Sorry it has been so long since my last update.
Since my last update, I helped move my mother out of her house, started studying with two tutors for the LSAT.
I'm hoping to pick up the guitar in the next month or so as well. I'm hoping to treat myself to that as a reward for studying hard :)
So, the short and the skinny on me and my transition..
well, these last few weeks I don't think I've seen much physical change within me. The only change that I continue to see and that is really bothering me is my voice dropping, only it doesn't just drop. It gets squeaky and awkward, sometimes raspy, and is making it very very difficult to sing, which is depressing me. I used to have a pretty good female voice and I always used to sing, for fun, to relieve stress, whatever. And now that I can't really sing without a struggle, I need to find a new outlet, which is why I'm looking into playing the guitar.
I mostly pass in public these days for a guy and the voice is definitely helping that.
I just wish I could cut my boobs off already. I wish there weren't requirements about when and how to have surgery. But I know it's in my best interest to wait so that I can lose weight and be on hormones for a year and be sure it's what I want to do.
But I'm telling you, some days they really get to me, especially in the summer and when it's warm out.
I long for the day I can walk anywhere, anytime, without a shirt on and have a male chest.
Oh, and I should mention, that because my boobs are so big, I wear an uncomfortable binder everyday, and that is getting old. Even with it on, my boobs still look kind of obvious in some shirts, so I also try to leave my face scruffy and with a shadow so that I pass more easily.
The other day though, I shaved my face and then I went to the grocery store and the cashier called me ma'am.....And it was like I went into shock...I've been called "HE" so often that to hear a stranger call me she was so weird. I corrected him and said "HE", so I guess now he thinks I'm a gay guy, which most people think anyway.
And, I'm one step closer to telling the rest of my family (that I don't really talk to) about my transition..
I called my father today and he asked what was wrong with me and my voice. He said I sounded like I had a cold. I told him that it was possible I did and then I attempted to make a plan to meet up with him.
I'm not close to him in the least, but I do believe that when revealing any kind of big news, it's best to do it in person. So, that's what I'm going to do.
And with the other members of my family, well, my mother has committed me to attending Rosh Hashanah with them (jewish new year), and that is next week Tuesday. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going, but if I do, then it will all come out there. I feel like once they see me it will be obvious because they haven't seen me in a year or so.
But, I do have to say, that I have caught up with some old friends and I got mixed reactions. Some could totally tell I was a boy now, and others said I hadn't changed at all. I think its interesting that the reactions are on both sides of the spectrum rather than bunched up in the middle.
I got to talk with my friend Brittany's mom and that was an interesting conversation. She told me that she wasn't surprised at me transitioning in the least and she's very supportive. She told me when I was little and played house with Brittany, I always wanted to be the Dad or the dog. I guess I chose the dog because the dog could be seen as gender neutral....lol oy
And when I've gotten to sit down with a woman who has been like a mother to me, Wendy, I've also received interesting feedback. She pushes me emotionally to challenge myself, my inner being, the "depth" of me, my emotions, etc. Her report that is some of the issues I have are very "male"..in that I'm stubborn, sometimes controlling, that kind of stuff.
Another thing I seem to be struggling with is the ability to cry, and my doctor says that could definitely be from the testosterone.
I used to be able to cry when something really upset me. The tears would just come, I'd cry, and then I'd feel a release.
These days I need to have a good cry, maybe even for no good reason at all, but the tears just don't come.
I've had a few reasons to cry really hard and nothing happens. It's like I feel upset, but not as much as I used to, and not enough to cry in the least. And sometimes when I am upset, I try to push myself to cry, and still nothing happens.
I'm one of the most sensitive people on this Earth, so for me to struggle with crying is so confusing. In some ways, I'm glad I don't cry so easily, but I still want the ability to cry. And I don't really know how I go about fixing that one. I guess I'll just have to hope that I'm still adjusting and transitioning, and that I will level out.
In addition to that, I might also mention that I think about sex A LOT more than I ever used to. It's kind of like I can't help it sometimes..and that is really weird to deal with also.
Ok, and now for my favorite thing to share with you all...
