I dressed up as Napoleon Dynamite for Halloween and Jordyn was Deb, the girl with the side pony tail who does the"Glamour Shots". We had a great time.
Check out this video of me!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It went well!
I'm happy to report that I met Jordyn's family and it actually went pretty well. Her mom was nice to me and made an effort to talk to me. She was much warmer than I had anticipated after everything she had previously said. I also met Jordyn's father, and both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents don't know I'm trans and I'm perfectly ok with that. The meeting of the family was something I was anticipating for so long and I was somewhat fearful. So I am so happy that it went as well as it did.
After spending a day in Philly with Jordyn and her family, we departed on our road trip to Los Angeles. We had a lot of fun. We stopped all over the country and stayed mostly with our friends and my family. We made the drive in 6 days, which wasn't too bad.
I'm so happy to finally have my girlfriend living in the same city as me. She is such a huge support to me.
Now, our next project together is raising enough money for me to have top surgery. We are hoping to plan a party/benefit to help raise the funds. So, if you are in the LA area, make sure to check back for updates. We are looking to have something in Jan or Feb.
After spending a day in Philly with Jordyn and her family, we departed on our road trip to Los Angeles. We had a lot of fun. We stopped all over the country and stayed mostly with our friends and my family. We made the drive in 6 days, which wasn't too bad.
I'm so happy to finally have my girlfriend living in the same city as me. She is such a huge support to me.
Now, our next project together is raising enough money for me to have top surgery. We are hoping to plan a party/benefit to help raise the funds. So, if you are in the LA area, make sure to check back for updates. We are looking to have something in Jan or Feb.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Meeting Jordyn's Family Finally
A few updates since my last entry…
Jordyn is moving to Los Angeles, which is so exciting!! When is she doing this? Next week!!! How is she doing this?? Well, being the glorious boyfriend that I am, I am flying out East tonight to help her drive her car and stuff to LA.
This also means I am meeting her family. If you recall, her mother reacted very badly to the news that her daughter is dating a transman. She is still not doing well with that. Her mom initially responded by freaking out, calling me names, and telling Jordyn she never wanted to meet me, hear about me, or have anything to do with me. So, I guess meeting her is progress, but I’m still not sure how it will go. Her mom hasn’t been taking any major steps towards wanting to understand us, getting to know me, but she will at least listen to Jordyn talk about me and is letting me stay in her house for one night. I just feel a lot of pressure about all of this. I really want to be able to go into this with my head balanced on my shoulders properly. But after all the trash talking this woman has done about me, without knowing me or how well I treat her daughter, it obviously hurts me and angers me. And yet, it is on me to be the good guy, to block all the crazy shit out she has done and said, so that I can make a good impression and let her see I’m just a guy. I feel like I’m going to be under a microscope and she is going to be staring at me looking for any signs that indicate I was born female. The thought of that is obviously uncomfortable. I don’t really want to be stared at like I have something wrong me or like I have the plague. So, needless to say, it is very challenging to try and be the bigger person, the educator, the person on display so people can learn and grow, all while I still deal with my own issues of being trans.
I’m also meeting Jordyn’s father as well as both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents do not know that I’m a transman and I think I’d like to keep it that way.
So, this is 7 months of up and down bullshit dealing with Jordyn's family. I am not sure how it will go. I just need to focus on the fact that I cannot control other people, I can only control me. I just need to be myself.
Jordyn is moving to Los Angeles, which is so exciting!! When is she doing this? Next week!!! How is she doing this?? Well, being the glorious boyfriend that I am, I am flying out East tonight to help her drive her car and stuff to LA.
This also means I am meeting her family. If you recall, her mother reacted very badly to the news that her daughter is dating a transman. She is still not doing well with that. Her mom initially responded by freaking out, calling me names, and telling Jordyn she never wanted to meet me, hear about me, or have anything to do with me. So, I guess meeting her is progress, but I’m still not sure how it will go. Her mom hasn’t been taking any major steps towards wanting to understand us, getting to know me, but she will at least listen to Jordyn talk about me and is letting me stay in her house for one night. I just feel a lot of pressure about all of this. I really want to be able to go into this with my head balanced on my shoulders properly. But after all the trash talking this woman has done about me, without knowing me or how well I treat her daughter, it obviously hurts me and angers me. And yet, it is on me to be the good guy, to block all the crazy shit out she has done and said, so that I can make a good impression and let her see I’m just a guy. I feel like I’m going to be under a microscope and she is going to be staring at me looking for any signs that indicate I was born female. The thought of that is obviously uncomfortable. I don’t really want to be stared at like I have something wrong me or like I have the plague. So, needless to say, it is very challenging to try and be the bigger person, the educator, the person on display so people can learn and grow, all while I still deal with my own issues of being trans.
I’m also meeting Jordyn’s father as well as both sets of her grandparents. Her grandparents do not know that I’m a transman and I think I’d like to keep it that way.
So, this is 7 months of up and down bullshit dealing with Jordyn's family. I am not sure how it will go. I just need to focus on the fact that I cannot control other people, I can only control me. I just need to be myself.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Keep on Truckin'
It's been a somewhat busy summer for me. I have been keeping busy with work. I also went to San Francisco for their Pride parade, that was fun. My girlfriend has just returned to the U.S. after being abroad for two months and she was just in LA to visit me for a long weekend. That was great as well. I'm very happy to be dating someone who I can safely say, completely accepts me for who I am. She loves me MORE for the fact that I am trans, she just totally gets that it is a part of who I am and I would not be who I am if I weren't. She's just incredible. And having a supportive partner really makes a world of difference. Most of us trans folks, or at least the ones in my life (me included), talk a lot about how we feel like we may never find love because we are trans. We often experience a lot of difficulty finding a partner who will love and accept us for who we are. Someone recently said something to the effect of deciding to transition may mean you sacrifice a love life in order to be who you really are. When I heard that statement, it made me sad, but it is somewhat true, at least for some. And I thought I was going to be in that boat, but thankfully, I'm not. As I've had this blog, I've dated a few different people, so the problem hasn't been finding someone to date, but someone who really accepts me. The breakups I've had with the last two people I dated had some issues around the fact that I am trans, and it was very painful to go through. So, I just cannot express how thankful I am to be dating someone I feel really accepts me. It's an incredible feeling, it's freeing. And I'm madly, crazily in love with Jordyn. She's an incredible person, and someone who has been one of my best friends for a few years. She's strong willed, independent, smart, and so so so loving. The next time we are together, I'm hoping to have her film a video blog with me. I want her to share a little bit about her and her views on me being trans. I want to be able to give some hope to the trans people or people in general I know who feel that they may never find someone. I think her perspective is a very important one to hear, and I'm hoping she'll want to share her true feelings and opinions as someone who is "heterosexual", or what I like to call "straight with a twist" (me being the twist :) ).
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Tough week
I have had a rough week this past week. Prop 8 was upheld in California. That was a real downer. I hope to become more politically involved in that hot button topic. I think its ridiculous that it even got passed in the first place. So, that started off the week.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.
Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.
Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Some updates
Ok, it's been a while since I've blogged. So, I have some updates.
1. So, Jordyn told her family we were dating. They didn't respond well at all, to say the least. Her mom called me all sorts of names (freak,abnormal,etc, and claims not to know who her daughter is. Furthermore, her family suggest that I brainwashed her. Needless to say, this has been very hard for us to deal with.
We both thought her sister and her mother would be very understanding and happy for us, but we were very wrong. And I think part of dealing with their reaction is so hard just because we didn't see it coming, at all.
It's obviously going to take a lot of time for them to process and hopefully accept me and us as a couple. I really hope they come around, especially for Jordyn's sake. I would say she is fairly close to both her mother and her sister, and these kinds of reactions are hurting her relationship with both of them.
It feels awful to be judged by two people who don't know me at all, and to be judged so harshly. I know, without a doubt, that if Jordyn's mom didn't know I was trans, she would think I was the perfect Jewish boy for her daughter. The whole thing just makes me so angry and so livid. But, I try not to focus on the anger. I try to just focus on giving Jordyn the support she needs and having her feel safe and secure. She's been handling it incredibly well. She hasn't allowed her family's reaction to influence how she feels toward me at all. She has reached out for support and has even gone to a PFLAG meeting by herself. (Parents and Friends of GLBT people, support group) She's so brave. I just feel bad because she shouldn't have to go through all of this when she's not even the one who is trans! It's like she is coming out and having to deal with all of the coming out issues. It's not fair, it's really not, but she just continues to take everything in and to deal with it as it comes. She's amazing and strong. Thank goodness for that.
2. Jordyn came to surprise me in LA two weekends ago. She planned the whole thing with my roommate/best friend and she showed up at my work!! It was awesome. We had an awesome weekend together, and it was very good timing because Jordyn needed to be away from her family for a little while and we needed each other's support and to just spend some quality time together.
3. I went to the family wedding this past weekend. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People were surprised, but overall, I wouldn't say that anyone had a very negative or hateful reaction at all. I was able to dance, socialize, and have a decent time. My mom even introduced me as her son, which was a HUGE step for her. I got to see my niece and nephew, my sister, and spend some time with them. That was also nice. My niece is 2 and my nephew is 5. They are lots of fun! I also got to catch up with some sort of distant family members. A few chatted with me and told me they had been reading my blog, which meant a lot to me. They were incredibly supportive.
4. I went to the doctor and found out I need to have a mammogram. I'm definitely nervous about it. I'm nervous to get the results and I'm nervous to even have it done. I have to go to like a Womens center of some sort. My doctor says men have mammograms there also, but I doubt there are many transmen who go in. I really wish there was access to safer healthcare for trans people...so yeah, I need to get that done. I also had my t levels checked and they are great, which I am happy about. So, my dose will stay the same as it has been. I inject myself once every three weeks and I use Testim gel everyday.
Those are the updates in a nutshell. I'm working and busy as always. Life is probably the best it has been for me in a while. I have a steady job, a comfortable place to live, a girlfriend who I adore,friends, and some family that I can go to for support. I'm finally living the life I've wanted to live for years and I'm living for me, not for others. It's very freeing.
1. So, Jordyn told her family we were dating. They didn't respond well at all, to say the least. Her mom called me all sorts of names (freak,abnormal,etc, and claims not to know who her daughter is. Furthermore, her family suggest that I brainwashed her. Needless to say, this has been very hard for us to deal with.
We both thought her sister and her mother would be very understanding and happy for us, but we were very wrong. And I think part of dealing with their reaction is so hard just because we didn't see it coming, at all.
It's obviously going to take a lot of time for them to process and hopefully accept me and us as a couple. I really hope they come around, especially for Jordyn's sake. I would say she is fairly close to both her mother and her sister, and these kinds of reactions are hurting her relationship with both of them.
It feels awful to be judged by two people who don't know me at all, and to be judged so harshly. I know, without a doubt, that if Jordyn's mom didn't know I was trans, she would think I was the perfect Jewish boy for her daughter. The whole thing just makes me so angry and so livid. But, I try not to focus on the anger. I try to just focus on giving Jordyn the support she needs and having her feel safe and secure. She's been handling it incredibly well. She hasn't allowed her family's reaction to influence how she feels toward me at all. She has reached out for support and has even gone to a PFLAG meeting by herself. (Parents and Friends of GLBT people, support group) She's so brave. I just feel bad because she shouldn't have to go through all of this when she's not even the one who is trans! It's like she is coming out and having to deal with all of the coming out issues. It's not fair, it's really not, but she just continues to take everything in and to deal with it as it comes. She's amazing and strong. Thank goodness for that.
2. Jordyn came to surprise me in LA two weekends ago. She planned the whole thing with my roommate/best friend and she showed up at my work!! It was awesome. We had an awesome weekend together, and it was very good timing because Jordyn needed to be away from her family for a little while and we needed each other's support and to just spend some quality time together.
3. I went to the family wedding this past weekend. Overall, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People were surprised, but overall, I wouldn't say that anyone had a very negative or hateful reaction at all. I was able to dance, socialize, and have a decent time. My mom even introduced me as her son, which was a HUGE step for her. I got to see my niece and nephew, my sister, and spend some time with them. That was also nice. My niece is 2 and my nephew is 5. They are lots of fun! I also got to catch up with some sort of distant family members. A few chatted with me and told me they had been reading my blog, which meant a lot to me. They were incredibly supportive.
4. I went to the doctor and found out I need to have a mammogram. I'm definitely nervous about it. I'm nervous to get the results and I'm nervous to even have it done. I have to go to like a Womens center of some sort. My doctor says men have mammograms there also, but I doubt there are many transmen who go in. I really wish there was access to safer healthcare for trans people...so yeah, I need to get that done. I also had my t levels checked and they are great, which I am happy about. So, my dose will stay the same as it has been. I inject myself once every three weeks and I use Testim gel everyday.
Those are the updates in a nutshell. I'm working and busy as always. Life is probably the best it has been for me in a while. I have a steady job, a comfortable place to live, a girlfriend who I adore,friends, and some family that I can go to for support. I'm finally living the life I've wanted to live for years and I'm living for me, not for others. It's very freeing.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Great Weekend and RANT
4.27/2009-I had a fantastic weekend this past weekend. I got to see Jordyn and spend some quality time with her and really solidify my relationship with her. I also got to see a lot of my friends from college who were incredibly supportive. They hadn't seen me in 2 years, since I began transitioning, and they all reacted so positively. It was an awesome, awesome, weekend. I never thought I would have support in such numbers. And it really made me reflect on when I first decided I was going to transition and all of the fears I had.
Being trans is something that is obviously not easy to deal with. On one hand, you want to be true to yourself, and deal with the fact you are trans. But on the other hand, you know that in doing so, you are isolating yourself and the way people can relate to you. People in general are not familiar with transgender people, what it is to be trans, how to deal with it, etc. And so, I think a part of me honestly thought that when I decided I was going to transition, I would have to get used to the idea that I would not really be dating a lot, if at all. I also thought that I wouldn't have many friends because they would think it was so weird.
