I had a pretty big week this past week. On Thursday, I went and publicly spoke to a highschool in Manhattan Beach, California on "Transgender Awareness" with a friend of mine. We spoke to roughly 1500 highschoolers, in three separate sessions.
It was amazing. I went in not too sure how we would be received or how to connect with this type of audience. It was compromised of students ranging from freshman to senior, and with a huge group like that, it's tough to create a "safe space" where these kinds of issues can be talked about openly. But we managed to pull it off. They were incredibly receptive, they loved hearing our personal stories, our journies. It really could not have gone any better than it did. We had a lot of people come up to us after we were done speaking and let us know just how much they learned and how we impacted them. It makes me feel so good and so on top of the world when I have the chance to speak to people in that manner. It was really just so incredible. And it is so rare that a highschool would bring in Trans speakers just for transgender awareness. Usually, I'm brought in with gay, lesbian, and bisexual speakers and we cover all of the issues together. It was really nice to have the floor to only address the trans issues. And we got really really great feedback from the staff, and that was also important to me. I feel very proud of the job I did that day.
So after that, Friday, I headed down to San Diego for the Transgender Summit, which was also a good experience. I went with my best friend and her trans boyfriend which was also very nice. It was good to have their support and their company.
I attended workshops and such about all different issues surrounding the Transgender community. I got to hear from some interesting speakers, especially the really politically active ones that I have so much respect for. I got to hear a "state of the union" address on trans issues which was very enlightening. It really inspired me to want to become more involved politically and socially in the Trans Movement.
It was nice to meet up with other Trans community members as well and to do some networking.
I met with two trans women after one of the seminars they gave on "Trans and Media". They have their own podcast on itunes, and they have a dedicated audience. I spoke with them about getting my own podcast started, and they told me they would help me promote it and that we could work with each other. And that was very exciting. To start a podcast though will take a lot of work and energy and time. So, before I just jump into it, I want to map out what I think the podcast would entail, what it would address, and what I'd want people to get out of it. So, if any of you have any ideas regarding that, please send me an email. I'm open.
So, now we are into the new week. And things with the family are a little stressful at the moment, well not the entire family, but a few choice members.
Recently, I've had more contact with my extended family on both sides, mostly cousins reaching out to me and letting me know how much they support me. It really has made such an impact on me. It means so much when extended, lost, family members reach out in general, but when they make an effort to contact me and write me lengthy emails telling me that they support my transition, that is just overwhelming and awesome. That kind of support couldn't have come at a better time.
I'm still dealing with the issues surrounding attending my cousin's wedding in Miami, Florida. I'm very nervous about it. I will be seeing so many people that haven't seen me in years, people who have no idea I'm transitioning, and unfortunately, I don't think most of them will be supportive. Things with my mom aren't going very well, so I can't really rely on her as a source of support, so basically, the only support I have is my sister and brother-in-law. So, knowing this, I emailed my cousin and asked her if I was invited to her wedding with a date, or if I could be. I explained that it would really mean a lot to me and why I would need support. And unfortunately, my request was rejected. At first, my cousin explained it as she needed to be fair and that my other cousins as well as other guests weren't invited with dates. But then she threw in that some of my cousins may show up with dates. So, I got confused. I was being honest and up front about wanting to bring a date, and she left me with the impression that I shouldn't have been honest and up front, and then it would have been ok. There is some kind of double standard going on here clearly. My cousin was either lying about the fact that other people weren't invited with dates, or she was saying to me without saying it directly that it's ok for other people to bring dates, but not me. She also went on to say that she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and that if I was only attending the wedding so that her feelings wouldnt' be hurt, that she would understand if it was too much for me and I didn't want to go. I honestly couldn't tell though, if she was trying to be sincere and sensitive to my feelings, or if this was her way of telling me she didn't want me at her wedding under the radar. Well, needless to say, after this conversation, I was crushed. I am at a loss to understand why exactly I am treated this way.
