That thing called family

We all have a thing we call family. Mine happens to be driving me nuts right now.

I'm referring to my aunt and uncle, and one of their kids, my cousin Staci, who is getting married.

There's a big hooplah in my family whenever anyone is getting married because it then comes to deciding who is standing up in the wedding. My cousin Staci stood up in my sister's wedding so naturally, my sister and I both expected to stand up in her wedding.

Well, that is not going to be the case, for several reasons, and I'm ticked about it.

First of all, I think we aren't getting asked to stand up in Staci's wedding because we aren't skinny mini people, like the rest of the people standing up. Second, I know I am specifically not being asked to stand up in the wedding, because I requested to be a groomsman and not a bridesmaid.


I came out to my cousin shortly before she got engaged. And after she got engaged she felt it necessary to tell me that she hadn't decided who would be standing up in her wedding yet, but that she totally loved me and accepted me for who I am and wanted me to know that. I appreciated the gesture but I knew that she didn't fully accept me. When we talked about the possibility of me standing up in her wedding, I tried to explain to her that I walk, talk, and in fact, I am a man now. I had to explain this to her because it had been a while since she had seen me. I don't think it registered because after I explained that and told her I'd want to be treated like a man would in terms of the wedding plans, she asked if I would still be attending her bridal shower, which would consist of all women. I explained that I would not be attending her bridal shower because men didn't attend those.

I'm sure she's trying in her own way to accept me, to understand me, but it's just not cutting it.

Furthermore, when my sister and I found out we would not be standing up in the wedding, we were also informed that my aunt and uncle were "adamantly" opposed to me standing up as a groomsman and that just really pissed me off. If I were going to be standing up in the wedding according to them, it would have to be as a bridesmaid, and that is just not going to happen.

They have all seen me since I've started transitioning, as recently as a month ago. So, I cannot understand why they are so opposed. I mean, I get why they are. They care what people think, what they'll say, I really believe that is the main motivation. But what would they be thinking if I showed up to a bridal shower or as a bridesmaid? People would do a lot more talking about a man in any of those two things.

So, as I said before, I'm just sort of ticked off about all of this. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am, and the harsh reality is that that is not always going to happen the way I envision it. Lesson learned.

The holidays

I am celebrating my first Channukah and Christmas as a man. I feel much more at ease with who I am, how I present myself, and overall, a chip has been lifted off of my shoulders.

It's nice to be around friends and family who accept me for who I am and what I am about. It's refreshing that people can still see me for who I am and what I'm about, regardless of the transition. I'm very thankful for that.

People lose their homes, their families, their friends, their jobs. I haven't really lost any of these. I haven't had anyone who stopped speaking to me (other than my mother, for a few months, but now we speak). Overall, people weren't shocked or surprised to hear I was transitioning. I've been able to keep my close friends and to make new ones. I am able to seek and keep employment and I even came out on the job at my last job.

I will admit though, that this holiday season is new for me in other ways also. It is my first holiday season being single in 10+ years. I've always had a girlfriend during these times so this is new. It's kind of lonely as I'm just getting used to being single again, but it's also good. It's nice not having to run around to a million places to see two or more families and friends. I'm on my own schedule and I can adhere to my own agenda.

In terms of the transition itself, I am going through another big drop in my voice I think. The last time I could tell my voice dropped significantly, I had a few weeks where I couldn't really sing and I was cracking all over the place. The same thing is happening again. I am not able to sing as well as I'd like to and I am cracking a lot. I've got a lot more muscle spasms happening now too, and I think this is because I am working out.

I just had my t shot tuesday so my moods are a bit better. They are usually pretty good for the first week after my t shot. Then they start to go up and down a little more.

Those are the updates for now.

Happy holidays everyone!

And it's over

I finally took my LSAT exam last week Saturday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but we will just have to wait and see how I did. I think I may take it one more time before I apply to law school, so it's now looking like I won't be attending law school in the fall of 2009. So, now I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life in the meantime. But I'm happy for now that I took the exam and that I'm done studying for now. I need the break.

And now I need to start looking for jobs. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach looking for a job. I know I pass completely for a male, so when I apply this time around, I think I will have an easier time finding a job vs. when I was applying as a butch lesbian. However, when the job asks for back up documentation like my driver's license,birth certificate or my passport, I'm going to have to out myself, which sucks. My driver's license says I'm male, but the birth certificate and passport say female. And I'm scared of losing potential job opportunities because I'm going to have to out myself. But then on the other hand, I'm thinking that I'd probably out myself anyhow. I don't think I'm one of the transmen in the world who want to remain anonymous and have the world think that I am a bio boy (biological). I'm proud of the fact that I am a transman, and the fact that I was a woman first is an important part of me, my identity, and where I came from. So, maybe it's a blessing as much as it is a curse. I guess I'll find out after I start applying for jobs and I see how it goes.

I don't really want to talk about it in depth, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Rebecca and I did break up about a month ago. So, that is something else that I have also been dealing with.

As for the transition, things are still going pretty much the same way they were. I took my t shot and my body is feeling better now. I tend to get more muscle cramps after the injection, but my moods level out more after that. I mean, I'm still moody,sensitive, hard to deal with at times, but the high highs and the low lows are less extreme when I've had my shot. The feelings of insecurity still remain though, no matter where I am on my t shot schedule. I still have random moments that come from out of the blue. I just feel insecure in my own skin. I think it's partly because I am transitioning, I'm changing and doing things to my being and I'm just not where I want to be yet. And the hardest part of that is feeling in between. And that's where I am at. I am a man with female genitalia and that is sometimes really hard to cope with.

It is especially challenging when it comes to meeting potential people I would date. I don't quite know the right way to address where I am at. I don't really feel it's necessary to introduce myself to people and then tell them right off the bat about my genitalia. On the other hand, I think it's important for people I would potentially date to know who I am and what I'm about before getting involved. I would want to know what I was getting into if roles were reversed. This is something that will be a work in progress and I'll just have to take it as it comes. I haven't had any trouble meeting anyone to date yet, but I fear that I will.


Last update-I've been working out a few times a week and I'm seeing my muscles grow and develop right before my eyes, which is pretty cool. It takes no time at all to see my biceps get bigger, which is awesome and very motivating. I need to lose a lot of weight in order to have top surgery go the way I want it to, so it's important that I continue to work out. I am not eligible to have top surgery until I have been on hormones for at least a year. And the year mark is coming up in April, which is crazy. Time has begun to really fly.



Those are all of the updates for now!

Day in Day Out

It is clearly time for me to do my shot again today. I can always feel it a few days before. I become more moody than usual, my body cramps more, and overall I just feel kind of icky. It feels like withdrawal from a drug in some senses. I'm not too happy about it, but it's what I have to go through to complete my transition.
My shots used to be once a week, so I'd feel the effects every four days or so. Now that my shot is once every three weeks but it's a larger dose, I only have to deal with the feelings of withdrawal once every 2 and half weeks, which is better.
It's just amazing how much more I have to be conscious about everything I do in general because of this transition.
If I don't eat enough protein each day, my body also feels icky. It like craves protein and it seems that the more protein I eat and the more water I drink, the more manageable my moods and my cramps are.
When I'm moody for no reason, I feel the need to isolate myself so that I can just deal and not take my feelings out on anyone else. Sometimes that part of it is really lonely. I have all of these thoughts and feelings that are a direct result of the shots and it's hard to break it down and explain it to people. When I tell people I'm really going through puberty again, I feel like they just don't get it and can't get it.
When we all went through puberty the first time, we had to just deal with it the best we could at the time. We didn't know what was coming, we had never experienced it before, but at least we were all going through it at the same time.

It is a much different experience to go through it again and to do it at 25, knowing what already came before and what's to come. It's sometimes hard for me to function in the 25 year old world with all of these thoughts and feelings within me that make me feel 12. And I think it's hard for those around me to understand. They try, but really they just think I'm choosing to act young. I do my best to control the moodiness, the temper tantrums I have, the awkwardness, but I'm realizing some it is just beyond my control.

I have days I just want to be alone. I have days when I need lots of attention. I have days when I see a pretty girl and I blush and lose my words. The worst part is feeling insecure. It's very strange and new feeling for me. I've never been known to be a person that was insecure. I believe in myself. I'm outgoing, social, a public speaker, have friends from all walks of life, know how to relate to people, never had a problem meeting people to date. And now I have some new personna currently that has been created by these feelings of insecurity. I question everything in a way I never have before, and it is making me crazy. I don't know what to do with this feeling or how to get rid of it. And then on top of everything, I feel like I never know what mood is coming my way.