5/1/2009-Ok, so I wrote that last portion a few days ago and was still working on it. But now I have some other stuff on my mind. And it's ironic. I was writing before about what support I had and what a fantastic weekend I had, and now I'm angry and need to rant about the support I don't have.
I'm feeling very emotionally charged and upset. So, here it goes.
When you decide to judge me for being trans, I wish you would take a step back. I wish that you would realize that I am a person first and foremost, with thoughts, feelings, and a life like anyone else. I am funny, outgoing, hardworking, motivated, and a good person. I am giving, caring, a dedicated and loyal friend, an uncle, a brother, a son. These are all a part of who I am, in addition to being trans. Being trans is not the only quality that makes me me. So, when you are going to judge me, judge me on ALL of who I am, not just a part. Take a look at the whole picture, and don't just focus on the part that is different or unfamiliar to you. Challenge yourself to grow, to learn, and then to judge. At least reserve judgment once you are educated. And once you place judgment, try evaluating how your judgment and harsh words affect those around you.
If we all walked around and judged each person we met on just one part of who they are, we wouldn't have any friends. People come as a package, they are comprised of many qualities, features, attributes. And it's the person as a whole that we evaluate. You don't decide you are going to marry someone because they are tall or because they are brunette. You decide who you are going to marry based on several factors, not just one.
I am sick and tired of people judging me solely on the basis of being trans. What I do or don't have between my legs should not be what determines my entire life, who I date, where I work, who my friends are. WHO I AM should be first and foremost. It seems like this principle is such a simple one that most people think they abide by, but, there are still several others who don't.
I do not need to be reminded by others that I am different, that I wasn't born a biological man. I live with myself and I am aware of this fact everyday of my life. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wasn't born into the physical body of a man. I can only make do with what I have and the tools I was given, and live as a man the best way that I know how. I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for who I am and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed about who I am either.
Sometimes I get so sick of having to deal with everyone's thoughts and feelings on the topic of me being trans. I get frustrated because people make it about them, and it's like, maybe it should be about ME. What about my thoughts and feelings on the issue because afterall, IM THE ONE WHO IS TRANSITIONING. What about all of the internalized issues and feelings I face within myself on this issue? People often forget to stop and think about that. They only focus on the fact that it is hard for them to understand something different and new, not the fact that I'm going through it. And I get run down. I try to carry the torch and be the educator, the strong one. To have the ability to lay out on the table who you are in such a detailed way, to educate people, to defend your life and to explain it and reveal yourself in that way, takes a lot of time and emotional energy. People don't appreciate that enough. They just want answers when they want them.
I'm thankful to have people who read my blog regularly and I do hope that you get something out of it. I hope you are able to learn and that you apply what you learn if and when you have other trans people in your life. I write this blog as a record, as a reminder, as an educational tool, for everyone, regardless of what your sexual orientation or gender is.
Thanks for reading.
Being trans is something that is obviously not easy to deal with. On one hand, you want to be true to yourself, and deal with the fact you are trans. But on the other hand, you know that in doing so, you are isolating yourself and the way people can relate to you. People in general are not familiar with transgender people, what it is to be trans, how to deal with it, etc. And so, I think a part of me honestly thought that when I decided I was going to transition, I would have to get used to the idea that I would not really be dating a lot, if at all. I also thought that I wouldn't have many friends because they would think it was so weird.
5/1/2009-Ok, so I wrote that last portion a few days ago and was still working on it. But now I have some other stuff on my mind. And it's ironic. I was writing before about what support I had and what a fantastic weekend I had, and now I'm angry and need to rant about the support I don't have.
I'm feeling very emotionally charged and upset. So, here it goes.
When you decide to judge me for being trans, I wish you would take a step back. I wish that you would realize that I am a person first and foremost, with thoughts, feelings, and a life like anyone else. I am funny, outgoing, hardworking, motivated, and a good person. I am giving, caring, a dedicated and loyal friend, an uncle, a brother, a son. These are all a part of who I am, in addition to being trans. Being trans is not the only quality that makes me me. So, when you are going to judge me, judge me on ALL of who I am, not just a part. Take a look at the whole picture, and don't just focus on the part that is different or unfamiliar to you. Challenge yourself to grow, to learn, and then to judge. At least reserve judgment once you are educated. And once you place judgment, try evaluating how your judgment and harsh words affect those around you.
If we all walked around and judged each person we met on just one part of who they are, we wouldn't have any friends. People come as a package, they are comprised of many qualities, features, attributes. And it's the person as a whole that we evaluate. You don't decide you are going to marry someone because they are tall or because they are brunette. You decide who you are going to marry based on several factors, not just one.
I am sick and tired of people judging me solely on the basis of being trans. What I do or don't have between my legs should not be what determines my entire life, who I date, where I work, who my friends are. WHO I AM should be first and foremost. It seems like this principle is such a simple one that most people think they abide by, but, there are still several others who don't.
I do not need to be reminded by others that I am different, that I wasn't born a biological man. I live with myself and I am aware of this fact everyday of my life. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wasn't born into the physical body of a man. I can only make do with what I have and the tools I was given, and live as a man the best way that I know how. I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for who I am and I shouldn't have to feel ashamed about who I am either.
Sometimes I get so sick of having to deal with everyone's thoughts and feelings on the topic of me being trans. I get frustrated because people make it about them, and it's like, maybe it should be about ME. What about my thoughts and feelings on the issue because afterall, IM THE ONE WHO IS TRANSITIONING. What about all of the internalized issues and feelings I face within myself on this issue? People often forget to stop and think about that. They only focus on the fact that it is hard for them to understand something different and new, not the fact that I'm going through it. And I get run down. I try to carry the torch and be the educator, the strong one. To have the ability to lay out on the table who you are in such a detailed way, to educate people, to defend your life and to explain it and reveal yourself in that way, takes a lot of time and emotional energy. People don't appreciate that enough. They just want answers when they want them.
I'm thankful to have people who read my blog regularly and I do hope that you get something out of it. I hope you are able to learn and that you apply what you learn if and when you have other trans people in your life. I write this blog as a record, as a reminder, as an educational tool, for everyone, regardless of what your sexual orientation or gender is.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
HR paper work and updates
I hit my three month mark at my job, which meant it was time to fill out the necessary paperwork for benefits, health insurance, dental insurance, eye insurance, life insurance, etc. This would have been a huge issue for most trans people, I'm sure. I've heard many horror stories surrounding it, how to go about it, what to say. I'm lucky because everyone in my office knows I'm trans and they are very supportive.
