Thoughts about LA

So,

today I experienced my first earthquake ever, and what a special goodbye for LA to give it to me 4 days before I leave!!

It was a terrifying experience as I was in a high rise building downtown next to a construction site, but I'm ok.

In other news, this week has been relatively calm. I've just been focused on packing and getting ready to move back to Chicago. I still feel at peace with my decision, and at a time when my hormones make me get a little crazy, that is important to note.

My voice is continuing to drop, which is awesome. I'm seeing my body kind of pick up momentum and change more rapidly which is great. I felt myself growing impatient and wanting more change in less time, and now it is happening.

I've come out to a few more people in my life, mostly past friends from highschool who are still in the Chicago area. I wanted to let them know what my deal was before we got together again so they wouldn't be shocked. They have all been very supportive and knew it was coming.

I haven't however, come out to my father yet and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I feel like it needs to be soon. For those of you who don't know me, I have a very strained and awkward relationship with my father. We've never been very close but we do try to talk once in a while. My transition is something I want him to be informed of, I'm just not sure how to do it. He never really knew me or had a sense of who I was as his daughter, so I'm not sure how he's going to have a sense of anything with me as his son. When I told him I was gay in highschool though, he was pretty accepting.

He will be in Chicago at the end of August and I plan on at least seeing him once then. But I think I'm going to change so much by then that I'm thinking of writing him an email to come out to him before that. Perhaps I will send him a copy of my first article to tell him, like I did at work. I need to get this taken care of though because it is on my mind and bothering me. I'm not ashamed to tell him in the least, but I feel like there is so much to tell him, to educate him on, about ME and MY gender. So I guess I feel like there's never really ample time, but I guess I just have to make some.

I'm also kind of worried about my mother's reaction when she sees me. I know how different I look since the last time she has seen me and I hope she doesn't flip out. When I moved to Los Angeles a year ago, I was sure I'd complete my transition and then return home. But part of me is glad I'm returning before then because I think it is important for my mom to see the work in progress. I think it's a journey for everyone in my life so the more people that get to witness the changes first hand, or at least seeing me on a semi regular basis, perhaps the easier it will be to accept.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about myself and where I was a year ago and where I am now. I'm really proud of the progress I've made. I was an entirely different person a year ago, a person I was proud of, but now I'm even more proud. I really had to take care of myself this year and finally step up and do what was necessary to make me happy and it feels good knowing I took the right steps and did the right thing. I'm surprised to say that I don't have any regrets about LA. I thought I'd regret not going after comedy more, or an agent, but I don't. I know that if I'm going to pursue comedy in the future, it's not going to be in LA, and nor does it have to be. I also know that the real reason I came here was to give myself the space and time I needed to transition, and to grow into who I wanted to be.

So, I'm very emotional, but all in good ways about departing LA. There a few fabulous people I am going to miss, but they are the kind of people I know I will never lose touch with, and that is comforting.

My last update, is that I'm currently writing my second piece for IN LA Magazine. I sent it to my editor and just got it back to touch it up again! I'm so excited that they want another article from me. It really feels awesome to just be appreciated for who I am and to get to share my story.

Ok, now off to pack some more!

Everything is coming together

Finally,

I am happy to report that I think things are starting to come together more. I took a lot of time to think, ponder, change my mind a million and a half times, and I've made some important decisions in the past week.

I was about to sign a lease in LA for the next nine months. And I just couldn't do it. I had people around me questioning why I was committing to LA another 9 months and what I had here, and the answer was, I don't know, and I don't feel like I have much if anything at all.

I gave LA my best shot for now. I became disillusioned with the dream of being a comic and what it really takes in a city like this. I also started transitioning and I think ultimately I had to choose one journey over the other. The transition came first, and I'm happy about it. Nonetheless, I'm done with LA as a result.

I need to be near my major support systems and right now, they are in Chicago. So, I have a year to kill while I prepare to take the LSAT in December and then apply to law school. I decided I want to spend that time with my family, close friends, and girlfriend. It's important, ESPECIALLY at this time.

So, I've made my decision. I'm leaving LA next week and I couldn't be more excited.
I'll be driving home this time and I'm kind of looking forward to the road trip. I've never been to some of the states I'll be driving through.