I kind of feel like I have no idea how I'm going to be day to day.
I don't like to wake up and be in a bad mood for the day, but sometimes it happens. And it's hard for me to admit I don't have control over some of this because I am such a believer that people have such power and control over their lives. I am such a strong believer in people taking action to correct what they don't like in life. I can't stand people who play the victim or who feel powerless, because we each have so much power within us. So for me to feel like I have so much power and then to feel powerless some days is rather defeating. I feel like a walking contradiction.

My doctors reassure me though that this is normal and that I just need to do the best I can to cope with the rollercoaster I'm on because it will get better and it will get easier. I just don't know when exactly.

The only thing constant about me that remains constant is my desire to have sex. No matter what kind of mood I'm in or how I'm feeling emotionally, I'm always wanting to have sex. Sometimes that can be exciting, but somedays it's a nightmare. It can be a real nuisance. I was a pretty sexual person before I started transitioning, I wouldn't say that I needed anything to added to that side of things. And now I feel like my sex drive has quadrupled, if that was even possible.

So, this is a lot to put myself through, I realize, as I reflect and reread this blog to myself. But, it's worth it to me. I'm still achieving the results I am after and in some other ways, I'm feeling a lot better about myself.

Some feelings of insecurity that I used to have are now gone. I didn't enjoy being perceived as a butch lesbian. I wasn't ashamed of it, it just didn't match how I feel about myself and who I really am. Now that I'm perceived as a male on a day to day basis, I am more relaxed, more calm, and at ease. That part feels great. Getting checked out by people as a male feels great also. I think I'll end it on that positive note :)

My 3rd article has been published!!

I'm happy to announce that my third article has been published. You can read it by following this link. http://www.inlamagazine.com/1121/features/feat_2.html

Enjoy!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was interesting this year. First off, it was my first Thanksgiving as a man and that felt somewhat liberating.

I spent the first part of my day with the Silvers Family, a family of 5 children and a mom that have always been closer to me than my own family. The oldest of the 5 children is 27 or 28, and the youngest is about to be 18. I cherish all of them dearly. I am close with all of them and some of them live out of town so it was nice to have them all back in one house for the holiday. For some of them, it was their first time seeing me at all since I started transitioning and they all handled it so well. Each of them are incredibly supportive. They just know and love me as me, and whatever I choose to be or choose not to be is totally fine by them. I couldn't have asked for a warmer welcoming. They asked me questions about how I take the hormones and what changes I've noticed and they commented on how much they like my facial hair. :)

After I got to spend some time with them, it was off to Angie's house, my mom's best friend. I was told that there were going to be a lot of different people at Angie's house, some of Angie's family, some of her and my mom's friends, so kind of a random group. And I was slightly nervous. I had a feeling my mom wasn't going to talk about my transition with anyone or warn them ahead of time and I was right. I was going back and forth about whether or not I was going to shave my face for the occasion, and I decided not to. I really didn't want to shave and the only reason I was going to consider shaving was so that I didn't have to come out to a bunch of people and make the holiday about me and my transition. But that would just be avoiding reality. So, I didn't shave and I walked in sporting my scruffy face. When I walked in the door and saw some familiar faces, it was a little awkward. I could tell by the way some people were looking at me that they clearly had not been told. But it was ok. No one shunned me or looked at me in an unsupportive way. I mostly just got looks of people putting the pieces together, like Jamie has a beard now, oh so that must mean Jamie is male. It went more smoothly then I thought it would, though I was slightly put off by my mom's attitude of avoidance. I got to spend some time with my sister and her children which was nice also. They were a good distraction for me as I was feeling like all eyes were on me for a little while. I also got to catch up with a childhood buddy of mine. He is Angie's son and was my best friend in the world when I was younger. He was also really supportive which was important to me. I also spent my time chit chatting with him and catching up. Another nice distraction.

After I was at Angie's, I then returned to the Silvers house for dessert. When we are all together, we like to sing as a family. Each year we sing some songs from Rent, an this year we also sang a little bit from Wicked. Each year I would normally sing a duet with Joanna (the musical theatre major of the family, and an aspiring Broadway Star). We usually sing "Take me or Leave me", but this year was different. I can no longer sing those notes so we decided to have me sing the reprise of "I'll cover you". And I did it, and I hit all of the notes. And they all applauded so loudly and said, "Congratulations, this is your celebration into manhood. You've officially become a man". I got teary eyed. It was awesome. They just love me and were so supportive. They as a whole, don't think twice about accepting people as they are. They are truly the most loving people I know. So, they really made my Thanksgiving a happy one, the happiest one I've had in a long time.

Here's a quick Vlog update

some kind of fluke

Today I went to go fill my prescription of the testosterone gel/cream at Walgreens. It usually costs me $300 for the one month supply, but today, by some miracle, my insurance covered $260 of it!! So, I think it was some kind of fluke, but I'm not sure. I can't imagine a medical reason that my stingy insurance company would cover testosterone gel for a "female". In any event, I'm just thankful I saved some money. That was nice.

Today at the gym my quads felt like they were in fire. I was on the elliptical, and the spot where I gave myself my last injection, on my right quad, started cramping terribly. I've never felt a muscle cramp like this. It is the kind of cramp I've only experienced in my toes randomly, in the middle of the night. You know the kind, where your toe cramps and your foot cramps so badly, your toe is able to get stuck by itself pointing in some weird direction, and it hurts like a bitch! Well, that is what occurred today in my right qaud and I thought I was going to fall off of the elliptical. After a few stops and restarts though, the cramp finally went away on its own. I love puberty.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is so soon. We are doing it in a weird style this year. Usually, we go to my Aunt Sherri's house, but this year, we aren't. Instead, we are going to my mom's best friend's house. I'm not that excited though because I have a feeling a lot of random people and families will be there as well, and they will be people who haven't heard about me at all, or if they even know who I am, they will not have heard about my transition. I'm fine with coming out on my own and owning who I am, but I wish when it came to my mom's close friends, that she were comfortable enough to talk to them about my transition and to inform them.

So, I'm hesitant to just show up there with my 5 o'clock shadow, but I don't want to have to shave for the occasion either. I want to be able to be me, to come out to people if necessary, but not to make the holiday all about me and my transition at the same time. There's a delicate balance I need to strike, and I'm not sure at all how to go about doing it.

I really felt like most of my coming out days were over since mostly everyone knows. But I forget about the holidays when you see a million people you don't normally see and what not. It's stressing me out because I don't even know who I'm goin to run into at this point.

I'll just have to take each moment and each person as they come I suppose.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm having some internet problems at home currently, that are impairing my ability to upload videos. They keep timing out. I hope to have that fixed asap because I have some new videos to post.

One of the videos is a quick interview with two girls, Danielle and Brittany, that I grew up with. We have all known each other since we were 3 or 4. I asked them how they felt about my transition, what they struggle with most, how they feel about it overall, stuff like that. And I can't wait to share the video with everyone.

a little down

I've just been trying to stay busy by studying my ass off for my exam. I'm not even sure that I'm going to be ready to take it. Even after all of this preparation, I'm considering postponing it. I really don't want to, so we'll just see what happens as I get closer to the exam.

Some good news though... I went with my mother and my sister to get a pedicure and a manicure ( I like to be a well-groomed gentleman :P ). We went to a place where my mom is well known. I had never been there before and my mom introduced me as her son and used male pronouns the entire time I was there. This was a huge accomplishment. I hope she is finally turning the corner and getting to a point where she won't revert back to her old ways.

My facial hair is a little less "spotty" these days. It's starting to fill in. And my eyebrows look like "man" brows now. I used to have incredibly girly, arched eyebrows, so it's been a process to get them to where they are today. I have a great esthetician who I have been seeing since I was 12. Her name is Marina and she is very accepting of me so thats comforting as well.

I've also started working out more and I can already tell a difference in my body. Literally the shape of my entire body is changing. I can totally tell that my hips are different for sure. It's so strange, but I just look in the mirror and I look different all over. My tshirts are even fitting me differently. I know part of this is due to weight loss, but some of it is also due to the T I think.

The dose of T that I inject myself got doubled, but now I do it less frequently. I used to give myself .5 cc every week. Now I give myself 1 cc every three weeks. I felt a huge surge in energy and spirit after the injection, now it's starting to wear off a little more. I also use the gel that rubs into my skin daily and that seems to help.