So, when it came time to fill out all of the papers, I was able to openly explain to my employer how I needed my papers filled out and I was able to get some of their advice on it as well. I put myself as male for dental, vision, and life insurance, and female for the medical insurance. But I had questions about the life insurance and my boss was able to help me determine which sex to put for that because she knew the way that that stuff got handled. The problem is, my driver's license says that I'm male, but my passport and birth certificate say female. So, if I were to die, (G-d forbid), I had to ask my boss which paperwork the insurance company would be checking, and she said they would only need my driver's license, so we went with male on that one.
The medical one needs to stay as female because I still need access to female related health services and that would definitely not be covered under male insurance stuff.
Overall, it was a painless process and it was an eye opening experience for some of the staff in my office. I feel like they gained a greater awareness of how to deal with trans employees should we have another one join our team.
Other than that, I'm preparing myself for the wedding in Miami the best that I can. Nothing much has changed on that front. My plane ticket is booked and I will be in attendance.
Love life is good, well great actually. Jordyn is the kind of girl I could only have thought existed in dreams. She's an amazing support to me in every way possible, and then there's the love connection on top of that. So, I'm happier than I've ever been in that department.
In other news, I got a facebook message from some girls I went to overnight camp with when I was 12. They seem to have no idea that I've transitioned as the message was addressed to "the girls". They want to have a reunion in Pittsburgh sometime in the near future. I need to respond to that message and let them know that I've transitioned, and also whether or not I'd like to go to this mini reunion. I have mixed feelings about it. I think it would be nice I guess, but I seriously haven't seen or talked to some of them in over 10 years. I'll have to feel it out and see.
Those are the major updates for now.
So, when it came time to fill out all of the papers, I was able to openly explain to my employer how I needed my papers filled out and I was able to get some of their advice on it as well. I put myself as male for dental, vision, and life insurance, and female for the medical insurance. But I had questions about the life insurance and my boss was able to help me determine which sex to put for that because she knew the way that that stuff got handled. The problem is, my driver's license says that I'm male, but my passport and birth certificate say female. So, if I were to die, (G-d forbid), I had to ask my boss which paperwork the insurance company would be checking, and she said they would only need my driver's license, so we went with male on that one.
The medical one needs to stay as female because I still need access to female related health services and that would definitely not be covered under male insurance stuff.
Overall, it was a painless process and it was an eye opening experience for some of the staff in my office. I feel like they gained a greater awareness of how to deal with trans employees should we have another one join our team.
Other than that, I'm preparing myself for the wedding in Miami the best that I can. Nothing much has changed on that front. My plane ticket is booked and I will be in attendance.
Love life is good, well great actually. Jordyn is the kind of girl I could only have thought existed in dreams. She's an amazing support to me in every way possible, and then there's the love connection on top of that. So, I'm happier than I've ever been in that department.
In other news, I got a facebook message from some girls I went to overnight camp with when I was 12. They seem to have no idea that I've transitioned as the message was addressed to "the girls". They want to have a reunion in Pittsburgh sometime in the near future. I need to respond to that message and let them know that I've transitioned, and also whether or not I'd like to go to this mini reunion. I have mixed feelings about it. I think it would be nice I guess, but I seriously haven't seen or talked to some of them in over 10 years. I'll have to feel it out and see.
Those are the major updates for now.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Public Speaking, Transgender Summit, and Family Drama
I had a pretty big week this past week. On Thursday, I went and publicly spoke to a highschool in Manhattan Beach, California on "Transgender Awareness" with a friend of mine. We spoke to roughly 1500 highschoolers, in three separate sessions.
It was amazing. I went in not too sure how we would be received or how to connect with this type of audience. It was compromised of students ranging from freshman to senior, and with a huge group like that, it's tough to create a "safe space" where these kinds of issues can be talked about openly. But we managed to pull it off. They were incredibly receptive, they loved hearing our personal stories, our journies. It really could not have gone any better than it did. We had a lot of people come up to us after we were done speaking and let us know just how much they learned and how we impacted them. It makes me feel so good and so on top of the world when I have the chance to speak to people in that manner. It was really just so incredible. And it is so rare that a highschool would bring in Trans speakers just for transgender awareness. Usually, I'm brought in with gay, lesbian, and bisexual speakers and we cover all of the issues together. It was really nice to have the floor to only address the trans issues. And we got really really great feedback from the staff, and that was also important to me. I feel very proud of the job I did that day.
So after that, Friday, I headed down to San Diego for the Transgender Summit, which was also a good experience. I went with my best friend and her trans boyfriend which was also very nice. It was good to have their support and their company.
I attended workshops and such about all different issues surrounding the Transgender community. I got to hear from some interesting speakers, especially the really politically active ones that I have so much respect for. I got to hear a "state of the union" address on trans issues which was very enlightening. It really inspired me to want to become more involved politically and socially in the Trans Movement.
It was nice to meet up with other Trans community members as well and to do some networking.
I met with two trans women after one of the seminars they gave on "Trans and Media". They have their own podcast on itunes, and they have a dedicated audience. I spoke with them about getting my own podcast started, and they told me they would help me promote it and that we could work with each other. And that was very exciting. To start a podcast though will take a lot of work and energy and time. So, before I just jump into it, I want to map out what I think the podcast would entail, what it would address, and what I'd want people to get out of it. So, if any of you have any ideas regarding that, please send me an email. I'm open.
So, now we are into the new week. And things with the family are a little stressful at the moment, well not the entire family, but a few choice members.
Recently, I've had more contact with my extended family on both sides, mostly cousins reaching out to me and letting me know how much they support me. It really has made such an impact on me. It means so much when extended, lost, family members reach out in general, but when they make an effort to contact me and write me lengthy emails telling me that they support my transition, that is just overwhelming and awesome. That kind of support couldn't have come at a better time.
I'm still dealing with the issues surrounding attending my cousin's wedding in Miami, Florida. I'm very nervous about it. I will be seeing so many people that haven't seen me in years, people who have no idea I'm transitioning, and unfortunately, I don't think most of them will be supportive. Things with my mom aren't going very well, so I can't really rely on her as a source of support, so basically, the only support I have is my sister and brother-in-law. So, knowing this, I emailed my cousin and asked her if I was invited to her wedding with a date, or if I could be. I explained that it would really mean a lot to me and why I would need support. And unfortunately, my request was rejected. At first, my cousin explained it as she needed to be fair and that my other cousins as well as other guests weren't invited with dates. But then she threw in that some of my cousins may show up with dates. So, I got confused. I was being honest and up front about wanting to bring a date, and she left me with the impression that I shouldn't have been honest and up front, and then it would have been ok. There is some kind of double standard going on here clearly. My cousin was either lying about the fact that other people weren't invited with dates, or she was saying to me without saying it directly that it's ok for other people to bring dates, but not me. She also went on to say that she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and that if I was only attending the wedding so that her feelings wouldnt' be hurt, that she would understand if it was too much for me and I didn't want to go. I honestly couldn't tell though, if she was trying to be sincere and sensitive to my feelings, or if this was her way of telling me she didn't want me at her wedding under the radar. Well, needless to say, after this conversation, I was crushed. I am at a loss to understand why exactly I am treated this way.