I'm also happy to report that I will be applying for a new driver's license that says I'm a male!!! California is apparently one of the only states that lets you change your sex on your license before you have surgery. I just had to have my doctor here fill out a form. I'm going to apply for my new license tomorrow!!!

I know I'll be driving on a California license in Illinois, but that's ok with me. It's safer for me to have that license saying I'm male now that I fully present as one, then me getting pulled over in the suburbs of Chicago and having a license that says female while I have a 5 o'clock shadow.

Also, I've been asked to write another article for IN LA magazine!!! The first one got a lot of feedback, great reviews, and they like my story. So, I'll be sure to keep you posted on when the next one is published!

It is a little overwhelming to be working 40 hours a week and packing up all my stuff, but it has also been therapeutic. I feel a lot more at peace this week than I have in a long time, and I'm very very grateful.

In terms of physical changes this week, there are a few. Those of you who know me and my singing voice know that one of my favorite tunes to sing at karaoke was Bonnie Rait, Let's Give Em Something to talk about. I'm sad and proud to report that I can no longer hit the high notes in that song!!!! It's crazy!! In one week, I feel like my voice dropped so much!!!

I've also been getting a lot hairier on my legs and my facial hair is coming in thicker. The hair on my head also feels like the texture is changing and like I'm losing some of it....I swear if I get male pattern baldness as a result of this....I'm definitely going to the Hair Club for Men.

The transition of my entire life continues. Stay tuned!!

Emotionally all over the place

So,

I have increased my dose of t to once a week instead of once every two weeks. I was super excited to speed things up now that I am out at work and most of my life knows. However, I am really feeling some major effects this week, and I'm not sure what is going on.

For one, my mood swings are at an all time high. I've got extreme highs and lows going on. And its also affecting the way I communicate with others and treat others. I flipped out on my girlfriend and my best friend within a few days of each other. And when I say flip out, I mean I did so entirely in a disrespectful and destructive manner. And I feel ashamed. And yet I don't know where it came from or why, or how to really prevent it...which is scary. My best friend told me she had never seen me act that way and she was surprised, shocked, etc..but that she understood. She was very understanding and I apologized profusely once I realized just how bad it was. Same goes for my girlfriend.

I truly feel like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. I'm relearning my own body as if it is for the first time. I'm dealing with the mood swings, acne, awkward feelings, inability to communicate effectively, all of it. And it sucks right now. It feels like it just snuck up on me. And as the week ends, I feel a lot worse. My body starts to crave the t, its like I can feel an imbalance and I need my t shot. It's not an addiction, it's more like a crave...like the way I would crave junk food when I got my period...hope that makes sense.

On the days I take my t shot, I feel high as a kite. I feel like a million bucks. But after that first day passes, the awkwardness creeps in, the insecure feelings, I really had no idea I was going to be experiencing all of this in quite this way. And then I'm trying to balance these feelings of puberty in an adult life with adult relationships and a job and its challenging. It's hard to stay in check with everyone else when I can't stay in check with myself. I feel like I'm just supposed to follow the journey and follow the path but sometimes I feel like I get so lost and I don't know where its headed for a little while....and then I somehow re-center and find my way back.

But I feel all of this up and down, lost and found on a weekly basis. And I just HOPE that as my body gets used to having these doses more frequently, I will level out. I need to. I've been so moody and so crabby and I really don't want to be.

Positive changes to note from the increase though...my voice is already dropping more :) One of my co-workers even noticed today so that made me happy. I'm getting more hair on my chest and legs. My facial hair is coming in more and filling in the patches where no hair existed. My muscles are extremely sore and tight, but I can feel them shifting somehow. My arms feel more muscular and so do my calves.

And I pass more for a guy on a daily basis overall. And it feels great. It feels nice to be noticed for who I am. :)

Now I'm still apartment hunting and need to close in on one very soon, like by this weekend. I can't wait to have my own space. I think that will definitely help me be less moody. :)

My weekend and some more updates

Ok,

so since I was in a bit of a funk the other day, I didn't get to go into a lot of detail about my weekend, which I would like to do now.