But as I get further into the transition, my moods are just a nightmare. I am so up and so down and I really wish that would level out some more. I do have stress in life that is also adding to the pile, but, it's still a lot to deal with even when nothing is going on.

This round of puberty is much worse than my first one. I know I'm going through it for a good reason and for the end result that I'm looking forward to, but being in the actual transition right now and dealing with all of this weighs on me.

I am just so moody, most of the time, for no good reason at all. And I find the people around me at a loss for how to deal with me sometimes. I think it really is hard for people to grasp that I am an adult going through puberty and that some of this just cannot be helped. It truly is physiological in nature. I'm doing my part to cope with it, therapy, writing, reading, talking, exercise, and even with my best foot forward, it can still sometimes get in the way.

That would be my biggest complaint of the transition overall. I don't like feeling awkward randomly, losing my words, feeling insecure for no good reason, but I think if I can just learn to accept it all for now and not be so hard on myself, that that may help it ease up a bit. As mentioned before, I am a harsh self critic. Aren't we all though?

That's the scoop for now.

busy busy busy

My LSAT exam is one month away! That is crazy! I have been studying a lot for this exam and I have a lot riding on it.

That said, I'm sorry I haven't been better about blogging. As soon as this exam is over, I hope to be back on track. For the time being though, I am aiming to update my blog once a week.

This week I'm feeling very crabby. I had to skip my t shot for the week because my doctor wants my blood drawn, and he wants to see what my testosterone level is at without my next injection. I am feeling withdrawals from it and it's making me a cranker pants!

I'm having my blood drawn tomorrow though, so after that, I should be feeling better :) I'm nervous to go and have my blood drawn though because I'm going to have to explain that I'm trans. I have to explain it usually because I have to fill out the forms to bill my medical insurance and according to my insurance I am still female. That really bothers me and I wish I could change that stuff already, but I have to wait to legally change my sex until I've had a surgery of some sort, and that won't be happening for at least another 6 months.


When I do get to do my shot tomorrow, my dose has gone up. I will be injecting myself with 1cc of t, but I will only be doing that every three weeks. And, I will be using a half tube of the testim gel daily. The gel has really been helping level me out. When I wasn't using the gel and just injecting myself weekly, I would feel a surge of energy and goodness at the beginning of each week, and then it would level off and have me feeling kind of crappy towards the end of the week. So, the gel kind of helps me stay more even keeled and it's nice.

My facial hair is coming in thicker around my chin, but not necessarily thicker around my whole face so thats kind of irritating. I mean I sport a pretty nice 5 o clock shadow, but I would like it to come in evenly. Doctor says that should be happening soon, especially because my dose is increasing.

My body seems like it is changing shape some more also. I just feel like my pants sit differently around my waist. I don't know how else to describe it.

I'm still binding everyday, which can get irritating, but its necessary if I want to pass so I just suck up and deal.

I saw a school psychologist last week and was tested for learning disabilities. It turns out I actually have one, and its directly related to math, which has always been and continues to be my worst subject. So, in some ways I feel better knowing that there is a rational, logical reason I always did so poorly and struggled in math.

My mother and some of my close friends are still struggling to call me "He". And now that I wear a 5 o clock shadow on my face pretty much everyday, now its become really embarrassing to be referred to as a "She". My mom did it yesterday while we were shopping in the mens section of a store, and the clerk looked at her like she was senile. I laughed, but at the same time, I just wish she could get it right. Some days she tries, but most days I feel like she is still fighting against me.

Those are the updates for now. I will try to post a talking video later!

6 month mark!

I've officially been on hormones now for 6 months!

I'm ok, thanks everyone

I'm doing ok now. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me after reading/watching my sad panda blog.

I'm just still dealing with a lot of personal issues/demons. I'm on a transition physically,emotionally, and spiritually, and sometimes it all just catches up with me.
I'm trying so hard to change the things I don't like about myself and the way I handle relationships, romantic,familial, and the like. And sometimes I'm not pulling my weight or doing the things I really need to do, and other times I'm pushing too hard. I'm learning that in life things really are about balance, equilibrium, and I'm still figuring out how to find my balance with all of it. And I'm a very sensitive person too, and I'm trying to balance being sensitive and upset about something legitimate, and being upset for no reason at all. I am learning to choose my battles and fight wisely instead of choosing to fight everyone and everything. But sometimes, to do all of these things at once, feels impossible. So, then I try to separate them and deal with them each on their own, but they really are intertwined and can't be separated. Trial and Error seems to be the method I've chosen. .

"Mama said there'd be days like this" is the quote that comes to mind to describe it.

Overall though, I'd say things are better, at least for the last few days they have been.

It's also like I'm trying to complete this giant project for school or something, and I just want it to be finished and over with already, and I get impatient. And sometimes when I get impatient, I take it out on other people around me when it's my issue.

I'm sure some of what I am saying is ringing true with some of you even if you aren't transitioning.

Other updates:

I'm going to be speaking to the GLBT group at one of the community colleges I attended 5 years ago. I'm looking forward to that. I'll be speaking about being transgendered . I really do enjoy public speaking so I'm very excited.

My voice is still dropping. Singing has become a little easier over the last two weeks or so, so I'm relieved at that. I just hope it continues to get easier.

I get a lot of compliments from people about how well I sing, and I appreciate that, but it is taking me so much more effort, time, and control. And, when I was a girl, it was a lot more effortless! So, I'm slightly bitter about it, but as I said, it got a little better, so hopefully it continues to.

I'm getting hairier. In some places, that is ok with me. In other places, I feel like I'm hairy enough. But I can't really pick and choose where the hair comes in, so I just have to go with it. lol

My muscles have started to feel achy and shifty, if that makes any sense. It feels like I have growing pains, only I'm not getting any taller, my body is just shifting some stuff around.

I pass for a boy pretty much everywhere I go now, though mostly I think still as a gay boy, which is fine by me.

It is funny to witness though sometimes when I can tell someone is looking at me like I'm a gay guy. When I'm out with my girlfriend, I can totally tell when I'm receiving looks from oncomers and they are thinking "that boy is gay, why is he holding hands with that girl?".. I just laugh to myself. I know people are sensing I'm "different" than just a typical, straight male sometimes, and that's ok, I just know that if all the strangers I had encountered received the proper explanation, I think they'd understand why they sensed "weird, not so typical male" when they saw me, and wouldn't think I was a gay guy.

I'm still studying for my LSAT exam, which is in December. I wish I felt like a rockstar and really solid about it, but I don't. It's just one more thing to add to the pile of shit I need to work on and work toward. It is what it is though. If I don't do well after putting in the time and studying, then it wasn't meant to be. So, we'll just have to see what happens.

Those are the main updates for now!

Sometimes when words alone fail me, I sing

I'm sad today because I hurt someone that I love very much. I hurt them and continue to keep hurting them. And when they hurt, I in turn hurt as well. I hate that. I hate that when you hurt someone you can't take the pain away, the apology is not effective, especially if it is overused, and you're just stuck, hoping that time, love, and hard work will take it away. Actions do speak louder than words and I just need to make sure my actions are the ones I want and ought to be demonstrating.

Sorry it's been so long

Sorry it has been so long since my last update.

Since my last update, I helped move my mother out of her house, started studying with two tutors for the LSAT.

I'm hoping to pick up the guitar in the next month or so as well. I'm hoping to treat myself to that as a reward for studying hard :)

So, the short and the skinny on me and my transition..

well, these last few weeks I don't think I've seen much physical change within me. The only change that I continue to see and that is really bothering me is my voice dropping, only it doesn't just drop. It gets squeaky and awkward, sometimes raspy, and is making it very very difficult to sing, which is depressing me. I used to have a pretty good female voice and I always used to sing, for fun, to relieve stress, whatever. And now that I can't really sing without a struggle, I need to find a new outlet, which is why I'm looking into playing the guitar.

I mostly pass in public these days for a guy and the voice is definitely helping that.


I just wish I could cut my boobs off already. I wish there weren't requirements about when and how to have surgery. But I know it's in my best interest to wait so that I can lose weight and be on hormones for a year and be sure it's what I want to do.

But I'm telling you, some days they really get to me, especially in the summer and when it's warm out.

I long for the day I can walk anywhere, anytime, without a shirt on and have a male chest.

Oh, and I should mention, that because my boobs are so big, I wear an uncomfortable binder everyday, and that is getting old. Even with it on, my boobs still look kind of obvious in some shirts, so I also try to leave my face scruffy and with a shadow so that I pass more easily.

