Sorry it's been so long

Sorry it has been so long since my last update.

Since my last update, I helped move my mother out of her house, started studying with two tutors for the LSAT.

I'm hoping to pick up the guitar in the next month or so as well. I'm hoping to treat myself to that as a reward for studying hard :)

So, the short and the skinny on me and my transition..

well, these last few weeks I don't think I've seen much physical change within me. The only change that I continue to see and that is really bothering me is my voice dropping, only it doesn't just drop. It gets squeaky and awkward, sometimes raspy, and is making it very very difficult to sing, which is depressing me. I used to have a pretty good female voice and I always used to sing, for fun, to relieve stress, whatever. And now that I can't really sing without a struggle, I need to find a new outlet, which is why I'm looking into playing the guitar.

I mostly pass in public these days for a guy and the voice is definitely helping that.


I just wish I could cut my boobs off already. I wish there weren't requirements about when and how to have surgery. But I know it's in my best interest to wait so that I can lose weight and be on hormones for a year and be sure it's what I want to do.

But I'm telling you, some days they really get to me, especially in the summer and when it's warm out.

I long for the day I can walk anywhere, anytime, without a shirt on and have a male chest.

Oh, and I should mention, that because my boobs are so big, I wear an uncomfortable binder everyday, and that is getting old. Even with it on, my boobs still look kind of obvious in some shirts, so I also try to leave my face scruffy and with a shadow so that I pass more easily.

The other day though, I shaved my face and then I went to the grocery store and the cashier called me ma'am.....And it was like I went into shock...I've been called "HE" so often that to hear a stranger call me she was so weird. I corrected him and said "HE", so I guess now he thinks I'm a gay guy, which most people think anyway.

And, I'm one step closer to telling the rest of my family (that I don't really talk to) about my transition..

I called my father today and he asked what was wrong with me and my voice. He said I sounded like I had a cold. I told him that it was possible I did and then I attempted to make a plan to meet up with him.

I'm not close to him in the least, but I do believe that when revealing any kind of big news, it's best to do it in person. So, that's what I'm going to do.

And with the other members of my family, well, my mother has committed me to attending Rosh Hashanah with them (jewish new year), and that is next week Tuesday. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going, but if I do, then it will all come out there. I feel like once they see me it will be obvious because they haven't seen me in a year or so.

But, I do have to say, that I have caught up with some old friends and I got mixed reactions. Some could totally tell I was a boy now, and others said I hadn't changed at all. I think its interesting that the reactions are on both sides of the spectrum rather than bunched up in the middle.

I got to talk with my friend Brittany's mom and that was an interesting conversation. She told me that she wasn't surprised at me transitioning in the least and she's very supportive. She told me when I was little and played house with Brittany, I always wanted to be the Dad or the dog. I guess I chose the dog because the dog could be seen as gender neutral....lol oy

And when I've gotten to sit down with a woman who has been like a mother to me, Wendy, I've also received interesting feedback. She pushes me emotionally to challenge myself, my inner being, the "depth" of me, my emotions, etc. Her report that is some of the issues I have are very "male"..in that I'm stubborn, sometimes controlling, that kind of stuff.

Another thing I seem to be struggling with is the ability to cry, and my doctor says that could definitely be from the testosterone.

I used to be able to cry when something really upset me. The tears would just come, I'd cry, and then I'd feel a release.

These days I need to have a good cry, maybe even for no good reason at all, but the tears just don't come.

I've had a few reasons to cry really hard and nothing happens. It's like I feel upset, but not as much as I used to, and not enough to cry in the least. And sometimes when I am upset, I try to push myself to cry, and still nothing happens.

I'm one of the most sensitive people on this Earth, so for me to struggle with crying is so confusing. In some ways, I'm glad I don't cry so easily, but I still want the ability to cry. And I don't really know how I go about fixing that one. I guess I'll just have to hope that I'm still adjusting and transitioning, and that I will level out.

In addition to that, I might also mention that I think about sex A LOT more than I ever used to. It's kind of like I can't help it sometimes..and that is really weird to deal with also.

Ok, and now for my favorite thing to share with you all...

So my sister has been really good at teaching her kids (Hannah and Jordan, my niece and nephew) to call me "Jamie" and "He". Well, Hannah is still learning HOW to speak in general. So we've been trying to teach her my name, having her sound it out, whatever it takes. She hadn't really been calling me much of anything. And when I went there the other day, Pam said "Who's that Hannah?" and pointed to me, and Hannah said "Guy". At first I thought it was a fluke, I mean I laughed my ass off, but I thought she was just confused, like maybe she was pointing out A GUY vs. A GIRL, no no.
She calls me GUY every time I see her, and I think she thinks she is saying Jamie. It's hilarious, and ironic.

I will try to post some videos tomorrow so you can see just how beautiful I am these days :)

thoughts

In everyday life, I tend to feel lost

Trying to find the I the ME the We

Riding this roller coaster is one heavy burden

but i think about what I am going to see when I get off of the ride

The other part of me that I have waited so long for.

But there are those times on the ride that make me queasy, make me dizzy with worry, anxiety

and all I can do is hang on tight

no one else is on the ride with me, I have only myself

I can wave to the other people who can see me from a distance on the ride

they smile, wave, cheer me on, but that is all they can do

they can't take away the intensity, the feelings that the ride brings

they offer their support in all the ways they can, but its from a distance.

I'm unreachable, untouchable, unable to communicate from where I am.

I have only me.

And its scary.


I'm learning and understanding myself in a whole new way. I have to take apart everything that I was and rebuild anew. I need to rebuild the inside and the outside of me.

