I'm happy to announce that my third article has been published. You can read it by following this link. http://www.inlamagazine.com/1121/features/feat_2.html
Enjoy!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was interesting this year. First off, it was my first Thanksgiving as a man and that felt somewhat liberating.
I spent the first part of my day with the Silvers Family, a family of 5 children and a mom that have always been closer to me than my own family. The oldest of the 5 children is 27 or 28, and the youngest is about to be 18. I cherish all of them dearly. I am close with all of them and some of them live out of town so it was nice to have them all back in one house for the holiday. For some of them, it was their first time seeing me at all since I started transitioning and they all handled it so well. Each of them are incredibly supportive. They just know and love me as me, and whatever I choose to be or choose not to be is totally fine by them. I couldn't have asked for a warmer welcoming. They asked me questions about how I take the hormones and what changes I've noticed and they commented on how much they like my facial hair. :)
After I got to spend some time with them, it was off to Angie's house, my mom's best friend. I was told that there were going to be a lot of different people at Angie's house, some of Angie's family, some of her and my mom's friends, so kind of a random group. And I was slightly nervous. I had a feeling my mom wasn't going to talk about my transition with anyone or warn them ahead of time and I was right. I was going back and forth about whether or not I was going to shave my face for the occasion, and I decided not to. I really didn't want to shave and the only reason I was going to consider shaving was so that I didn't have to come out to a bunch of people and make the holiday about me and my transition. But that would just be avoiding reality. So, I didn't shave and I walked in sporting my scruffy face. When I walked in the door and saw some familiar faces, it was a little awkward. I could tell by the way some people were looking at me that they clearly had not been told. But it was ok. No one shunned me or looked at me in an unsupportive way. I mostly just got looks of people putting the pieces together, like Jamie has a beard now, oh so that must mean Jamie is male. It went more smoothly then I thought it would, though I was slightly put off by my mom's attitude of avoidance. I got to spend some time with my sister and her children which was nice also. They were a good distraction for me as I was feeling like all eyes were on me for a little while. I also got to catch up with a childhood buddy of mine. He is Angie's son and was my best friend in the world when I was younger. He was also really supportive which was important to me. I also spent my time chit chatting with him and catching up. Another nice distraction.
After I was at Angie's, I then returned to the Silvers house for dessert. When we are all together, we like to sing as a family. Each year we sing some songs from Rent, an this year we also sang a little bit from Wicked. Each year I would normally sing a duet with Joanna (the musical theatre major of the family, and an aspiring Broadway Star). We usually sing "Take me or Leave me", but this year was different. I can no longer sing those notes so we decided to have me sing the reprise of "I'll cover you". And I did it, and I hit all of the notes. And they all applauded so loudly and said, "Congratulations, this is your celebration into manhood. You've officially become a man". I got teary eyed. It was awesome. They just love me and were so supportive. They as a whole, don't think twice about accepting people as they are. They are truly the most loving people I know. So, they really made my Thanksgiving a happy one, the happiest one I've had in a long time.