So my sister has been really good at teaching her kids (Hannah and Jordan, my niece and nephew) to call me "Jamie" and "He". Well, Hannah is still learning HOW to speak in general. So we've been trying to teach her my name, having her sound it out, whatever it takes. She hadn't really been calling me much of anything. And when I went there the other day, Pam said "Who's that Hannah?" and pointed to me, and Hannah said "Guy". At first I thought it was a fluke, I mean I laughed my ass off, but I thought she was just confused, like maybe she was pointing out A GUY vs. A GIRL, no no.
She calls me GUY every time I see her, and I think she thinks she is saying Jamie. It's hilarious, and ironic.
I will try to post some videos tomorrow so you can see just how beautiful I am these days :)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
thoughts
In everyday life, I tend to feel lost
Trying to find the I the ME the We
Riding this roller coaster is one heavy burden
but i think about what I am going to see when I get off of the ride
The other part of me that I have waited so long for.
But there are those times on the ride that make me queasy, make me dizzy with worry, anxiety
and all I can do is hang on tight
no one else is on the ride with me, I have only myself
I can wave to the other people who can see me from a distance on the ride
they smile, wave, cheer me on, but that is all they can do
they can't take away the intensity, the feelings that the ride brings
they offer their support in all the ways they can, but its from a distance.
I'm unreachable, untouchable, unable to communicate from where I am.
I have only me.
And its scary.
I'm learning and understanding myself in a whole new way. I have to take apart everything that I was and rebuild anew. I need to rebuild the inside and the outside of me.
I've learned so much already in such a short period of time. I'm learning what makes me tick, what I really want in life, what I'm capable of achieving, the way my mind works, the issues I have and where they come from, and most importantly, how to confront everything that hasn't been confronted already.
I like that I can sense the wheels turning and the forward motion of my progress. I like that I am pushing myself to search, to question, to resolve, to forgive. I am slowly chipping away at the "rock" that has lived within me my whole life, that still pile of "stuff" that I just kept storing and didn't want to face or deal with.
It's like I opened the door half way to pull out my gender issues and to start transitioning, and so it would only make sense that the rest of the stuff hidden behind a half open door would begin to fall out.
My first reaction was to try to stuff it back inside, but, a part of me sensed it was time to begin sorting and dealing and discovering.
As I start to look at all of the stuff, I realize I don't know what half of it is or where it came from, I only know I didn't want to deal with it and didn't know how to throw it out so I just stored it.
And now I'm taking my time, sorting through it all, piece by piece. And I feel a sense of relief that I'm finally facing it all. It feels better to struggle in facing it all then to continue to just let it all sit there in a bunched up pile.
I'm awake and conscious, feeling everything entirely, for the first time ever in my life. I am putting bad habits of anger, resentment, stubbornness, and denial aside in order to get to the root of myself. I'm instead trying to focus on all of the good, the goals I want to achieve, and setting a path to get there.
And it's about time. :)
Trying to find the I the ME the We
Riding this roller coaster is one heavy burden
but i think about what I am going to see when I get off of the ride
The other part of me that I have waited so long for.
But there are those times on the ride that make me queasy, make me dizzy with worry, anxiety
and all I can do is hang on tight
no one else is on the ride with me, I have only myself
I can wave to the other people who can see me from a distance on the ride
they smile, wave, cheer me on, but that is all they can do
they can't take away the intensity, the feelings that the ride brings
they offer their support in all the ways they can, but its from a distance.
I'm unreachable, untouchable, unable to communicate from where I am.
I have only me.
And its scary.
I'm learning and understanding myself in a whole new way. I have to take apart everything that I was and rebuild anew. I need to rebuild the inside and the outside of me.
I've learned so much already in such a short period of time. I'm learning what makes me tick, what I really want in life, what I'm capable of achieving, the way my mind works, the issues I have and where they come from, and most importantly, how to confront everything that hasn't been confronted already.
I like that I can sense the wheels turning and the forward motion of my progress. I like that I am pushing myself to search, to question, to resolve, to forgive. I am slowly chipping away at the "rock" that has lived within me my whole life, that still pile of "stuff" that I just kept storing and didn't want to face or deal with.
It's like I opened the door half way to pull out my gender issues and to start transitioning, and so it would only make sense that the rest of the stuff hidden behind a half open door would begin to fall out.
My first reaction was to try to stuff it back inside, but, a part of me sensed it was time to begin sorting and dealing and discovering.