My first thought was not to attend the wedding at all because clearly, there is some issue about me being a man now. But my second thought was that I want to attend the wedding. I do not want my family to think that I am in any way, ashamed of who I am and that I will back down any time I face resistance. So, I've decided I'm still going to attend this wedding. I'm sure it will be a challenge, I'm sure it will be hard, but in my gut, I feel it is the right thing to do.
This is also an opportunity for me to spend some time with my sister, my neice and nephew, who I adore, and I don't know when I will see them next now that we live so far away.
I'm definitely trying to be the bigger person in this situation, and I'm pushing my own limits. But I don't want to look back on this and regret not going to the wedding, and I think I would regret not going more than just attending.
What is fantastic about all of this though is that when I have been upset this past week, I have had a lot of support. My best friends were able to counsel me, console me, listen to me, and help me deal. I really appreciate them for that. I have a hard time being vulnerable, but when I am, these people really know how to take care of me and that's really important to me. I'd say that my best friends are the family I've always wanted but never had until now. They are who have my back in life more so than anyone else (besides my sister).
In terms of the transition physically, I think I'm hitting another awkward phase with my voice. I'm having difficulty singing again and the higher notes that I used to be able to hear are disappearing at a very quick rate, which I am not happy about. My voice is cracking a lot when I speak. I do talk a lot at work, I'm on the phone or dealing with customers most of the day, so it could be that I'm losing my voice, but I think it's also in combination with my voice dropping again.
I'm still experiencing "growing pains" in my legs and arms. Sometimes they keep me up at night. I just feel restless and can't get rid of the "ache" I feel.
I'm trying to stretch as much as possible, but even when I go to stretch, I get muscle spasms everywhere. I just need to keep eating bananas and keep my potassium levels up, that seems to help.
Those are the updates. I'll be sure to post a video soon.
It was amazing. I went in not too sure how we would be received or how to connect with this type of audience. It was compromised of students ranging from freshman to senior, and with a huge group like that, it's tough to create a "safe space" where these kinds of issues can be talked about openly. But we managed to pull it off. They were incredibly receptive, they loved hearing our personal stories, our journies. It really could not have gone any better than it did. We had a lot of people come up to us after we were done speaking and let us know just how much they learned and how we impacted them. It makes me feel so good and so on top of the world when I have the chance to speak to people in that manner. It was really just so incredible. And it is so rare that a highschool would bring in Trans speakers just for transgender awareness. Usually, I'm brought in with gay, lesbian, and bisexual speakers and we cover all of the issues together. It was really nice to have the floor to only address the trans issues. And we got really really great feedback from the staff, and that was also important to me. I feel very proud of the job I did that day.
So after that, Friday, I headed down to San Diego for the Transgender Summit, which was also a good experience. I went with my best friend and her trans boyfriend which was also very nice. It was good to have their support and their company.
I attended workshops and such about all different issues surrounding the Transgender community. I got to hear from some interesting speakers, especially the really politically active ones that I have so much respect for. I got to hear a "state of the union" address on trans issues which was very enlightening. It really inspired me to want to become more involved politically and socially in the Trans Movement.
It was nice to meet up with other Trans community members as well and to do some networking.
I met with two trans women after one of the seminars they gave on "Trans and Media". They have their own podcast on itunes, and they have a dedicated audience. I spoke with them about getting my own podcast started, and they told me they would help me promote it and that we could work with each other. And that was very exciting. To start a podcast though will take a lot of work and energy and time. So, before I just jump into it, I want to map out what I think the podcast would entail, what it would address, and what I'd want people to get out of it. So, if any of you have any ideas regarding that, please send me an email. I'm open.
So, now we are into the new week. And things with the family are a little stressful at the moment, well not the entire family, but a few choice members.
Recently, I've had more contact with my extended family on both sides, mostly cousins reaching out to me and letting me know how much they support me. It really has made such an impact on me. It means so much when extended, lost, family members reach out in general, but when they make an effort to contact me and write me lengthy emails telling me that they support my transition, that is just overwhelming and awesome. That kind of support couldn't have come at a better time.
I'm still dealing with the issues surrounding attending my cousin's wedding in Miami, Florida. I'm very nervous about it. I will be seeing so many people that haven't seen me in years, people who have no idea I'm transitioning, and unfortunately, I don't think most of them will be supportive. Things with my mom aren't going very well, so I can't really rely on her as a source of support, so basically, the only support I have is my sister and brother-in-law. So, knowing this, I emailed my cousin and asked her if I was invited to her wedding with a date, or if I could be. I explained that it would really mean a lot to me and why I would need support. And unfortunately, my request was rejected. At first, my cousin explained it as she needed to be fair and that my other cousins as well as other guests weren't invited with dates. But then she threw in that some of my cousins may show up with dates. So, I got confused. I was being honest and up front about wanting to bring a date, and she left me with the impression that I shouldn't have been honest and up front, and then it would have been ok. There is some kind of double standard going on here clearly. My cousin was either lying about the fact that other people weren't invited with dates, or she was saying to me without saying it directly that it's ok for other people to bring dates, but not me. She also went on to say that she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and that if I was only attending the wedding so that her feelings wouldnt' be hurt, that she would understand if it was too much for me and I didn't want to go. I honestly couldn't tell though, if she was trying to be sincere and sensitive to my feelings, or if this was her way of telling me she didn't want me at her wedding under the radar. Well, needless to say, after this conversation, I was crushed. I am at a loss to understand why exactly I am treated this way.
My first thought was not to attend the wedding at all because clearly, there is some issue about me being a man now. But my second thought was that I want to attend the wedding. I do not want my family to think that I am in any way, ashamed of who I am and that I will back down any time I face resistance. So, I've decided I'm still going to attend this wedding. I'm sure it will be a challenge, I'm sure it will be hard, but in my gut, I feel it is the right thing to do.
This is also an opportunity for me to spend some time with my sister, my neice and nephew, who I adore, and I don't know when I will see them next now that we live so far away.
I'm definitely trying to be the bigger person in this situation, and I'm pushing my own limits. But I don't want to look back on this and regret not going to the wedding, and I think I would regret not going more than just attending.
What is fantastic about all of this though is that when I have been upset this past week, I have had a lot of support. My best friends were able to counsel me, console me, listen to me, and help me deal. I really appreciate them for that. I have a hard time being vulnerable, but when I am, these people really know how to take care of me and that's really important to me. I'd say that my best friends are the family I've always wanted but never had until now. They are who have my back in life more so than anyone else (besides my sister).
In terms of the transition physically, I think I'm hitting another awkward phase with my voice. I'm having difficulty singing again and the higher notes that I used to be able to hear are disappearing at a very quick rate, which I am not happy about. My voice is cracking a lot when I speak. I do talk a lot at work, I'm on the phone or dealing with customers most of the day, so it could be that I'm losing my voice, but I think it's also in combination with my voice dropping again.
I'm still experiencing "growing pains" in my legs and arms. Sometimes they keep me up at night. I just feel restless and can't get rid of the "ache" I feel.
