I've officially been on hormones now for 6 months!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I'm ok, thanks everyone
I'm doing ok now. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me after reading/watching my sad panda blog.
I'm just still dealing with a lot of personal issues/demons. I'm on a transition physically,emotionally, and spiritually, and sometimes it all just catches up with me.
I'm trying so hard to change the things I don't like about myself and the way I handle relationships, romantic,familial, and the like. And sometimes I'm not pulling my weight or doing the things I really need to do, and other times I'm pushing too hard. I'm learning that in life things really are about balance, equilibrium, and I'm still figuring out how to find my balance with all of it. And I'm a very sensitive person too, and I'm trying to balance being sensitive and upset about something legitimate, and being upset for no reason at all. I am learning to choose my battles and fight wisely instead of choosing to fight everyone and everything. But sometimes, to do all of these things at once, feels impossible. So, then I try to separate them and deal with them each on their own, but they really are intertwined and can't be separated. Trial and Error seems to be the method I've chosen. .
"Mama said there'd be days like this" is the quote that comes to mind to describe it.
Overall though, I'd say things are better, at least for the last few days they have been.
It's also like I'm trying to complete this giant project for school or something, and I just want it to be finished and over with already, and I get impatient. And sometimes when I get impatient, I take it out on other people around me when it's my issue.
I'm sure some of what I am saying is ringing true with some of you even if you aren't transitioning.
Other updates:
I'm going to be speaking to the GLBT group at one of the community colleges I attended 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to that. I'll be speaking about being transgendered . I really do enjoy public speaking so I'm very excited.
My voice is still dropping. Singing has become a little easier over the last two weeks or so, so I'm relieved at that. I just hope it continues to get easier.
I get a lot of compliments from people about how well I sing, and I appreciate that, but it is taking me so much more effort, time, and control. And, when I was a girl, it was a lot more effortless! So, I'm slightly bitter about it, but as I said, it got a little better, so hopefully it continues to.
I'm getting hairier. In some places, that is ok with me. In other places, I feel like I'm hairy enough. But I can't really pick and choose where the hair comes in, so I just have to go with it. lol
My muscles have started to feel achy and shifty, if that makes any sense. It feels like I have growing pains, only I'm not getting any taller, my body is just shifting some stuff around.
I pass for a boy pretty much everywhere I go now, though mostly I think still as a gay boy, which is fine by me.
It is funny to witness though sometimes when I can tell someone is looking at me like I'm a gay guy. When I'm out with my girlfriend, I can totally tell when I'm receiving looks from oncomers and they are thinking "that boy is gay, why is he holding hands with that girl?".. I just laugh to myself. I know people are sensing I'm "different" than just a typical, straight male sometimes, and that's ok, I just know that if all the strangers I had encountered received the proper explanation, I think they'd understand why they sensed "weird, not so typical male" when they saw me, and wouldn't think I was a gay guy.
I'm still studying for my LSAT exam, which is in December. I wish I felt like a rockstar and really solid about it, but I don't. It's just one more thing to add to the pile of shit I need to work on and work toward. It is what it is though. If I don't do well after putting in the time and studying, then it wasn't meant to be. So, we'll just have to see what happens.
Those are the main updates for now!
I'm just still dealing with a lot of personal issues/demons. I'm on a transition physically,emotionally, and spiritually, and sometimes it all just catches up with me.
I'm trying so hard to change the things I don't like about myself and the way I handle relationships, romantic,familial, and the like. And sometimes I'm not pulling my weight or doing the things I really need to do, and other times I'm pushing too hard. I'm learning that in life things really are about balance, equilibrium, and I'm still figuring out how to find my balance with all of it. And I'm a very sensitive person too, and I'm trying to balance being sensitive and upset about something legitimate, and being upset for no reason at all. I am learning to choose my battles and fight wisely instead of choosing to fight everyone and everything. But sometimes, to do all of these things at once, feels impossible. So, then I try to separate them and deal with them each on their own, but they really are intertwined and can't be separated. Trial and Error seems to be the method I've chosen. .
"Mama said there'd be days like this" is the quote that comes to mind to describe it.
Overall though, I'd say things are better, at least for the last few days they have been.
It's also like I'm trying to complete this giant project for school or something, and I just want it to be finished and over with already, and I get impatient. And sometimes when I get impatient, I take it out on other people around me when it's my issue.
I'm sure some of what I am saying is ringing true with some of you even if you aren't transitioning.
Other updates:
I'm going to be speaking to the GLBT group at one of the community colleges I attended 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to that. I'll be speaking about being transgendered . I really do enjoy public speaking so I'm very excited.
My voice is still dropping. Singing has become a little easier over the last two weeks or so, so I'm relieved at that. I just hope it continues to get easier.
I get a lot of compliments from people about how well I sing, and I appreciate that, but it is taking me so much more effort, time, and control. And, when I was a girl, it was a lot more effortless! So, I'm slightly bitter about it, but as I said, it got a little better, so hopefully it continues to.
I'm getting hairier. In some places, that is ok with me. In other places, I feel like I'm hairy enough. But I can't really pick and choose where the hair comes in, so I just have to go with it. lol
My muscles have started to feel achy and shifty, if that makes any sense. It feels like I have growing pains, only I'm not getting any taller, my body is just shifting some stuff around.
I pass for a boy pretty much everywhere I go now, though mostly I think still as a gay boy, which is fine by me.
It is funny to witness though sometimes when I can tell someone is looking at me like I'm a gay guy. When I'm out with my girlfriend, I can totally tell when I'm receiving looks from oncomers and they are thinking "that boy is gay, why is he holding hands with that girl?".. I just laugh to myself. I know people are sensing I'm "different" than just a typical, straight male sometimes, and that's ok, I just know that if all the strangers I had encountered received the proper explanation, I think they'd understand why they sensed "weird, not so typical male" when they saw me, and wouldn't think I was a gay guy.
I'm still studying for my LSAT exam, which is in December. I wish I felt like a rockstar and really solid about it, but I don't. It's just one more thing to add to the pile of shit I need to work on and work toward. It is what it is though. If I don't do well after putting in the time and studying, then it wasn't meant to be. So, we'll just have to see what happens.
Those are the main updates for now!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Sometimes when words alone fail me, I sing
I'm sad today because I hurt someone that I love very much. I hurt them and continue to keep hurting them. And when they hurt, I in turn hurt as well. I hate that. I hate that when you hurt someone you can't take the pain away, the apology is not effective, especially if it is overused, and you're just stuck, hoping that time, love, and hard work will take it away. Actions do speak louder than words and I just need to make sure my actions are the ones I want and ought to be demonstrating.
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