I've learned so much already in such a short period of time. I'm learning what makes me tick, what I really want in life, what I'm capable of achieving, the way my mind works, the issues I have and where they come from, and most importantly, how to confront everything that hasn't been confronted already.


I like that I can sense the wheels turning and the forward motion of my progress. I like that I am pushing myself to search, to question, to resolve, to forgive. I am slowly chipping away at the "rock" that has lived within me my whole life, that still pile of "stuff" that I just kept storing and didn't want to face or deal with.

It's like I opened the door half way to pull out my gender issues and to start transitioning, and so it would only make sense that the rest of the stuff hidden behind a half open door would begin to fall out.

My first reaction was to try to stuff it back inside, but, a part of me sensed it was time to begin sorting and dealing and discovering.

As I start to look at all of the stuff, I realize I don't know what half of it is or where it came from, I only know I didn't want to deal with it and didn't know how to throw it out so I just stored it.

And now I'm taking my time, sorting through it all, piece by piece. And I feel a sense of relief that I'm finally facing it all. It feels better to struggle in facing it all then to continue to just let it all sit there in a bunched up pile.

I'm awake and conscious, feeling everything entirely, for the first time ever in my life. I am putting bad habits of anger, resentment, stubbornness, and denial aside in order to get to the root of myself. I'm instead trying to focus on all of the good, the goals I want to achieve, and setting a path to get there.

And it's about time. :)

The Chiropractor

Ok,

so while I'm on this kick to overall health and wellness, my girlfriend suggested that I go to the chiropractor with her last week, Friday. She called ahead to get us both in.

I was nervous to have to come out to yet another medical professional, especially one that was located in Suburbia and not affiliated with a well known hospital or anything. I was scared that they would have a negative reaction to me.

I knew I had to come out to them though if I wanted treatment because my medical insurance still says that I'm female, so in order to process the claims, I would have to be upfront.

And so I was. And they really handled it very well I think. The chiropractor's wife was the receptionist/office manager and was really great. She called me "he" from the beginning and so did the rest of her employees and they did so without reservation or judgment which was very nice.

When I had my actual exam with the chiro himself, I told him on his own and in a very matter of fact way. I could sense he was uncomfortable, but handled it well also. HE continued with my exam and treatment plan and still continued to make small talk.

I think he may have been taken aback because he never would have guessed I was born female. I had a full five o clock shadow the day I saw him last week.

Then I went back to the chiro again today. And today, I had a massage with a massage therapist named Jaime. We talked about how she spelled hers JAIME and I spell mine JAMIE. She said, "Well, of course you spell yours that way, you are a boy silly!" And I was happy she saw me as a boy, but I also knew in that moment she had no idea I was trans.

I had to get undressed for my massage, and I decided to just leave on my boxers. I laid face down on the table, and then she came in and we started.

As she began the massage, she ran her hand across the middle of my back where there was an indentation from my sports bra and she said, "Were you laying on something that left a mark in your back?" I was like, "yeah". I knew I was going to have to tell her about me, especially if I ended up getting a full body massage later (I was only having my back and hip worked on today).

The massage continued and she asked me about my girlfriend and how we met, if I thought she was the one, if I wanted children, the typical get to know you questions. And she was telling me not to get Rebecca pregnant unless I was sure I wanted to have children, and that I'm lucky we have had no accidents yet, things like that.

We had a very easy going, flowing conversation. She answered the questions for me as well.

She was working on my back and telling me I was going to have to flip over so she could work on my hip more. And that is when I got really nervous. She would be looking for a flat chest and a bulge in my boxers that I didn't have. But she said she'd be working on my back for a while so we would get to the hip later.

Then as the conversation continued, she kept bringing up her gay guy friends, about how one of them was in denial for a long time, he finally came out and was comfortable with himself, how she knows a gay couple in Madison, etc.

And she's doing this assuming I'm a heterosexual, biological male.

I've had many people do this before. And I know it's because I come off as a gay guy to most people. I do have feminine qualities and I'm somewhat flamboyant, and I'm totally ok with that. But it's important for me to establish with people who I am and where I've come from so that they don't feel the need to label me as a gay guy who is afraid to come out. Once they understand that I am a transman, they have a better understanding of who I am.

So, I know she's totally trying to make me feel comfortable, and tell me it's ok to be gay.

And this is when I decided I had to tell her about me because clearly she had no idea.

When she asked me why I moved back to Illinois I had just briefly said LA wasn't for me right now.

I decided to expand by telling her I went to LA to transition from female to male and that I started hormones.

She was shocked, but not bad shocked, good shocked really. She was like, "Oh my god, I never would have guessed!! Really?? Are you sure??" And then she's like, "So do you still have a va jay jay and boobs?" And I was like, "yes, and that is what that mark on my back is from. I was wearing a sports bra and binder."

She was very supportive and thought it was really cool. She asked questions and wanted to know more. She was a little more blunt than most people are when they first find out, but I appreciated it.


Once I was done with the massage and got dressed, she definitely was taking a second look at me and I could see her studying me, probably trying to see the "female" in me, trying to see how she could have ever missed the fact that I was female first.


Now that she knows though, I'm sure I can relax more when she's massaging me. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything or lacking anything that she might be looking for, which is good.

I then got adjusted by the chiro when I was done with the massage. He was nice. Whenever he addresses me, he calls me buddy. How are you feeling buddy? How was your weekend buddy? Good to see you buddy!

So, another good experience on the books. I'm very surprised but happy.