Here's a quick Vlog update
I spent the first part of my day with the Silvers Family, a family of 5 children and a mom that have always been closer to me than my own family. The oldest of the 5 children is 27 or 28, and the youngest is about to be 18. I cherish all of them dearly. I am close with all of them and some of them live out of town so it was nice to have them all back in one house for the holiday. For some of them, it was their first time seeing me at all since I started transitioning and they all handled it so well. Each of them are incredibly supportive. They just know and love me as me, and whatever I choose to be or choose not to be is totally fine by them. I couldn't have asked for a warmer welcoming. They asked me questions about how I take the hormones and what changes I've noticed and they commented on how much they like my facial hair. :)
After I got to spend some time with them, it was off to Angie's house, my mom's best friend. I was told that there were going to be a lot of different people at Angie's house, some of Angie's family, some of her and my mom's friends, so kind of a random group. And I was slightly nervous. I had a feeling my mom wasn't going to talk about my transition with anyone or warn them ahead of time and I was right. I was going back and forth about whether or not I was going to shave my face for the occasion, and I decided not to. I really didn't want to shave and the only reason I was going to consider shaving was so that I didn't have to come out to a bunch of people and make the holiday about me and my transition. But that would just be avoiding reality. So, I didn't shave and I walked in sporting my scruffy face. When I walked in the door and saw some familiar faces, it was a little awkward. I could tell by the way some people were looking at me that they clearly had not been told. But it was ok. No one shunned me or looked at me in an unsupportive way. I mostly just got looks of people putting the pieces together, like Jamie has a beard now, oh so that must mean Jamie is male. It went more smoothly then I thought it would, though I was slightly put off by my mom's attitude of avoidance. I got to spend some time with my sister and her children which was nice also. They were a good distraction for me as I was feeling like all eyes were on me for a little while. I also got to catch up with a childhood buddy of mine. He is Angie's son and was my best friend in the world when I was younger. He was also really supportive which was important to me. I also spent my time chit chatting with him and catching up. Another nice distraction.
After I was at Angie's, I then returned to the Silvers house for dessert. When we are all together, we like to sing as a family. Each year we sing some songs from Rent, an this year we also sang a little bit from Wicked. Each year I would normally sing a duet with Joanna (the musical theatre major of the family, and an aspiring Broadway Star). We usually sing "Take me or Leave me", but this year was different. I can no longer sing those notes so we decided to have me sing the reprise of "I'll cover you". And I did it, and I hit all of the notes. And they all applauded so loudly and said, "Congratulations, this is your celebration into manhood. You've officially become a man". I got teary eyed. It was awesome. They just love me and were so supportive. They as a whole, don't think twice about accepting people as they are. They are truly the most loving people I know. So, they really made my Thanksgiving a happy one, the happiest one I've had in a long time.
Here's a quick Vlog update
Sunday, November 23, 2008
some kind of fluke
Today I went to go fill my prescription of the testosterone gel/cream at Walgreens. It usually costs me $300 for the one month supply, but today, by some miracle, my insurance covered $260 of it!! So, I think it was some kind of fluke, but I'm not sure. I can't imagine a medical reason that my stingy insurance company would cover testosterone gel for a "female". In any event, I'm just thankful I saved some money. That was nice.
Today at the gym my quads felt like they were in fire. I was on the elliptical, and the spot where I gave myself my last injection, on my right quad, started cramping terribly. I've never felt a muscle cramp like this. It is the kind of cramp I've only experienced in my toes randomly, in the middle of the night. You know the kind, where your toe cramps and your foot cramps so badly, your toe is able to get stuck by itself pointing in some weird direction, and it hurts like a bitch! Well, that is what occurred today in my right qaud and I thought I was going to fall off of the elliptical. After a few stops and restarts though, the cramp finally went away on its own. I love puberty.
I can't believe Thanksgiving is so soon. We are doing it in a weird style this year. Usually, we go to my Aunt Sherri's house, but this year, we aren't. Instead, we are going to my mom's best friend's house. I'm not that excited though because I have a feeling a lot of random people and families will be there as well, and they will be people who haven't heard about me at all, or if they even know who I am, they will not have heard about my transition. I'm fine with coming out on my own and owning who I am, but I wish when it came to my mom's close friends, that she were comfortable enough to talk to them about my transition and to inform them.
So, I'm hesitant to just show up there with my 5 o'clock shadow, but I don't want to have to shave for the occasion either. I want to be able to be me, to come out to people if necessary, but not to make the holiday all about me and my transition at the same time. There's a delicate balance I need to strike, and I'm not sure at all how to go about doing it.
I really felt like most of my coming out days were over since mostly everyone knows. But I forget about the holidays when you see a million people you don't normally see and what not. It's stressing me out because I don't even know who I'm goin to run into at this point.
I'll just have to take each moment and each person as they come I suppose.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm having some internet problems at home currently, that are impairing my ability to upload videos. They keep timing out. I hope to have that fixed asap because I have some new videos to post.
