I came out at work!

I'm happy to report that I came out at work today and it was totally unexpected.

I was waiting for my instincts to tell me how and when to tell my co-workers and today the perfect opportunity presented itself. I have a semi-gay co-worker (as he calls himself). He was talking about his issues with being gay and why it's uncomfortable and how he feels about it, and it became kind of a counseling session with the whole office chiming in. And everyone was supportive. Not one person had anything negative to say in any way about being gay. They were all voicing opinions that said be true to yourself, whatever that is. And it was nice. It was like we all bonded.

Then someone brought up the fact that they had watched a special on Barbara Walters' show over the weekend about transgendered youth and kids,etc etc. And everyone was talking about how interesting it was to learn about that and what a struggle it must be to go through something like that. And at that moment, I knew it was time. So, I told them that while we were on the topic that I had something to share with them. And I passed out copies of my magazine article to everyone and let them read. They were all so supportive. I could see them piecing the puzzle together as they got a brief introduction into my life and what the past year has been like for me.

One of my co-workers started crying and hugged me and thanked me for sharing my story. And she told me how its so important to her that there are people like me to share stories and to educate and how much she respected me for putting myself out there. It was very nice to hear. It was truly a blessing in fact.

My other co workers were very supportive also. They asked questions, they wanted to know if they should use male pronouns, if I was changing my name, etc etc.

I had one co worker though who told me I was like the pregnant man on Oprah and that the pregnant man wasn't really a man because he was born a woman. So, she was basically telling me she'd call me HE but always see me as a SHE because that is how I was born. I tried not to let it upset me. I hope to do some more research and educating on the issue with her because her reaction really did affect me. But I tried to stay in the moment and focus on the fact that the majority of my co-workers were really really great.

It made me super emotional. I told my supervisor I was scared I was going to have to quit my job or that I'd lose my job. She told me not to worry and also told me that of all places to work this is the place because everyone is so accepting and all about diversity. She also said she'd start calling me muchacho and amigo instead of muchacha and amiga. It was really sweet.

I cannot believe that it all just happened like that. But I'm thankful it did. And I also think it made my semi-gay co-worker feel better. I think he may be able to see me as a role model because I'm taking the bull by the horns and I've accepted myself for who I am. I think he's a great guy and I hope to become closer to him in the coming months.

Another day another dose

So, today I did another dose of t and I'm feeling this one a lot. My heart kind of speeds up and makes me feel like I want to run a marathon or lift really heavy things and see how long I can hold them. My moods were kind of all over the place today also. I think thats the hardest thing to deal with really. I have a lot of big issues going on in life and having them amplified wouldn't be easy on anyone. So, I'm just trying to take it all in stride.

Today I'm mostly upset about my current living situation. I still live in Peter's living room and it's pretty tough. I've tried to have a really positive attitude and get through it, but today its really getting to me. It's hard to feel homeless. It's hard to rely on people. It's hard to have to live out of suitcases and have no where for your stuff. At the same time, I'm thankful I have somewhere to sleep, but coming from the spoiled life I lead, this is hitting me in some big ways. It is humbling, but it also upsets me.

I came to LA in search of a dream and when I got here 9 months ago, I never could have predicted I'd be where I am currently. I didn't think I'd make it big overnight, but I didn't think I'd be struggling like I am or living in someone else's space instead of my own. Although I was spoiled, I was and still am very self sufficient. I have a strong work ethic and I like to do things for myself without relying on other people. Even allowing myself to live in Peter's space was a battle within me. And now its kind of getting old. Peter is kind of fed up with me living in his space, which is understandable. It's cramped and not good and affecting us both in bad ways. I need to get out.

The question is, where the fuck am I going? Am I supposed to get an apartment and stick it out in LA longer? Am I supposed to go back home and stay with my sister?? Am I going to apply to some program abroad that pays my living expenses? Law school? Grad school? I have no idea. I always tell myself to stay put until I know what my plan is, but I feel like I've been saying that for the last 9 months. And its frustrating to feel like I'm supposed to be moving in a direction and going nowhere.

Someone who I recently became close with helped me realize that maybe my journey to LA was not about the career in comedy, but about my transition. It was about getting away from everything that was in my way and giving me the space I need to grow and change into the me I want to be and am. And having recently accepted that thought, it does ring true and bring me some peace. Thank you for helping me realize that Rebecca.

I've also established a real sense of independence that I think I was lacking my whole life. I've really learned how to take care of myself and what I need to be ok. I'm still a work in progress on that, but I'm at least learning and taking copious notes.

And yet, even with the growth I've achieved, I'm still never happy, the harsh self critic within me always has the loudest opinion.

So its just been one of those days of reflection that begs the questions from me to myself over and over again.

I have the moments where I tell myself its ok to not know where I'm going, but I do also still have the moments where I freak out. I have control issues. I like having a plan. I like to know ahead of time what I'm doing and I'm learning in the hardest way possible, that life is not going to give me that every time, if ever.


Trying to find your place in the universe is a lot more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I think I just need to take more time to listen to what it is trying to tell me.

