Male or Female?? Funny you should ask, I'm a...BOTH

Ok, so today is Monday and I'm high anxiety today because I have a job interview. To most people, high anxiety or some anxiety on an interviewing day is normal. The interview process causes others anxiety because they want to do well at the job interview, land the job, etc. I do not usually get nervous about that kind of stuff. I know how to sell myself, how to talk to people, how to land a job. What makes me nervous is, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM. And by that I mean, which sex I am supposed to say I am?? There is no guidebook for me on this one. Before I was just a butch lesbian and I owned that, making sure I dropped small hints (or large ones) to let people know I was female. Now that I'm transitioning though, I do not know what the hell to tell them!! Let's brainstorm this shall we?


Problems with telling future employers I'm female:

1) I look like a guy and sometimes people don't believe me
2)I'm BECOMING a guy, so maybe it would be easier to just tell them I'm a guy from the start??!
3) Sometimes when I'm perceived as a butch lesbian, I face A LOT of discrimination bc im not just a lesbian who adheres to normal gender roles and clothing, I cross the line in some peoples eyes, and it really bothers them!

Problems with telling future employers I'm MALE:

1) my voice is too high to pass for a real guy and they will think i'm lying
2) if I pass for a guy, then they ask for my identification (drivers license, passport), and those documents say FEMALE, so they won't hire me if that happens



So this is a very tricky position to be in. I'm in DIRE need of a job though and so I just keep trying to feel out the interview. But I'm starting to freak out a little because I'm actually taking hormones and I will be changing physically. And also, this whole process is a HUGE coming out. I already came out once and that was awful, and now I have to do it ALL over again. So its just tough to pick and choose where and when, and in this situation, it doesn't feel like I have a clear choice. I have no idea what will happen today.

And I guess the more I think about it, even when I am a guy, I really wish I didn't have to pick all the time. I wish that it didn't matter which sex I was. I believe there is a reason I was born and given a neutral name like JAMIE. And it just totally goes against all that when I walk into an interview and they start their sentence with "Hello, Miiiissssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttter??? um miisterrrrrrrrrrrrrsssszssssss??" It comes out so awkwardly and part of me wants to just laugh at them and with them. They address me in the same confused way I address myself at this point!!!!

I wish I had a doctorate in something so that I could avoid the categories altogether. They could call me Dr. Jamie or Dr. Machotka and be as confused as I am in this process!!!

Ok, well, I at least feel better after blogging about it. I just need to trust that what is meant to happen will happen, and I will be sure to put a post up later letting you know how all of this went down. Should be interesting!!!

Week 1 of Testosterone Treatment

So clearly, if you came to see my blog, you can tell from the title of it that this is about my transition. I was born female and I am now transitioning to become a male. I felt starting this blog would be important for several reasons.

1) It would inform people about my actual transition

2) It would keep people updated on how I am changing day to day, including photos and video!!

3) It would be educational, maybe even fun!!

4) Perhaps it will help other people who are dealing with this

5) It will help raise awareness


Some questions I think I should answer in the beginning of this blog.

What is involved in transitioning?

Well, basically, it involves alot of counseling and eventually hormones, and the option of surgeries. I will be sure to get into the details later.

Why did I decide to transition?

I've felt like a boy since I was young. I thought that perhaps I was just a butch lesbian and have attempted living that way, and I still wasn't happy. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I feel like I've been born into the wrong body and I would like how I feel on the inside to match with how I feel on the outside. After I graduated from college and moved to LA, I decided it was time to take this whole thing on. I know that I am not happy as I am, and I need to see this through. So I began therapy in November, and I have just recently been cleared and allowed to start my hormone treatment.

I received my first dose of testosterone on Wednesday, March 26th. It was an injection that went into my upper thigh. There are side effects of the testosterone such as increased appetite, increased sex drive, emotions all over the place. Basically, I will be going through puberty for a second time!! Oy, but I know it will be worth it in the end. My voice will deepen, I will develop facial hair, my muscles will be more developed, my body will redistribute my fat differently, my face may become more square. I could also develop acne!! I believe within 6 months to a year people will not be able to tell that I was born a female. I don't know how soon I will be feeling these side effects. I can tell you it has been a weird week already though. I'm going through so much emotionally already. I've been searching for a job for six months, I'm coming out to people all over again, I'm building a new network in a new city, etc. So maybe its the placebo effect, but I do feel different a little already. My emotions seem to be a little weird and I literally have had moments where I feel like a 12 year old awkward boy. But maybe I feel that way because I know what I'm about to embark on, so who knows.

However,I am so excited to finally start this part of my life and I want to be able to share it with everyone around me. Having the support of my friends and family is especially critical at this time in my life. So, please, send some positive energy my way in the form of comments on my blog, emails, phone calls, anything. I want to hear from everyone!!! I need to hear from my network of support!!! And please, if you have any questions at all, please ask!! If you feel they are too personal for the blog, email them to me and I will be happy to answer you!!! I love you Check out the video I just posted. This video was shot the day before my 1st dose of "T".