As I start to look at all of the stuff, I realize I don't know what half of it is or where it came from, I only know I didn't want to deal with it and didn't know how to throw it out so I just stored it.
And now I'm taking my time, sorting through it all, piece by piece. And I feel a sense of relief that I'm finally facing it all. It feels better to struggle in facing it all then to continue to just let it all sit there in a bunched up pile.
I'm awake and conscious, feeling everything entirely, for the first time ever in my life. I am putting bad habits of anger, resentment, stubbornness, and denial aside in order to get to the root of myself. I'm instead trying to focus on all of the good, the goals I want to achieve, and setting a path to get there.
And it's about time. :)
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Chiropractor
Ok,
so while I'm on this kick to overall health and wellness, my girlfriend suggested that I go to the chiropractor with her last week, Friday. She called ahead to get us both in.
I was nervous to have to come out to yet another medical professional, especially one that was located in Suburbia and not affiliated with a well known hospital or anything. I was scared that they would have a negative reaction to me.
I knew I had to come out to them though if I wanted treatment because my medical insurance still says that I'm female, so in order to process the claims, I would have to be upfront.
And so I was. And they really handled it very well I think. The chiropractor's wife was the receptionist/office manager and was really great. She called me "he" from the beginning and so did the rest of her employees and they did so without reservation or judgment which was very nice.
When I had my actual exam with the chiro himself, I told him on his own and in a very matter of fact way. I could sense he was uncomfortable, but handled it well also. HE continued with my exam and treatment plan and still continued to make small talk.
I think he may have been taken aback because he never would have guessed I was born female. I had a full five o clock shadow the day I saw him last week.
Then I went back to the chiro again today. And today, I had a massage with a massage therapist named Jaime. We talked about how she spelled hers JAIME and I spell mine JAMIE. She said, "Well, of course you spell yours that way, you are a boy silly!" And I was happy she saw me as a boy, but I also knew in that moment she had no idea I was trans.
I had to get undressed for my massage, and I decided to just leave on my boxers. I laid face down on the table, and then she came in and we started.
As she began the massage, she ran her hand across the middle of my back where there was an indentation from my sports bra and she said, "Were you laying on something that left a mark in your back?" I was like, "yeah". I knew I was going to have to tell her about me, especially if I ended up getting a full body massage later (I was only having my back and hip worked on today).
The massage continued and she asked me about my girlfriend and how we met, if I thought she was the one, if I wanted children, the typical get to know you questions. And she was telling me not to get Rebecca pregnant unless I was sure I wanted to have children, and that I'm lucky we have had no accidents yet, things like that.
We had a very easy going, flowing conversation. She answered the questions for me as well.
She was working on my back and telling me I was going to have to flip over so she could work on my hip more. And that is when I got really nervous. She would be looking for a flat chest and a bulge in my boxers that I didn't have. But she said she'd be working on my back for a while so we would get to the hip later.
Then as the conversation continued, she kept bringing up her gay guy friends, about how one of them was in denial for a long time, he finally came out and was comfortable with himself, how she knows a gay couple in Madison, etc.
And she's doing this assuming I'm a heterosexual, biological male.
I've had many people do this before. And I know it's because I come off as a gay guy to most people. I do have feminine qualities and I'm somewhat flamboyant, and I'm totally ok with that. But it's important for me to establish with people who I am and where I've come from so that they don't feel the need to label me as a gay guy who is afraid to come out. Once they understand that I am a transman, they have a better understanding of who I am.
So, I know she's totally trying to make me feel comfortable, and tell me it's ok to be gay.
And this is when I decided I had to tell her about me because clearly she had no idea.
When she asked me why I moved back to Illinois I had just briefly said LA wasn't for me right now.
I decided to expand by telling her I went to LA to transition from female to male and that I started hormones.
She was shocked, but not bad shocked, good shocked really. She was like, "Oh my god, I never would have guessed!! Really?? Are you sure??" And then she's like, "So do you still have a va jay jay and boobs?" And I was like, "yes, and that is what that mark on my back is from. I was wearing a sports bra and binder."
She was very supportive and thought it was really cool. She asked questions and wanted to know more. She was a little more blunt than most people are when they first find out, but I appreciated it.
