to say I think it is very courageous of you to step out and blog about your current expereince, I'm sure it is a great help and support for many trans people out there as well as for those people curious about this journey. Your honesty is inspiring!
Helen Kobrin
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