The other day though, I shaved my face and then I went to the grocery store and the cashier called me ma'am.....And it was like I went into shock...I've been called "HE" so often that to hear a stranger call me she was so weird. I corrected him and said "HE", so I guess now he thinks I'm a gay guy, which most people think anyway.

And, I'm one step closer to telling the rest of my family (that I don't really talk to) about my transition..

I called my father today and he asked what was wrong with me and my voice. He said I sounded like I had a cold. I told him that it was possible I did and then I attempted to make a plan to meet up with him.

I'm not close to him in the least, but I do believe that when revealing any kind of big news, it's best to do it in person. So, that's what I'm going to do.

And with the other members of my family, well, my mother has committed me to attending Rosh Hashanah with them (jewish new year), and that is next week Tuesday. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going, but if I do, then it will all come out there. I feel like once they see me it will be obvious because they haven't seen me in a year or so.

But, I do have to say, that I have caught up with some old friends and I got mixed reactions. Some could totally tell I was a boy now, and others said I hadn't changed at all. I think its interesting that the reactions are on both sides of the spectrum rather than bunched up in the middle.

I got to talk with my friend Brittany's mom and that was an interesting conversation. She told me that she wasn't surprised at me transitioning in the least and she's very supportive. She told me when I was little and played house with Brittany, I always wanted to be the Dad or the dog. I guess I chose the dog because the dog could be seen as gender neutral....lol oy

And when I've gotten to sit down with a woman who has been like a mother to me, Wendy, I've also received interesting feedback. She pushes me emotionally to challenge myself, my inner being, the "depth" of me, my emotions, etc. Her report that is some of the issues I have are very "male"..in that I'm stubborn, sometimes controlling, that kind of stuff.

Another thing I seem to be struggling with is the ability to cry, and my doctor says that could definitely be from the testosterone.

I used to be able to cry when something really upset me. The tears would just come, I'd cry, and then I'd feel a release.

These days I need to have a good cry, maybe even for no good reason at all, but the tears just don't come.

I've had a few reasons to cry really hard and nothing happens. It's like I feel upset, but not as much as I used to, and not enough to cry in the least. And sometimes when I am upset, I try to push myself to cry, and still nothing happens.

I'm one of the most sensitive people on this Earth, so for me to struggle with crying is so confusing. In some ways, I'm glad I don't cry so easily, but I still want the ability to cry. And I don't really know how I go about fixing that one. I guess I'll just have to hope that I'm still adjusting and transitioning, and that I will level out.

In addition to that, I might also mention that I think about sex A LOT more than I ever used to. It's kind of like I can't help it sometimes..and that is really weird to deal with also.

Ok, and now for my favorite thing to share with you all...

So my sister has been really good at teaching her kids (Hannah and Jordan, my niece and nephew) to call me "Jamie" and "He". Well, Hannah is still learning HOW to speak in general. So we've been trying to teach her my name, having her sound it out, whatever it takes. She hadn't really been calling me much of anything. And when I went there the other day, Pam said "Who's that Hannah?" and pointed to me, and Hannah said "Guy". At first I thought it was a fluke, I mean I laughed my ass off, but I thought she was just confused, like maybe she was pointing out A GUY vs. A GIRL, no no.
She calls me GUY every time I see her, and I think she thinks she is saying Jamie. It's hilarious, and ironic.

I will try to post some videos tomorrow so you can see just how beautiful I am these days :)

thoughts

In everyday life, I tend to feel lost

Trying to find the I the ME the We

Riding this roller coaster is one heavy burden

but i think about what I am going to see when I get off of the ride

The other part of me that I have waited so long for.

But there are those times on the ride that make me queasy, make me dizzy with worry, anxiety

and all I can do is hang on tight

no one else is on the ride with me, I have only myself

I can wave to the other people who can see me from a distance on the ride

they smile, wave, cheer me on, but that is all they can do

they can't take away the intensity, the feelings that the ride brings

they offer their support in all the ways they can, but its from a distance.

I'm unreachable, untouchable, unable to communicate from where I am.

I have only me.

And its scary.


I'm learning and understanding myself in a whole new way. I have to take apart everything that I was and rebuild anew. I need to rebuild the inside and the outside of me.

I've learned so much already in such a short period of time. I'm learning what makes me tick, what I really want in life, what I'm capable of achieving, the way my mind works, the issues I have and where they come from, and most importantly, how to confront everything that hasn't been confronted already.


I like that I can sense the wheels turning and the forward motion of my progress. I like that I am pushing myself to search, to question, to resolve, to forgive. I am slowly chipping away at the "rock" that has lived within me my whole life, that still pile of "stuff" that I just kept storing and didn't want to face or deal with.

It's like I opened the door half way to pull out my gender issues and to start transitioning, and so it would only make sense that the rest of the stuff hidden behind a half open door would begin to fall out.

My first reaction was to try to stuff it back inside, but, a part of me sensed it was time to begin sorting and dealing and discovering.

As I start to look at all of the stuff, I realize I don't know what half of it is or where it came from, I only know I didn't want to deal with it and didn't know how to throw it out so I just stored it.

And now I'm taking my time, sorting through it all, piece by piece. And I feel a sense of relief that I'm finally facing it all. It feels better to struggle in facing it all then to continue to just let it all sit there in a bunched up pile.

I'm awake and conscious, feeling everything entirely, for the first time ever in my life. I am putting bad habits of anger, resentment, stubbornness, and denial aside in order to get to the root of myself. I'm instead trying to focus on all of the good, the goals I want to achieve, and setting a path to get there.

And it's about time. :)

The Chiropractor

Ok,

so while I'm on this kick to overall health and wellness, my girlfriend suggested that I go to the chiropractor with her last week, Friday. She called ahead to get us both in.

I was nervous to have to come out to yet another medical professional, especially one that was located in Suburbia and not affiliated with a well known hospital or anything. I was scared that they would have a negative reaction to me.

I knew I had to come out to them though if I wanted treatment because my medical insurance still says that I'm female, so in order to process the claims, I would have to be upfront.

And so I was. And they really handled it very well I think. The chiropractor's wife was the receptionist/office manager and was really great. She called me "he" from the beginning and so did the rest of her employees and they did so without reservation or judgment which was very nice.

When I had my actual exam with the chiro himself, I told him on his own and in a very matter of fact way. I could sense he was uncomfortable, but handled it well also. HE continued with my exam and treatment plan and still continued to make small talk.

I think he may have been taken aback because he never would have guessed I was born female. I had a full five o clock shadow the day I saw him last week.

Then I went back to the chiro again today. And today, I had a massage with a massage therapist named Jaime. We talked about how she spelled hers JAIME and I spell mine JAMIE. She said, "Well, of course you spell yours that way, you are a boy silly!" And I was happy she saw me as a boy, but I also knew in that moment she had no idea I was trans.

I had to get undressed for my massage, and I decided to just leave on my boxers. I laid face down on the table, and then she came in and we started.

As she began the massage, she ran her hand across the middle of my back where there was an indentation from my sports bra and she said, "Were you laying on something that left a mark in your back?" I was like, "yeah". I knew I was going to have to tell her about me, especially if I ended up getting a full body massage later (I was only having my back and hip worked on today).

The massage continued and she asked me about my girlfriend and how we met, if I thought she was the one, if I wanted children, the typical get to know you questions. And she was telling me not to get Rebecca pregnant unless I was sure I wanted to have children, and that I'm lucky we have had no accidents yet, things like that.

We had a very easy going, flowing conversation. She answered the questions for me as well.

She was working on my back and telling me I was going to have to flip over so she could work on my hip more. And that is when I got really nervous. She would be looking for a flat chest and a bulge in my boxers that I didn't have. But she said she'd be working on my back for a while so we would get to the hip later.

Then as the conversation continued, she kept bringing up her gay guy friends, about how one of them was in denial for a long time, he finally came out and was comfortable with himself, how she knows a gay couple in Madison, etc.

And she's doing this assuming I'm a heterosexual, biological male.

I've had many people do this before. And I know it's because I come off as a gay guy to most people. I do have feminine qualities and I'm somewhat flamboyant, and I'm totally ok with that. But it's important for me to establish with people who I am and where I've come from so that they don't feel the need to label me as a gay guy who is afraid to come out. Once they understand that I am a transman, they have a better understanding of who I am.

So, I know she's totally trying to make me feel comfortable, and tell me it's ok to be gay.

And this is when I decided I had to tell her about me because clearly she had no idea.

When she asked me why I moved back to Illinois I had just briefly said LA wasn't for me right now.