One of the videos is a quick interview with two girls, Danielle and Brittany, that I grew up with. We have all known each other since we were 3 or 4. I asked them how they felt about my transition, what they struggle with most, how they feel about it overall, stuff like that. And I can't wait to share the video with everyone.
Today at the gym my quads felt like they were in fire. I was on the elliptical, and the spot where I gave myself my last injection, on my right quad, started cramping terribly. I've never felt a muscle cramp like this. It is the kind of cramp I've only experienced in my toes randomly, in the middle of the night. You know the kind, where your toe cramps and your foot cramps so badly, your toe is able to get stuck by itself pointing in some weird direction, and it hurts like a bitch! Well, that is what occurred today in my right qaud and I thought I was going to fall off of the elliptical. After a few stops and restarts though, the cramp finally went away on its own. I love puberty.
I can't believe Thanksgiving is so soon. We are doing it in a weird style this year. Usually, we go to my Aunt Sherri's house, but this year, we aren't. Instead, we are going to my mom's best friend's house. I'm not that excited though because I have a feeling a lot of random people and families will be there as well, and they will be people who haven't heard about me at all, or if they even know who I am, they will not have heard about my transition. I'm fine with coming out on my own and owning who I am, but I wish when it came to my mom's close friends, that she were comfortable enough to talk to them about my transition and to inform them.
So, I'm hesitant to just show up there with my 5 o'clock shadow, but I don't want to have to shave for the occasion either. I want to be able to be me, to come out to people if necessary, but not to make the holiday all about me and my transition at the same time. There's a delicate balance I need to strike, and I'm not sure at all how to go about doing it.
I really felt like most of my coming out days were over since mostly everyone knows. But I forget about the holidays when you see a million people you don't normally see and what not. It's stressing me out because I don't even know who I'm goin to run into at this point.
I'll just have to take each moment and each person as they come I suppose.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm having some internet problems at home currently, that are impairing my ability to upload videos. They keep timing out. I hope to have that fixed asap because I have some new videos to post.
One of the videos is a quick interview with two girls, Danielle and Brittany, that I grew up with. We have all known each other since we were 3 or 4. I asked them how they felt about my transition, what they struggle with most, how they feel about it overall, stuff like that. And I can't wait to share the video with everyone.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
a little down
I've just been trying to stay busy by studying my ass off for my exam. I'm not even sure that I'm going to be ready to take it. Even after all of this preparation, I'm considering postponing it. I really don't want to, so we'll just see what happens as I get closer to the exam.
Some good news though... I went with my mother and my sister to get a pedicure and a manicure ( I like to be a well-groomed gentleman :P ). We went to a place where my mom is well known. I had never been there before and my mom introduced me as her son and used male pronouns the entire time I was there. This was a huge accomplishment. I hope she is finally turning the corner and getting to a point where she won't revert back to her old ways.
My facial hair is a little less "spotty" these days. It's starting to fill in. And my eyebrows look like "man" brows now. I used to have incredibly girly, arched eyebrows, so it's been a process to get them to where they are today. I have a great esthetician who I have been seeing since I was 12. Her name is Marina and she is very accepting of me so thats comforting as well.
I've also started working out more and I can already tell a difference in my body. Literally the shape of my entire body is changing. I can totally tell that my hips are different for sure. It's so strange, but I just look in the mirror and I look different all over. My tshirts are even fitting me differently. I know part of this is due to weight loss, but some of it is also due to the T I think.
The dose of T that I inject myself got doubled, but now I do it less frequently. I used to give myself .5 cc every week. Now I give myself 1 cc every three weeks. I felt a huge surge in energy and spirit after the injection, now it's starting to wear off a little more. I also use the gel that rubs into my skin daily and that seems to help.
But as I get further into the transition, my moods are just a nightmare. I am so up and so down and I really wish that would level out some more. I do have stress in life that is also adding to the pile, but, it's still a lot to deal with even when nothing is going on.