Once I was done with the massage and got dressed, she definitely was taking a second look at me and I could see her studying me, probably trying to see the "female" in me, trying to see how she could have ever missed the fact that I was female first.
Now that she knows though, I'm sure I can relax more when she's massaging me. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything or lacking anything that she might be looking for, which is good.
I then got adjusted by the chiro when I was done with the massage. He was nice. Whenever he addresses me, he calls me buddy. How are you feeling buddy? How was your weekend buddy? Good to see you buddy!
So, another good experience on the books. I'm very surprised but happy.
so while I'm on this kick to overall health and wellness, my girlfriend suggested that I go to the chiropractor with her last week, Friday. She called ahead to get us both in.
I was nervous to have to come out to yet another medical professional, especially one that was located in Suburbia and not affiliated with a well known hospital or anything. I was scared that they would have a negative reaction to me.
I knew I had to come out to them though if I wanted treatment because my medical insurance still says that I'm female, so in order to process the claims, I would have to be upfront.
And so I was. And they really handled it very well I think. The chiropractor's wife was the receptionist/office manager and was really great. She called me "he" from the beginning and so did the rest of her employees and they did so without reservation or judgment which was very nice.
When I had my actual exam with the chiro himself, I told him on his own and in a very matter of fact way. I could sense he was uncomfortable, but handled it well also. HE continued with my exam and treatment plan and still continued to make small talk.
I think he may have been taken aback because he never would have guessed I was born female. I had a full five o clock shadow the day I saw him last week.
Then I went back to the chiro again today. And today, I had a massage with a massage therapist named Jaime. We talked about how she spelled hers JAIME and I spell mine JAMIE. She said, "Well, of course you spell yours that way, you are a boy silly!" And I was happy she saw me as a boy, but I also knew in that moment she had no idea I was trans.
I had to get undressed for my massage, and I decided to just leave on my boxers. I laid face down on the table, and then she came in and we started.
As she began the massage, she ran her hand across the middle of my back where there was an indentation from my sports bra and she said, "Were you laying on something that left a mark in your back?" I was like, "yeah". I knew I was going to have to tell her about me, especially if I ended up getting a full body massage later (I was only having my back and hip worked on today).
The massage continued and she asked me about my girlfriend and how we met, if I thought she was the one, if I wanted children, the typical get to know you questions. And she was telling me not to get Rebecca pregnant unless I was sure I wanted to have children, and that I'm lucky we have had no accidents yet, things like that.
We had a very easy going, flowing conversation. She answered the questions for me as well.
She was working on my back and telling me I was going to have to flip over so she could work on my hip more. And that is when I got really nervous. She would be looking for a flat chest and a bulge in my boxers that I didn't have. But she said she'd be working on my back for a while so we would get to the hip later.
Then as the conversation continued, she kept bringing up her gay guy friends, about how one of them was in denial for a long time, he finally came out and was comfortable with himself, how she knows a gay couple in Madison, etc.
And she's doing this assuming I'm a heterosexual, biological male.
I've had many people do this before. And I know it's because I come off as a gay guy to most people. I do have feminine qualities and I'm somewhat flamboyant, and I'm totally ok with that. But it's important for me to establish with people who I am and where I've come from so that they don't feel the need to label me as a gay guy who is afraid to come out. Once they understand that I am a transman, they have a better understanding of who I am.
So, I know she's totally trying to make me feel comfortable, and tell me it's ok to be gay.
And this is when I decided I had to tell her about me because clearly she had no idea.
When she asked me why I moved back to Illinois I had just briefly said LA wasn't for me right now.
I decided to expand by telling her I went to LA to transition from female to male and that I started hormones.
She was shocked, but not bad shocked, good shocked really. She was like, "Oh my god, I never would have guessed!! Really?? Are you sure??" And then she's like, "So do you still have a va jay jay and boobs?" And I was like, "yes, and that is what that mark on my back is from. I was wearing a sports bra and binder."
She was very supportive and thought it was really cool. She asked questions and wanted to know more. She was a little more blunt than most people are when they first find out, but I appreciated it.
Once I was done with the massage and got dressed, she definitely was taking a second look at me and I could see her studying me, probably trying to see the "female" in me, trying to see how she could have ever missed the fact that I was female first.
