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Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Tough week
I have had a rough week this past week. Prop 8 was upheld in California. That was a real downer. I hope to become more politically involved in that hot button topic. I think its ridiculous that it even got passed in the first place. So, that started off the week.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.
Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.
Then I got into a fight with one of my best friends about me being trans and her not being able to see me as a man. I figured she just needed time, as most people have, because she's been a part of my life for so long and because she dated me. What I didn't realize was that time didn't seem to be doing the trick. I don't think she is able to see me as a man at all. She says she doesn't see me as either gender. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. But what hurt even more is that I don't think she's capable of ever seeing me the way I am now. She doesn't acknowledge who I have become, what I really am about, how I identify. We had a big argument, kind of a blow out about it, and I realized I didn't want to fight about it anymore. I have been clear about who I am, what I'm about, and what kind of support I need, especially from my close friends. She is not able to give me that support right now. She made my gender more about her and her feelings, when it should be about me. I didn't like that either. So, needless to say, I don't think we will be talking for a while, if at all.
Shortly after that, my girlfriend left to go abroad for the summer. And her first stop happens to be Kathmandu, Nepal, a place the United States just issued a travel advisory for. I'm not happy about that. I think she'll be ok, she's volunteering her time for a month at an orphanage through a program. They seem to really take care of their volunteers and have a protocol if at anytime, safety is an issue.
She's going to be gone a total of 2 months. She just graduated college and this is kind of her time to do the traveling she wants to do before joining the rest of us in the working world. But it's hard. I miss her terribly. She's my best friend and my biggest support. And it's hard not having access to her, just to talk, or when I need her. Once she is done with her traveling, she is planning on moving to LA, and I cannot wait until that happens. I hate long distance relationships. I really do. I promised myself I wouldn't get into any more of them, and I went back on that to get involved with Jordyn. She's definitely worth the wait, I'm just getting impatient.
Overall, I'd say I'm feeling impatient about my transition as well. I want to be able to have top surgery already. I want to be able to change my birth certificate, my passport, all of my legal documents, and I cannot do that until I have surgery. I cannot have surgery until I have enough money to pay for it all. I also wanted to apply to Birthright, a program that pays for Jewish young adults to go to Israel for free, if they have never been before. I feel like I can't apply with my current passport. I'm scared of having some kind of security issue leaving the country, or once I'm abroad. So, I just feel like the most important things in my life are kind of at a stand still, and it's making me a little upset.
I've come so far in the year I began transitioning. I have a lot of acceptance from most people in my life, myself, my place of employment, most of my close friends, my sister, etc. I just want to move onto the next step of having transitioned fully already. It was fun to blog about the gradual changes that were taking place within my body, but now I'm ready for the bigger changes. They won't come soon enough.
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