I decided to expand by telling her I went to LA to transition from female to male and that I started hormones.

She was shocked, but not bad shocked, good shocked really. She was like, "Oh my god, I never would have guessed!! Really?? Are you sure??" And then she's like, "So do you still have a va jay jay and boobs?" And I was like, "yes, and that is what that mark on my back is from. I was wearing a sports bra and binder."

She was very supportive and thought it was really cool. She asked questions and wanted to know more. She was a little more blunt than most people are when they first find out, but I appreciated it.


Once I was done with the massage and got dressed, she definitely was taking a second look at me and I could see her studying me, probably trying to see the "female" in me, trying to see how she could have ever missed the fact that I was female first.


Now that she knows though, I'm sure I can relax more when she's massaging me. I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything or lacking anything that she might be looking for, which is good.

I then got adjusted by the chiro when I was done with the massage. He was nice. Whenever he addresses me, he calls me buddy. How are you feeling buddy? How was your weekend buddy? Good to see you buddy!

So, another good experience on the books. I'm very surprised but happy.

And I saw the new therapist and the LSAT tutor

Today was an eventful day.

I started therapy with a new therapist who specializes in gender issues and so far, I love her.

She seems to really know her stuff, she's written and published 3 books, including a medical text book.

After meeting with me for only an hour, I've deemed her the "guru" all on things gender related. She really has devoted her life to studying all issues dealing with gender and I find her to be incredibly knowledgeable. She also happens to be the wife of my new doctor! I love that they are this married, heterosexual couple that just happen to specialize in treating people with gender issues.

My actual therapy with her though was somewhat emotional. She was easy to talk to, and learned right away the right questions to ask to get me to talk.

I gave her the whole history of me, and in doing so, it made me emotional. I didn't think it would at all. But I guess as I sit here and think about it, it makes sense that it would be emotional to recount to someone else your entire life history, all of the issues you have personally, where they started, where they are going, how I came to terms with my gender issues.

It was also a very freeing experience. It felt safe and comfortable. I could say anything and it was as if she knew what I was talking about and had heard it before, obviously a much different experience than talking to Barrie, my old therapist, who judged me and made me feel like I was losing my mind.

The new therapist stressed to me some very important points also. She talked a lot about my transition on the inside vs. the outside. She told me this transition would be something I need to also grow with and into emotionally, and I couldn't agree more, but at the same time, it was a little scary to me for some reason. I think because I just realized in her office once again, how my entire life is in transition and it's up to me to make it what I want it to be and to work hard for the changes I want.

From therapy, I went to meet my new tutor for the LSAT. The tutor is very nice and she is easy to understand for the most part so that's good. I think just actually getting started on the studying itself was stressful. I see how far I have to go and also how hard I need to work for this too.

It was a productive day overall though and I'm happy about that.

I should also mention that I came out to my dentist yesterday and he handled it rather well. He seemed pretty comfortable for the most part and asked me questions about how I feel on the hormones, how often I'm taking them, etc. It was nice that I could talk with him about it.

I also made an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed by the woman I've seen since I was 12. My sister sees her now and told her about my transition. She knows I'm coming in to have her re-shape my eyebrows, but in a metrosexual, male kind of way. That appointment is next week.

Not much else to report. It sounds like I have a cold when I talk now, and I think as time goes on, that is going to get worse for a little while. I also have a sore throat during the day sometimes as well. The singing is still not coming as easily as it was, but all of this will clear up in time. I just have to be patient.

So, here are some new videos.

Enjoy!

New city, new doctor

I went to my new doctor in Illinois yesterday and I have to say that I am very fond of him. He is very thorough. He has a lot of trans patients and he's completely comfortable talking about all of the issues, medication, surgeries, everything. Most importantly, he didn't make me feel rushed in the least. He took the time to talk to me, answer all of my questions, all of Rebecca's questions, and it was great. So, I'm happy and feeling more comfortable knowing that I have a medical professional I can talk to about anything.

Aside from the doctor, it has been a hellish two weeks or so. My mood swings have gotten worse this past week, and I never thought that was possible. I go from being in a pleasant and fine mood, to absolute anger, sadness, confusion. I just try to ride the wave, and I eventually come down, but it is quite a ride. I feel myself being impossible and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it except take space from everyone to deal with myself. And I guess the hardest part is having to answer to everyone around me why I'm acting the way I am, and its hard to answer the world when you can't answer yourself. I sometimes feel helpless and that does me no good. I'm also more volatile and aggressive, I get angry pretty easily. I've always gotten angry easily, so being provoked by hormones also doesn't help. I'd say I'm really trying to learn self control in a whole new way. I do have a temper, and I've struggled most of my life to keep it under control, and now its an even greater struggle.

I guess I'd also have to say that I think I'm having communication issues. I have always thought of myself as someone who communicates so clearly and efficiently. It is why I'm able to be a successful public speaker. However, I've noticed in the recent months that maybe I'm not as strong at communicating as I think I am. I seem to think I'm saying one thing, and it comes out as completely another. I think I'm also interpreting things differently than I should. And this has become a big frustration for me. I lack the clarity and the ability to be as articulate as I once was. I know that some of it is due to the transition and hormones and being inhibited by feelings of awkwardness and puberty,and I hope that is all that it is, but who knows? I guess time will tell. I need to be a lot more aware of what it is I'm trying to say, how I'm saying it, and how I interpret when people talk to me.


I addressed some of these issues with the doctor (moodiness, feelings of awkwardness,etc). He helped me to understand that it is normal and it will get better.

I've been given some testosterone cream that I am going to use in small doses each day in addition to my shots that are once a week. Hopefully, this takes the "edge" off. The doctor's thinking is that some of the severity of the mood swings are due to the fact my body is needing the next dose of testosterone. I've noticed that that pattern holds true so far. I find myself the moodiest and ugliest 2-3 days before my next t shot is supposed to happen. So, hopefully, this cream does what he says it will do.

He wants me to switch over to using just the cream instead of injecting myself. He believes that having a steady, small dose of testosterone daily might help take away more of the moodiness.

I would like to but two things are holding me back. One, there is a huge increase in price for the cream vs. the shot (he didn't tell me what the cost was, but I'm guessing its at least $100 more a month). Second problem is, that being in close, skin to skin contact with any female could make them infertile. The doctor said it was highly unlikely and I'd have to have skin to skin contact within the first 15 minutes of rubbing the cream on me, but it makes my girlfriend extremely worried and its not worth it to me to put her through that to switch over entirely. I'm only using a pea sized amount of the cream now and I'm trying to put it in places that stay covered under my clothes, and we are struggling with just that.


And now that I'm home in Chicago, it's time to come out to the rest of my family, including my father. I'm not sure how to go about coming out to them. I'm thinking of sending them the two articles I had published and perhaps a link to my blog. It's not that I'm afraid to tell them, it's that they are not important enough to me to take the time really. I think that is sad, but true. They have not played significant roles in my life and the only reason I feel I should tell them is so that in the case I see them for a holiday or two, they use the proper pronouns and are not thrown off. I also want to tell them because some of them see my niece and nephew and they say "Auntie Jamie" instead of "Uncle" or just "Jamie", and I don't want the kids to become any more confused.


As far as physical changes go, my voice is cracking BIG TIME. I'm having a very hard time singing at all. I can't hit the high notes I used to, and when I try to hit the new low notes that I usually can, I'm struggling with that also. I randomly crack and squeak and that also has been frustrating. I love to sing. It is one of my passions, and not being able to do so properly is bothering me. But I just keep trying to sing through what I can, learn to have more breath control, and we'll see what happens. I have good days and bad.

I'm getting hairier also. I was already hairy to begin with, so now I'm going to be a really typically hairy, Jewish guy. I'm ok with it though :)

My facial hair continues to get thicker, although it's still kind of coming in in patches. When I grow out the 5 o clock shadow, it covers most of my face, but not all.

I've also developed a little redness on the right side of my face and the doctor prescribed some ointment for that, but I have yet to use it. I didn't like all of the side effects it listed, so we'll see.

I continue to have muscle aches, cramps, tightness, etc. I can still feel my body changing shape each week. I'm definitely noticing this week that my arms are bigger and my shoulders are broader.

My appetite is also increasing. I need to eat immediately after I wake up which is not how I used to be.

Here are some videos I just recorded yesterday. I think you can tell pretty clearly that I'm struggling to sing and that my voice is lower.

Enjoy!

I'm finally home

Sorry it has taken me so long to blog. I drove cross country from LA to Chicago, and what an interesting journey that was.