My first thought was not to attend the wedding at all because clearly, there is some issue about me being a man now. But my second thought was that I want to attend the wedding. I do not want my family to think that I am in any way, ashamed of who I am and that I will back down any time I face resistance. So, I've decided I'm still going to attend this wedding. I'm sure it will be a challenge, I'm sure it will be hard, but in my gut, I feel it is the right thing to do.
This is also an opportunity for me to spend some time with my sister, my neice and nephew, who I adore, and I don't know when I will see them next now that we live so far away.
I'm definitely trying to be the bigger person in this situation, and I'm pushing my own limits. But I don't want to look back on this and regret not going to the wedding, and I think I would regret not going more than just attending.
What is fantastic about all of this though is that when I have been upset this past week, I have had a lot of support. My best friends were able to counsel me, console me, listen to me, and help me deal. I really appreciate them for that. I have a hard time being vulnerable, but when I am, these people really know how to take care of me and that's really important to me. I'd say that my best friends are the family I've always wanted but never had until now. They are who have my back in life more so than anyone else (besides my sister).
In terms of the transition physically, I think I'm hitting another awkward phase with my voice. I'm having difficulty singing again and the higher notes that I used to be able to hear are disappearing at a very quick rate, which I am not happy about. My voice is cracking a lot when I speak. I do talk a lot at work, I'm on the phone or dealing with customers most of the day, so it could be that I'm losing my voice, but I think it's also in combination with my voice dropping again.
I'm still experiencing "growing pains" in my legs and arms. Sometimes they keep me up at night. I just feel restless and can't get rid of the "ache" I feel.
I'm trying to stretch as much as possible, but even when I go to stretch, I get muscle spasms everywhere. I just need to keep eating bananas and keep my potassium levels up, that seems to help.
Those are the updates. I'll be sure to post a video soon.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Drag and Gender bending show
This past weekend I performed in a drag show that was also about gender bending and variety in general. I didn't actually dress up as a woman. I was just myself but it was a lot of fun. I got to sing and perform as a "drag king" in a number.
I like the kind of audience that we were able to pull in. There were queer people and straight people from all walks of life. Even some of my coworkers came to support it and that was pretty awesome. I also had a really good friend of mine from college drive down from San Francisco to attend.
It was a really great weekend overall. It was so nice to see people come together and to support a show like this, and to support me. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends who accept me and love me as I am.
I'm in a good mood these days also because I have a new love interest in my life. Her name is Jordyn. She's been a part of my life for a few years now, but the "love" part is just starting to develop. And it's incredible.
This girl has been one of my best friends basically since the day I met her. We connect so well and we get each other on another level. I met her during my senior year of college, and we only lived in the same place as each other for 5 months, if that, and we have managed to stay in touch and stay connected since I graduated college.
She's one of the few people that I came out to as trans in college, in fact. As part of a homework assignment for a class we took together, we had to watch a tv show and comment on it. We decided we would watch the Tyra Banks show, and the topic just happened to be transgender kids/people. And after we watched the show, I was of course, emotional. And that was when I decided to tell her I was trans and looking into transitioning. She was incredibly accepting, very supportive. I think that was really the catalyst for me being able to tell other people in my life. Having one person so supportive and so accepting, especially at that time, made all the difference.
Now fast forward in time to present day. It had been a year and a half since I had seen her. She came out to LA for her spring break with a good friend of hers and I finally got to reunite with her. It was amazing. Instantly, everything I felt and more came rushing back. It was straight out of a movie. And something was different this time also, and that was I could tell she was feeling something for me also. And indeed she is. This is definitely the beginning of something much bigger and I can't wait to see where it goes. We are in the butterfly/honeymoon stage, which is obviously THE BEST.
Nothing at this point in my life feels better to me than someone totally understanding me, who I am, what I'm about, and loving me for it. I'm especially grateful when it comes along because it is lacking from my family, where it shouldn't be. So when it comes from other places, it really means a lot. And I definitely get this kind of support/love from Jordyn. I've had it for the past two years, it's just changing its shape a little.