I'm trying to stretch as much as possible, but even when I go to stretch, I get muscle spasms everywhere. I just need to keep eating bananas and keep my potassium levels up, that seems to help.
Those are the updates. I'll be sure to post a video soon.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Drag and Gender bending show
This past weekend I performed in a drag show that was also about gender bending and variety in general. I didn't actually dress up as a woman. I was just myself but it was a lot of fun. I got to sing and perform as a "drag king" in a number.
I like the kind of audience that we were able to pull in. There were queer people and straight people from all walks of life. Even some of my coworkers came to support it and that was pretty awesome. I also had a really good friend of mine from college drive down from San Francisco to attend.
It was a really great weekend overall. It was so nice to see people come together and to support a show like this, and to support me. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends who accept me and love me as I am.
I'm in a good mood these days also because I have a new love interest in my life. Her name is Jordyn. She's been a part of my life for a few years now, but the "love" part is just starting to develop. And it's incredible.
This girl has been one of my best friends basically since the day I met her. We connect so well and we get each other on another level. I met her during my senior year of college, and we only lived in the same place as each other for 5 months, if that, and we have managed to stay in touch and stay connected since I graduated college.
She's one of the few people that I came out to as trans in college, in fact. As part of a homework assignment for a class we took together, we had to watch a tv show and comment on it. We decided we would watch the Tyra Banks show, and the topic just happened to be transgender kids/people. And after we watched the show, I was of course, emotional. And that was when I decided to tell her I was trans and looking into transitioning. She was incredibly accepting, very supportive. I think that was really the catalyst for me being able to tell other people in my life. Having one person so supportive and so accepting, especially at that time, made all the difference.
Now fast forward in time to present day. It had been a year and a half since I had seen her. She came out to LA for her spring break with a good friend of hers and I finally got to reunite with her. It was amazing. Instantly, everything I felt and more came rushing back. It was straight out of a movie. And something was different this time also, and that was I could tell she was feeling something for me also. And indeed she is. This is definitely the beginning of something much bigger and I can't wait to see where it goes. We are in the butterfly/honeymoon stage, which is obviously THE BEST.
Nothing at this point in my life feels better to me than someone totally understanding me, who I am, what I'm about, and loving me for it. I'm especially grateful when it comes along because it is lacking from my family, where it shouldn't be. So when it comes from other places, it really means a lot. And I definitely get this kind of support/love from Jordyn. I've had it for the past two years, it's just changing its shape a little.
Other than the show and my love life, the transition is going well. People all around are really starting to notice just how deep my voice is. A few people have mentioned that they have gone back to my first and second videos and they can really hear a difference. I myself went back and was in shock at just how high my voice used to be. so awkward lol
I'm still having some muscle spasms, and some nausea. I've become an incredibly picky eater and I'm trying so hard to eat 150 grams of protein a day, it's a struggle. But its still worth it to me.
I would really like to make top surgery happen sooner rather than later, but it looks like it's going to have to wait for a little while. And that really depresses me. I'm still trying to lose weight and get finances in order to make it all happen. I'll just have to see how long each of those takes.
That about sums everything up. Hope everyone has a great week!
I like the kind of audience that we were able to pull in. There were queer people and straight people from all walks of life. Even some of my coworkers came to support it and that was pretty awesome. I also had a really good friend of mine from college drive down from San Francisco to attend.
It was a really great weekend overall. It was so nice to see people come together and to support a show like this, and to support me. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends who accept me and love me as I am.
I'm in a good mood these days also because I have a new love interest in my life. Her name is Jordyn. She's been a part of my life for a few years now, but the "love" part is just starting to develop. And it's incredible.
This girl has been one of my best friends basically since the day I met her. We connect so well and we get each other on another level. I met her during my senior year of college, and we only lived in the same place as each other for 5 months, if that, and we have managed to stay in touch and stay connected since I graduated college.
She's one of the few people that I came out to as trans in college, in fact. As part of a homework assignment for a class we took together, we had to watch a tv show and comment on it. We decided we would watch the Tyra Banks show, and the topic just happened to be transgender kids/people. And after we watched the show, I was of course, emotional. And that was when I decided to tell her I was trans and looking into transitioning. She was incredibly accepting, very supportive. I think that was really the catalyst for me being able to tell other people in my life. Having one person so supportive and so accepting, especially at that time, made all the difference.
Now fast forward in time to present day. It had been a year and a half since I had seen her. She came out to LA for her spring break with a good friend of hers and I finally got to reunite with her. It was amazing. Instantly, everything I felt and more came rushing back. It was straight out of a movie. And something was different this time also, and that was I could tell she was feeling something for me also. And indeed she is. This is definitely the beginning of something much bigger and I can't wait to see where it goes. We are in the butterfly/honeymoon stage, which is obviously THE BEST.
Nothing at this point in my life feels better to me than someone totally understanding me, who I am, what I'm about, and loving me for it. I'm especially grateful when it comes along because it is lacking from my family, where it shouldn't be. So when it comes from other places, it really means a lot. And I definitely get this kind of support/love from Jordyn. I've had it for the past two years, it's just changing its shape a little.
Other than the show and my love life, the transition is going well. People all around are really starting to notice just how deep my voice is. A few people have mentioned that they have gone back to my first and second videos and they can really hear a difference. I myself went back and was in shock at just how high my voice used to be. so awkward lol
I'm still having some muscle spasms, and some nausea. I've become an incredibly picky eater and I'm trying so hard to eat 150 grams of protein a day, it's a struggle. But its still worth it to me.
I would really like to make top surgery happen sooner rather than later, but it looks like it's going to have to wait for a little while. And that really depresses me. I'm still trying to lose weight and get finances in order to make it all happen. I'll just have to see how long each of those takes.
That about sums everything up. Hope everyone has a great week!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Two singing and one talking Video blog update
Check out my vlogs! TWo singing ones, and I'll be uploading a talking one later! Enjoy!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So much to say and I don't know where to begin
Clearly it's been a little while since I've posted and a lot has happened since my last post.
For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.
Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.
I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.
One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.
One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.
I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.
That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.
I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)
For starters, I talked to my father last week. I hadn't talked to him in months. He found out about my transition from some of his fellow family members that found my blog and facebook profile online. He was somewhat shocked I think, but supportive. He said that he wasn't mad and he just wanted me to be happy. He began to put the pieces together about why my relationship with my mother is so turbulent and how my transition played a huge role in that. I haven't talked to him since then. I need to call him again at some point and discuss things further. Overall, I was happy that he wasn't angry and that he was supportive. That's the best reaction I could hope for.
Things with my mother kind of fell apart again. I don't even know if it's because of my transition or because she's just unstable and selfish. But for whatever reason, we are not on speaking terms once again. I do love her but I don't like her or the way she speaks to me or tries to make me feel with all of her negativity and hurtful comments. I'm at a place in my adult life where I'm really focused on finding and maintaining stability and healthy relationships and she offers neither of these to me.
