And it's over

I finally took my LSAT exam last week Saturday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but we will just have to wait and see how I did. I think I may take it one more time before I apply to law school, so it's now looking like I won't be attending law school in the fall of 2009. So, now I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life in the meantime. But I'm happy for now that I took the exam and that I'm done studying for now. I need the break.

And now I need to start looking for jobs. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach looking for a job. I know I pass completely for a male, so when I apply this time around, I think I will have an easier time finding a job vs. when I was applying as a butch lesbian. However, when the job asks for back up documentation like my driver's license,birth certificate or my passport, I'm going to have to out myself, which sucks. My driver's license says I'm male, but the birth certificate and passport say female. And I'm scared of losing potential job opportunities because I'm going to have to out myself. But then on the other hand, I'm thinking that I'd probably out myself anyhow. I don't think I'm one of the transmen in the world who want to remain anonymous and have the world think that I am a bio boy (biological). I'm proud of the fact that I am a transman, and the fact that I was a woman first is an important part of me, my identity, and where I came from. So, maybe it's a blessing as much as it is a curse. I guess I'll find out after I start applying for jobs and I see how it goes.

I don't really want to talk about it in depth, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Rebecca and I did break up about a month ago. So, that is something else that I have also been dealing with.

As for the transition, things are still going pretty much the same way they were. I took my t shot and my body is feeling better now. I tend to get more muscle cramps after the injection, but my moods level out more after that. I mean, I'm still moody,sensitive, hard to deal with at times, but the high highs and the low lows are less extreme when I've had my shot. The feelings of insecurity still remain though, no matter where I am on my t shot schedule. I still have random moments that come from out of the blue. I just feel insecure in my own skin. I think it's partly because I am transitioning, I'm changing and doing things to my being and I'm just not where I want to be yet. And the hardest part of that is feeling in between. And that's where I am at. I am a man with female genitalia and that is sometimes really hard to cope with.

It is especially challenging when it comes to meeting potential people I would date. I don't quite know the right way to address where I am at. I don't really feel it's necessary to introduce myself to people and then tell them right off the bat about my genitalia. On the other hand, I think it's important for people I would potentially date to know who I am and what I'm about before getting involved. I would want to know what I was getting into if roles were reversed. This is something that will be a work in progress and I'll just have to take it as it comes. I haven't had any trouble meeting anyone to date yet, but I fear that I will.


Last update-I've been working out a few times a week and I'm seeing my muscles grow and develop right before my eyes, which is pretty cool. It takes no time at all to see my biceps get bigger, which is awesome and very motivating. I need to lose a lot of weight in order to have top surgery go the way I want it to, so it's important that I continue to work out. I am not eligible to have top surgery until I have been on hormones for at least a year. And the year mark is coming up in April, which is crazy. Time has begun to really fly.



Those are all of the updates for now!