Other than the show and my love life, the transition is going well. People all around are really starting to notice just how deep my voice is. A few people have mentioned that they have gone back to my first and second videos and they can really hear a difference. I myself went back and was in shock at just how high my voice used to be. so awkward lol
I'm still having some muscle spasms, and some nausea. I've become an incredibly picky eater and I'm trying so hard to eat 150 grams of protein a day, it's a struggle. But its still worth it to me.
I would really like to make top surgery happen sooner rather than later, but it looks like it's going to have to wait for a little while. And that really depresses me. I'm still trying to lose weight and get finances in order to make it all happen. I'll just have to see how long each of those takes.
That about sums everything up. Hope everyone has a great week!
I like the kind of audience that we were able to pull in. There were queer people and straight people from all walks of life. Even some of my coworkers came to support it and that was pretty awesome. I also had a really good friend of mine from college drive down from San Francisco to attend.
It was a really great weekend overall. It was so nice to see people come together and to support a show like this, and to support me. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends who accept me and love me as I am.
I'm in a good mood these days also because I have a new love interest in my life. Her name is Jordyn. She's been a part of my life for a few years now, but the "love" part is just starting to develop. And it's incredible.
This girl has been one of my best friends basically since the day I met her. We connect so well and we get each other on another level. I met her during my senior year of college, and we only lived in the same place as each other for 5 months, if that, and we have managed to stay in touch and stay connected since I graduated college.
She's one of the few people that I came out to as trans in college, in fact. As part of a homework assignment for a class we took together, we had to watch a tv show and comment on it. We decided we would watch the Tyra Banks show, and the topic just happened to be transgender kids/people. And after we watched the show, I was of course, emotional. And that was when I decided to tell her I was trans and looking into transitioning. She was incredibly accepting, very supportive. I think that was really the catalyst for me being able to tell other people in my life. Having one person so supportive and so accepting, especially at that time, made all the difference.
Now fast forward in time to present day. It had been a year and a half since I had seen her. She came out to LA for her spring break with a good friend of hers and I finally got to reunite with her. It was amazing. Instantly, everything I felt and more came rushing back. It was straight out of a movie. And something was different this time also, and that was I could tell she was feeling something for me also. And indeed she is. This is definitely the beginning of something much bigger and I can't wait to see where it goes. We are in the butterfly/honeymoon stage, which is obviously THE BEST.
Nothing at this point in my life feels better to me than someone totally understanding me, who I am, what I'm about, and loving me for it. I'm especially grateful when it comes along because it is lacking from my family, where it shouldn't be. So when it comes from other places, it really means a lot. And I definitely get this kind of support/love from Jordyn. I've had it for the past two years, it's just changing its shape a little.
Other than the show and my love life, the transition is going well. People all around are really starting to notice just how deep my voice is. A few people have mentioned that they have gone back to my first and second videos and they can really hear a difference. I myself went back and was in shock at just how high my voice used to be. so awkward lol
I'm still having some muscle spasms, and some nausea. I've become an incredibly picky eater and I'm trying so hard to eat 150 grams of protein a day, it's a struggle. But its still worth it to me.
I would really like to make top surgery happen sooner rather than later, but it looks like it's going to have to wait for a little while. And that really depresses me. I'm still trying to lose weight and get finances in order to make it all happen. I'll just have to see how long each of those takes.
That about sums everything up. Hope everyone has a great week!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Two singing and one talking Video blog update
Check out my vlogs! TWo singing ones, and I'll be uploading a talking one later! Enjoy!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So much to say and I don't know where to begin
Clearly it's been a little while since I've posted and a lot has happened since my last post.
For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.
Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.
I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.
One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.
One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.
I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.
That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.
I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)
For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.
Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.
I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.
One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.
One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.
I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.
That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.
I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)
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