I feel as though she won't ever really accept me for who I am and what I am about. It really upsets me but at the same time I feel as though my hands are tied.
I have my cousin's wedding in May to attend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have to come out to my mom's side of the family there and I'm sure it will be awkward and uncomfortable. My sister and her kids will be there which will help take some of the pressure off, but I'm still not looking forward to it.
One of my best friends from New York was supposed to come and visit me and wasn't able to make it. So that was kind of a bummer.
One of my other best friends from Boston did come out to LA and I have gotten to see her. That has been good. I was eager to see her reaction to seeing me after not seeing me for a year and a half. She wasn't shocked or surprised in any way negatively, which was great. I'm sure it also helped that she has my blog to follow and so she kind of got to keep up with how I was changing and growing.
I went on a date with a boy, a trans boy. I had a good time. He is a nice guy. It was definitely an interesting experience. I have had the experience of being perceived as a gay female, or a straight male, but now I have the experience of being perceived as a gay male. When I shared with my friends that I had gone on a date with a guy, they were all supportive but to some of them, it just didn't make sense, and I can see why. When I'm with girls, I'm such a ladies man. I'm a gentleman who loves women and it's something very easy to see. And it's something that can seem incongruent with me dating men. And I don't have the answers to it all just yet. I'm exploring and learning and figuring out parts of who I am all over again so I have no concrete answers.
That's the overview of what has been going on and keeping me so busy. There are some other, more personal issues that I'm dealing with that involve other people though and so I have to tread lightly when it comes to reporting that kind of stuff on my blog. I try to respect people's privacy while still sharing my experience.
I will be sure to post another video soon as well. I'm looking pretty handsome these days :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My first FTM meeting
This past weekend I went to a support group for FTM (female to male) men. And it was great. It was my first time really being a part of a group of trans guys. I'm sorry that I waited so long to reach out for support. It was great just to be in the presence of other transmen. It made me feel a sense of community, belonging. The group had two parts. The first part was open to FTMs and their friends, family, partners, support, etc. And the second half we split up so that one group was just the FTMs and the other group was for everyone else. I benefitted from both. It was nice to see people have support at all. Some people had friends, even parents in attendance. And I was surprised that a lot of people also had romantic partners. I've heard so often that it is hard for transmen to find people to date and that was definitely not the case with the people I met.
I really liked when the group split up though and we could talk about issues that transmen face such as side effects of testosterone, finding doctors, dealing with people when you ask them to switch pronouns and use He instead of She. There were a lot of different perspectives on each issue and that was also helpful. Some people at the meeting recognized me from the articles I've written as well as my blog. So people do actually pay attention and read this thing which I'm glad to hear.
Overall I had a good time and made some new friends both trans and non trans.
Other than that, I am now a full-time adult with a full time job which means I'm tired, a lot. The doctor says I need to be sleeping more than 8 hours a night because my body needs it a lot more now that I'm going through puberty again. He explained to me that that was why I was probably tired a lot as a teenager as well. Our bodies need more sleep during puberty. No wonder. I'm also trying to meet my protein goal each day which isn't happening either. I'm supposed to eat 120 grams of protein a day and that's hard to do. When I do come close to hitting that, it's because I've had several protein shakes in a day. And drinking those gets boring very quickly.
The hair on my face seems to be growing thicker now, but I'm still struggling with my sideburns. They grow but they don't grow in fully the way I'd like them to. I'm hoping that starts to happen soon.
Two of my very best friends are coming to visit this week and next week and I'm excited and nervous to see them. They haven't seen me since I even started transitioning. So I'm sure there will be some shock to deal with there, nothing bad. But I want to see how they react and what they think once they do see me. They'll have honest and good input I think.
Valentine's day was this past weekend and that was also kind of rough. Another one of the holidays that I hadn't celebrated alone in over a decade. It was interesting. I partied with my friends and went out dancing and what not. I went to a gay club and ran into Perez Hilton and Janice Dickenson. That was interesting. So weird to go to a club and run into celebrities like that. I had an ok time. It was mostly a gay guy club with few women. I blended right in. I found myself checking some guys out but I'm still confused about my attraction to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at them because I'd like to look like them and other times I'm not sure. That's still a work in progress. I'm still attracted to women, that hasn't changed at least.
Those are my major updates for now. Remember to send me any questions, comments, feedback. That stuff is always appreciated.
Thanks!
I really liked when the group split up though and we could talk about issues that transmen face such as side effects of testosterone, finding doctors, dealing with people when you ask them to switch pronouns and use He instead of She. There were a lot of different perspectives on each issue and that was also helpful. Some people at the meeting recognized me from the articles I've written as well as my blog. So people do actually pay attention and read this thing which I'm glad to hear.
Overall I had a good time and made some new friends both trans and non trans.
Other than that, I am now a full-time adult with a full time job which means I'm tired, a lot. The doctor says I need to be sleeping more than 8 hours a night because my body needs it a lot more now that I'm going through puberty again. He explained to me that that was why I was probably tired a lot as a teenager as well. Our bodies need more sleep during puberty. No wonder. I'm also trying to meet my protein goal each day which isn't happening either. I'm supposed to eat 120 grams of protein a day and that's hard to do. When I do come close to hitting that, it's because I've had several protein shakes in a day. And drinking those gets boring very quickly.
The hair on my face seems to be growing thicker now, but I'm still struggling with my sideburns. They grow but they don't grow in fully the way I'd like them to. I'm hoping that starts to happen soon.
Two of my very best friends are coming to visit this week and next week and I'm excited and nervous to see them. They haven't seen me since I even started transitioning. So I'm sure there will be some shock to deal with there, nothing bad. But I want to see how they react and what they think once they do see me. They'll have honest and good input I think.
Valentine's day was this past weekend and that was also kind of rough. Another one of the holidays that I hadn't celebrated alone in over a decade. It was interesting. I partied with my friends and went out dancing and what not. I went to a gay club and ran into Perez Hilton and Janice Dickenson. That was interesting. So weird to go to a club and run into celebrities like that. I had an ok time. It was mostly a gay guy club with few women. I blended right in. I found myself checking some guys out but I'm still confused about my attraction to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at them because I'd like to look like them and other times I'm not sure. That's still a work in progress. I'm still attracted to women, that hasn't changed at least.
Those are my major updates for now. Remember to send me any questions, comments, feedback. That stuff is always appreciated.
Thanks!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Life is good
I've just been working a lot these past couple of weeks. Things at my new job are interesting. Some people know I'm trans and some don't. Nobody treats me any differently though. They all refer to me as a "HE" and go about their business. It's great to be able to walk into a work setting and have people refer to me as male from the beginning. It's a very different experience compared to my last job where I had to tell people and correct them and put up with their bullshit.
Things in LA are good for the most part overall. I'm living with another transman which is nice. He and I are able to discuss our issues, feelings, physical side effects, etc. We are good support for one another. And we have been on t for almost the same amount of time.