This round of puberty is much worse than my first one. I know I'm going through it for a good reason and for the end result that I'm looking forward to, but being in the actual transition right now and dealing with all of this weighs on me.
I am just so moody, most of the time, for no good reason at all. And I find the people around me at a loss for how to deal with me sometimes. I think it really is hard for people to grasp that I am an adult going through puberty and that some of this just cannot be helped. It truly is physiological in nature. I'm doing my part to cope with it, therapy, writing, reading, talking, exercise, and even with my best foot forward, it can still sometimes get in the way.
That would be my biggest complaint of the transition overall. I don't like feeling awkward randomly, losing my words, feeling insecure for no good reason, but I think if I can just learn to accept it all for now and not be so hard on myself, that that may help it ease up a bit. As mentioned before, I am a harsh self critic. Aren't we all though?
That's the scoop for now.
Some good news though... I went with my mother and my sister to get a pedicure and a manicure ( I like to be a well-groomed gentleman :P ). We went to a place where my mom is well known. I had never been there before and my mom introduced me as her son and used male pronouns the entire time I was there. This was a huge accomplishment. I hope she is finally turning the corner and getting to a point where she won't revert back to her old ways.
My facial hair is a little less "spotty" these days. It's starting to fill in. And my eyebrows look like "man" brows now. I used to have incredibly girly, arched eyebrows, so it's been a process to get them to where they are today. I have a great esthetician who I have been seeing since I was 12. Her name is Marina and she is very accepting of me so thats comforting as well.
I've also started working out more and I can already tell a difference in my body. Literally the shape of my entire body is changing. I can totally tell that my hips are different for sure. It's so strange, but I just look in the mirror and I look different all over. My tshirts are even fitting me differently. I know part of this is due to weight loss, but some of it is also due to the T I think.
The dose of T that I inject myself got doubled, but now I do it less frequently. I used to give myself .5 cc every week. Now I give myself 1 cc every three weeks. I felt a huge surge in energy and spirit after the injection, now it's starting to wear off a little more. I also use the gel that rubs into my skin daily and that seems to help.
But as I get further into the transition, my moods are just a nightmare. I am so up and so down and I really wish that would level out some more. I do have stress in life that is also adding to the pile, but, it's still a lot to deal with even when nothing is going on.
This round of puberty is much worse than my first one. I know I'm going through it for a good reason and for the end result that I'm looking forward to, but being in the actual transition right now and dealing with all of this weighs on me.
I am just so moody, most of the time, for no good reason at all. And I find the people around me at a loss for how to deal with me sometimes. I think it really is hard for people to grasp that I am an adult going through puberty and that some of this just cannot be helped. It truly is physiological in nature. I'm doing my part to cope with it, therapy, writing, reading, talking, exercise, and even with my best foot forward, it can still sometimes get in the way.
That would be my biggest complaint of the transition overall. I don't like feeling awkward randomly, losing my words, feeling insecure for no good reason, but I think if I can just learn to accept it all for now and not be so hard on myself, that that may help it ease up a bit. As mentioned before, I am a harsh self critic. Aren't we all though?
That's the scoop for now.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
busy busy busy
My LSAT exam is one month away! That is crazy! I have been studying a lot for this exam and I have a lot riding on it.
That said, I'm sorry I haven't been better about blogging. As soon as this exam is over, I hope to be back on track. For the time being though, I am aiming to update my blog once a week.
This week I'm feeling very crabby. I had to skip my t shot for the week because my doctor wants my blood drawn, and he wants to see what my testosterone level is at without my next injection. I am feeling withdrawals from it and it's making me a cranker pants!
I'm having my blood drawn tomorrow though, so after that, I should be feeling better :) I'm nervous to go and have my blood drawn though because I'm going to have to explain that I'm trans. I have to explain it usually because I have to fill out the forms to bill my medical insurance and according to my insurance I am still female. That really bothers me and I wish I could change that stuff already, but I have to wait to legally change my sex until I've had a surgery of some sort, and that won't be happening for at least another 6 months.