As I said, I had an incredible weekend and spent time with incredible people, one in particular. Her name is Rebecca and she's from the Chicagoland area. I've known her for a year and only recently did we grow closer.

She came to visit for the 4th of July and I can honestly say I had one of the best weekends of my life with her. I don't want to go into too much depth. I just want to say that I've met someone incredible and I'm very excited to see where this goes. I really wasn't looking for anyone or anything, and that is when it always seems to happen. She's incredibly comfortable with herself, with me, and SUPPORTIVE of me and who I am and this transition. And that is exactly what I need. I'm living proof that when one door closes, another opens. It all goes just the way it is supposed to. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason.

I went to therapy last night and I'm starting to figure my stuff out slowly. I have started to semi-develop a plan so thats good. I think I may be heading to law school in the next year or so, which means it's time to get my ass in gear for the LSAT exam. So, I think for the time being I'll stay put in LA while studying for that and planning the rest out. I also don't want to uproot myself while still transitioning at this point. I like my "team", if you will. They are incredibly important to me.

Thank you to those of you who commented with some advice. It was much needed and I did listen. I'm trying to relax,journal, dream, and take it one step at a time.

It's so easy to get all caught up in the anxiety and the questions about what to do and how to do it. But I need to give myself more credit and have more faith in the universe and trust that everything will fall into place.

Overall, things at work are getting better. People are making the effort to use male pronouns and I call them out on it to help them. It's nice not to have to worry about my transition at work now. Being comfortable has allowed me to increase my dosage of testosterone as well so that should speed up the overall process.

I'm already exhibiting more signs. I have more facial hair, more chest hair, my voice is cracking A LOT lately. Although it's an intense process to go through, it feels totally "normal" and "natural" to me overall. Like, I'm just going through puberty to become who I've been meant to be my whole life. That part of it feels good. I've been passing as a man for the most part in my day to day life which is also great.

Emotionally though, I've had a very tough week. My most recent dose of t was on Monday and since then I've felt a surge of random emotions throughout the week. Although I have been having issues that are legit, the t has amplified my reactions to everything, which hasn't exactly been helping. But, I'm hoping increasing my dose will help speed things up and may possibly help me get off the rollercoaster I'm on. My body literally starts to crave the testosterone after a week or so, it's so weird.

My mom is going to be coming to LA in 3 weeks or so to help me find an apartment. I'm nervous about how she is going to react to me because I think I look significantly different than I used to. Should be interesting....I'll be sure to blog on that when it occurs.

That's about it for now.

Now its time to face the rest of my life

I'm apartment hunting and not sure where I want to live. I don't even know if I want to stay in LA. I know I want to remain in LA for maybe 6 more months just to finish transitioning in one place with the same doctors and support I've built myself. But my original goal in moving to LA was to pursue a career in the entertainment industry and I'm just not sure if that is what I want anymore. This transition is about so much more than my physical being. All of me is transforming and while I'm grateful for the experience, it is so much to deal with at once.

Currently, I'm re-evaluating everything in my life, how I look at life, what is important to me, where I want to go. While I feel I have a strong grasp on who I am and what I'm about, I have no idea what I want to do. I had thoughts of going to law school or grad school in the past, and those thoughts are starting to come up on me again. I graduated college a year ago and I feel like time stood still. I don't feel like I'm anywhere I thought I'd be, except for the transitioning.

I'm 25 and I have the world at my feet. I really do. And I have no fucking idea what to do with it all. I'm so scared to commit to grad school or law school and pick the wrong profession. I'm scared to close the door on a career in entertainment. I'm so scared but I'm not doing anything about it and nor do I know what to do about it. And part of me doesn't want to do anything about anything until I'm further along in the transition. So basically I have myself running into walls. And I had another dose of testosterone this morning which definitely could be heightening things. It really feels like going through puberty all over again. I haven't been so touchy in 10+ years!! And I'm choosing to do all of this voluntarily...so I guess that tells us all something. I'm really serious about this.

If anyone has any advice on how to confront the issues of life or words of encouragement or suggestions on how to help me find my way, please feel free to share.