I changed the sex on my California driver's license to say Male instead of Female, and until it arrives, I am driving on a temporary, paper license. And that made the road trip to Chicago more interesting when I got pulled over in UTAH for speeding.

The officer was actually really nice. He took the paper license, gave me a ticket, and mostly sent us on our way. It was a little confusing though because on his copy of my ticket, my information printed out with "FEMALE" on it, but then he crossed it out and wrote male when he saw my paper license. But then when he was headed back to his car, he said something to my girlfriend about making sure she "slows HER down" (referring to me). So truthfully, I have no idea what gender he thought I was. And it could have been really bad, but it actually went really well, except for the part where I got the ticket.

Overall though, the road trip was smoothly. No other tickets, mishaps, or car trouble, so I'm thankful for that. I think I'm not the road tripping kind of guy. I like to just get where I am going.

A day or two after I arrived in Chicago, I went traveling again. This time, I went to Canada. It was my first time and I had a blast. I went to Niagara Falls.

I was nervous crossing the border because my passport says female still, but they really didn't question it at all. I was with a few other people which I think made it easier as well.

My passport wasn't required to get into Canada, but I'm still using a paper driver's license so I needed a photo ID of some sort.

Now I'm back from Canada, and trying to get back into the swing of things here at home.

I'm happy to report that my mother has been unusually cooperative in the last two visits I've had with her this week. She met my new girlfriend, and has been attempting to say "HE" and call me her son. THIS IS HUGE. I know she is struggling, but the fact that she is making the effort at all means a lot. I hope she continues to.

My sister has also been great. She's been reinforcing that I am a boy to my niece and nephew, and also trying hard to switch pronouns.

So, my homecoming so far has been totally unexpected and very much appreciated.

I'm also currently on the hunt for a new doctor and therapist. I have a few recommendations that I am going to follow up on in the next couple of days.

And other than that, it's time to bury myself in the house and study for my LSAT exam.

In terms of my actual transition and physical changes, my voice continues to play tricks on me. Some days I feel it going deeper and coming in stronger, other days I feel raspy and have a sore throat. I still struggle most days with my singing voice. Randomly, I crack and have breaks in my voice where I didn't used to. I'm also trying to teach myself to breathe in different ways to hit the lower notes. Sometimes it is really frustrating, but I know in the end, it will all be fine. It's just that literally, I'm like a 12 year old boy, and that's ok, as long as it isn't permanent.

My body continues to have tightness and cramping, especially in my legs. Still feel like I'm having growing pains. I'm sure I need to be taking more vitamins to help with that though.

The hair on my face, arms, armpits, and legs is starting to come in more and thicker. Looks like I'm going to be the typical hairy jewish guy :)

My appetite is also weird. I wake up very early in the morning from hunger pains sometimes and now I enjoy eating a large breakfast usually consisting of some type of omelette. I didn't used to be a real breakfast person.

My moods continue to be up and down. I feel strong surges of emotion at random times of day and sometimes when I should feel a strong surge of emotion, I don't. That continues to be frustrating and not easy to deal with, but I'm just trying to ride the wave and deal. I think the more I am aware of it, the easier it becomes to deal with until it passes.

I think that about sums up everything going on with me for now. :)

Thoughts about LA

So,

today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!

It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.

In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.

My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.

I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.

I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.

He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.

I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.

So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.

My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.

Ok, now off to pack some more!

Everything is coming together

Finally,

I am happy to report that I think things are starting to come together more. I took a lot of time to think, ponder, change my mind a million and a half times, and I've made some important decisions in the past week.

I was about to sign a lease in LA for the next nine months. And I just couldn't do it. I had people around me questioning why I was committing to LA another 9 months and what I had here, and the answer was, I don't know, and I don't feel like I have much if anything at all.

I gave LA my best shot for now. I became disillusioned with the dream of being a comic and what it really takes in a city like this. I also started transitioning and I think ultimately I had to choose one journey over the other. The transition came first, and I'm happy about it. Nonetheless, I'm done with LA as a result.

I need to be near my major support systems and right now, they are in Chicago. So, I have a year to kill while I prepare to take the LSAT in December and then apply to law school. I decided I want to spend that time with my family, close friends, and girlfriend. It's important, ESPECIALLY at this time.

So, I've made my decision. I'm leaving LA next week and I couldn't be more excited.
I'll be driving home this time and I'm kind of looking forward to the road trip. I've never been to some of the states I'll be driving through.

I'm also happy to report that I will be applying for a new driver's license that says I'm a male!!! California is apparently one of the only states that lets you change your sex on your license before you have surgery. I just had to have my doctor here fill out a form. I'm going to apply for my new license tomorrow!!!

I know I'll be driving on a California license in Illinois, but that's ok with me. It's safer for me to have that license saying I'm male now that I fully present as one, then me getting pulled over in the suburbs of Chicago and having a license that says female while I have a 5 o'clock shadow.

Also, I've been asked to write another article for IN LA magazine!!! The first one got a lot of feedback, great reviews, and they like my story. So, I'll be sure to keep you posted on when the next one is published!

It is a little overwhelming to be working 40 hours a week and packing up all my stuff, but it has also been therapeutic. I feel a lot more at peace this week than I have in a long time, and I'm very very grateful.

In terms of physical changes this week, there are a few. Those of you who know me and my singing voice know that one of my favorite tunes to sing at karaoke was Bonnie Rait, Let's Give Em Something to talk about. I'm sad and proud to report that I can no longer hit the high notes in that song!!!! It's crazy!! In one week, I feel like my voice dropped so much!!!

I've also been getting a lot hairier on my legs and my facial hair is coming in thicker. The hair on my head also feels like the texture is changing and like I'm losing some of it....I swear if I get male pattern baldness as a result of this....I'm definitely going to the Hair Club for Men.

The transition of my entire life continues. Stay tuned!!

Emotionally all over the place

So,

I have increased my dose of t to once a week instead of once every two weeks. I was super excited to speed things up now that I am out at work and most of my life knows. However, I am really feeling some major effects this week, and I'm not sure what is going on.

For one, my mood swings are at an all time high. I've got extreme highs and lows going on. And its also affecting the way I communicate with others and treat others. I flipped out on my girlfriend and my best friend within a few days of each other. And when I say flip out, I mean I did so entirely in a disrespectful and destructive manner. And I feel ashamed. And yet I don't know where it came from or why, or how to really prevent it...which is scary. My best friend told me she had never seen me act that way and she was surprised, shocked, etc..but that she understood. She was very understanding and I apologized profusely once I realized just how bad it was. Same goes for my girlfriend.

I truly feel like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. I'm relearning my own body as if it is for the first time. I'm dealing with the mood swings, acne, awkward feelings, inability to communicate effectively, all of it. And it sucks right now. It feels like it just snuck up on me. And as the week ends, I feel a lot worse. My body starts to crave the t, its like I can feel an imbalance and I need my t shot. It's not an addiction, it's more like a crave...like the way I would crave junk food when I got my period...hope that makes sense.

On the days I take my t shot, I feel high as a kite. I feel like a million bucks. But after that first day passes, the awkwardness creeps in, the insecure feelings, I really had no idea I was going to be experiencing all of this in quite this way. And then I'm trying to balance these feelings of puberty in an adult life with adult relationships and a job and its challenging. It's hard to stay in check with everyone else when I can't stay in check with myself. I feel like I'm just supposed to follow the journey and follow the path but sometimes I feel like I get so lost and I don't know where its headed for a little while....and then I somehow re-center and find my way back.

But I feel all of this up and down, lost and found on a weekly basis. And I just HOPE that as my body gets used to having these doses more frequently, I will level out. I need to. I've been so moody and so crabby and I really don't want to be.

Positive changes to note from the increase though...my voice is already dropping more :) One of my co-workers even noticed today so that made me happy. I'm getting more hair on my chest and legs. My facial hair is coming in more and filling in the patches where no hair existed. My muscles are extremely sore and tight, but I can feel them shifting somehow. My arms feel more muscular and so do my calves.

And I pass more for a guy on a daily basis overall. And it feels great. It feels nice to be noticed for who I am. :)

Now I'm still apartment hunting and need to close in on one very soon, like by this weekend. I can't wait to have my own space. I think that will definitely help me be less moody. :)

My weekend and some more updates

Ok,

so since I was in a bit of a funk the other day, I didn't get to go into a lot of detail about my weekend, which I would like to do now.