When I do get to do my shot tomorrow, my dose has gone up. I will be injecting myself with 1cc of t, but I will only be doing that every three weeks. And, I will be using a half tube of the testim gel daily. The gel has really been helping level me out. When I wasn't using the gel and just injecting myself weekly, I would feel a surge of energy and goodness at the beginning of each week, and then it would level off and have me feeling kind of crappy towards the end of the week. So, the gel kind of helps me stay more even keeled and it's nice.
My facial hair is coming in thicker around my chin, but not necessarily thicker around my whole face so thats kind of irritating. I mean I sport a pretty nice 5 o clock shadow, but I would like it to come in evenly. Doctor says that should be happening soon, especially because my dose is increasing.
My body seems like it is changing shape some more also. I just feel like my pants sit differently around my waist. I don't know how else to describe it.
I'm still binding everyday, which can get irritating, but its necessary if I want to pass so I just suck up and deal.
I saw a school psychologist last week and was tested for learning disabilities. It turns out I actually have one, and its directly related to math, which has always been and continues to be my worst subject. So, in some ways I feel better knowing that there is a rational, logical reason I always did so poorly and struggled in math.
My mother and some of my close friends are still struggling to call me "He". And now that I wear a 5 o clock shadow on my face pretty much everyday, now its become really embarrassing to be referred to as a "She". My mom did it yesterday while we were shopping in the mens section of a store, and the clerk looked at her like she was senile. I laughed, but at the same time, I just wish she could get it right. Some days she tries, but most days I feel like she is still fighting against me.
Those are the updates for now. I will try to post a talking video later!
That said, I'm sorry I haven't been better about blogging. As soon as this exam is over, I hope to be back on track. For the time being though, I am aiming to update my blog once a week.
This week I'm feeling very crabby. I had to skip my t shot for the week because my doctor wants my blood drawn, and he wants to see what my testosterone level is at without my next injection. I am feeling withdrawals from it and it's making me a cranker pants!
I'm having my blood drawn tomorrow though, so after that, I should be feeling better :) I'm nervous to go and have my blood drawn though because I'm going to have to explain that I'm trans. I have to explain it usually because I have to fill out the forms to bill my medical insurance and according to my insurance I am still female. That really bothers me and I wish I could change that stuff already, but I have to wait to legally change my sex until I've had a surgery of some sort, and that won't be happening for at least another 6 months.
When I do get to do my shot tomorrow, my dose has gone up. I will be injecting myself with 1cc of t, but I will only be doing that every three weeks. And, I will be using a half tube of the testim gel daily. The gel has really been helping level me out. When I wasn't using the gel and just injecting myself weekly, I would feel a surge of energy and goodness at the beginning of each week, and then it would level off and have me feeling kind of crappy towards the end of the week. So, the gel kind of helps me stay more even keeled and it's nice.
My facial hair is coming in thicker around my chin, but not necessarily thicker around my whole face so thats kind of irritating. I mean I sport a pretty nice 5 o clock shadow, but I would like it to come in evenly. Doctor says that should be happening soon, especially because my dose is increasing.
My body seems like it is changing shape some more also. I just feel like my pants sit differently around my waist. I don't know how else to describe it.
I'm still binding everyday, which can get irritating, but its necessary if I want to pass so I just suck up and deal.
I saw a school psychologist last week and was tested for learning disabilities. It turns out I actually have one, and its directly related to math, which has always been and continues to be my worst subject. So, in some ways I feel better knowing that there is a rational, logical reason I always did so poorly and struggled in math.
My mother and some of my close friends are still struggling to call me "He". And now that I wear a 5 o clock shadow on my face pretty much everyday, now its become really embarrassing to be referred to as a "She". My mom did it yesterday while we were shopping in the mens section of a store, and the clerk looked at her like she was senile. I laughed, but at the same time, I just wish she could get it right. Some days she tries, but most days I feel like she is still fighting against me.
Those are the updates for now. I will try to post a talking video later!
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