Now that she knows though, I'm sure I can relax more when she's massaging me. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything or lacking anything that she might be looking for, which is good.
I then got adjusted by the chiro when I was done with the massage. He was nice. Whenever he addresses me, he calls me buddy. How are you feeling buddy? How was your weekend buddy? Good to see you buddy!
So, another good experience on the books. I'm very surprised but happy.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
And I saw the new therapist and the LSAT tutor
Today was an eventful day.
I started therapy with a new therapist who specializes in gender issues and so far, I love her.
She seems to really know her stuff, she's written and published 3 books, including a medical text book.
After meeting with me for only an hour, I've deemed her the "guru" all on things gender related. She really has devoted her life to studying all issues dealing with gender and I find her to be incredibly knowledgeable. She also happens to be the wife of my new doctor! I love that they are this married, heterosexual couple that just happen to specialize in treating people with gender issues.
My actual therapy with her though was somewhat emotional. She was easy to talk to, and learned right away the right questions to ask to get me to talk.
I gave her the whole history of me, and in doing so, it made me emotional. I didn't think it would at all. But I guess as I sit here and think about it, it makes sense that it would be emotional to recount to someone else your entire life history, all of the issues you have personally, where they started, where they are going, how I came to terms with my gender issues.
It was also a very freeing experience. It felt safe and comfortable. I could say anything and it was as if she knew what I was talking about and had heard it before, obviously a much different experience than talking to Barrie, my old therapist, who judged me and made me feel like I was losing my mind.
The new therapist stressed to me some very important points also. She talked a lot about my transition on the inside vs. the outside. She told me this transition would be something I need to also grow with and into emotionally, and I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, it was a little scary to me for some reason. I think because I just realized in her office once again, how my entire life is in transition and it's up to me to make it what I want it to be and to work hard for the changes I want.
From therapy, I went to meet my new tutor for the LSAT. The tutor is very nice and she is easy to understand for the most part so that's good. I think just actually getting started on the studying itself was stressful. I see how far I have to go and also how hard I need to work for this too.
It was a productive day overall though and I'm happy about that.
I should also mention that I came out to my dentist yesterday and he handled it rather well. He seemed pretty comfortable for the most part and asked me questions about how I feel on the hormones, how often I'm taking them, etc. It was nice that I could talk with him about it.
I also made an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed by the woman I've seen since I was 12. My sister sees her now and told her about my transition. She knows I'm coming in to have her re-shape my eyebrows, but in a metrosexual, male kind of way. That appointment is next week.
Not much else to report. It sounds like I have a cold when I talk now, and I think as time goes on, that is going to get worse for a little while. I also have a sore throat during the day sometimes as well. The singing is still not coming as easily as it was, but all of this will clear up in time. I just have to be patient.
So, here are some new videos.
Enjoy!
I started therapy with a new therapist who specializes in gender issues and so far, I love her.
She seems to really know her stuff, she's written and published 3 books, including a medical text book.
After meeting with me for only an hour, I've deemed her the "guru" all on things gender related. She really has devoted her life to studying all issues dealing with gender and I find her to be incredibly knowledgeable. She also happens to be the wife of my new doctor! I love that they are this married, heterosexual couple that just happen to specialize in treating people with gender issues.
My actual therapy with her though was somewhat emotional. She was easy to talk to, and learned right away the right questions to ask to get me to talk.
I gave her the whole history of me, and in doing so, it made me emotional. I didn't think it would at all. But I guess as I sit here and think about it, it makes sense that it would be emotional to recount to someone else your entire life history, all of the issues you have personally, where they started, where they are going, how I came to terms with my gender issues.
It was also a very freeing experience. It felt safe and comfortable. I could say anything and it was as if she knew what I was talking about and had heard it before, obviously a much different experience than talking to Barrie, my old therapist, who judged me and made me feel like I was losing my mind.
The new therapist stressed to me some very important points also. She talked a lot about my transition on the inside vs. the outside. She told me this transition would be something I need to also grow with and into emotionally, and I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, it was a little scary to me for some reason. I think because I just realized in her office once again, how my entire life is in transition and it's up to me to make it what I want it to be and to work hard for the changes I want.