As I said, I had an incredible weekend and spent time with incredible people, one in particular. Her name is Rebecca and she's from the Chicagoland area. I've known her for a year and only recently did we grow closer.

She came to visit for the 4th of July and I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends of my life with her. I don't want to go into too much depth. I just want to say that I've met someone incredible and I'm very excited to see where this goes. I really wasn't looking for anyone or anything, and that is when it always seems to happen. She's incredibly comfortable with herself, with me, and SUPPORTIVE of me and who I am and this transition. And that is exactly what I need. I'm living proof that when one door closes, another opens. It all goes just the way it is supposed to. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.

I went to therapy last night and I'm starting to figure my stuff out slowly. I have started to semi-develop a plan so thats good. I think I may be heading to law school in the next year or so, which means it's time to get my ass in gear for the LSAT exam. So, I think for the time being I'll stay put in LA while studying for that and planning the rest out. I also don't want to uproot myself while still transitioning at this point. I like my "team", if you will. They are incredibly important to me.

Thank you to those of you who commented with some advice. It was much needed and I did listen. I'm trying to relax,journal, dream, and take it one step at a time.

It's so easy to get all caught up in the anxiety and the questions about what to do and how to do it. But I need to give myself more credit and have more faith in the universe and trust that everything will fall into place.

Overall, things at work are getting better. People are making the effort to use male pronouns and I call them out on it to help them. It's nice not to have to worry about my transition at work now. Being comfortable has allowed me to increase my dosage of testosterone as well so that should speed up the overall process.

I'm already exhibiting more signs. I have more facial hair, more chest hair, my voice is cracking A LOT lately. Although it's an intense process to go through, it feels totally "normal" and "natural" to me overall. Like, I'm just going through puberty to become who I've been meant to be my whole life. That part of it feels good. I've been passing as a man for the most part in my day to day life which is also great.

Emotionally though, I've had a very tough week. My most recent dose of t was on Monday and since then I've felt a surge of random emotions throughout the week. Although I have been having issues that are legit, the t has amplified my reactions to everything, which hasn't exactly been helping. But, I'm hoping increasing my dose will help speed things up and may possibly help me get off the rollercoaster I'm on. My body literally starts to crave the testosterone after a week or so, it's so weird.

My mom is going to be coming to LA in 3 weeks or so to help me find an apartment. I'm nervous about how she is going to react to me because I think I look significantly different than I used to. Should be interesting....I'll be sure to blog on that when it occurs.

That's about it for now.

Now its time to face the rest of my life

I'm apartment hunting and not sure where I want to live. I don't even know if I want to stay in LA. I know I want to remain in LA for maybe 6 more months just to finish transitioning in one place with the same doctors and support I've built myself. But my original goal in moving to LA was to pursue a career in the entertainment industry and I'm just not sure if that is what I want anymore. This transition is about so much more than my physical being. All of me is transforming and while I'm grateful for the experience, it is so much to deal with at once.

Currently, I'm re-evaluating everything in my life, how I look at life, what is important to me, where I want to go. While I feel I have a strong grasp on who I am and what I'm about, I have no idea what I want to do. I had thoughts of going to law school or grad school in the past, and those thoughts are starting to come up on me again. I graduated college a year ago and I feel like time stood still. I don't feel like I'm anywhere I thought I'd be, except for the transitioning.

I'm 25 and I have the world at my feet. I really do. And I have no fucking idea what to do with it all. I'm so scared to commit to grad school or law school and pick the wrong profession. I'm scared to close the door on a career in entertainment. I'm so scared but I'm not doing anything about it and nor do I know what to do about it. And part of me doesn't want to do anything about anything until I'm further along in the transition. So basically I have myself running into walls. And I had another dose of testosterone this morning which definitely could be heightening things. It really feels like going through puberty all over again. I haven't been so touchy in 10+ years!! And I'm choosing to do all of this voluntarily...so I guess that tells us all something. I'm really serious about this.

If anyone has any advice on how to confront the issues of life or words of encouragement or suggestions on how to help me find my way, please feel free to share.

I came out at work!

I'm happy to report that I came out at work today and it was totally unexpected.

I was waiting for my instincts to tell me how and when to tell my co-workers and today the perfect opportunity presented itself. I have a semi-gay co-worker (as he calls himself). He was talking about his issues with being gay and why it's uncomfortable and how he feels about it, and it became kind of a counseling session with the whole office chiming in. And everyone was supportive. Not one person had anything negative to say in any way about being gay. They were all voicing opinions that said be true to yourself, whatever that is. And it was nice. It was like we all bonded.

Then someone brought up the fact that they had watched a special on Barbara Walters' show over the weekend about transgendered youth and kids,etc etc. And everyone was talking about how interesting it was to learn about that and what a struggle it must be to go through something like that. And at that moment, I knew it was time. So, I told them that while we were on the topic that I had something to share with them. And I passed out copies of my magazine article to everyone and let them read. They were all so supportive. I could see them piecing the puzzle together as they got a brief introduction into my life and what the past year has been like for me.

One of my co-workers started crying and hugged me and thanked me for sharing my story. And she told me how its so important to her that there are people like me to share stories and to educate and how much she respected me for putting myself out there. It was very nice to hear. It was truly a blessing in fact.

My other co workers were very supportive also. They asked questions, they wanted to know if they should use male pronouns, if I was changing my name, etc etc.

I had one co worker though who told me I was like the pregnant man on Oprah and that the pregnant man wasn't really a man because he was born a woman. So, she was basically telling me she'd call me HE but always see me as a SHE because that is how I was born. I tried not to let it upset me. I hope to do some more research and educating on the issue with her because her reaction really did affect me. But I tried to stay in the moment and focus on the fact that the majority of my co-workers were really really great.

It made me super emotional. I told my supervisor I was scared I was going to have to quit my job or that I'd lose my job. She told me not to worry and also told me that of all places to work this is the place because everyone is so accepting and all about diversity. She also said she'd start calling me muchacho and amigo instead of muchacha and amiga. It was really sweet.

I cannot believe that it all just happened like that. But I'm thankful it did. And I also think it made my semi-gay co-worker feel better. I think he may be able to see me as a role model because I'm taking the bull by the horns and I've accepted myself for who I am. I think he's a great guy and I hope to become closer to him in the coming months.

Another day another dose

So, today I did another dose of t and I'm feeling this one a lot. My heart kind of speeds up and makes me feel like I want to run a marathon or lift really heavy things and see how long I can hold them. My moods were kind of all over the place today also. I think thats the hardest thing to deal with really. I have a lot of big issues going on in life and having them amplified wouldn't be easy on anyone. So, I'm just trying to take it all in stride.

Today I'm mostly upset about my current living situation. I still live in Peter's living room and it's pretty tough. I've tried to have a really positive attitude and get through it, but today its really getting to me. It's hard to feel homeless. It's hard to rely on people. It's hard to have to live out of suitcases and have no where for your stuff. At the same time, I'm thankful I have somewhere to sleep, but coming from the spoiled life I lead, this is hitting me in some big ways. It is humbling, but it also upsets me.

I came to LA in search of a dream and when I got here 9 months ago, I never could have predicted I'd be where I am currently. I didn't think I'd make it big overnight, but I didn't think I'd be struggling like I am or living in someone else's space instead of my own. Although I was spoiled, I was and still am very self sufficient. I have a strong work ethic and I like to do things for myself without relying on other people. Even allowing myself to live in Peter's space was a battle within me. And now its kind of getting old. Peter is kind of fed up with me living in his space, which is understandable. It's cramped and not good and affecting us both in bad ways. I need to get out.

The question is, where the fuck am I going? Am I supposed to get an apartment and stick it out in LA longer? Am I supposed to go back home and stay with my sister?? Am I going to apply to some program abroad that pays my living expenses? Law school? Grad school? I have no idea. I always tell myself to stay put until I know what my plan is, but I feel like I've been saying that for the last 9 months. And its frustrating to feel like I'm supposed to be moving in a direction and going nowhere.

Someone who I recently became close with helped me realize that maybe my journey to LA was not about the career in comedy, but about my transition. It was about getting away from everything that was in my way and giving me the space I need to grow and change into the me I want to be and am. And having recently accepted that thought, it does ring true and bring me some peace. Thank you for helping me realize that Rebecca.

I've also established a real sense of independence that I think I was lacking my whole life. I've really learned how to take care of myself and what I need to be ok. I'm still a work in progress on that, but I'm at least learning and taking copious notes.

And yet, even with the growth I've achieved, I'm still never happy, the harsh self critic within me always has the loudest opinion.