Speaking of, soon it's going to be a year since I have been on T!! It's so crazy! So much of me has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I know there are definite physical changes but I kind of expected my body to change shape a little more. Maybe that comes in the second year of T though. Time will tell.
Recently, my dad's side of the family discovered my video blog and written blog. And that's interesting because I really don't have a relationship with my father so he doesn't even know that I'm transitioning. So that was interesting. I was happy to hear from his family that they are supportive and happy for me. I wonder what my dad's reaction will be when he hears through the grapevine.
Other than working and the stuff I've mentioned, not too much else is going on. I'm focused on making friends and supporting myself with positive people and that has been going well. California is full of such diversity and an appreciation for diversity and that is what I love about it. It's easy to find somewhere to fit in and I've found my place. :)
Hope everyone is well. Feel free to send along comments and questions as always.
Things in LA are good for the most part overall. I'm living with another transman which is nice. He and I are able to discuss our issues, feelings, physical side effects, etc. We are good support for one another. And we have been on t for almost the same amount of time.
Speaking of, soon it's going to be a year since I have been on T!! It's so crazy! So much of me has changed and yet so much has remained the same. I know there are definite physical changes but I kind of expected my body to change shape a little more. Maybe that comes in the second year of T though. Time will tell.
Recently, my dad's side of the family discovered my video blog and written blog. And that's interesting because I really don't have a relationship with my father so he doesn't even know that I'm transitioning. So that was interesting. I was happy to hear from his family that they are supportive and happy for me. I wonder what my dad's reaction will be when he hears through the grapevine.
Other than working and the stuff I've mentioned, not too much else is going on. I'm focused on making friends and supporting myself with positive people and that has been going well. California is full of such diversity and an appreciation for diversity and that is what I love about it. It's easy to find somewhere to fit in and I've found my place. :)
Hope everyone is well. Feel free to send along comments and questions as always.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I moved
Sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to blogging. It's hard to keep up with myself in this life of mine sometimes.
I relocated once again. I decided to put off law school and to move back to Los Angeles. I left Los Angeles a little too early last time so it's a city I'm not quite done with. I'm happier here, I have a job and a place to live, so things are going well.
I have been more moody recently, and that could be because I moved, but also because of the hormones. I just notice a lot of up and down mood swinging happening at random and it's hard to deal with sometimes. I hope it levels out soon.
I'm getting hairier, as if that were even possible. I'm Jewish and was naturally hairy but the T found a way to add a little more. I'm also breaking out more on my body and face, another down side to taking the t.
I'm now researching surgeons a little bit for top surgery. I'm coming up to being on hormones for a year so now surgery is even a possibility and that's exciting.
That's all for now!
I relocated once again. I decided to put off law school and to move back to Los Angeles. I left Los Angeles a little too early last time so it's a city I'm not quite done with. I'm happier here, I have a job and a place to live, so things are going well.
I have been more moody recently, and that could be because I moved, but also because of the hormones. I just notice a lot of up and down mood swinging happening at random and it's hard to deal with sometimes. I hope it levels out soon.
I'm getting hairier, as if that were even possible. I'm Jewish and was naturally hairy but the T found a way to add a little more. I'm also breaking out more on my body and face, another down side to taking the t.
I'm now researching surgeons a little bit for top surgery. I'm coming up to being on hormones for a year so now surgery is even a possibility and that's exciting.
That's all for now!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And now I'm becoming attracted to men?.......
A day that I thought would never happen. But now I find myself becoming more attracted to men. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would happen to me, nor did anyone else in my life who knew just how girl crazy I was.
I am noticing men more often in every day life. I am actually checking them out sometimes, and finding myself attracted. I just need to sort out in which way I'm attracted. I get confused easily because sometimes I feel an attraction to a man I want to look like, and then sometimes I feel attracted to a man who I just happen to think is attractive.
I'm not sure that these attractions I'm feeling are anything that I would act upon, but I guess it's a possibility.
I've been really struggling with this though. It is scary and new. I talked with a few friends of mine about it and they were in shock. I almost didn't want to put it in my blog because it's such a sensitive topic, but I'm all about being open and honest.
I'll be sure to update everyone as I figure it out. But I have a feeling it's going to be a slow process. We'll see what happens.
I am noticing men more often in every day life. I am actually checking them out sometimes, and finding myself attracted. I just need to sort out in which way I'm attracted. I get confused easily because sometimes I feel an attraction to a man I want to look like, and then sometimes I feel attracted to a man who I just happen to think is attractive.
I'm not sure that these attractions I'm feeling are anything that I would act upon, but I guess it's a possibility.
I've been really struggling with this though. It is scary and new. I talked with a few friends of mine about it and they were in shock. I almost didn't want to put it in my blog because it's such a sensitive topic, but I'm all about being open and honest.
I'll be sure to update everyone as I figure it out. But I have a feeling it's going to be a slow process. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Today is my birthday!
Today I turn 26. Today is my first birthday as a man. Today is a day I have been dreaming about since I was young. I'm a happy happy boy! :)
Previously I mentioned that I would be doing a question and answer blog. I am still planning on doing that. So, if you have any questions about me, my transition, anything you want to know, please feel free to submit them to me. You can leave them as you comment on my blog or send me an email. My email address is jamie.machotka@gmail.com.
Thanks everyone who continues to read my blog. I hope you continue to find it interesting and insightful!
Previously I mentioned that I would be doing a question and answer blog. I am still planning on doing that. So, if you have any questions about me, my transition, anything you want to know, please feel free to submit them to me. You can leave them as you comment on my blog or send me an email. My email address is jamie.machotka@gmail.com.
Thanks everyone who continues to read my blog. I hope you continue to find it interesting and insightful!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I HAVE BACK HAIR
Well, now I know for sure my testosterone is working. I now have hair growing on my back.
When I embarked on this transition, I knew it was a possibility, I wasn't necessarily hoping for it, but it's a side effect. It's not terribly thick or anything yet, but it's there. I noticed it today when I got out of the shower! I noticed it on the upper part of my back near my shoulders.
I could be imagining things, but I also feel for some reason like my hands are getting bigger. I don't think that can happen, but I swear it is happening. My hands seem like they are so much bigger and longer than they used to be. It's that or I never really noticed that I have rather large hands!
Onto other things, I finally have uploaded the video interview with two of my friends. This interview took place November 21, 2008, so it's a month or so old.
Enjoy!
When I embarked on this transition, I knew it was a possibility, I wasn't necessarily hoping for it, but it's a side effect. It's not terribly thick or anything yet, but it's there. I noticed it today when I got out of the shower! I noticed it on the upper part of my back near my shoulders.
I could be imagining things, but I also feel for some reason like my hands are getting bigger. I don't think that can happen, but I swear it is happening. My hands seem like they are so much bigger and longer than they used to be. It's that or I never really noticed that I have rather large hands!
Onto other things, I finally have uploaded the video interview with two of my friends. This interview took place November 21, 2008, so it's a month or so old.
Enjoy!
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