I also need to have more faith and trust that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and that everything does happen for a reason. My whole life is in transition and I need to trust that this will lead me to great things.

I'll get there, just gotta take it one step at a time. Oh these emotions :)

Just some thoughts

It's a fine Saturday morning here in Los Angeles. I'm up at 7am because I think I've come down with a terrible sinus infection and sore throat. It's 110 degrees here and I can't stop sweating, and now I'm drinking tea and honey. I'd like to share with you what that feels like. It feels like death. My body is already trying to keep me cooled down by making me sweat and then I add in a hot drink and I feel like I'm going to faint every time I take a sip. But I'd take the fainting feeling over the pain I have in my nasal passage and throat. A great start to a very busy, overbooked weekend I have ahead of me.

Today is my law firm's annual party, and they decided to rent out the Rose Bowl! I think that is so awesome! And we are supposed to have a flag football game and I'm signed up to play, but I'm nervous. The people in my office still see me as female and I know I can pass for a male no problem with some of the other people that are going to be there today. So, it'll probably be a day where I'm switching depending on who I am talking to. I need to come up with a plan to tell my co workers. I think people are starting to catch on.

There are two women I am closer with overall and they keep asking me if I have a cold (its because my voice is getting deeper, not just that I'm sick as I happen to be now). And one of them invited me to her wedding. I told her I'd be wearing a tuxedo and she's down with that. I'm just not sure if she's getting that I'm transgendered vs. a butch lesbian. It's a tough line because I sit in such close quarters with these people that when I tell them, its going to be tense I think for a little while. But if any office environment is going to handle it well at all, I think it will be the one I'm in because there is such diversity going on at all levels. We'll see though. I've definitely been wrong before, but I am trying to stay positive. I'm thinking about telling the two that are close to me by showing them the article I wrote in the magazine. I feel like maybe if they read it and get part of my story and some quick answers to general questions, it might go more smoothly. I've also thought about just telling them at lunch one day. I usually follow my instincts in situations like these, but I have so many worrisome thoughts that I'm unable to decipher what my instincts are telling me. I need to focus and get to the bottom of that because not dealing with this head on and letting go on for longer is making me more anxious about it. I really am proud of who I am and what I'm about. I just want my work environment to remain unaffected and I wish I didn't have to come out to anyone about this. But the reality is that people care, people judge, and people want to know every last detail about something juicy going on. So, something needs to be said about my transition.

When I was beginning my transition, I was very consumed with worries about who I would date, how I would tell people. who would be supportive, who wouldn't. My friend Phoenix gave me the best advice (he's also a transman). He told me not to worry about it, that it would all fall into place, and that if I just keep the focus on me, the right people will come my way when it is time. And I'm happy to report that that is finally coming true. I meet lots of new people each day and they have all been supportive. I've also met people who are interested in dating me and are also totally supportive. It's not really awkward at all, as I had anticipated it would be. I'm so glad its finally going this way. I don't have time to worry about what others think of me, but I mean in reality, we all worry sometimes. We all want people to find us attractive, to find us as dating material, to support who we are in life, and I've definitely been on a journey to find all of this. I'm finally building a core group of friends in LA, a family really. And they are so supportive and loving its unreal. I'm very thankful still for finding them. It took a while, but it was worth the wait.


I've had great responses to my blog this far, and I'm pretty happy about it. I've gotten some more requests in recent days to do more video blogging about my day in general. It has been suggested that I film myself as I go through my daily routine. I will attempt to do that. I wish I could film a day in my life at the law firm because it would be hilarious, but I'm thinking I just can't swing that. But I will def try to get some more shots of me in everyday life.

Ok, now that I've finished my hot tea in 110 degree weather, I'm going to attempt to sleep this nasty sicky off.

So I went home to see my mother

I went home to see my mother. I was home from Wed to Sun. The trip wasn't as bad as I expected. My mom is in a pretty deep depression over the loss of her best friend and boyfriend, as I expected. She was warmer to me than usual, but still kind of off her rocker. We didn't talk about my transition at all because she just couldn't go there about any issue. She can hardly decide what she is wearing each day. So as much as I had anticipated a huge talk and laying out of the law, I see that this was not an opportune time. And maybe in some way it was a good thing. I think partly it was good for her to see that I"m still me. I'm still funny, outgoing, my personality hasn't changed. I've just started to change physically. And I think she was also able to see me finally be a lot more happy. I'm just more secure in who I am now that I'm facing all of this. I was pretty confident in who I was before, but having the body to match is an important part.

I got to spend a lot of time with my niece, Hannah, who is one, and my nephew, Jordan, who is 4. It was so great to see them because I am so crazy about them.
My nephew is very curious and into everything. And he's just a real character. He is confused on whether or not I'm a boy or a girl. He uses both pronouns which I think is cute. When my sister said Jamie was coming in, my nephew replied, "Why is she he coming in?"

He used to call me Auntie, but now we have him just using Jamie. He's been good about it.