So its just been one of those days of reflection that begs the questions from me to myself over and over again.

I have the moments where I tell myself its ok to not know where I'm going, but I do also still have the moments where I freak out. I have control issues. I like having a plan. I like to know ahead of time what I'm doing and I'm learning in the hardest way possible, that life is not going to give me that every time, if ever.


Trying to find your place in the universe is a lot more challenging than I ever thought it would be. I think I just need to take more time to listen to what it is trying to tell me.

I also need to have more faith and trust that things will turn out the way they are supposed to and that everything does happen for a reason. My whole life is in transition and I need to trust that this will lead me to great things.

I'll get there, just gotta take it one step at a time. Oh these emotions :)

Just some thoughts

It's a fine Saturday morning here in Los Angeles. I'm up at 7am because I think I've come down with a terrible sinus infection and sore throat. It's 110 degrees here and I can't stop sweating, and now I'm drinking tea and honey. I'd like to share with you what that feels like. It feels like death. My body is already trying to keep me cooled down by making me sweat and then I add in a hot drink and I feel like I'm going to faint every time I take a sip. But I'd take the fainting feeling over the pain I have in my nasal passage and throat. A great start to a very busy, overbooked weekend I have ahead of me.

Today is my law firm's annual party, and they decided to rent out the Rose Bowl! I think that is so awesome! And we are supposed to have a flag football game and I'm signed up to play, but I'm nervous. The people in my office still see me as female and I know I can pass for a male no problem with some of the other people that are going to be there today. So, it'll probably be a day where I'm switching depending on who I am talking to. I need to come up with a plan to tell my co workers. I think people are starting to catch on.

There are two women I am closer with overall and they keep asking me if I have a cold (its because my voice is getting deeper, not just that I'm sick as I happen to be now). And one of them invited me to her wedding. I told her I'd be wearing a tuxedo and she's down with that. I'm just not sure if she's getting that I'm transgendered vs. a butch lesbian. It's a tough line because I sit in such close quarters with these people that when I tell them, its going to be tense I think for a little while. But if any office environment is going to handle it well at all, I think it will be the one I'm in because there is such diversity going on at all levels. We'll see though. I've definitely been wrong before, but I am trying to stay positive. I'm thinking about telling the two that are close to me by showing them the article I wrote in the magazine. I feel like maybe if they read it and get part of my story and some quick answers to general questions, it might go more smoothly. I've also thought about just telling them at lunch one day. I usually follow my instincts in situations like these, but I have so many worrisome thoughts that I'm unable to decipher what my instincts are telling me. I need to focus and get to the bottom of that because not dealing with this head on and letting go on for longer is making me more anxious about it. I really am proud of who I am and what I'm about. I just want my work environment to remain unaffected and I wish I didn't have to come out to anyone about this. But the reality is that people care, people judge, and people want to know every last detail about something juicy going on. So, something needs to be said about my transition.

When I was beginning my transition, I was very consumed with worries about who I would date, how I would tell people. who would be supportive, who wouldn't. My friend Phoenix gave me the best advice (he's also a transman). He told me not to worry about it, that it would all fall into place, and that if I just keep the focus on me, the right people will come my way when it is time. And I'm happy to report that that is finally coming true. I meet lots of new people each day and they have all been supportive. I've also met people who are interested in dating me and are also totally supportive. It's not really awkward at all, as I had anticipated it would be. I'm so glad its finally going this way. I don't have time to worry about what others think of me, but I mean in reality, we all worry sometimes. We all want people to find us attractive, to find us as dating material, to support who we are in life, and I've definitely been on a journey to find all of this. I'm finally building a core group of friends in LA, a family really. And they are so supportive and loving its unreal. I'm very thankful still for finding them. It took a while, but it was worth the wait.


I've had great responses to my blog this far, and I'm pretty happy about it. I've gotten some more requests in recent days to do more video blogging about my day in general. It has been suggested that I film myself as I go through my daily routine. I will attempt to do that. I wish I could film a day in my life at the law firm because it would be hilarious, but I'm thinking I just can't swing that. But I will def try to get some more shots of me in everyday life.

Ok, now that I've finished my hot tea in 110 degree weather, I'm going to attempt to sleep this nasty sicky off.

So I went home to see my mother

I went home to see my mother. I was home from Wed to Sun. The trip wasn't as bad as I expected. My mom is in a pretty deep depression over the loss of her best friend and boyfriend, as I expected. She was warmer to me than usual, but still kind of off her rocker. We didn't talk about my transition at all because she just couldn't go there about any issue. She can hardly decide what she is wearing each day. So as much as I had anticipated a huge talk and laying out of the law, I see that this was not an opportune time. And maybe in some way it was a good thing. I think partly it was good for her to see that I"m still me. I'm still funny, outgoing, my personality hasn't changed. I've just started to change physically. And I think she was also able to see me finally be a lot more happy. I'm just more secure in who I am now that I'm facing all of this. I was pretty confident in who I was before, but having the body to match is an important part.

I got to spend a lot of time with my niece, Hannah, who is one, and my nephew, Jordan, who is 4. It was so great to see them because I am so crazy about them.
My nephew is very curious and into everything. And he's just a real character. He is confused on whether or not I'm a boy or a girl. He uses both pronouns which I think is cute. When my sister said Jamie was coming in, my nephew replied, "Why is she he coming in?"

He used to call me Auntie, but now we have him just using Jamie. He's been good about it.

But I think the cutest story of all is this. When I was getting into the shower, my curious nephew came wondering into the bathroom looking for me and when he saw me naked he said, "Jamie, how did you get boobs?" So I'm guessing he sees me more as a male. I didn't answer his question, I just smiled and sent him on his way.

I think what I love about children is that they aren't exposed to the prejudices and small minded ideas of society. My nephew loves me because I'm Jamie, not because I'm a boy or a girl. He loves the attention I give him, he loves to hang out with me and play, and that is what it should be about, always.

I also got to spend some quality time with my sister who is pretty awesome. She's my best friend who I can call at any time for anything. Really she is more like a mother to me in a lot of ways. She tries to pick up where my mom left off. She's very supportive of my transition, and I think she is able to start seeing the changes in me physically as well. I'm also lucky to have a brother in law who is supportive. He's a very relaxed, non judgmental straight guy, which I think is rare. He openly asks me how my shots are going and how I'm feeling. Just simple gestures like that make all the difference to me.

I got to see a lot of my close friends when I was home. And honestly, the nicest part about it was sharing my article with them, and having them not treat me any differently. They know I'm transitioning, and I'm also still the same old Jamie to them. It was very nice to feel so supported.

This trip also entailed coming out and telling of my story to people close to me in my life and I'm thankful to say that their responses were also good and supportive. People never cease to amaze me, and I'm glad that it was mostly good overall.

There are of course, always the disappointments. But I'm trying not to focus on those so much right now because they aren't going to get me anywhere.

Right now I'm very thankful to just be where I am. Finally happy I'm taking the journey I've longed to take for my whole life, and doing it with tons of support behind me. I feel very blessed and emotional about this. I'm very sensitive, but do I feel a touch of the hormones giving me a little edge. I think its just when you come from a place of having no support for so long, you are grateful for any that comes your way, and for once, I have a plethora, and its awesome.

Love you all.

Gay Pride Los Angeles Style

This weekend was the Gay Pride festival in Los Angeles. I decided to partake in the festivities by volunteering for my friend's cheerleading squad. They are called Cheer LA and they perform various stunts and dances to raise money for non profits such as Aid for Aids. So, while they performed I collected donations from the crowd. It was nice to be a part of something that gave back to charity. It was a long and crazy day though. I walked so far for so long and I can hardly feel my feet. But, I still feel good.

Other than that, I'm preparing myself for what I see as a very emotional trip home. I haven't been home in 4 months, which is a very long time in my family. I used to go home once a month or once every two months. That was before I was cut off and disowned because of my transition.

Now I don't know what to expect. I know my mom loves me, I really do, I just know the dynamic between is a fucked up one. And with everything she has said and done to me, I'm curious to see my own reaction when I am finally face to face with her. I'm trying to be the bigger man and understand she is grieving a great loss and needs me to step up, but at the same time, I've stepped up my whole life. And the line needs to be drawn. So I'm anticipating my confusion with where I am to draw my boundaries and how.

I'm hoping for a peaceful weekend, one that doesn't involve some kind of blow out. I'm hoping to see my sister, my brother in law, my niece and nephew, and some close friends. And I hope that it all goes as smoothly as it can.