That thing called family

We all have a thing we call family. Mine happens to be driving me nuts right now.

I'm referring to my aunt and uncle, and one of their kids, my cousin Staci, who is getting married.

There's a big hooplah in my family whenever anyone is getting married because it then comes to deciding who is standing up in the wedding. My cousin Staci stood up in my sister's wedding so naturally, my sister and I both expected to stand up in her wedding.

Well, that is not going to be the case, for several reasons, and I'm ticked about it.

First of all, I think we aren't getting asked to stand up in Staci's wedding because we aren't skinny mini people, like the rest of the people standing up. Second, I know I am specifically not being asked to stand up in the wedding, because I requested to be a groomsman and not a bridesmaid.


I came out to my cousin shortly before she got engaged. And after she got engaged she felt it necessary to tell me that she hadn't decided who would be standing up in her wedding yet, but that she totally loved me and accepted me for who I am and wanted me to know that. I appreciated the gesture but I knew that she didn't fully accept me. When we talked about the possibility of me standing up in her wedding, I tried to explain to her that I walk, talk, and in fact, I am a man now. I had to explain this to her because it had been a while since she had seen me. I don't think it registered because after I explained that and told her I'd want to be treated like a man would in terms of the wedding plans, she asked if I would still be attending her bridal shower, which would consist of all women. I explained that I would not be attending her bridal shower because men didn't attend those.

I'm sure she's trying in her own way to accept me, to understand me, but it's just not cutting it.

Furthermore, when my sister and I found out we would not be standing up in the wedding, we were also informed that my aunt and uncle were "adamantly" opposed to me standing up as a groomsman and that just really pissed me off. If I were going to be standing up in the wedding according to them, it would have to be as a bridesmaid, and that is just not going to happen.

They have all seen me since I've started transitioning, as recently as a month ago. So, I cannot understand why they are so opposed. I mean, I get why they are. They care what people think, what they'll say, I really believe that is the main motivation. But what would they be thinking if I showed up to a bridal shower or as a bridesmaid? People would do a lot more talking about a man in any of those two things.

So, as I said before, I'm just sort of ticked off about all of this. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am, and the harsh reality is that that is not always going to happen the way I envision it. Lesson learned.

The holidays

I am celebrating my first Channukah and Christmas as a man. I feel much more at ease with who I am, how I present myself, and overall, a chip has been lifted off of my shoulders.

It's nice to be around friends and family who accept me for who I am and what I am about. It's refreshing that people can still see me for who I am and what I'm about, regardless of the transition. I'm very thankful for that.

People lose their homes, their families, their friends, their jobs. I haven't really lost any of these. I haven't had anyone who stopped speaking to me (other than my mother, for a few months, but now we speak). Overall, people weren't shocked or surprised to hear I was transitioning. I've been able to keep my close friends and to make new ones. I am able to seek and keep employment and I even came out on the job at my last job.

I will admit though, that this holiday season is new for me in other ways also. It is my first holiday season being single in 10+ years. I've always had a girlfriend during these times so this is new. It's kind of lonely as I'm just getting used to being single again, but it's also good. It's nice not having to run around to a million places to see two or more families and friends. I'm on my own schedule and I can adhere to my own agenda.

In terms of the transition itself, I am going through another big drop in my voice I think. The last time I could tell my voice dropped significantly, I had a few weeks where I couldn't really sing and I was cracking all over the place. The same thing is happening again. I am not able to sing as well as I'd like to and I am cracking a lot. I've got a lot more muscle spasms happening now too, and I think this is because I am working out.

I just had my t shot tuesday so my moods are a bit better. They are usually pretty good for the first week after my t shot. Then they start to go up and down a little more.

Those are the updates for now.

Happy holidays everyone!

And it's over

I finally took my LSAT exam last week Saturday. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but we will just have to wait and see how I did. I think I may take it one more time before I apply to law school, so it's now looking like I won't be attending law school in the fall of 2009. So, now I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life in the meantime. But I'm happy for now that I took the exam and that I'm done studying for now. I need the break.

And now I need to start looking for jobs. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach looking for a job. I know I pass completely for a male, so when I apply this time around, I think I will have an easier time finding a job vs. when I was applying as a butch lesbian. However, when the job asks for back up documentation like my driver's license,birth certificate or my passport, I'm going to have to out myself, which sucks. My driver's license says I'm male, but the birth certificate and passport say female. And I'm scared of losing potential job opportunities because I'm going to have to out myself. But then on the other hand, I'm thinking that I'd probably out myself anyhow. I don't think I'm one of the transmen in the world who want to remain anonymous and have the world think that I am a bio boy (biological). I'm proud of the fact that I am a transman, and the fact that I was a woman first is an important part of me, my identity, and where I came from. So, maybe it's a blessing as much as it is a curse. I guess I'll find out after I start applying for jobs and I see how it goes.

I don't really want to talk about it in depth, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Rebecca and I did break up about a month ago. So, that is something else that I have also been dealing with.