But I think the cutest story of all is this. When I was getting into the shower, my curious nephew came wondering into the bathroom looking for me and when he saw me naked he said, "Jamie, how did you get boobs?" So I'm guessing he sees me more as a male. I didn't answer his question, I just smiled and sent him on his way.

I think what I love about children is that they aren't exposed to the prejudices and small minded ideas of society. My nephew loves me because I'm Jamie, not because I'm a boy or a girl. He loves the attention I give him, he loves to hang out with me and play, and that is what it should be about, always.

I also got to spend some quality time with my sister who is pretty awesome. She's my best friend who I can call at any time for anything. Really she is more like a mother to me in a lot of ways. She tries to pick up where my mom left off. She's very supportive of my transition, and I think she is able to start seeing the changes in me physically as well. I'm also lucky to have a brother in law who is supportive. He's a very relaxed, non judgmental straight guy, which I think is rare. He openly asks me how my shots are going and how I'm feeling. Just simple gestures like that make all the difference to me.

I got to see a lot of my close friends when I was home. And honestly, the nicest part about it was sharing my article with them, and having them not treat me any differently. They know I'm transitioning, and I'm also still the same old Jamie to them. It was very nice to feel so supported.

This trip also entailed coming out and telling of my story to people close to me in my life and I'm thankful to say that their responses were also good and supportive. People never cease to amaze me, and I'm glad that it was mostly good overall.

There are of course, always the disappointments. But I'm trying not to focus on those so much right now because they aren't going to get me anywhere.

Right now I'm very thankful to just be where I am. Finally happy I'm taking the journey I've longed to take for my whole life, and doing it with tons of support behind me. I feel very blessed and emotional about this. I'm very sensitive, but do I feel a touch of the hormones giving me a little edge. I think its just when you come from a place of having no support for so long, you are grateful for any that comes your way, and for once, I have a plethora, and its awesome.

Love you all.

Gay Pride Los Angeles Style

This weekend was the Gay Pride festival in Los Angeles. I decided to partake in the festivities by volunteering for my friend's cheerleading squad. They are called Cheer LA and they perform various stunts and dances to raise money for non profits such as Aid for Aids. So, while they performed I collected donations from the crowd. It was nice to be a part of something that gave back to charity. It was a long and crazy day though. I walked so far for so long and I can hardly feel my feet. But, I still feel good.

Other than that, I'm preparing myself for what I see as a very emotional trip home. I haven't been home in 4 months, which is a very long time in my family. I used to go home once a month or once every two months. That was before I was cut off and disowned because of my transition.

Now I don't know what to expect. I know my mom loves me, I really do, I just know the dynamic between is a fucked up one. And with everything she has said and done to me, I'm curious to see my own reaction when I am finally face to face with her. I'm trying to be the bigger man and understand she is grieving a great loss and needs me to step up, but at the same time, I've stepped up my whole life. And the line needs to be drawn. So I'm anticipating my confusion with where I am to draw my boundaries and how.

I'm hoping for a peaceful weekend, one that doesn't involve some kind of blow out. I'm hoping to see my sister, my brother in law, my niece and nephew, and some close friends. And I hope that it all goes as smoothly as it can.

The Break UP

I try not to have too many personal things up on my blog, but I don't know why when I think about it. The point of a blog, especially one like this, is to dive into the personal.

So, here goes.

Christine and I are sadly no longer together. I can't even point out what went wrong, we both just know now is not the right time, if ever. It's sad, and all those things a break up should be, but at the same time, I know I need to be alone right now. I need to figure myself out and see this transition through.

And of course, this all has to happen in the midst of my already dramatic life. I'm not sure what else could go wrong, but I hesitate in saying that because I don't want the universe to point anything else out to me.


I went out last night for my friend's birthday to Eleven in West Hollywood. It was a very interesting experience. People are starting to recognize me after reading my article in IN LA Magazine. It kind of caught me off guard, but it was nice to be noticed and nice to know that people are actually taking the time to read.

The other interesting part of my experience was that I was being noticed by both men and women. People really couldn't tell which gender I was. I thought it was funny, but at the same time, I felt a little put off. It started bringing up my own questions about how I'm going to meet women I want to date when I'm ready. I don't know how to approach lesbian women just yet and explain that I'm a transman. I feel like with other transguys you can just tell sometimes because of their "badboy" style with their tattoos, alternative clothing, I don't know, something about that has always given it away to me. But I don't dress that way in the least and it was obvious to me last night that a lot of lesbians thought I was some ignorant straight dude at a lesbian night. Kind of emotional to be dealing with that in addition to everything else on my mind yesterday.

I'm excited for LA Pride this weekend at least. I hope it will be a nice experience and will keep my mind off of the serious stuff. I'm volunteering on Saturday with Cheer LA for a few hours so I think that'll feel good as well.

I'm also flying home on Wed, June 11th for a long weekend. Should be interesting. If all goes wrong with my mother, I will at least get to see my niece and nephew, who I adore. I will also get some quality time with my sister, who is really more a like a parent to me anyhow.

So, with these things going on, I hope to remain distracted for as long as possible. Sometimes distraction can be a great aid to helping heal the heart.