From therapy, I went to meet my new tutor for the LSAT. The tutor is very nice and she is easy to understand for the most part so that's good. I think just actually getting started on the studying itself was stressful. I see how far I have to go and also how hard I need to work for this too.
It was a productive day overall though and I'm happy about that.
I should also mention that I came out to my dentist yesterday and he handled it rather well. He seemed pretty comfortable for the most part and asked me questions about how I feel on the hormones, how often I'm taking them, etc. It was nice that I could talk with him about it.
I also made an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed by the woman I've seen since I was 12. My sister sees her now and told her about my transition. She knows I'm coming in to have her re-shape my eyebrows, but in a metrosexual, male kind of way. That appointment is next week.
Not much else to report. It sounds like I have a cold when I talk now, and I think as time goes on, that is going to get worse for a little while. I also have a sore throat during the day sometimes as well. The singing is still not coming as easily as it was, but all of this will clear up in time. I just have to be patient.
So, here are some new videos.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
New city, new doctor
I went to my new doctor in Illinois yesterday and I have to say that I am very fond of him. He is very thorough. He has a lot of trans patients and he's completely comfortable talking about all of the issues, medication, surgeries, everything. Most importantly, he didn't make me feel rushed in the least. He took the time to talk to me, answer all of my questions, all of Rebecca's questions, and it was great. So, I'm happy and feeling more comfortable knowing that I have a medical professional I can talk to about anything.
Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.
I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.
I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.
I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.
He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.
I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.
And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.
As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.
I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)
My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.
I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.
I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.
My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.
Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.
Enjoy!
Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.
I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.
I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.
I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.
He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.
I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.
And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.
As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.
I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)
My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.
I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.
I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.
My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.
Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.
Enjoy!
Monday, August 11, 2008
I'm finally home
Sorry it has taken me so long to blog. I drove cross country from LA to Chicago, and what an interesting journey that was.
I changed the sex on my California driver's license to say Male instead of Female, and until it arrives, I am driving on a temporary, paper license. And that made the road trip to Chicago more interesting when I got pulled over in UTAH for speeding.
The officer was actually really nice. He took the paper license, gave me a ticket, and mostly sent us on our way. It was a little confusing though because on his copy of my ticket, my information printed out with "FEMALE" on it, but then he crossed it out and wrote male when he saw my paper license. But then when he was headed back to his car, he said something to my girlfriend about making sure she "slows HER down" (referring to me). So truthfully, I have no idea what gender he thought I was. And it could have been really bad, but it actually went really well, except for the part where I got the ticket.
Overall though, the road trip was smoothly. No other tickets, mishaps, or car trouble, so I'm thankful for that. I think I'm not the road tripping kind of guy. I like to just get where I am going.
A day or two after I arrived in Chicago, I went traveling again. This time, I went to Canada. It was my first time and I had a blast. I went to Niagara Falls.
I was nervous crossing the border because my passport says female still, but they really didn't question it at all. I was with a few other people which I think made it easier as well.
My passport wasn't required to get into Canada, but I'm still using a paper driver's license so I needed a photo ID of some sort.
Now I'm back from Canada, and trying to get back into the swing of things here at home.
I'm happy to report that my mother has been unusually cooperative in the last two visits I've had with her this week. She met my new girlfriend, and has been attempting to say "HE" and call me her son. THIS IS HUGE. I know she is struggling, but the fact that she is making the effort at all means a lot. I hope she continues to.
My sister has also been great. She's been reinforcing that I am a boy to my niece and nephew, and also trying hard to switch pronouns.
So, my homecoming so far has been totally unexpected and very much appreciated.
I'm also currently on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. I have a few recommendations that I am going to follow up on in the next couple of days.
And other than that, it's time to bury myself in the house and study for my LSAT exam.
In terms of my actual transition and physical changes, my voice continues to play tricks on me. Some days I feel it going deeper and coming in stronger, other days I feel raspy and have a sore throat. I still struggle most days with my singing voice. Randomly, I crack and have breaks in my voice where I didn't used to. I'm also trying to teach myself to breathe in different ways to hit the lower notes. Sometimes it is really frustrating, but I know in the end, it will all be fine. It's just that literally, I'm like a 12 year old boy, and that's ok, as long as it isn't permanent.