As for the transition, things are still going pretty much the same way they were. I took my t shot and my body is feeling better now. I tend to get more muscle cramps after the injection, but my moods level out more after that. I mean, I'm still moody,sensitive, hard to deal with at times, but the high highs and the low lows are less extreme when I've had my shot. The feelings of insecurity still remain though, no matter where I am on my t shot schedule. I still have random moments that come from out of the blue. I just feel insecure in my own skin. I think it's partly because I am transitioning, I'm changing and doing things to my being and I'm just not where I want to be yet. And the hardest part of that is feeling in between. And that's where I am at. I am a man with female genitalia and that is sometimes really hard to cope with.

It is especially challenging when it comes to meeting potential people I would date. I don't quite know the right way to address where I am at. I don't really feel it's necessary to introduce myself to people and then tell them right off the bat about my genitalia. On the other hand, I think it's important for people I would potentially date to know who I am and what I'm about before getting involved. I would want to know what I was getting into if roles were reversed. This is something that will be a work in progress and I'll just have to take it as it comes. I haven't had any trouble meeting anyone to date yet, but I fear that I will.


Last update-I've been working out a few times a week and I'm seeing my muscles grow and develop right before my eyes, which is pretty cool. It takes no time at all to see my biceps get bigger, which is awesome and very motivating. I need to lose a lot of weight in order to have top surgery go the way I want it to, so it's important that I continue to work out. I am not eligible to have top surgery until I have been on hormones for at least a year. And the year mark is coming up in April, which is crazy. Time has begun to really fly.



Those are all of the updates for now!

Day in Day Out

It is clearly time for me to do my shot again today. I can always feel it a few days before. I become more moody than usual, my body cramps more, and overall I just feel kind of icky. It feels like withdrawal from a drug in some senses. I'm not too happy about it, but it's what I have to go through to complete my transition.
My shots used to be once a week, so I'd feel the effects every four days or so. Now that my shot is once every three weeks but it's a larger dose, I only have to deal with the feelings of withdrawal once every 2 and half weeks, which is better.
It's just amazing how much more I have to be conscious about everything I do in general because of this transition.
If I don't eat enough protein each day, my body also feels icky. It like craves protein and it seems that the more protein I eat and the more water I drink, the more manageable my moods and my cramps are.
When I'm moody for no reason, I feel the need to isolate myself so that I can just deal and not take my feelings out on anyone else. Sometimes that part of it is really lonely. I have all of these thoughts and feelings that are a direct result of the shots and it's hard to break it down and explain it to people. When I tell people I'm really going through puberty again, I feel like they just don't get it and can't get it.
When we all went through puberty the first time, we had to just deal with it the best we could at the time. We didn't know what was coming, we had never experienced it before, but at least we were all going through it at the same time.

It is a much different experience to go through it again and to do it at 25, knowing what already came before and what's to come. It's sometimes hard for me to function in the 25 year old world with all of these thoughts and feelings within me that make me feel 12. And I think it's hard for those around me to understand. They try, but really they just think I'm choosing to act young. I do my best to control the moodiness, the temper tantrums I have, the awkwardness, but I'm realizing some it is just beyond my control.

I have days I just want to be alone. I have days when I need lots of attention. I have days when I see a pretty girl and I blush and lose my words. The worst part is feeling insecure. It's very strange and new feeling for me. I've never been known to be a person that was insecure. I believe in myself. I'm outgoing, social, a public speaker, have friends from all walks of life, know how to relate to people, never had a problem meeting people to date. And now I have some new personna currently that has been created by these feelings of insecurity. I question everything in a way I never have before, and it is making me crazy. I don't know what to do with this feeling or how to get rid of it. And then on top of everything, I feel like I never know what mood is coming my way.

I kind of feel like I have no idea how I'm going to be day to day.
I don't like to wake up and be in a bad mood for the day, but sometimes it happens. And it's hard for me to admit I don't have control over some of this because I am such a believer that people have such power and control over their lives. I am such a strong believer in people taking action to correct what they don't like in life. I can't stand people who play the victim or who feel powerless, because we each have so much power within us. So for me to feel like I have so much power and then to feel powerless some days is rather defeating. I feel like a walking contradiction.

My doctors reassure me though that this is normal and that I just need to do the best I can to cope with the rollercoaster I'm on because it will get better and it will get easier. I just don't know when exactly.

The only thing constant about me that remains constant is my desire to have sex. No matter what kind of mood I'm in or how I'm feeling emotionally, I'm always wanting to have sex. Sometimes that can be exciting, but somedays it's a nightmare. It can be a real nuisance. I was a pretty sexual person before I started transitioning, I wouldn't say that I needed anything to added to that side of things. And now I feel like my sex drive has quadrupled, if that was even possible.

So, this is a lot to put myself through, I realize, as I reflect and reread this blog to myself. But, it's worth it to me. I'm still achieving the results I am after and in some other ways, I'm feeling a lot better about myself.

Some feelings of insecurity that I used to have are now gone. I didn't enjoy being perceived as a butch lesbian. I wasn't ashamed of it, it just didn't match how I feel about myself and who I really am. Now that I'm perceived as a male on a day to day basis, I am more relaxed, more calm, and at ease. That part feels great. Getting checked out by people as a male feels great also. I think I'll end it on that positive note :)