My body continues to have tightness and cramping, especially in my legs. Still feel like I'm having growing pains. I'm sure I need to be taking more vitamins to help with that though.
The hair on my face, arms, armpits, and legs is starting to come in more and thicker. Looks like I'm going to be the typical hairy jewish guy :)
My appetite is also weird. I wake up very early in the morning from hunger pains sometimes and now I enjoy eating a large breakfast usually consisting of some type of omelette. I didn't used to be a real breakfast person.
My moods continue to be up and down. I feel strong surges of emotion at random times of day and sometimes when I should feel a strong surge of emotion, I don't. That continues to be frustrating and not easy to deal with, but I'm just trying to ride the wave and deal. I think the more I am aware of it, the easier it becomes to deal with until it passes.
I think that about sums up everything going on with me for now. :)
I changed the sex on my California driver's license to say Male instead of Female, and until it arrives, I am driving on a temporary, paper license. And that made the road trip to Chicago more interesting when I got pulled over in UTAH for speeding.
The officer was actually really nice. He took the paper license, gave me a ticket, and mostly sent us on our way. It was a little confusing though because on his copy of my ticket, my information printed out with "FEMALE" on it, but then he crossed it out and wrote male when he saw my paper license. But then when he was headed back to his car, he said something to my girlfriend about making sure she "slows HER down" (referring to me). So truthfully, I have no idea what gender he thought I was. And it could have been really bad, but it actually went really well, except for the part where I got the ticket.
Overall though, the road trip was smoothly. No other tickets, mishaps, or car trouble, so I'm thankful for that. I think I'm not the road tripping kind of guy. I like to just get where I am going.
A day or two after I arrived in Chicago, I went traveling again. This time, I went to Canada. It was my first time and I had a blast. I went to Niagara Falls.
I was nervous crossing the border because my passport says female still, but they really didn't question it at all. I was with a few other people which I think made it easier as well.
My passport wasn't required to get into Canada, but I'm still using a paper driver's license so I needed a photo ID of some sort.
Now I'm back from Canada, and trying to get back into the swing of things here at home.
I'm happy to report that my mother has been unusually cooperative in the last two visits I've had with her this week. She met my new girlfriend, and has been attempting to say "HE" and call me her son. THIS IS HUGE. I know she is struggling, but the fact that she is making the effort at all means a lot. I hope she continues to.
My sister has also been great. She's been reinforcing that I am a boy to my niece and nephew, and also trying hard to switch pronouns.
So, my homecoming so far has been totally unexpected and very much appreciated.
I'm also currently on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. I have a few recommendations that I am going to follow up on in the next couple of days.
And other than that, it's time to bury myself in the house and study for my LSAT exam.
In terms of my actual transition and physical changes, my voice continues to play tricks on me. Some days I feel it going deeper and coming in stronger, other days I feel raspy and have a sore throat. I still struggle most days with my singing voice. Randomly, I crack and have breaks in my voice where I didn't used to. I'm also trying to teach myself to breathe in different ways to hit the lower notes. Sometimes it is really frustrating, but I know in the end, it will all be fine. It's just that literally, I'm like a 12 year old boy, and that's ok, as long as it isn't permanent.
My body continues to have tightness and cramping, especially in my legs. Still feel like I'm having growing pains. I'm sure I need to be taking more vitamins to help with that though.
The hair on my face, arms, armpits, and legs is starting to come in more and thicker. Looks like I'm going to be the typical hairy jewish guy :)
My appetite is also weird. I wake up very early in the morning from hunger pains sometimes and now I enjoy eating a large breakfast usually consisting of some type of omelette. I didn't used to be a real breakfast person.
My moods continue to be up and down. I feel strong surges of emotion at random times of day and sometimes when I should feel a strong surge of emotion, I don't. That continues to be frustrating and not easy to deal with, but I'm just trying to ride the wave and deal. I think the more I am aware of it, the easier it becomes to deal with until it passes.
I think that about sums up everything going on with me for now. :)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thoughts about LA
So,
today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!
It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.
In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.
My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.
I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.
I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.
He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.
I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.
So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.
My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.
Ok, now off to pack some more!
today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!
It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.
In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.
My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.
I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.
I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.
He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.
I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.
So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.
My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.
Ok, now off to pack some more!
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